Pressure in marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I just talked to him. It did not go well. He is extremely angry and blaming my anxiety, telling me I am not thinking rationally. I requested we put the move on hold and go to a therapist to discuss the issues and how we are both feeling, so we can get on the same page, and he flat out refuses. Keeps saying we have to move NOW because the housing market is about to crash and we have to get the equity from our house. Very very mad at me because he has been working so hard on every aspect of the move preparation. At the same time telling me he is afraid I will leave him over this. I feel completely backed into a corner here.

I am glad you talked to him.

I'm not surprised that you feel backed into a corner. But you're not. There is no true urgency here, from everything you've said.

I agree w/PP that him blaming your anxiety and saying you're not thinking rationally is ~gaslighting. It's his way of pressuring you to cave.

[Anonymous]

OP here. He’s still p!ssed and is continuing to talk about “when we move.” Almost like our conversation earlier today did not occur. I guess I just need to move forward on my own because he is determined for us to move. It’s not for a job opportunity for him. He’s semi retired and will continue to be so in Florida. He’s always wanted to live there. We’ve gone several times to look at areas to live and I always feel depressed— I don’t see anything I like in our budget. I’ve lived in DMV all my life and it’s really hard to go. He says “nothing about our life will change” because I will continue working from home and then going to the gym after work. I think everything will change. I don’t want to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He’s still p!ssed and is continuing to talk about “when we move.” Almost like our conversation earlier today did not occur. I guess I just need to move forward on my own because he is determined for us to move. It’s not for a job opportunity for him. He’s semi retired and will continue to be so in Florida. He’s always wanted to live there. We’ve gone several times to look at areas to live and I always feel depressed— I don’t see anything I like in our budget. I’ve lived in DMV all my life and it’s really hard to go. He says “nothing about our life will change” because I will continue working from home and then going to the gym after work. I think everything will change. I don’t want to do this.

Stay strong. You have every right (maybe even more right, since you're the breadwinner) to stay put.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He’s still p!ssed and is continuing to talk about “when we move.” Almost like our conversation earlier today did not occur. I guess I just need to move forward on my own because he is determined for us to move. It’s not for a job opportunity for him. He’s semi retired and will continue to be so in Florida. He’s always wanted to live there. We’ve gone several times to look at areas to live and I always feel depressed— I don’t see anything I like in our budget. I’ve lived in DMV all my life and it’s really hard to go. He says “nothing about our life will change” because I will continue working from home and then going to the gym after work. I think everything will change. I don’t want to do this.

Look, if he wants to retire, fine... he can sell the house, take his half of the equity and move there.

Would he consider getting a small place down there and living apart for several months of the year?

It seems to be that he is removing you from any form of support system. You have lived in DMV your while life and have relatives nearby. And in Florida you will only have him. He just sees you as an automaton to serve him, so nothing will change, because you will still work from home and earn money, and go to the gym to keep in shape! And they have grocery stores there, and you can clean those house! But he's not worried about you having to leave your relatives, friends, doctors, hobbies...!

[Anonymous]

I pointed out last year how often my DH “wins” some of our biggest arguments. You’d think it would be me. Because I think we know I win some of the little stuff.

But the big stuff, it was an easy timeline to lay out. This house and this move and this big choice. All what he wanted to do, with me (not even really personally) being against it.. more like questioning and pushing back because my side hadn’t been considered. Important questions for me weren’t answered. I might have agreed with him, except we never addressed my questions. I just gave in, because time was running out and we were at the stalemate. I also don’t want to win everything.. but ..

When I brought this up, he agreed. He had not noticed it before; however he understood my perspective.

Since then, a couple of medium-level decisions, we’ve brought this issue into play. He now knows I want more input — not me winning, but not disregarding my side.

[Anonymous]

Look into pacaso. Hope I spelled it right. It’s a 2nd home owning site where you can buy portions of a home. Shares.

Maybe that would be interesting to him. You all could travel down there 5x a year, but don’t have to move there. I used to live in FL. While some of the northern perceptions are wrong, it IS a whole thing. Living in Florida is far different than the 5 other states where I have lived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He’s still p!ssed and is continuing to talk about “when we move.” Almost like our conversation earlier today did not occur. I guess I just need to move forward on my own because he is determined for us to move. It’s not for a job opportunity for him. He’s semi retired and will continue to be so in Florida. He’s always wanted to live there. We’ve gone several times to look at areas to live and I always feel depressed— I don’t see anything I like in our budget. I’ve lived in DMV all my life and it’s really hard to go. He says “nothing about our life will change” because I will continue working from home and then going to the gym after work. I think everything will change. I don’t want to do this.

Look, if he wants to retire, fine... he can sell the house, take his half of the equity and move there.

Would he consider getting a small place down there and living apart for several months of the year?

It seems to be that he is removing you from any form of support system. You have lived in DMV your while life and have relatives nearby. And in Florida you will only have him. He just sees you as an automaton to serve him, so nothing will change, because you will still work from home and earn money, and go to the gym to keep in shape! And they have grocery stores there, and you can clean those house! But he's not worried about you having to leave your relatives, friends, doctors, hobbies...!

Listen to this PP! Trying to keep a spouse away from support systems, friends, family is a red flag, OP. It can be due to simply being oblivious about how much those things help you or it can be due to intentional and insidious desire to isolate you so you have to focus solely on him. Either way, it's bad for YOU but not for him--not at all. Maybe he just doesn't "get" that you find Florida a place alien to you and you don't see what HE finds so great there, and maybe he would understand if you told him frankly (have you tried that, though, and he doesn't hear you?). But if you think he'll just steamroll you over any objections you make--you know what to do, right, OP? Basically anything where you do not move, whether that's him going on his own while you stay married, or divorcing and going separate ways etc.

OP, isn't it disturbing to you that your own DH believes your entire life consists of working and going to the gym? There's more to you than that but he only sees those things as defining you. That in itself is a serious marital problem, to me.

Sit down and picture your life day to day if he were not in it at all. What would change? What could you choose to change if he weren't around? What would you miss? (We dont know the good parts of the marriage and you do.) I'd do some serious weighing of your life with him here and now; your life with him if you move with him and away from your friends etc. here; and your life if you split up and you are living here in the DMV solo. Write down pros and cons of each. I would stop the move talk completely and get into individual therapy as fast as you can (but it can be tough to find a therapist who has slots these days, so start ASAP searching for one).

If DH refuses to give you--the person he supposedly loves most in the world, right??-- room to think about things, that's another sign he's all about himself and about forcing you into the mold he wants.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like since he's "semi retired" he wants to move on to a lifestyle more like full retirement while you are working full-time and earning more of the income you and he are living on. You're at different points in your lives professionally and in terms of day to day lifestyle, is that fair to say? This is the kind of tipping point at which some couples divorce. Add in the fact he pressures you over other things over the years, and the fact you do not have kids to link you together for life, and this sounds like a time when you should not move at all but he can if he wants to.

Maybe he fears that if you split up, he cannot afford to move where he wants, since you are the breadwinner, OP. He is hoping to use your fear of his anger to get you to keep supporting his lifestyle. That may be part of the pressure--he expects to keep your income rolling in so he can make his desired move. Not a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Op here. This comment from a PP really hit home: If DH refuses to give you--the person he supposedly loves most in the world, right??-- room to think about things, that's another sign he's all about himself and about forcing you into the mold he wants.

And also the PP who said her husband “wins” every big argument or debate. That’s how it is with us.

I do feel like he is using me for the income I provide, and that’s a terrible way to feel. He knows he can manipulate me with his anger and his pouting and I’ll give in. I’m not giving in on this, and as someone said above, this is probably what’s going to cause us to split up.

I’m really depressed. At least we never had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This comment from a PP really hit home: If DH refuses to give you--the person he supposedly loves most in the world, right??-- room to think about things, that's another sign he's all about himself and about forcing you into the mold he wants.

And also the PP who said her husband “wins” every big argument or debate. That’s how it is with us.

I do feel like he is using me for the income I provide, and that’s a terrible way to feel. He knows he can manipulate me with his anger and his pouting and I’ll give in. I’m not giving in on this, and as someone said above, this is probably what’s going to cause us to split up.

I’m really depressed. At least we never had kids.

Can you afford to rent or buy a small condo in Florida that he can move to? Tell him he can go there as much as he wants but your residence is going to be DC.

[Anonymous]

Can someone dig up the thread of the woman whose DH was insisting on an expensive boat purchase that led to the OP finally getting divorced? A lot of similarities with a selfish DH insisting on major financial decisions.

[Anonymous]

How is he semi-retired? What kind of money does he have coming in?

I'm guessing a small military pension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can someone dig up the thread of the woman whose DH was insisting on an expensive boat purchase that led to the OP finally getting divorced? A lot of similarities with a selfish DH insisting on major financial decisions.

I thought about that thread, too. Very similar situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This comment from a PP really hit home: If DH refuses to give you--the person he supposedly loves most in the world, right??-- room to think about things, that's another sign he's all about himself and about forcing you into the mold he wants.

And also the PP who said her husband “wins” every big argument or debate. That’s how it is with us.

I do feel like he is using me for the income I provide, and that’s a terrible way to feel. He knows he can manipulate me with his anger and his pouting and I’ll give in. I’m not giving in on this, and as someone said above, this is probably what’s going to cause us to split up.

I’m really depressed. At least we never had kids.

OP I find your answers mysteriously passive. Do you want to stay married to this person or are you fine with this issue being the cause of your break up? If he miraculously gives in do you even want to stay married?

And I’m surprised no one has brought this up, but is it possible that you played a role in this dynamic? You paint yourself as having been a complete doormat for the duration of your marriage, but is that really true?

[Anonymous]

Why not do what most married couples do and get a condo in this area and then get a house down there and spend half the time in each place? You could even each live in one and see each other sparingly?