Why do parents punish the more successful children?

[Anonymous]

It’s always the children who are self sufficient and hard working who get nothing while the lazy and unambitious get bailed out constantly. It’s becoming tiresome to watch this happen in my family. I hate my job and want to quit but don’t because I need to pay the bills - like an adult. Lazy sibling chooses their hobby as a career and can’t make ends meet - parents always are giving them money and never push them to work a 9-5 like the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

I learned to appreciate being the sibling who's a functional adult. Better choice by far.

[Anonymous]

You can quit and become a lazy sibling too. Problem solved. I’m sure your parents will help you out. You just like judging your siblings and dwelling in negativity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I learned to appreciate being the sibling who's a functional adult. Better choice by far.

NP. I agree but I also understand how OP feels. One frustration I have us that I would like to do enjoyable things with my parents and ILs (that I can host/pay for) but they cannot participate because we my siblings and DH's brother suck up all their bandwidth. So like my kids have no relationship with my parents beyond the occasional face time and an in person visit every few years, because my parents invest all their time and energy into helping my un- and under-employed brothers or helping my sister raise her kids. It really does feel like I am invisible because I am self-sufficient.

[Anonymous]

They also relate in the same way. If you are successful they talk to you about business. Things they need done. If you are more easygoing they talk to you about fun things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I learned to appreciate being the sibling who's a functional adult. Better choice by far.

Or being married to the sibling who has made better choices. Yes, it's nauseating as an in-law to see all the cousins' things paid for but nada for our kids, but being the in-law is one step further removed and I just put it out of my mind and feel fortunate for us and sorry for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I learned to appreciate being the sibling who's a functional adult. Better choice by far.

NP. I agree but I also understand how OP feels. One frustration I have us that I would like to do enjoyable things with my parents and ILs (that I can host/pay for) but they cannot participate because we my siblings and DH's brother suck up all their bandwidth. So like my kids have no relationship with my parents beyond the occasional face time and an in person visit every few years, because my parents invest all their time and energy into helping my un- and under-employed brothers or helping my sister raise her kids. It really does feel like I am invisible because I am self-sufficient.

PP. Believe me, I get it. For sanity's sake I needed to focus on being functional. Otherwise, it was very hard to think how much of an afterthought I was to my parents because they were always dealing with a sibling "crisis." Sucks for me, sucks for my kids. The options are clamor for a sliver of attention while burning through my own peace and energy OR accept that my parents made their choices and continue to do so.

[Anonymous]

I couldn’t live my life like that OP—could you, realistically? Having to ask mom and dad for financial assistance in your 30s and 40s?

I see my sister asking my dad to fly to her to do house projects she can’t afford to hire out, getting their hand me down vehicle because she can’t buy her own, etc. I’m grateful that’s not my situation and I can make my own choices without relying on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I couldn’t live my life like that OP—could you, realistically? Having to ask mom and dad for financial assistance in your 30s and 40s?

I see my sister asking my dad to fly to her to do house projects she can’t afford to hire out, getting their hand me down vehicle because she can’t buy her own, etc. I’m grateful that’s not my situation and I can make my own choices without relying on them.

What if you asked like she does?

[Anonymous]

DH's family of four is like this. DH, his twin, their parents. It's somehow even worse when you're dealing with identical twin adults who have the same genetic material (more or less), same exact life experiences occurring at the same exact time. ie, can't claim that parents have more money years later so sibling get a car and eldest didn't. Same schools K-12, same caliber of college and grad schools paid for.

Identical everything.

Twin 1 gets thousands in financial support for the day-to-day every year for decades. Twin 2 ... gets basic holiday presents (thanks ...) and nothing more.

Twin 1 chose a passion career in the arts, building on a hobby, that pays very minimally. Like really minimally. Needs help with car insurance, phone bill, any fights to anywhere, health insurance.

Twin 2 selected high paying corporate job he has grown to hate due to stress, etc.

[Anonymous]

My sister would say I get everything and I've gotten nothing and they all make it up. I haven't even gotten a birthday gift and when we all go out to dinner I'm expected to pay (so we stopped going out to dinner). We all are doing just fine and no one needs help. My parents haven't gotten my kids gifts either and insist they buy their own meals or everyone's on the 1-2 times they take the kids out without us. So, the kids don't want to go as they don't feel loved. After my mom and sister stole my inheritance, lied about it and lots of drama, I'll never speak to them again. Think about how you treat people.

[Anonymous]

Whoa! How exactly are you getting “punished?” I opened this thread thinking I was going to hear a story of how your parents beat you, but left your siblings alone.

You’re not getting punished in any way, shape or form. Stop being a victim. Stop judging others. Your parents can choose to spend their money however they want. Mind your own business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s always the children who are self sufficient and hard working who get nothing while the lazy and unambitious get bailed out constantly. It’s becoming tiresome to watch this happen in my family. I hate my job and want to quit but don’t because I need to pay the bills - like an adult. Lazy sibling chooses their hobby as a career and can’t make ends meet - parents always are giving them money and never push them to work a 9-5 like the rest of us.

Your parents aren’t going to live forever. At the end of the day who would you rather be, you or your sibling?

[Anonymous]

Eventually my parents saw it for what it was. They also realized that sibling wouldn't be helping them. So guess what? They decided to move close to me so when they get sick, it'll be on me. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s always the children who are self sufficient and hard working who get nothing while the lazy and unambitious get bailed out constantly. It’s becoming tiresome to watch this happen in my family. I hate my job and want to quit but don’t because I need to pay the bills - like an adult. Lazy sibling chooses their hobby as a career and can’t make ends meet - parents always are giving them money and never push them to work a 9-5 like the rest of us.

Your parents aren’t going to live forever. At the end of the day who would you rather be, you or your sibling?

I worry that my siblings who are totally dependent on my parents as adults will come to me with their hands out when our parents pass. And my BIL is even worse. I don't want to be the bad guy saying "we can't help" when perhaps we could help some. But it's hard to stomach because for years we've just figured it out on our own while our siblings have gotten tons of help, financial and otherwise.