Why do parents punish the more successful children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s always the children who are self sufficient and hard working who get nothing while the lazy and unambitious get bailed out constantly. It’s becoming tiresome to watch this happen in my family. I hate my job and want to quit but don’t because I need to pay the bills - like an adult. Lazy sibling chooses their hobby as a career and can’t make ends meet - parents always are giving them money and never push them to work a 9-5 like the rest of us.

Not being given something isn’t the same as being punished. Grow up.

That's a lie! Not being given time, love, attention, affection and financial help as a child or adult child IS in fact being "punished."

Not really. It's scarcity of resources. The parents are in crisis mode trying to stop the bleeding of the messed up kid. They aren't punishing anyone they just have finite resources. I bet if you quit the job and were homeless they would swoop in but who really wants to live like that just to feel worthy?

Doubt it because the family patterns and way of doing things are hard to break. My sister never worked in her life. It was always, "oh, she has it haaaard, she has kids". Guess who got nothing for having kids and working?

So quit and put your hand out and ask for money. See what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s always the children who are self sufficient and hard working who get nothing while the lazy and unambitious get bailed out constantly. It’s becoming tiresome to watch this happen in my family. I hate my job and want to quit but don’t because I need to pay the bills - like an adult. Lazy sibling chooses their hobby as a career and can’t make ends meet - parents always are giving them money and never push them to work a 9-5 like the rest of us.

Not being given something isn’t the same as being punished. Grow up.

That's a lie! Not being given time, love, attention, affection and financial help as a child or adult child IS in fact being "punished."

Not really. It's scarcity of resources. The parents are in crisis mode trying to stop the bleeding of the messed up kid. They aren't punishing anyone they just have finite resources. I bet if you quit the job and were homeless they would swoop in but who really wants to live like that just to feel worthy?

Doubt it because the family patterns and way of doing things are hard to break. My sister never worked in her life. It was always, "oh, she has it haaaard, she has kids". Guess who got nothing for having kids and working?

This is dumb. family patterns are entrenched an emeshed. Toxic parents like this are going to decide which kid is the one who needs more help and their perceptions will be immutable. Noone shouldquit their job and stay at home with the hope that their toxic parents will start GAF

So quit and put your hand out and ask for money. See what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Doubt it because the family patterns and way of doing things are hard to break. My sister never worked in her life. It was always, "oh, she has it haaaard, she has kids". Guess who got nothing for having kids and working?

This is my family too! My sister is a mess- SAHM (with hobbies that take a lot of time and money- and get in the way of taking care of her kids) and the rest of the family caters to her because “it’s so hard! She has kids!”

Meanwhile, I have kids and a full time job and it is never acknowledged that it might be hard. I’m always expected to travel to them, rearrange my work schedule/plans, etc. It’s ridiculous

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Doubt it because the family patterns and way of doing things are hard to break. My sister never worked in her life. It was always, "oh, she has it haaaard, she has kids". Guess who got nothing for having kids and working?

This is my family too! My sister is a mess- SAHM (with hobbies that take a lot of time and money- and get in the way of taking care of her kids) and the rest of the family caters to her because “it’s so hard! She has kids!”

Meanwhile, I have kids and a full time job and it is never acknowledged that it might be hard. I’m always expected to travel to them, rearrange my work schedule/plans, etc. It’s ridiculous

So next time they say “it’s hard, she has kids”, acknowledge yourself. Speak up. Say “I have kids too. It is hard. Yet I manage to also have a job, clean the house, pay the bills”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s always the children who are self sufficient and hard working who get nothing while the lazy and unambitious get bailed out constantly. It’s becoming tiresome to watch this happen in my family. I hate my job and want to quit but don’t because I need to pay the bills - like an adult. Lazy sibling chooses their hobby as a career and can’t make ends meet - parents always are giving them money and never push them to work a 9-5 like the rest of us.

Not being given something isn’t the same as being punished. Grow up.

That's a lie! Not being given time, love, attention, affection and financial help as a child or adult child IS in fact being "punished."

Not really. It's scarcity of resources. The parents are in crisis mode trying to stop the bleeding of the messed up kid. They aren't punishing anyone they just have finite resources. I bet if you quit the job and were homeless they would swoop in but who really wants to live like that just to feel worthy?

No, it’s not scarcity of resources, it’s a choice.

I’m the poster whose parents support my sister with thousands and thousands more than us. That didn’t stop my dad from calling the contractor to discuss a home repair and negotiating better terms for us— that didn’t cost them a penny. My mom called Verizon to get my sisters deadbeat spouse off her phone plan and in the same call got my Fios monthly bill reduced.

None of those things take “resources”away from the other sibling or the parent, they just show that parents understand and care about their kids who aren’t obviously high needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Doubt it because the family patterns and way of doing things are hard to break. My sister never worked in her life. It was always, "oh, she has it haaaard, she has kids". Guess who got nothing for having kids and working?

This is my family too! My sister is a mess- SAHM (with hobbies that take a lot of time and money- and get in the way of taking care of her kids) and the rest of the family caters to her because “it’s so hard! She has kids!”

Meanwhile, I have kids and a full time job and it is never acknowledged that it might be hard. I’m always expected to travel to them, rearrange my work schedule/plans, etc. It’s ridiculous

So next time they say “it’s hard, she has kids”, acknowledge yourself. Speak up. Say “I have kids too. It is hard. Yet I manage to also have a job, clean the house, pay the bills”

Oh, really? that's all i have to say and it will go away? gee thanks. Like that has not been tried 50,000 times over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s always the children who are self sufficient and hard working who get nothing while the lazy and unambitious get bailed out constantly. It’s becoming tiresome to watch this happen in my family. I hate my job and want to quit but don’t because I need to pay the bills - like an adult. Lazy sibling chooses their hobby as a career and can’t make ends meet - parents always are giving them money and never push them to work a 9-5 like the rest of us.

Not being given something isn’t the same as being punished. Grow up.

That's a lie! Not being given time, love, attention, affection and financial help as a child or adult child IS in fact being "punished."

Not really. It's scarcity of resources. The parents are in crisis mode trying to stop the bleeding of the messed up kid. They aren't punishing anyone they just have finite resources. I bet if you quit the job and were homeless they would swoop in but who really wants to live like that just to feel worthy?

No, it’s not scarcity of resources, it’s a choice.

I’m the poster whose parents support my sister with thousands and thousands more than us. That didn’t stop my dad from calling the contractor to discuss a home repair and negotiating better terms for us— that didn’t cost them a penny. My mom called Verizon to get my sisters deadbeat spouse off her phone plan and in the same call got my Fios monthly bill reduced.

None of those things take “resources”away from the other sibling or the parent, they just show that parents understand and care about their kids who aren’t obviously high needs.

And I'm a poster whose parents have drained their bank accounts to pay for legal fees for a ne'er do well alcoholic brother with multiple DUIs, a stint in jail, several arrests, untreated mental illness, and has had weapons confiscated from him by the police because he may be a danger to himself or others. So now we (me and other brother) provide a lot of assistance to my parents and didn't get the same financial backing as our brother b/c we aren't as nearly screwed up. But I don't hate them for it, call them toxic, or cut them off. I don't wish for a second I was in my brother's shoes and I know they do everything to keep him off the streets and from getting arrested again for more bad choices. I just refuse to talk to them about him or listen to their complaints. In no way was I ever "punished" because of my brother's life even if I got less time, attention and money. I make up for that in many other ways that are more fulfilling. It doesn't have to be exactly even Steven to not be seen as punishment. My brother put my parents between a rock and a hard place. I still have a good relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I relate to OP so much. My mom has gone on record saying about me “oh you will always figure it out so I don’t need to invest in you like I do with your sister”. About 20 years ago DH tried to have serious conversations either my mom about life planning, affairs, etc. she said “you only want to talk about serious things gs and it’s not fun like your sister”

Last year we placed my mom in a nursing home after a major illness. Sister wouldn’t take care of her and it was kind of expected we would. We did by placing her in a home.

I assume this is the outcome that parents who only support the high-needs kid anticipate? I don’t see how you can leave one kid to fend for themselves and expect to be their responsibility?

Yes, I was expected to fend for myself, became successful and now everyone just assumes me and DH will take care of everything because that's what we were "trained" to do. Not anymore

DP - I'm going through the same thing right now, PP. It's part and parcel of being the hyperfunctional child: we take care of ourselves AND everyone else, too. I've been taking care of my parents emotionally since I was a kid. No. More. They'll get the minimum from me and DH and that's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Doubt it because the family patterns and way of doing things are hard to break. My sister never worked in her life. It was always, "oh, she has it haaaard, she has kids". Guess who got nothing for having kids and working?

This is my family too! My sister is a mess- SAHM (with hobbies that take a lot of time and money- and get in the way of taking care of her kids) and the rest of the family caters to her because “it’s so hard! She has kids!”

Meanwhile, I have kids and a full time job and it is never acknowledged that it might be hard. I’m always expected to travel to them, rearrange my work schedule/plans, etc. It’s ridiculous

I feel seen. This is my life too with my ILs.

And they “cut us out” of the will because “you guys are fine” while SIL is a hot mess. But don’t worry because we also get the honor of taking care of them when they age, handling all the legal work, and DH is executor of the will. And working full time and have young kids, one who is disabled and will need lifelong support. But SIL is happily enjoying her hobbies as a SAHM with 20 yr old kids….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Doubt it because the family patterns and way of doing things are hard to break. My sister never worked in her life. It was always, "oh, she has it haaaard, she has kids". Guess who got nothing for having kids and working?

This is my family too! My sister is a mess- SAHM (with hobbies that take a lot of time and money- and get in the way of taking care of her kids) and the rest of the family caters to her because “it’s so hard! She has kids!”

Meanwhile, I have kids and a full time job and it is never acknowledged that it might be hard. I’m always expected to travel to them, rearrange my work schedule/plans, etc. It’s ridiculous

I feel seen. This is my life too with my ILs.

And they “cut us out” of the will because “you guys are fine” while SIL is a hot mess. But don’t worry because we also get the honor of taking care of them when they age, handling all the legal work, and DH is executor of the will. And working full time and have young kids, one who is disabled and will need lifelong support. But SIL is happily enjoying her hobbies as a SAHM with 20 yr old kids….

NP here. My mother recently told me that she had redone her estate planning now that my father had passed and I would probably be very disappointed. It is worth noting I have never expected or hoped to inherit a single thing from her, she's horrible with money and I actually have been expecting to pay out of pocket from my own money to settle her estate/pay for her expenses when she dies, sty I wasn't upset when she initially said this. However, she does own a lot of real estate, including the homes that my 2 siblings each live in and a beach house. I still haven't been expecting to inherit anything because I had always assumed she had multiple mortgages on each property or whatever.

So later she told me: when I die, you and your brother will inherit X house (being the house my sister lives in) and you two need to let your sister live there until she wants to move (I am not sure if she meant a life estate for my sister or what). So I replied: why not just give her the house? Why aren't you giving it to her? And she said: "well she's getting everything else, so this seemed fair."

Yeah. I am not telling my brother. He will freak. So it's like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Doubt it because the family patterns and way of doing things are hard to break. My sister never worked in her life. It was always, "oh, she has it haaaard, she has kids". Guess who got nothing for having kids and working?

This is my family too! My sister is a mess- SAHM (with hobbies that take a lot of time and money- and get in the way of taking care of her kids) and the rest of the family caters to her because “it’s so hard! She has kids!”

Meanwhile, I have kids and a full time job and it is never acknowledged that it might be hard. I’m always expected to travel to them, rearrange my work schedule/plans, etc. It’s ridiculous

I feel seen. This is my life too with my ILs.

And they “cut us out” of the will because “you guys are fine” while SIL is a hot mess. But don’t worry because we also get the honor of taking care of them when they age, handling all the legal work, and DH is executor of the will. And working full time and have young kids, one who is disabled and will need lifelong support. But SIL is happily enjoying her hobbies as a SAHM with 20 yr old kids….

Exactly my life too. Except my sister and her DH have the 20 year old kids (who aren't kids anymore contrary to my parents' perceptions). However, these 20 year olds lack executive functioning and have failed to launch because my sister and her husband somehow failed to actually raise them. I mean, what were they doing when they constantly had all the help and were exempt from anything else when they "had to take care of the kids"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Doubt it because the family patterns and way of doing things are hard to break. My sister never worked in her life. It was always, "oh, she has it haaaard, she has kids". Guess who got nothing for having kids and working?

This is my family too! My sister is a mess- SAHM (with hobbies that take a lot of time and money- and get in the way of taking care of her kids) and the rest of the family caters to her because “it’s so hard! She has kids!”

Meanwhile, I have kids and a full time job and it is never acknowledged that it might be hard. I’m always expected to travel to them, rearrange my work schedule/plans, etc. It’s ridiculous

It's crazy how common this dynamic is. Me too.

At first it was "well your sister has kids and you don't so she needs more help." Nevermind my sister is 4 years older than I am so unless I wanted to get married and have kids while I was still in college, she was always going to be the first to have them. Then it was "well she has more kids" or "well her kids have more issues" or "well they struggle more with money because your sister doesn't work."

Eventually I just let it go and now I expect literally nothing from my parents in terms of support or visits or even interest in my children (or my job for that matter). And we have a better relationship because my expectations are basically on the floor. Meanwhile my sister has a very contentious relationship with them because she continues to demand a lot of them but they are getting older and just can't live up to it.

I did draw the boundary with my parents that I cannot be their sounding board or complaints department for their relationship with my sister. My mom really tried to push that, coming to me every time my sister got upset with them to talk it through with me and get my sympathy and support. I just grey rocked them on that point. I don't want to be involved. They and my sister created this very enmeshed, unhealthy relationship that made it hard to impossible for the rest of us to have good relationships with either our parents or our sister. I don't want to be involved in it or be the go-between. They are adults, they can sort it out themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Doubt it because the family patterns and way of doing things are hard to break. My sister never worked in her life. It was always, "oh, she has it haaaard, she has kids". Guess who got nothing for having kids and working?

This is my family too! My sister is a mess- SAHM (with hobbies that take a lot of time and money- and get in the way of taking care of her kids) and the rest of the family caters to her because “it’s so hard! She has kids!”

Meanwhile, I have kids and a full time job and it is never acknowledged that it might be hard. I’m always expected to travel to them, rearrange my work schedule/plans, etc. It’s ridiculous

It's crazy how common this dynamic is. Me too.

At first it was "well your sister has kids and you don't so she needs more help." Nevermind my sister is 4 years older than I am so unless I wanted to get married and have kids while I was still in college, she was always going to be the first to have them. Then it was "well she has more kids" or "well her kids have more issues" or "well they struggle more with money because your sister doesn't work."

Eventually I just let it go and now I expect literally nothing from my parents in terms of support or visits or even interest in my children (or my job for that matter). And we have a better relationship because my expectations are basically on the floor. Meanwhile my sister has a very contentious relationship with them because she continues to demand a lot of them but they are getting older and just can't live up to it.

I did draw the boundary with my parents that I cannot be their sounding board or complaints department for their relationship with my sister. My mom really tried to push that, coming to me every time my sister got upset with them to talk it through with me and get my sympathy and support. I just grey rocked them on that point. I don't want to be involved. They and my sister created this very enmeshed, unhealthy relationship that made it hard to impossible for the rest of us to have good relationships with either our parents or our sister. I don't want to be involved in it or be the go-between. They are adults, they can sort it out themselves.

this dynamic exactly! my sibs would suck the life out of my parents my constantly demanding (and receiving) childcare for free while they did date nights or went to the mall.

when DH and I would ask for help for legitimate emergencies, we would be lectured by the same parents for needing to plan for back up. I'm like, hello--we actually hire sitters and nannies and our back up plan just fell through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s always the children who are self sufficient and hard working who get nothing while the lazy and unambitious get bailed out constantly. It’s becoming tiresome to watch this happen in my family. I hate my job and want to quit but don’t because I need to pay the bills - like an adult. Lazy sibling chooses their hobby as a career and can’t make ends meet - parents always are giving them money and never push them to work a 9-5 like the rest of us.

Not being given something isn’t the same as being punished. Grow up.

That's a lie! Not being given time, love, attention, affection and financial help as a child or adult child IS in fact being "punished."

Not really. It's scarcity of resources. The parents are in crisis mode trying to stop the bleeding of the messed up kid. They aren't punishing anyone they just have finite resources. I bet if you quit the job and were homeless they would swoop in but who really wants to live like that just to feel worthy?

Doubt it because the family patterns and way of doing things are hard to break. My sister never worked in her life. It was always, "oh, she has it haaaard, she has kids". Guess who got nothing for having kids and working?

Same! Sibling has many "accidents" (her words) and they've dropped everything for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Doubt it because the family patterns and way of doing things are hard to break. My sister never worked in her life. It was always, "oh, she has it haaaard, she has kids". Guess who got nothing for having kids and working?

This is my family too! My sister is a mess- SAHM (with hobbies that take a lot of time and money- and get in the way of taking care of her kids) and the rest of the family caters to her because “it’s so hard! She has kids!”

Meanwhile, I have kids and a full time job and it is never acknowledged that it might be hard. I’m always expected to travel to them, rearrange my work schedule/plans, etc. It’s ridiculous

I feel seen. This is my life too with my ILs.

And they “cut us out” of the will because “you guys are fine” while SIL is a hot mess. But don’t worry because we also get the honor of taking care of them when they age, handling all the legal work, and DH is executor of the will. And working full time and have young kids, one who is disabled and will need lifelong support. But SIL is happily enjoying her hobbies as a SAHM with 20 yr old kids….

NP here. My mother recently told me that she had redone her estate planning now that my father had passed and I would probably be very disappointed. It is worth noting I have never expected or hoped to inherit a single thing from her, she's horrible with money and I actually have been expecting to pay out of pocket from my own money to settle her estate/pay for her expenses when she dies, sty I wasn't upset when she initially said this. However, she does own a lot of real estate, including the homes that my 2 siblings each live in and a beach house. I still haven't been expecting to inherit anything because I had always assumed she had multiple mortgages on each property or whatever.

So later she told me: when I die, you and your brother will inherit X house (being the house my sister lives in) and you two need to let your sister live there until she wants to move (I am not sure if she meant a life estate for my sister or what). So I replied: why not just give her the house? Why aren't you giving it to her? And she said: "well she's getting everything else, so this seemed fair."

Yeah. I am not telling my brother. He will freak. So it's like that.