Pressure in marriage

[Anonymous]

Are you”boat wife” from prior threads?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have what I would describe as an unequal relationship with my husband of 20+ years. He has always been the dominant one and has pressured me a lot over the years to agree to things I didn’t want to do. These included buying an expensive house; using an inheritance I received to pay for a home remodel; and now, he is pressuring me bigtime to sell this house and move 1000 miles away.

I do NOT want to move but I’ve gone along with it because he wears me down with his arguing, pleading and guilt-inducing statements. Now we are at the point of getting ready to put the house on the market and I want to vomit. I don’t want to move. I don’t think I even want to spend the next 20 years with him. When I think of a happy future, he’s not in it.

I have to tell him tonight that I don’t want to move, and this is going to lead straight into what’s probably going to become a divorce conversation. I don’t feel ready to tell him this but I am now backed into a corner. I have no time to find a therapist where I could deliver the news in a neutral setting.

Any advice on how to stand up to him and have this conversation? I’m so anxious I can hardly breathe.

Be a reasonable adult and dissolve this partnership amicably to part ways. Find an attorney and file for divorce. You don't need a therapist to hold your hand, ask PCP to prescribe an anti anxiety medication for this phase of life. You can rent a furnished studio until you guys sell house and then buy a condo of your own.

That being said, do know that grass isn't greener on any side so make a logical decision not an emotional one triggering by sale and relocation.

I’m already on several anti anxiety meds because being around him stresses me out so much. As for delivering the news in a therapist’s office, it’s not “hand-holding.” It’s probably the only way I can do it. This isn’t a reasonable, calm person we’re talking about here.

DP I get it OP I am married to the same guy. Blow ups and explosive rage. Not fun.

I am managing by setting very strict boundaries. Talk about triggering topics in a public place or in therapy only. You need to make it clear you will leave if he yells or get dysregulated or mad. You will be surprised how he can control himself if you set boundaries. This is not to blame you. It’s to put more of the control back in your hands.

I would definitely continue to emphasize these limits to him. Very short sentences in email. Make it so the only place you will discuss is therapy. He will go if he has to. He is used to strong arming his way around you. If you’re leaving though he has no more leverage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you”boat wife” from prior threads?

Yup, I am embarrassed to admit.

I feel like I’m going to be posting these same pathetic threads when I’m 90. I’ll be in the assisted living home and he will still be bugging me to get a bigger boat. Why is it so hard to leave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you”boat wife” from prior threads?

Yup, I am embarrassed to admit.

I feel like I’m going to be posting these same pathetic threads when I’m 90. I’ll be in the assisted living home and he will still be bugging me to get a bigger boat. Why is it so hard to leave?

You may be embarrassed but at least you are not cruel and unkind. Give yourself grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not do what most married couples do and get a condo in this area and then get a house down there and spend half the time in each place? You could even each live in one and see each other sparingly?

That was an option pre-pandemic. But these days? Prices in decent locations in Florida are just as much as this area. And 7% mortgages makes buying two properties pretty much unaffordable. It's not clear that they would even clear underwriting on two properties, given that OP's husband is semi-retired and likely playing some tax games.

+1

I can't believe the blithe posts airily recommending this couple have two properties. Privileged talk.

They’ve been married twenty+ years and don’t have the expense of kids. It’s not unreasonable to think they could swing a small apartment at this point in their lives.

She already came back and said a second property (any kind) is not going to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you”boat wife” from prior threads?

Yup, I am embarrassed to admit.

I feel like I’m going to be posting these same pathetic threads when I’m 90. I’ll be in the assisted living home and he will still be bugging me to get a bigger boat. Why is it so hard to leave?

OP, I remember you left him once and it sounds you went back, and that he did not learn anything from the last time you separated. It’s clear that he is not going to change - ever. All you can do is look inward, and reflect on your last question. Perhaps there is a secondary gain to staying, or it’s related to something historic, from your own childhood. You have a lot of fear, and it seems like being alone is more painful for you than staying.

Whatever you choose to do about the move, it would benefit you to understand your own patterns, and choices; it’s futile to understand his, or expect him to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you”boat wife” from prior threads?

Yup, I am embarrassed to admit.

I feel like I’m going to be posting these same pathetic threads when I’m 90. I’ll be in the assisted living home and he will still be bugging me to get a bigger boat. Why is it so hard to leave?

Oh no. I am so sorry. I read all the previous threads.

Look, this is obviously a really hard and complicated situation for you. But the reason you keep posting here is because deep down you know this is a bad situation, but with us you can be anonymous and be brave inside. You are struggling to be brave outside. But you are doing it. Saying no to selling the house is a step. I think you will have to live with the discomfort and learn how to manage that. Someone said upthread that you are not responsible for his emotions, and that's 100% true. I am very conflict averse and in order to avoid the discomfort of sitting with someone being upset I will do anything to change it. Even if it's bad for me or is something I don't really want to do. But with practice I am much better at doing it. Embrace your own self-preservation.

I feel like this FL move is to get you isolated so he can continue to use your income to fund his interests without regard to what's best as a couple/family unit.

Stay strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you”boat wife” from prior threads?

Yup, I am embarrassed to admit.

I feel like I’m going to be posting these same pathetic threads when I’m 90. I’ll be in the assisted living home and he will still be bugging me to get a bigger boat. Why is it so hard to leave?

Oh no. I am so sorry. I read all the previous threads.

Look, this is obviously a really hard and complicated situation for you. But the reason you keep posting here is because deep down you know this is a bad situation, but with us you can be anonymous and be brave inside. You are struggling to be brave outside. But you are doing it. Saying no to selling the house is a step. I think you will have to live with the discomfort and learn how to manage that. Someone said upthread that you are not responsible for his emotions, and that's 100% true. I am very conflict averse and in order to avoid the discomfort of sitting with someone being upset I will do anything to change it. Even if it's bad for me or is something I don't really want to do. But with practice I am much better at doing it. Embrace your own self-preservation.

I feel like this FL move is to get you isolated so he can continue to use your income to fund his interests without regard to what's best as a couple/family unit.

Stay strong.

Thank you for this . I’m definitely conflict averse. We discussed the move again last night and I again said i just do not feel ready to move next month! Not at all. He said I’m not helping at all with the move— I told him it’s because I am not ready. He said he’s received zero support from me and I told him that I have likewise received zero support from him when I am so worried about this move (my gut is screaming no) that I can’t eat or sleep. I told him he’s doing the same thing he’s done with other big decisions— bulldozing me.

I do not want a for sale sign on my house next month. He is dragging me along. He can’t see how damaging this is. I’ve been telling him for months I am not ready for this. He won’t hear it. He told me that my issues with the move are MY issues and if I want to go to a therapist to discuss them, that’s fine, but he’s not going.

He has a lot of nerve to push this through when it’s my income that is allowing for such a move in the first place. But he knows— because I’ve left and come back a few times— that I’ll never really leave. Or he thinks he knows that.

He told me last night that I’m afraid of change, my life is ruled by anxiety, I am negative, and that he wants to start a new life in a new place where we can have new experiences. He wants, he wants, he wants.

I’m going to have to leave him for real this time. All of you who said he will never change, are right. He’s changed in some ways but a big issue like this he reverts to his old self. I am a grown, independent woman. This is not 1950. Life is too short to live like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not do what most married couples do and get a condo in this area and then get a house down there and spend half the time in each place? You could even each live in one and see each other sparingly?

TIL that most married couples buy a second house so they can get away from each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you”boat wife” from prior threads?

Yup, I am embarrassed to admit.

I feel like I’m going to be posting these same pathetic threads when I’m 90. I’ll be in the assisted living home and he will still be bugging me to get a bigger boat. Why is it so hard to leave?

Oh no. I am so sorry. I read all the previous threads.

Look, this is obviously a really hard and complicated situation for you. But the reason you keep posting here is because deep down you know this is a bad situation, but with us you can be anonymous and be brave inside. You are struggling to be brave outside. But you are doing it. Saying no to selling the house is a step. I think you will have to live with the discomfort and learn how to manage that. Someone said upthread that you are not responsible for his emotions, and that's 100% true. I am very conflict averse and in order to avoid the discomfort of sitting with someone being upset I will do anything to change it. Even if it's bad for me or is something I don't really want to do. But with practice I am much better at doing it. Embrace your own self-preservation.

I feel like this FL move is to get you isolated so he can continue to use your income to fund his interests without regard to what's best as a couple/family unit.

Stay strong.

Thank you for this . I’m definitely conflict averse. We discussed the move again last night and I again said i just do not feel ready to move next month! Not at all. He said I’m not helping at all with the move— I told him it’s because I am not ready. He said he’s received zero support from me and I told him that I have likewise received zero support from him when I am so worried about this move (my gut is screaming no) that I can’t eat or sleep. I told him he’s doing the same thing he’s done with other big decisions— bulldozing me.

I do not want a for sale sign on my house next month. He is dragging me along. He can’t see how damaging this is. I’ve been telling him for months I am not ready for this. He won’t hear it. He told me that my issues with the move are MY issues and if I want to go to a therapist to discuss them, that’s fine, but he’s not going.

He has a lot of nerve to push this through when it’s my income that is allowing for such a move in the first place. But he knows— because I’ve left and come back a few times— that I’ll never really leave. Or he thinks he knows that.

He told me last night that I’m afraid of change, my life is ruled by anxiety, I am negative, and that he wants to start a new life in a new place where we can have new experiences. He wants, he wants, he wants.

I’m going to have to leave him for real this time. All of you who said he will never change, are right. He’s changed in some ways but a big issue like this he reverts to his old self. I am a grown, independent woman. This is not 1950. Life is too short to live like this.

Yes! Please leave him. You can do it, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not do what most married couples do and get a condo in this area and then get a house down there and spend half the time in each place? You could even each live in one and see each other sparingly?

TIL that most married couples buy a second house so they can get away from each other.

Op here. Lol, I know! We can’t afford a second home and I wouldn’t want to be in a marriage like that even if we could. I’d rather be alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have what I would describe as an unequal relationship with my husband of 20+ years. He has always been the dominant one and has pressured me a lot over the years to agree to things I didn’t want to do. These included buying an expensive house; using an inheritance I received to pay for a home remodel; and now, he is pressuring me bigtime to sell this house and move 1000 miles away.

I do NOT want to move but I’ve gone along with it because he wears me down with his arguing, pleading and guilt-inducing statements. Now we are at the point of getting ready to put the house on the market and I want to vomit. I don’t want to move. I don’t think I even want to spend the next 20 years with him. When I think of a happy future, he’s not in it.

I have to tell him tonight that I don’t want to move, and this is going to lead straight into what’s probably going to become a divorce conversation. I don’t feel ready to tell him this but I am now backed into a corner. I have no time to find a therapist where I could deliver the news in a neutral setting.

Any advice on how to stand up to him and have this conversation? I’m so anxious I can hardly breathe.

Be a reasonable adult and dissolve this partnership amicably to part ways. Find an attorney and file for divorce. You don't need a therapist to hold your hand, ask PCP to prescribe an anti anxiety medication for this phase of life. You can rent a furnished studio until you guys sell house and then buy a condo of your own.

That being said, do know that grass isn't greener on any side so make a logical decision not an emotional one triggering by sale and relocation.

I’m already on several anti anxiety meds because being around him stresses me out so much. As for delivering the news in a therapist’s office, it’s not “hand-holding.” It’s probably the only way I can do it. This isn’t a reasonable, calm person we’re talking about here.

The communication you need to have is your attorney serving him with papers. You may need to have a restraining order handy to file. Life is going to get SO much better for you down the road, OP.

[Anonymous]

I just need to do it. I’ve said to him at least 5 times this weekend that I am not ready to move. He is willfully ignoring this. It’s clear he doesn’t respect me, and I guess I wouldn’t either if I were married to someone who left and returned so many times

I just can’t live like this. We are going to have a major confrontation this week. I can’t live like this.

[Anonymous]

Boat wife, I remember your former threads.

I think I replied about a victim complex. I feel like you’re still not in a place of taking responsibility and of putting everything on him. It takes two to get into this place. How are you guys almost putting the house on the market if he didn’t get a yes/ok signal from you somewhere down the line? I’m getting the feeling from his responses that you were never totally transparent with him. Probably from fear of conflict. But that’s partly a dynamic you can change, and a dynamic you are partly responsible for.

You’re also very ambivalent about the relationship. You don’t want to leave or stay. I feel like neither of you has a very strong sense of self and this is preventing you from resolving your relationship issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have what I would describe as an unequal relationship with my husband of 20+ years. He has always been the dominant one and has pressured me a lot over the years to agree to things I didn’t want to do. These included buying an expensive house; using an inheritance I received to pay for a home remodel; and now, he is pressuring me bigtime to sell this house and move 1000 miles away.

I do NOT want to move but I’ve gone along with it because he wears me down with his arguing, pleading and guilt-inducing statements. Now we are at the point of getting ready to put the house on the market and I want to vomit. I don’t want to move. I don’t think I even want to spend the next 20 years with him. When I think of a happy future, he’s not in it.

I have to tell him tonight that I don’t want to move, and this is going to lead straight into what’s probably going to become a divorce conversation. I don’t feel ready to tell him this but I am now backed into a corner. I have no time to find a therapist where I could deliver the news in a neutral setting.

Any advice on how to stand up to him and have this conversation? I’m so anxious I can hardly breathe.

How can you rewrite this to take ownership?

I’ve gone along with it because I…