Why do parents punish the more successful children?

[Anonymous]

Brushing up on the parable of the prodigal son might be helpful. I'm not Christian but I've always liked the relatability of it, I see it in many families and agree with supporting your kid who needs help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I learned to appreciate being the sibling who's a functional adult. Better choice by far.

NP. I agree but I also understand how OP feels. One frustration I have us that I would like to do enjoyable things with my parents and ILs (that I can host/pay for) but they cannot participate because we my siblings and DH's brother suck up all their bandwidth. So like my kids have no relationship with my parents beyond the occasional face time and an in person visit every few years, because my parents invest all their time and energy into helping my un- and under-employed brothers or helping my sister raise her kids. It really does feel like I am invisible because I am self-sufficient.

+1
But I also think some of this is stems from enabling and enmeshment, which the parents find validating for numerous reasons (this goes beyond a nurturing or caretaking role which many women do. It’s a deep need to feel needed, a sense of identity for someone who otherwise doesn’t have much going on).

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should ask yourself why you feel entitled to your parents’ money at all. Maybe you should summon up some compassion for your sibling who has issues, whatever they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Brushing up on the parable of the prodigal son might be helpful. I'm not Christian but I've always liked the relatability of it, I see it in many families and agree with supporting your kid who needs help.

This. Imagine what it feel like to be your sibling. Unable to support themselves, always having to get help from their parents, essentially stuck in a bad dream of feeling like everyone looks down on them and sees them as still a child even though they’re grown adults? If you could Freaky Friday the situation, I guarantee you would run screaming back to your current life the minute you you saw how that felt. It also might help you feel a little more empathy for your sibling. Old habits are hard to break for underachievers - once you’ve lived a life for awhile where you aren’t able to support yourself, it’s really tough to break the cycle. Be thankful for who you are in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Brushing up on the parable of the prodigal son might be helpful. I'm not Christian but I've always liked the relatability of it, I see it in many families and agree with supporting your kid who needs help.

This. Imagine what it feel like to be your sibling. Unable to support themselves, always having to get help from their parents, essentially stuck in a bad dream of feeling like everyone looks down on them and sees them as still a child even though they’re grown adults? If you could Freaky Friday the situation, I guarantee you would run screaming back to your current life the minute you you saw how that felt. It also might help you feel a little more empathy for your sibling. Old habits are hard to break for underachievers - once you’ve lived a life for awhile where you aren’t able to support yourself, it’s really tough to break the cycle. Be thankful for who you are in this situation.

Disagree, this is foolish thinking. Moochers will mooch. Why work when parents carry the bills? Why take employment seriously when mom and dad are there to rescue you? Do you seriously think these folks feel embarrassed?

[Anonymous]

Come again. Tell us how you’re being punished, OP.

[Anonymous]

How old are you OP? Do you have children? And how old are your children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Brushing up on the parable of the prodigal son might be helpful. I'm not Christian but I've always liked the relatability of it, I see it in many families and agree with supporting your kid who needs help.

This. Imagine what it feel like to be your sibling. Unable to support themselves, always having to get help from their parents, essentially stuck in a bad dream of feeling like everyone looks down on them and sees them as still a child even though they’re grown adults? If you could Freaky Friday the situation, I guarantee you would run screaming back to your current life the minute you you saw how that felt. It also might help you feel a little more empathy for your sibling. Old habits are hard to break for underachievers - once you’ve lived a life for awhile where you aren’t able to support yourself, it’s really tough to break the cycle. Be thankful for who you are in this situation.

NP - this isn’t an either-or situation. I do feel empathy for my sibling and would never want to trade places with her.

And also I’m sick of my parents having no resources left for me and my family, not to mention expecting me to take care of every single thing for them as they age. I’m still their child, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Brushing up on the parable of the prodigal son might be helpful. I'm not Christian but I've always liked the relatability of it, I see it in many families and agree with supporting your kid who needs help.

This. Imagine what it feel like to be your sibling. Unable to support themselves, always having to get help from their parents, essentially stuck in a bad dream of feeling like everyone looks down on them and sees them as still a child even though they’re grown adults? If you could Freaky Friday the situation, I guarantee you would run screaming back to your current life the minute you you saw how that felt. It also might help you feel a little more empathy for your sibling. Old habits are hard to break for underachievers - once you’ve lived a life for awhile where you aren’t able to support yourself, it’s really tough to break the cycle. Be thankful for who you are in this situation.

Disagree, this is foolish thinking. Moochers will mooch. Why work when parents carry the bills? Why take employment seriously when mom and dad are there to rescue you? Do you seriously think these folks feel embarrassed?

Yeah, this.

I think often this dynamic emerges due to other dysfunction that has been compounded. Like in my DH's family, his brother has a demanding, entitled personality and has been that way since he was a kid. He's the oldest and his parents accommodated him. DH is younger and learned to be self sufficient by necessity because his parents were always wrapped up with his brother. Well fast forward 50 years and it's still this dynamic only BIL is abusive and manipulative (will threaten self harm or rage at his elderly parents if they don't let him live with them, but him a car, agree to fund his latest unrealistic money making scheme). DH is just calmly plugging away at life.

Sure, it's better to be DH than his brother -- DH is independent with a career and a family. But he also has a lifetime of having been neglected by his parents, including as a young child. And he's struggled with that as he's become a dad and had to wrestle with having no real role models for how to be a dad and feeling alone within his family if origin. But unlike his brother, he'll never get any help or support with it. He just has to keep going without. That sows resentment.

Likely both DH and his brother would be better off of his parents had instead actually parented them both instead of just allowing the entire family to be held hostage by his brother. But the harm to DH is invisible to any of them. All they see is the BIL'struggles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I learned to appreciate being the sibling who's a functional adult. Better choice by far.

Or being married to the sibling who has made better choices. Yes, it's nauseating as an in-law to see all the cousins' things paid for but nada for our kids, but being the in-law is one step further removed and I just put it out of my mind and feel fortunate for us and sorry for them.

This. Nauseating is the right word, because it’s never the indulged ones who are asked to put in the work for the aging parents.

I draw the line at continuing the cycle. When ILs ask us to do things for the impoverished-by-choice we just say no.

[Anonymous]

Be happy there is a parachute. I have one. My brother uses it. I don’t because I have self respect so I work hard instead. But damn if I don’t feel privileged

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I learned to appreciate being the sibling who's a functional adult. Better choice by far.

This.

[Anonymous]

Because the parents want to feel needed. This is my MIL. She has a very close relationship with BIL’s children and has only met our children a handful of times. BIL and SIL have lived with her on and off and on over the time they have been married. We are self sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Brushing up on the parable of the prodigal son might be helpful. I'm not Christian but I've always liked the relatability of it, I see it in many families and agree with supporting your kid who needs help.

This. Imagine what it feel like to be your sibling. Unable to support themselves, always having to get help from their parents, essentially stuck in a bad dream of feeling like everyone looks down on them and sees them as still a child even though they’re grown adults? If you could Freaky Friday the situation, I guarantee you would run screaming back to your current life the minute you you saw how that felt. It also might help you feel a little more empathy for your sibling. Old habits are hard to break for underachievers - once you’ve lived a life for awhile where you aren’t able to support yourself, it’s really tough to break the cycle. Be thankful for who you are in this situation.

Disagree, this is foolish thinking. Moochers will mooch. Why work when parents carry the bills? Why take employment seriously when mom and dad are there to rescue you? Do you seriously think these folks feel embarrassed?

Totally agree! Moochers will mooch and have no desire to do things for themselves. No shame what so ever!

[Anonymous]

Grow up!