Why do parents punish the more successful children?

[Anonymous]

Mom has declared!

[Anonymous]

In my mom's case it is not the feel to be needed. She just hates me, always had.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Because the parents want to feel needed. This is my MIL. She has a very close relationship with BIL’s children and has only met our children a handful of times. BIL and SIL have lived with her on and off and on over the time they have been married. We are self sufficient.[/quote]

This. So much of the rescuing, enabling, etc. stems from the parents wanting to feel needed. It’s like raising a child all over again but getting to skip the diapers and toddler years. The needy adult child keeps them busy and loved. The needy adult child becomes their hobby, their excuse, and their validation. It is a cycle.[/quote]

No, they just don't want to see them fail. They worry about what will happen if they stop. So the keep doing it. They want to avoid homelessness, drugs, or other worst case scenarios. It's desperation not because they need a hobby. [b]Wait until you have a kid like this and see if you coldly turn your back.[/b][/quote]



There are more loving and compassionate choices than invest everything in one high-needs child or “coldly turn your back”.

My sister is a single mother with a deadbeat ex husband and one child with SN. She is undeniably the higher needs child through no fault of her own. My parents have spent tens— probably hundreds— of thousands on her and her children, between her legal costs and keeping the girls in private therapy, groceries, etc.

But my parents have never *ever* failed to be there for me and my family. We had a major home repair my dad was on the phone with our contractors the next morning, my mother still bought first day of school dresses for my daughter, my parents pay for our vacation with them just like they do for my sister even though we don’t need it but because they want to take a little off our plate too.

In contrast my husbands parents complain bitterly about their high-needs daughter while footing the bill for her travel (never even offering to pay a cab for us) and buying their kids’ whole wardrobes.

Guess who we spend more time with now?[/quote]

I was with you when you described many options for parenting between coddling and disowning. You lost me when you pointed out how by paying thousands and thousands of dollars regularly for both your sister's family AND your family (though you guys don't need it), your parents are loving and generous.

OTOH, your ILs pay for their high-needs adult child, but nothing for your family (though you guys don't need it). Phoo! And you retaliate by spending less time with them.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Because the parents want to feel needed. This is my MIL. She has a very close relationship with BIL’s children and has only met our children a handful of times. BIL and SIL have lived with her on and off and on over the time they have been married. We are self sufficient.[/quote]

This. So much of the rescuing, enabling, etc. stems from the parents wanting to feel needed. It’s like raising a child all over again but getting to skip the diapers and toddler years. The needy adult child keeps them busy and loved. The needy adult child becomes their hobby, their excuse, and their validation. It is a cycle.[/quote]

No, they just don't want to see them fail. They worry about what will happen if they stop. So the keep doing it. They want to avoid homelessness, drugs, or other worst case scenarios. It's desperation not because they need a hobby. [b]Wait until you have a kid like this and see if you coldly turn your back.[/b][/quote]



There are more loving and compassionate choices than invest everything in one high-needs child or “coldly turn your back”.

My sister is a single mother with a deadbeat ex husband and one child with SN. She is undeniably the higher needs child through no fault of her own. My parents have spent tens— probably hundreds— of thousands on her and her children, between her legal costs and keeping the girls in private therapy, groceries, etc.

But my parents have never *ever* failed to be there for me and my family. We had a major home repair my dad was on the phone with our contractors the next morning, my mother still bought first day of school dresses for my daughter, my parents pay for our vacation with them just like they do for my sister even though we don’t need it but because they want to take a little off our plate too.

In contrast my husbands parents complain bitterly about their high-needs daughter while footing the bill for her travel (never even offering to pay a cab for us) and buying their kids’ whole wardrobes.

Guess who we spend more time with now?[/quote]

I was with you when you described many options for parenting between coddling and disowning. [b]You lost me when you pointed out how by paying thousands and thousands of dollars regularly for both your sister's family AND your family (though you guys don't need it), your parents are loving and generous. [/b]

OTOH, your ILs pay for their high-needs adult child, but nothing for your family (though you guys don't need it). Phoo! And you retaliate by spending less time with them.[/quote]

If you don’t think that’s loving and generous what do you think it is?

If you have thousands and thousands
to spend on one kid, you probably could
do something thoughtful and helpful for another kid as well even if they don’t need it, but to show your love and appreciation for them and that their lives may also have stress that could be alleviated.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Because the parents want to feel needed. This is my MIL. She has a very close relationship with BIL’s children and has only met our children a handful of times. BIL and SIL have lived with her on and off and on over the time they have been married. We are self sufficient.[/quote]

This. So much of the rescuing, enabling, etc. stems from the parents wanting to feel needed. It’s like raising a child all over again but getting to skip the diapers and toddler years. The needy adult child keeps them busy and loved. The needy adult child becomes their hobby, their excuse, and their validation. It is a cycle.[/quote]

No, they just don't want to see them fail. They worry about what will happen if they stop. So the keep doing it. They want to avoid homelessness, drugs, or other worst case scenarios. It's desperation not because they need a hobby. [b]Wait until you have a kid like this and see if you coldly turn your back.[/b][/quote]



There are more loving and compassionate choices than invest everything in one high-needs child or “coldly turn your back”.

My sister is a single mother with a deadbeat ex husband and one child with SN. She is undeniably the higher needs child through no fault of her own. My parents have spent tens— probably hundreds— of thousands on her and her children, between her legal costs and keeping the girls in private therapy, groceries, etc.

But my parents have never *ever* failed to be there for me and my family. We had a major home repair my dad was on the phone with our contractors the next morning, my mother still bought first day of school dresses for my daughter, my parents pay for our vacation with them just like they do for my sister even though we don’t need it but because they want to take a little off our plate too.

In contrast my husbands parents complain bitterly about their high-needs daughter while footing the bill for her travel (never even offering to pay a cab for us) and buying their kids’ whole wardrobes.

Guess who we spend more time with now?[/quote]

I was with you when you described many options for parenting between coddling and disowning. You lost me when you pointed out how by paying thousands and thousands of dollars regularly for both your sister's family AND your family (though you guys don't need it), your parents are loving and generous.

OTOH, your ILs pay for their high-needs adult child, but nothing for your family (though you guys don't need it). Phoo! [b]And you retaliate by spending less time with them[/b].[/quote]


I should add, it’s not “retaliating”. It’s easy to say yes to a fully paid for vacation where my kids will have a lovely time with their cousins and all the adults will enjoy one another’s company, than find thousands in the budget for international travel to a destination of ILs choosing where we will hear how hard it is to be expected to accommodate high needs SIL.

[Anonymous]

My mom said to me recently that of course I had to do more cleaning, take care of the younger sibling, do more and come see them more because I was always more capable than the sibling.
Basically I did so much even as a child, and yet she said this while glorifying my sister and still does.

[Anonymous]

"I should add, it’s not “retaliating”. It’s easy to say yes to a fully paid for vacation where my kids will have a lovely time with their cousins and all the adults will enjoy one another’s company, than find thousands in the budget for international travel to a destination of ILs choosing where we will hear how hard it is to be expected to accommodate high needs SIL."

^^^
Digging deeper into your hole of privilege. His parents don't pay thousands for us, so guess who we don't visit. You have your hand out same as your sister and DH's sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the parents want to feel needed. This is my MIL. She has a very close relationship with BIL’s children and has only met our children a handful of times. BIL and SIL have lived with her on and off and on over the time they have been married. We are self sufficient.

This. So much of the rescuing, enabling, etc. stems from the parents wanting to feel needed. It’s like raising a child all over again but getting to skip the diapers and toddler years. The needy adult child keeps them busy and loved. The needy adult child becomes their hobby, their excuse, and their validation. It is a cycle.

No, they just don't want to see them fail. They worry about what will happen if they stop. So the keep doing it. They want to avoid homelessness, drugs, or other worst case scenarios. It's desperation not because they need a hobby. Wait until you have a kid like this and see if you coldly turn your back.

Agree with this.

This is just enabling, if kid is trying and capable but falling short, yes help them but be fair to all.
Parents aren't going to be around forever, kid needs to start adulting and live within their means.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]
"I should add, it’s not “retaliating”. It’s easy to say yes to a fully paid for vacation where my kids will have a lovely time with their cousins and all the adults will enjoy one another’s company, than find thousands in the budget for international travel to a destination of ILs choosing where we will hear how hard it is to be expected to accommodate high needs SIL."

^^^
Digging deeper into your hole of privilege. His parents don't pay thousands for us, so guess who we don't visit. You have your hand out same as your sister and DH's sibling.[/quote]


Yes? That’s what I was saying. Compassionate and loving parents don’t only help the most high-needs children, they show love and support to their successful children as well, even if it’s only (financially) a fraction of what they give the high needs child. That avoids resentment, and builds good bonds between the children.

My in laws have chosen the path of nothing for the kid who did everything right except for endless complaints about his sibling. It’s not a successful strategy.

[Anonymous]

I relate to OP so much. My mom has gone on record saying about me “oh you will always figure it out so I don’t need to invest in you like I do with your sister”. About 20 years ago DH tried to have serious conversations either my mom about life planning, affairs, etc. she said “you only want to talk about serious things gs and it’s not fun like your sister”

Last year we placed my mom in a nursing home after a major illness. Sister wouldn’t take care of her and it was kind of expected we would. We did by placing her in a home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I relate to OP so much. My mom has gone on record saying about me “oh you will always figure it out so I don’t need to invest in you like I do with your sister”. About 20 years ago DH tried to have serious conversations either my mom about life planning, affairs, etc. she said “you only want to talk about serious things gs and it’s not fun like your sister”

Last year we placed my mom in a nursing home after a major illness. Sister wouldn’t take care of her and it was kind of expected we would. We did by placing her in a home.

I assume this is the outcome that parents who only support the high-needs kid anticipate? I don’t see how you can leave one kid to fend for themselves and expect to be their responsibility?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I relate to OP so much. My mom has gone on record saying about me “oh you will always figure it out so I don’t need to invest in you like I do with your sister”. About 20 years ago DH tried to have serious conversations either my mom about life planning, affairs, etc. she said “you only want to talk about serious things gs and it’s not fun like your sister”

Last year we placed my mom in a nursing home after a major illness. Sister wouldn’t take care of her and it was kind of expected we would. We did by placing her in a home.

I assume this is the outcome that parents who only support the high-needs kid anticipate? I don’t see how you can leave one kid to fend for themselves and expect to be their responsibility?

Yes, I was expected to fend for myself, became successful and now everyone just assumes me and DH will take care of everything because that's what we were "trained" to do. Not anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the parents want to feel needed. This is my MIL. She has a very close relationship with BIL’s children and has only met our children a handful of times. BIL and SIL have lived with her on and off and on over the time they have been married. We are self sufficient.

This. So much of the rescuing, enabling, etc. stems from the parents wanting to feel needed. It’s like raising a child all over again but getting to skip the diapers and toddler years. The needy adult child keeps them busy and loved. The needy adult child becomes their hobby, their excuse, and their validation. It is a cycle.

No, they just don't want to see them fail. They worry about what will happen if they stop. So the keep doing it. They want to avoid homelessness, drugs, or other worst case scenarios. It's desperation not because they need a hobby. Wait until you have a kid like this and see if you coldly turn your back.

There are more loving and compassionate choices than invest everything in one high-needs child or “coldly turn your back”.

My sister is a single mother with a deadbeat ex husband and one child with SN. She is undeniably the higher needs child through no fault of her own. My parents have spent tens— probably hundreds— of thousands on her and her children, between her legal costs and keeping the girls in private therapy, groceries, etc.

But my parents have never *ever* failed to be there for me and my family. We had a major home repair my dad was on the phone with our contractors the next morning, my mother still bought first day of school dresses for my daughter, my parents pay for our vacation with them just like they do for my sister even though we don’t need it but because they want to take a little off our plate too.

In contrast my husbands parents complain bitterly about their high-needs daughter while footing the bill for her travel (never even offering to pay a cab for us) and buying their kids’ whole wardrobes.

Guess who we spend more time with now?

Your parents really sound amazing. It gives me such hope in my heart to know there are actually great parents like this out there in the world. DH and I did not have that experience x2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the parents want to feel needed. This is my MIL. She has a very close relationship with BIL’s children and has only met our children a handful of times. BIL and SIL have lived with her on and off and on over the time they have been married. We are self sufficient.

This. So much of the rescuing, enabling, etc. stems from the parents wanting to feel needed. It’s like raising a child all over again but getting to skip the diapers and toddler years. The needy adult child keeps them busy and loved. The needy adult child becomes their hobby, their excuse, and their validation. It is a cycle.

No, they just don't want to see them fail. They worry about what will happen if they stop. So the keep doing it. They want to avoid homelessness, drugs, or other worst case scenarios. It's desperation not because they need a hobby. Wait until you have a kid like this and see if you coldly turn your back.

There are more loving and compassionate choices than invest everything in one high-needs child or “coldly turn your back”.

My sister is a single mother with a deadbeat ex husband and one child with SN. She is undeniably the higher needs child through no fault of her own. My parents have spent tens— probably hundreds— of thousands on her and her children, between her legal costs and keeping the girls in private therapy, groceries, etc.

But my parents have never *ever* failed to be there for me and my family. We had a major home repair my dad was on the phone with our contractors the next morning, my mother still bought first day of school dresses for my daughter, my parents pay for our vacation with them just like they do for my sister even though we don’t need it but because they want to take a little off our plate too.

In contrast my husbands parents complain bitterly about their high-needs daughter while footing the bill for her travel (never even offering to pay a cab for us) and buying their kids’ whole wardrobes.

Guess who we spend more time with now?

Your parents really sound amazing. It gives me such hope in my heart to know there are actually great parents like this out there in the world. DH and I did not have that experience x2.

I’m sorry.

The best thing about how my parents handled this, in my opinion, is that it helps maintain the relationship between me and my sister. We’re super close, our kids are super close, and there’s no resentment that she’s getting “more” because I am also blessed with plenty from my parents and they don’t make her an excuse.

On the other hand my husband has no meaningful relationship with his sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the parents want to feel needed. This is my MIL. She has a very close relationship with BIL’s children and has only met our children a handful of times. BIL and SIL have lived with her on and off and on over the time they have been married. We are self sufficient.

This. So much of the rescuing, enabling, etc. stems from the parents wanting to feel needed. It’s like raising a child all over again but getting to skip the diapers and toddler years. The needy adult child keeps them busy and loved. The needy adult child becomes their hobby, their excuse, and their validation. It is a cycle.

No, they just don't want to see them fail. They worry about what will happen if they stop. So the keep doing it. They want to avoid homelessness, drugs, or other worst case scenarios. It's desperation not because they need a hobby. Wait until you have a kid like this and see if you coldly turn your back.

There are more loving and compassionate choices than invest everything in one high-needs child or “coldly turn your back”.

My sister is a single mother with a deadbeat ex husband and one child with SN. She is undeniably the higher needs child through no fault of her own. My parents have spent tens— probably hundreds— of thousands on her and her children, between her legal costs and keeping the girls in private therapy, groceries, etc.

But my parents have never *ever* failed to be there for me and my family. We had a major home repair my dad was on the phone with our contractors the next morning, my mother still bought first day of school dresses for my daughter, my parents pay for our vacation with them just like they do for my sister even though we don’t need it but because they want to take a little off our plate too.

In contrast my husbands parents complain bitterly about their high-needs daughter while footing the bill for her travel (never even offering to pay a cab for us) and buying their kids’ whole wardrobes.

Guess who we spend more time with now?

Your parents really sound amazing. It gives me such hope in my heart to know there are actually great parents like this out there in the world. DH and I did not have that experience x2.

I’m sorry.

The best thing about how my parents handled this, in my opinion, is that it helps maintain the relationship between me and my sister. We’re super close, our kids are super close, and there’s no resentment that she’s getting “more” because I am also blessed with plenty from my parents and they don’t make her an excuse.

On the other hand my husband has no meaningful relationship with his sister.

#blessed