Why do parents punish the more successful children?

[Anonymous]

It hurts a lot OP and this little anonymous piece of the internet is where I can voice it. I do so much and spend so much, and I get nothing in return, nothing. And the energy is poured in my sibling. When I was younger I understood and supported the idea but I am older now and with little kids and I have nothing reciprocated. It hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eventually my parents saw it for what it was. They also realized that sibling wouldn't be helping them. So guess what? They decided to move close to me so when they get sick, it'll be on me. Ugh.

These are my parents, except they cannot move closer to me as I moved to another country, self-sufficiency and all. So they're stuck with my sibling. I'm kind of enjoying this. They also have 2 adult grandkids now from that sibling, so it's even more fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Your parents really sound amazing. It gives me such hope in my heart to know there are actually great parents like this out there in the world. DH and I did not have that experience x2.

I’m sorry.

The best thing about how my parents handled this, in my opinion, is that it helps maintain the relationship between me and my sister. We’re super close, our kids are super close, and there’s no resentment that she’s getting “more” because I am also blessed with plenty from my parents and they don’t make her an excuse.

On the other hand my husband has no meaningful relationship with his sister.

DP and wanted to say your parents really do sound amazing. Neither I nor DH have had any help either and there's unfortunately resentment. I also agree that it's not really about monetary gain (which always helps young families of course), but more of no time/effort investment and strange high expectations of US helping. Feels a bit like a prized horse on race track, expected to always win and want for nothing.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm in the same situation and a lot of these post are ignorant. It's still frustrating even if you're the more functioning sibling. I am and on top of that I have an autoimmune disease I never get any help with anything, never have but we also have the scapegoat/golden child thing going on too, do you have that as well? Abusive households don't treat their child as equals and it's super harmful. It's so easy for others to say who would you rather be but it doesn't negate the pain you feel OP. I get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s always the children who are self sufficient and hard working who get nothing while the lazy and unambitious get bailed out constantly. It’s becoming tiresome to watch this happen in my family. I hate my job and want to quit but don’t because I need to pay the bills - like an adult. Lazy sibling chooses their hobby as a career and can’t make ends meet - parents always are giving them money and never push them to work a 9-5 like the rest of us.

Not being given something isn’t the same as being punished. Grow up.

That's a lie! Not being given time, love, attention, affection and financial help as a child or adult child IS in fact being "punished."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my mom's case it is not the feel to be needed. She just hates me, always had.

Same.

[Anonymous]

My parents try, but they've always had favorites. For better or worse, it made me self-sufficient at an early age, and now I have more money than they do, so it doesn't matter anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents try, but they've always had favorites. For better or worse, it made me self-sufficient at an early age, and now I have more money than they do, so it doesn't matter anymore.

Same situation here.
Sure it does. You still have that void. Not sure why you think lying to yourself will help.

[Anonymous]

I’m in the same boat OP, and it totally sucks.

My ILs go beyond for my SILs, who both moved back closer to home after failure to establish themselves on their own. We only “get them” twice a year at best for a weekend visit. We don’t want or expect money (that doesn’t exist), we just want some kind of relationship for our kids with their grandparents but they don’t want to leave either of my SILs for more time because they’re needed too much in everyone’s day to day…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm in the same situation and a lot of these post are ignorant. It's still frustrating even if you're the more functioning sibling. I am and on top of that I have an autoimmune disease I never get any help with anything, never have but we also have the scapegoat/golden child thing going on too, do you have that as well? Abusive households don't treat their child as equals and it's super harmful. It's so easy for others to say who would you rather be but it doesn't negate the pain you feel OP. I get it.

Same here. I’ve got endometriosis too. No one cares about my medical stuff. But if my brother has a cold….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I learned to appreciate being the sibling who's a functional adult. Better choice by far.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s always the children who are self sufficient and hard working who get nothing while the lazy and unambitious get bailed out constantly. It’s becoming tiresome to watch this happen in my family. I hate my job and want to quit but don’t because I need to pay the bills - like an adult. Lazy sibling chooses their hobby as a career and can’t make ends meet - parents always are giving them money and never push them to work a 9-5 like the rest of us.

Not being given something isn’t the same as being punished. Grow up.

That's a lie! Not being given time, love, attention, affection and financial help as a child or adult child IS in fact being "punished."

Not really. It's scarcity of resources. The parents are in crisis mode trying to stop the bleeding of the messed up kid. They aren't punishing anyone they just have finite resources. I bet if you quit the job and were homeless they would swoop in but who really wants to live like that just to feel worthy?

[Anonymous]

My mother straight up said several years ago that she will leave her estate to my brothers and not me because I don't need it and they do. That's fine, she's correct that I'm self sufficient and I don't need anything from her, but the cold delivery sent a message received. I let my brothers take care of her now, visit on occasion and try to be generous to them for their generosity to her.

Over the years I tried to have an adult relationship with her, but at every turn there is a dig. On Christmas this time the dig was directed at my beautiful, very capable daughter. I really don't want my daughter around this. What is it with mothers resenting their daughters doing well in life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s always the children who are self sufficient and hard working who get nothing while the lazy and unambitious get bailed out constantly. It’s becoming tiresome to watch this happen in my family. I hate my job and want to quit but don’t because I need to pay the bills - like an adult. Lazy sibling chooses their hobby as a career and can’t make ends meet - parents always are giving them money and never push them to work a 9-5 like the rest of us.

Not being given something isn’t the same as being punished. Grow up.

That's a lie! Not being given time, love, attention, affection and financial help as a child or adult child IS in fact being "punished."

Not really. It's scarcity of resources. The parents are in crisis mode trying to stop the bleeding of the messed up kid. They aren't punishing anyone they just have finite resources. I bet if you quit the job and were homeless they would swoop in but who really wants to live like that just to feel worthy?

Doubt it because the family patterns and way of doing things are hard to break. My sister never worked in her life. It was always, "oh, she has it haaaard, she has kids". Guess who got nothing for having kids and working?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother straight up said several years ago that she will leave her estate to my brothers and not me because I don't need it and they do. That's fine, she's correct that I'm self sufficient and I don't need anything from her, but the cold delivery sent a message received. I let my brothers take care of her now, visit on occasion and try to be generous to them for their generosity to her.

Over the years I tried to have an adult relationship with her, but at every turn there is a dig. On Christmas this time the dig was directed at my beautiful, very capable daughter. I really don't want my daughter around this. What is it with mothers resenting their daughters doing well in life?

I have a similar situation and even moved nearby because she said she wanted me to take care of her. Instead the male gets all the attention and enabling and I get all the digs and am left wondering why I moved here if she just preferred male attention instead. I figure i can play caring and do some stuff and let the homebody male take care of the day to day while he's given a roof and 3 meals a day. I guess it's less of a headache for me and gives them both companionship. Will never get the love I deserve but there is a silver lining