Pressure in marriage

[Anonymous]

I have what I would describe as an unequal relationship with my husband of 20+ years. He has always been the dominant one and has pressured me a lot over the years to agree to things I didn’t want to do. These included buying an expensive house; using an inheritance I received to pay for a home remodel; and now, he is pressuring me bigtime to sell this house and move 1000 miles away.

I do NOT want to move but I’ve gone along with it because he wears me down with his arguing, pleading and guilt-inducing statements. Now we are at the point of getting ready to put the house on the market and I want to vomit. I don’t want to move. I don’t think I even want to spend the next 20 years with him. When I think of a happy future, he’s not in it.

I have to tell him tonight that I don’t want to move, and this is going to lead straight into what’s probably going to become a divorce conversation. I don’t feel ready to tell him this but I am now backed into a corner. I have no time to find a therapist where I could deliver the news in a neutral setting.

Any advice on how to stand up to him and have this conversation? I’m so anxious I can hardly breathe.

[Anonymous]

Others here are going to have better ideas about how to handle the conversation but I'd note that you should check, this minute, and be sure there's no way he can put the house on the market without your approval. It's been decades since I bought a house and I've never had to sell one, so sorry if this is off the mark, but I'd want first and foremost the assurance he can't sell it out from under you while you decide what to do. Not assurance from him that he "won't" proceed without you -- I'm talking about assurance that he cannot proceed without you. Depends on whose names are on the mortgage or title, I guess? Sorry if it's a moot point, it was just the first thing that occurred to me. You can't have breathing space to consider how to tell him "no" unless you are sure he can't steamroll this sale.

And sadly, OP, it does sound as if you are ready to be done with this marriage unless he has a true "come to Jesus" wake-up call and would rather lose the move than lose you.

Do you and he have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have what I would describe as an unequal relationship with my husband of 20+ years. He has always been the dominant one and has pressured me a lot over the years to agree to things I didn’t want to do. These included buying an expensive house; using an inheritance I received to pay for a home remodel; and now, he is pressuring me bigtime to sell this house and move 1000 miles away.

I do NOT want to move but I’ve gone along with it because he wears me down with his arguing, pleading and guilt-inducing statements. Now we are at the point of getting ready to put the house on the market and I want to vomit. I don’t want to move. I don’t think I even want to spend the next 20 years with him. When I think of a happy future, he’s not in it.

I have to tell him tonight that I don’t want to move, and this is going to lead straight into what’s probably going to become a divorce conversation. I don’t feel ready to tell him this but I am now backed into a corner. I have no time to find a therapist where I could deliver the news in a neutral setting.

Any advice on how to stand up to him and have this conversation? I’m so anxious I can hardly breathe.

Tell him that you need to discuss the move. Then tell him that you do not want to move and have gone along with the planning to avoid a fight, but you don't want to and aren't going to change your mind. If he tries to push the conversation in places you are not comfortable with, it's okay to just keep saying, "I am not ready to have that conversation yet" as long as it takes.

Make a plan for something to do after you tell him. It would probably be best to let him be angry and not take that anger on yourself, but you know your situation. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Meet in a public place. Get your stuff out of the house first (valuables and anything he might destroy like photos).

Good for you OP. You will be happier without him, plus he’s moving away!

[Anonymous]

I would go talk to a divorce attorney first so that you have support. Then have the convo.

Are you local? We refer clients to Rebecca Geller’s firm. https://www.thegellerlawgroup.com/

[Anonymous]

If he sells the house it is an easy out. You can file the papers, split the proceeds and go your separate ways.

[Anonymous]

I would tell him you want a trial separation, and you are moving to a friend/hotel/rental for six months to get some space from him and make personal decisions. I would have your bags packed. Leave after the conversation.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have any relatives who can be around for the conversation or whose home you could crash at? Or even can just be available for a phone call after you have this talk? Do you have children?

[Anonymous]

Op here. We don’t have kids. Also I am the main breadwinner. Both our names are on the mortgage and deed.

I’m just afraid of his reaction. I don’t know why I’m such a coward. My therapist says my husband behaves like an adolescent— throwing temper tantrums and expecting unconditional love from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have any relatives who can be around for the conversation or whose home you could crash at? Or even can just be available for a phone call after you have this talk? Do you have children?

I have a relative who lives nearby. We don’t have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have any relatives who can be around for the conversation or whose home you could crash at? Or even can just be available for a phone call after you have this talk? Do you have children?

I have a relative who lives nearby. We don’t have kids.

I know this is so hard, but without kids it will be easier. If you can, call your relative to let them know about this situation. Perhaps they can call you to check in on you - it may break up the tension. If the tension is bad you could ask them to come over or you go over there. You do not have to tell your husband all your plans and feelings tonight, just that you don't want to move right now. You should see a lawyer, privately, as soon as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We don’t have kids. Also I am the main breadwinner. Both our names are on the mortgage and deed.

I’m just afraid of his reaction. I don’t know why I’m such a coward. My therapist says my husband behaves like an adolescent— throwing temper tantrums and expecting unconditional love from me.

Tell him he can move if he wants to. You stay put.

[Anonymous]

Agree that you should tell him he can move away if he wants, but you're not going. Tomorrow, call divorce attorneys. Start getting help getting your ducks in a row.

[Anonymous]

Bottom line is that if your relationship has more pain (pressure) than pleasure, you will be happier decoupled. Simple arithmetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I know this is so hard, but without kids it will be easier. If you can, call your relative to let them know about this situation. Perhaps they can call you to check in on you - it may break up the tension. If the tension is bad you could ask them to come over or you go over there. You do not have to tell your husband all your plans and feelings tonight, just that you don't want to move right now. You should see a lawyer, privately, as soon as you can.

I agree with the above, especially the bolded part. Wish you well.