Why do parents punish the more successful children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because the parents want to feel needed. This is my MIL. She has a very close relationship with BIL’s children and has only met our children a handful of times. BIL and SIL have lived with her on and off and on over the time they have been married. We are self sufficient.

This. So much of the rescuing, enabling, etc. stems from the parents wanting to feel needed. It’s like raising a child all over again but getting to skip the diapers and toddler years. The needy adult child keeps them busy and loved. The needy adult child becomes their hobby, their excuse, and their validation. It is a cycle.

[Anonymous]

I’m with you OP. I’m the youngest and most functional of my many siblings. I’m placing the bar low… I’m gainfully employed, pay my bills on time, get my kids to school on time. I own a home and a car. I have multiple advanced degrees (as do many of my siblings). The middle sibling in my family is a disaster and gets so much family support and no one acknowledges what a mess they (and now their kids) are. I’m sure there’s financial support I don’t get, but it’s more about the time and emotional connection. It would be nice if they’d come visit or come to a birthday party… meanwhile they have weekly “family dinner” with my middle sibling and kids

[Anonymous]

Most families seem to have one moocher in it ..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Brushing up on the parable of the prodigal son might be helpful. I'm not Christian but I've always liked the relatability of it, I see it in many families and agree with supporting your kid who needs help.

This. Imagine what it feel like to be your sibling. Unable to support themselves, always having to get help from their parents, essentially stuck in a bad dream of feeling like everyone looks down on them and sees them as still a child even though they’re grown adults? If you could Freaky Friday the situation, I guarantee you would run screaming back to your current life the minute you you saw how that felt. It also might help you feel a little more empathy for your sibling. Old habits are hard to break for underachievers - once you’ve lived a life for awhile where you aren’t able to support yourself, it’s really tough to break the cycle. Be thankful for who you are in this situation.

NP - this isn’t an either-or situation. I do feel empathy for my sibling and would never want to trade places with her.

And also I’m sick of my parents having no resources left for me and my family, not to mention expecting me to take care of every single thing for them as they age. I’m still their child, too.

You could do less and maybe they would give you more but do you really want that life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the parents want to feel needed. This is my MIL. She has a very close relationship with BIL’s children and has only met our children a handful of times. BIL and SIL have lived with her on and off and on over the time they have been married. We are self sufficient.

This. So much of the rescuing, enabling, etc. stems from the parents wanting to feel needed. It’s like raising a child all over again but getting to skip the diapers and toddler years. The needy adult child keeps them busy and loved. The needy adult child becomes their hobby, their excuse, and their validation. It is a cycle.

No, they just don't want to see them fail. They worry about what will happen if they stop. So the keep doing it. They want to avoid homelessness, drugs, or other worst case scenarios. It's desperation not because they need a hobby. Wait until you have a kid like this and see if you coldly turn your back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the parents want to feel needed. This is my MIL. She has a very close relationship with BIL’s children and has only met our children a handful of times. BIL and SIL have lived with her on and off and on over the time they have been married. We are self sufficient.

This. So much of the rescuing, enabling, etc. stems from the parents wanting to feel needed. It’s like raising a child all over again but getting to skip the diapers and toddler years. The needy adult child keeps them busy and loved. The needy adult child becomes their hobby, their excuse, and their validation. It is a cycle.

No, they just don't want to see them fail. They worry about what will happen if they stop. So the keep doing it. They want to avoid homelessness, drugs, or other worst case scenarios. It's desperation not because they need a hobby. Wait until you have a kid like this and see if you coldly turn your back.

I’m one of many kids. I wish my parents spent more time “coddling” the neediest sib. Instead they sent him away at 13 to be raised by relatives.

In my family the disparate treatment was more based on age than need. The younger cohort got babied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Brushing up on the parable of the prodigal son might be helpful. I'm not Christian but I've always liked the relatability of it, I see it in many families and agree with supporting your kid who needs help.

This. Imagine what it feel like to be your sibling. Unable to support themselves, always having to get help from their parents, essentially stuck in a bad dream of feeling like everyone looks down on them and sees them as still a child even though they’re grown adults? If you could Freaky Friday the situation, I guarantee you would run screaming back to your current life the minute you you saw how that felt. It also might help you feel a little more empathy for your sibling. Old habits are hard to break for underachievers - once you’ve lived a life for awhile where you aren’t able to support yourself, it’s really tough to break the cycle. Be thankful for who you are in this situation.

Disagree, this is foolish thinking. Moochers will mooch. Why work when parents carry the bills? Why take employment seriously when mom and dad are there to rescue you? Do you seriously think these folks feel embarrassed?

DP. I do. I have two siblings still living with the family home who received all of my parents' estate worth millions. Both never married and never pursued a career. Their nephews and nieces are now adults and launched. Their high school classmates are becoming grandparents. People always ask you about whether you are married, have a career and a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the parents want to feel needed. This is my MIL. She has a very close relationship with BIL’s children and has only met our children a handful of times. BIL and SIL have lived with her on and off and on over the time they have been married. We are self sufficient.

This. So much of the rescuing, enabling, etc. stems from the parents wanting to feel needed. It’s like raising a child all over again but getting to skip the diapers and toddler years. The needy adult child keeps them busy and loved. The needy adult child becomes their hobby, their excuse, and their validation. It is a cycle.

No, they just don't want to see them fail. They worry about what will happen if they stop. So the keep doing it. They want to avoid homelessness, drugs, or other worst case scenarios. It's desperation not because they need a hobby. Wait until you have a kid like this and see if you coldly turn your back.

Agree with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s always the children who are self sufficient and hard working who get nothing while the lazy and unambitious get bailed out constantly. It’s becoming tiresome to watch this happen in my family. I hate my job and want to quit but don’t because I need to pay the bills - like an adult. Lazy sibling chooses their hobby as a career and can’t make ends meet - parents always are giving them money and never push them to work a 9-5 like the rest of us.

Your parents aren’t going to live forever. At the end of the day who would you rather be, you or your sibling?

I worry that my siblings who are totally dependent on my parents as adults will come to me with their hands out when our parents pass. And my BIL is even worse. I don't want to be the bad guy saying "we can't help" when perhaps we could help some. But it's hard to stomach because for years we've just figured it out on our own while our siblings have gotten tons of help, financial and otherwise.

Why is it hard to say no? Grow up. Your children should inherit your money. Your extended family want to take money away from your children. Do not do it. You are crazy framing it that you are the bad guy for saying no. Who are the bad guys here pp? You have this all wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Brushing up on the parable of the prodigal son might be helpful. I'm not Christian but I've always liked the relatability of it, I see it in many families and agree with supporting your kid who needs help.

This. Imagine what it feel like to be your sibling. Unable to support themselves, always having to get help from their parents, essentially stuck in a bad dream of feeling like everyone looks down on them and sees them as still a child even though they’re grown adults? If you could Freaky Friday the situation, I guarantee you would run screaming back to your current life the minute you you saw how that felt. It also might help you feel a little more empathy for your sibling. Old habits are hard to break for underachievers - once you’ve lived a life for awhile where you aren’t able to support yourself, it’s really tough to break the cycle. Be thankful for who you are in this situation.

NP - this isn’t an either-or situation. I do feel empathy for my sibling and would never want to trade places with her.

And also I’m sick of my parents having no resources left for me and my family, not to mention expecting me to take care of every single thing for them as they age. I’m still their child, too.

You could do less and maybe they would give you more but do you really want that life?

Once these roles are set, they're virtually impossible to change, IMO. Again, people are allowed to feel different things at once. It's normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s always the children who are self sufficient and hard working who get nothing while the lazy and unambitious get bailed out constantly. It’s becoming tiresome to watch this happen in my family. I hate my job and want to quit but don’t because I need to pay the bills - like an adult. Lazy sibling chooses their hobby as a career and can’t make ends meet - parents always are giving them money and never push them to work a 9-5 like the rest of us.

Your parents aren’t going to live forever. At the end of the day who would you rather be, you or your sibling?

I worry that my siblings who are totally dependent on my parents as adults will come to me with their hands out when our parents pass. And my BIL is even worse. I don't want to be the bad guy saying "we can't help" when perhaps we could help some. But it's hard to stomach because for years we've just figured it out on our own while our siblings have gotten tons of help, financial and otherwise.

Life will feel better when you accept being the bad guy when appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the parents want to feel needed. This is my MIL. She has a very close relationship with BIL’s children and has only met our children a handful of times. BIL and SIL have lived with her on and off and on over the time they have been married. We are self sufficient.

This. So much of the rescuing, enabling, etc. stems from the parents wanting to feel needed. It’s like raising a child all over again but getting to skip the diapers and toddler years. The needy adult child keeps them busy and loved. The needy adult child becomes their hobby, their excuse, and their validation. It is a cycle.

No, they just don't want to see them fail. They worry about what will happen if they stop. So the keep doing it. They want to avoid homelessness, drugs, or other worst case scenarios. It's desperation not because they need a hobby. Wait until you have a kid like this and see if you coldly turn your back.

I’m one of many kids. I wish my parents spent more time “coddling” the neediest sib. Instead they sent him away at 13 to be raised by relatives.

In my family the disparate treatment was more based on age than need. The younger cohort got babied.

That's how it always is. But most of these complaints are from siblings who feel slighted. I wonder how those siblings who are now parents themselves, plan to handle their own needy kids. Thinking you're a perfect parent doesn't guarantee perfect children. What will it be: boarding school? Neglect? Kick out of the house? Cut off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the parents want to feel needed. This is my MIL. She has a very close relationship with BIL’s children and has only met our children a handful of times. BIL and SIL have lived with her on and off and on over the time they have been married. We are self sufficient.

This. So much of the rescuing, enabling, etc. stems from the parents wanting to feel needed. It’s like raising a child all over again but getting to skip the diapers and toddler years. The needy adult child keeps them busy and loved. The needy adult child becomes their hobby, their excuse, and their validation. It is a cycle.

No, they just don't want to see them fail. They worry about what will happen if they stop. So the keep doing it. They want to avoid homelessness, drugs, or other worst case scenarios. It's desperation not because they need a hobby. Wait until you have a kid like this and see if you coldly turn your back.

There are more loving and compassionate choices than invest everything in one high-needs child or “coldly turn your back”.

My sister is a single mother with a deadbeat ex husband and one child with SN. She is undeniably the higher needs child through no fault of her own. My parents have spent tens— probably hundreds— of thousands on her and her children, between her legal costs and keeping the girls in private therapy, groceries, etc.

But my parents have never *ever* failed to be there for me and my family. We had a major home repair my dad was on the phone with our contractors the next morning, my mother still bought first day of school dresses for my daughter, my parents pay for our vacation with them just like they do for my sister even though we don’t need it but because they want to take a little off our plate too.

In contrast my husbands parents complain bitterly about their high-needs daughter while footing the bill for her travel (never even offering to pay a cab for us) and buying their kids’ whole wardrobes.

Guess who we spend more time with now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s always the children who are self sufficient and hard working who get nothing while the lazy and unambitious get bailed out constantly. It’s becoming tiresome to watch this happen in my family. I hate my job and want to quit but don’t because I need to pay the bills - like an adult. Lazy sibling chooses their hobby as a career and can’t make ends meet - parents always are giving them money and never push them to work a 9-5 like the rest of us.

Not being given something isn’t the same as being punished. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

This is happening to me now. My father passed away and the large house, that my sister and her husband live in with my mom, is in my mom's name.
My mom has already decelerated that I should be happy with one apartment in this three story 6 apartments on different levels house.
I am getting a whole one level! When I mentioned, ok, can I get the building that dad built close by, that is a garage/workshop, she said no. Not only that, but one of the apartments dad made for me and my family so we will stay there when visiting. It was very clear who it was for and who paid for it and why.
My sister has taken over it completely, and taken over the ground level apartment, in addition to all she uses as it was. Mom has now turned the story into, no, it was never for you and your family! I am not even asking to live there, I am just asking why when we visit, less and less often, we can't stay there, and they need 4 apartments over 3 different levels.
I already gifted my part of the grandma's house and property (my grandma) to my sister. And that is now, but that is worthless, nothing at all to have. It is a big rural property. Sister works, but on and off, BIL has not worked i over 16 years.
Mom watched their late in life two year old, while BIL takes naps.
None of this is new though, I was and still am mom's scape goat.
Sister is the golden child.