Why do parents punish the more successful children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Brushing up on the parable of the prodigal son might be helpful. I'm not Christian but I've always liked the relatability of it, I see it in many families and agree with supporting your kid who needs help.

I agree with this.

Except, the prodigal son is an analogy for God accepting you back when you return.

It's not really a reliable parenting method.

Behavior is predictable.

Bad behavior is rewarded. Parents get more of it. Good behavior is ignored. Parents get less of it.

Some parents have favorites and just like one child more than another.

[Anonymous]

My twin and I were both successful. On our own since age 18. National level athletes and very good students. My parents deemed me fat dumb and lazy and would have gotten rid of me if they could have gotten away with it. My brother and I did quite well financially with top flight educations paid for on our own. My mother was an addict and later in life just wanted money and didn’t care whether the money came from the son she thought was a loser or her other son. We reluctantly paid to keep a roof over her head after they divorced. Didn’t have any relationship with our father although the last time I talked to him before he died he reminded me I was a fat dumb and lazy loser. My being really highly educated and successful really ate at him and he doubled down with hatred. He was kicked out of college and was a bubbling cauldron of insecurity. My parents favored my late brother but he did not need them one iota. He was very well off (beyond even upper class standards) and my parents were frustrated he did not give them more money. They had to know they were abusive failures as parents and they were unhappy over the consequences. My brother was dominating and brilliant and they really played their cards wrong.

[Anonymous]

My theory is it is just the squeaky wheel gets the grease. In my own family, my older sibling (w/kids) and younger sib (no kids) are the squeaky wheels. Same for my partner and my partner's sibling. In both families, there has always been a kid who "needed" more time, attention, money, reassurances, etc. But yes, it feels annoying to just be successful, have a healthy marriage, take care of yourselves and therefore be overlooked as your siblings are messes who "need" more.

Somehow having two kids is "really hard" on my older sib, but I have kids and it was never acknowledged that having two kids is hard for me (mine are older than older sib's--so of course it's "harder" for older sib now because their kids are young. Never mind that there was a time when I had two kids and older sib had one.). Younger sib has gotten financial help and coddling their whole life, so it's nothing new. But the older sib coddling started when sib had kids. It's weird.

[Anonymous]

Because it boosts their ego to be needed by the non-successful one.

My parents have always been condescending, contemptful, abusive to me. I never knew what it was like to have sympathy or empathy because they would just respond with, “well your brother has it much worse.”

Flash forward to my brother’s abusing his wife (the second wife btw), and he still has only ever had one job in adulthood (working for them), and calls them everyday for every little thing. No kids. He parroted my parents by telling me how much more successful he was than me.

[Anonymous]

Once the parents pass away, the taker sibling usually implodes monetarily.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I am watching this now with my brother whose child is going to have to go to a (gasp) state school now that my dad is no longer alive to pay the tuition to swanky private schools. My SIL is mortified and embarrassed to have to tell her gal pals that he is going to a state school for college. Sorry but it’s glorious!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once the parents pass away, the taker sibling usually implodes monetarily.

Experiencing this now. Sub list their home. Now they run to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I learned to appreciate being the sibling who's a functional adult. Better choice by far.

Agree. The reward is knowing you're a contributing member of society who is a functional adult. It may not seem fair, but it is an infinitely better deal. You have to shift your focus to this or you will go insane. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

It's science: there's always a dud kid/sibling.

I only have 1 sibling, a younger brother, who is the dud in my family. He's constantly in trouble and getting bailed out by our parents. He's underemployed and has zero desire to get any kind of training to get a better job.

I have 4 kids and clocked very early on which of mine was shaping up to be the family dud. I've done extra for that kid to make sure it doesn't happen. Not on my watch! I am breaking the generational dud curse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once the parents pass away, the taker sibling usually implodes monetarily.

Only monetarily? I foresee implosion in life in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My twin and I were both successful. On our own since age 18. National level athletes and very good students. My parents deemed me fat dumb and lazy and would have gotten rid of me if they could have gotten away with it. My brother and I did quite well financially with top flight educations paid for on our own. My mother was an addict and later in life just wanted money and didn’t care whether the money came from the son she thought was a loser or her other son. We reluctantly paid to keep a roof over her head after they divorced. Didn’t have any relationship with our father although the last time I talked to him before he died he reminded me I was a fat dumb and lazy loser. My being really highly educated and successful really ate at him and he doubled down with hatred. He was kicked out of college and was a bubbling cauldron of insecurity. My parents favored my late brother but he did not need them one iota. He was very well off (beyond even upper class standards) and my parents were frustrated he did not give them more money. They had to know they were abusive failures as parents and they were unhappy over the consequences. My brother was dominating and brilliant and they really played their cards wrong.

Very sorry for this experience.