Pressure in marriage

[Anonymous]

OP, I am thinking of you and wondering how last night went.

[Anonymous]

OP, please keep us posted. lots of love

[Anonymous]

Go to a public library or use an Incognito browser mode on your work computer. Make a list of things to do to protect yourself if you suspect an acrimonious divorce is looming. Secure valuables. Get tax returns and current bank statements. Do this before you tell him.

Check that the house is in both of your names and your cooperation is needed to sell it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I couldn’t do it last night. The pp who stated I am afraid of him is correct. I don’t think he would ever physically harm me but he has screamed at me in the past and I fear this level of anger. The suggestion to tell him that if he loses it, I’m going to a hotel, was a really good suggestion that I will use. I’m working on what to say and planning for maybe needing to leave the house quickly.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I just talked to him. It did not go well. He is extremely angry and blaming my anxiety, telling me I am not thinking rationally. I requested we put the move on hold and go to a therapist to discuss the issues and how we are both feeling, so we can get on the same page, and he flat out refuses. Keeps saying we have to move NOW because the housing market is about to crash and we have to get the equity from our house. Very very mad at me because he has been working so hard on every aspect of the move preparation. At the same time telling me he is afraid I will leave him over this. I feel completely backed into a corner here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I just talked to him. It did not go well. He is extremely angry and blaming my anxiety, telling me I am not thinking rationally. I requested we put the move on hold and go to a therapist to discuss the issues and how we are both feeling, so we can get on the same page, and he flat out refuses. Keeps saying we have to move NOW because the housing market is about to crash and we have to get the equity from our house. Very very mad at me because he has been working so hard on every aspect of the move preparation. At the same time telling me he is afraid I will leave him over this. I feel completely backed into a corner here.

OP, you need to contact an attorney. I've had a good experience with the Geller Law Group, too. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I just talked to him. It did not go well. He is extremely angry and blaming my anxiety, telling me I am not thinking rationally. I requested we put the move on hold and go to a therapist to discuss the issues and how we are both feeling, so we can get on the same page, and he flat out refuses. Keeps saying we have to move NOW because the housing market is about to crash and we have to get the equity from our house. Very very mad at me because he has been working so hard on every aspect of the move preparation. At the same time telling me he is afraid I will leave him over this. I feel completely backed into a corner here.

I can understand how he feels, to some extent that’s a lot to hear at the last moment. But that is neither here nor there. His feelings are his problem to handle, not yours. You need only take responsibility for your own feelings. You don’t want to move. And you only want to discuss the issue in a safe space, like with a therapist.

OP, get the therapist. Tell him you are going whether he goes or not. He either shows up or he doesn’t.

You need to leave if he’s angry. It doesn’t matter whether he has yelled at you or not. If YOU don’t feel safe, you leave.

You’ll never know what this relationship will be if you assert yourself if you don’t do it.

[Anonymous]

Op, you make more than him??? You should be more in control. trust me, get out soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I just talked to him. It did not go well. He is extremely angry and blaming my anxiety, telling me I am not thinking rationally. I requested we put the move on hold and go to a therapist to discuss the issues and how we are both feeling, so we can get on the same page, and he flat out refuses. Keeps saying we have to move NOW because the housing market is about to crash and we have to get the equity from our house. Very very mad at me because he has been working so hard on every aspect of the move preparation. At the same time telling me he is afraid I will leave him over this. I feel completely backed into a corner here.

OP it's not clear why he wants to move... is it some sort of opportunity for him? Do you actually want to get a divorce or go to therapy and work it out?

[Anonymous]

Stop talking to him and talk to your lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have what I would describe as an unequal relationship with my husband of 20+ years. He has always been the dominant one and has pressured me a lot over the years to agree to things I didn’t want to do. These included buying an expensive house; using an inheritance I received to pay for a home remodel; and now, he is pressuring me bigtime to sell this house and move 1000 miles away.

I do NOT want to move but I’ve gone along with it because he wears me down with his arguing, pleading and guilt-inducing statements. Now we are at the point of getting ready to put the house on the market and I want to vomit. I don’t want to move. I don’t think I even want to spend the next 20 years with him. When I think of a happy future, he’s not in it.

I have to tell him tonight that I don’t want to move, and this is going to lead straight into what’s probably going to become a divorce conversation. I don’t feel ready to tell him this but I am now backed into a corner. I have no time to find a therapist where I could deliver the news in a neutral setting.

Any advice on how to stand up to him and have this conversation? I’m so anxious I can hardly breathe.

Meet with some divorce lawyers before you have the conversation. Co-mingling the inheritance was a mistake.

[Anonymous]

He SHOULD be afraid you'll leave him over this. Does he think it's really possible? Because he's not acting like it. He's moving ahead anyway and using all his normal tricks.
My brother does this to his wife. He's convinced her to move where she didn't want to move, put in a pool she didn't want, have more children than she wanted. She also makes more money. I don't know why she doesn't leave. Except she loves him and maybe he's REALLY good at wearing her down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I just talked to him. It did not go well. He is extremely angry and blaming my anxiety, telling me I am not thinking rationally. I requested we put the move on hold and go to a therapist to discuss the issues and how we are both feeling, so we can get on the same page, and he flat out refuses. Keeps saying we have to move NOW because the housing market is about to crash and we have to get the equity from our house. Very very mad at me because he has been working so hard on every aspect of the move preparation. At the same time telling me he is afraid I will leave him over this. I feel completely backed into a corner here.

Regarding the bold -- do NOT let him talk you into believing this yourself. This is, I think, a kind of gaslighting -- he's telling you that what you want is not "real" and you're mentally not "right" etc. Don't believe it. Listen to the PPs above about getting ducks in a row to leave. The way he's doubling down on pressure so hard ("we have to move NOW because the housing market" blah blah) is a bad sign. Do not let his "I put in all this work!!" or "This is too late in the process to change" talk sway you. All this pressure only confirms your feeling that he is wrong, wrong, wrong to pressure you like this. I am afraid you're going to cave in and agree to the sale and the move and will be lost in this relationship.

Do you have someone in your life you can see immediately, who has your back and will unconditionally support you (and not try to push you back to him)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I just talked to him. It did not go well. He is extremely angry and blaming my anxiety, telling me I am not thinking rationally. I requested we put the move on hold and go to a therapist to discuss the issues and how we are both feeling, so we can get on the same page, and he flat out refuses. Keeps saying we have to move NOW because the housing market is about to crash and we have to get the equity from our house. Very very mad at me because he has been working so hard on every aspect of the move preparation. At the same time telling me he is afraid I will leave him over this. I feel completely backed into a corner here.

Regarding the bold -- do NOT let him talk you into believing this yourself. This is, I think, a kind of gaslighting -- he's telling you that what you want is not "real" and you're mentally not "right" etc. Don't believe it. Listen to the PPs above about getting ducks in a row to leave. The way he's doubling down on pressure so hard ("we have to move NOW because the housing market" blah blah) is a bad sign. Do not let his "I put in all this work!!" or "This is too late in the process to change" talk sway you. All this pressure only confirms your feeling that he is wrong, wrong, wrong to pressure you like this. I am afraid you're going to cave in and agree to the sale and the move and will be lost in this relationship.

Do you have someone in your life you can see immediately, who has your back and will unconditionally support you (and not try to push you back to him)?

The more he pressures me, the worse I feel about it. He wants what he wants. I can’t cave in to this.

[Anonymous]

I used Geller twice and the experience was notably less positive the second time (including the associate they assigned to us failing to notice serious implications of the TCJA for our estate plan). Will not use them again.