Pressure in marriage

[Anonymous]

This way you still sell the house but you just buy a smaller property here as well?

[Anonymous]

If you want to stay married I’d look at a compromise like a condo apartment (assuming you can afford that) where you could be snowbirds and he could spend more time down there and you could be up here. And maybe that could be a step one to a separation, if you’re not ready for a divorce right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not do what most married couples do and get a condo in this area and then get a house down there and spend half the time in each place? You could even each live in one and see each other sparingly?

That was an option pre-pandemic. But these days? Prices in decent locations in Florida are just as much as this area. And 7% mortgages makes buying two properties pretty much unaffordable. It's not clear that they would even clear underwriting on two properties, given that OP's husband is semi-retired and likely playing some tax games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. I just talked to him. It did not go well. He is extremely angry and blaming my anxiety, telling me I am not thinking rationally. I requested we put the move on hold and go to a therapist to discuss the issues and how we are both feeling, so we can get on the same page, and he flat out refuses. Keeps saying we have to move NOW because the housing market is about to crash and we have to get the equity from our house. Very very mad at me because he has been working so hard on every aspect of the move preparation. At the same time telling me he is afraid I will leave him over this. I feel completely backed into a corner here.

He is not going to change. It's extremely hard to change and the person has to want to do it for himself. You have to decide what you want for yourself. Either you make peace with and accept this dynamic or you take the risk of leaving and being on your own.

[Anonymous]

We can’t afford two properties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This comment from a PP really hit home: If DH refuses to give you--the person he supposedly loves most in the world, right??-- room to think about things, that's another sign he's all about himself and about forcing you into the mold he wants.

And also the PP who said her husband “wins” every big argument or debate. That’s how it is with us.

I do feel like he is using me for the income I provide, and that’s a terrible way to feel. He knows he can manipulate me with his anger and his pouting and I’ll give in. I’m not giving in on this, and as someone said above, this is probably what’s going to cause us to split up.

I’m really depressed. At least we never had kids.

OP I find your answers mysteriously passive. Do you want to stay married to this person or are you fine with this issue being the cause of your break up? If he miraculously gives in do you even want to stay married?

And I’m surprised no one has brought this up, but is it possible that you played a role in this dynamic? You paint yourself as having been a complete doormat for the duration of your marriage, but is that really true?

DP, not the OP. The ship has sailed on what you're trying to get OP to do, which is ponder whether she's somehow "played a role in this dynamic." Well, sure she has and she's said so, admitting she has caved in to him for years rather than face his ire. You seem to want her to admit she's been something other than a "complete doormat," PP, but honestly -- so what? They don't have time on the calendar to back up and do the ton of couples therapy it would take to unravel "the duration of their marriage" like you think OP should do.

That ship has sailed, and he's on it, heading to Florida.

Self-examination is always good but when someone else is breathing down your neck wanting you to do your self-examination on THEIR turf, earning money to fund THEIR desired lifestyle--that's not a healthy way to ponder one's own "role in this dynamic."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not do what most married couples do and get a condo in this area and then get a house down there and spend half the time in each place? You could even each live in one and see each other sparingly?

That was an option pre-pandemic. But these days? Prices in decent locations in Florida are just as much as this area. And 7% mortgages makes buying two properties pretty much unaffordable. It's not clear that they would even clear underwriting on two properties, given that OP's husband is semi-retired and likely playing some tax games.

+1

I can't believe the blithe posts airily recommending this couple have two properties. Privileged talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not do what most married couples do and get a condo in this area and then get a house down there and spend half the time in each place? You could even each live in one and see each other sparingly?

That was an option pre-pandemic. But these days? Prices in decent locations in Florida are just as much as this area. And 7% mortgages makes buying two properties pretty much unaffordable. It's not clear that they would even clear underwriting on two properties, given that OP's husband is semi-retired and likely playing some tax games.

+1

I can't believe the blithe posts airily recommending this couple have two properties. Privileged talk.

They have a house. They can buy a studio or 1 bedroom condo in this area and also a house in Florida. Maybe just not in DC and Boca. Florida is huge. Get a condo out in the far-out suburbs.

[Anonymous]

People rent these out too. Air B&B

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not do what most married couples do and get a condo in this area and then get a house down there and spend half the time in each place? You could even each live in one and see each other sparingly?

That was an option pre-pandemic. But these days? Prices in decent locations in Florida are just as much as this area. And 7% mortgages makes buying two properties pretty much unaffordable. It's not clear that they would even clear underwriting on two properties, given that OP's husband is semi-retired and likely playing some tax games.

+1

I can't believe the blithe posts airily recommending this couple have two properties. Privileged talk.

They have a house. They can buy a studio or 1 bedroom condo in this area and also a house in Florida. Maybe just not in DC and Boca. Florida is huge. Get a condo out in the far-out suburbs.

Keep up. OP already came back to say that two properties is not an option.

Besides -- she is the earner here. He's "semi-retired" and she says she thinks he wants her to keep earning to fund what he wants to do. Why should she propose they own two properties if she doesn't want to spend her income on that? One of the two properties would be something she has zero desire to visit, in a location she dislikes. It's not a compromise, it's a buyoff to get DH out of her hair, if she agrees to buying him a FL condo or whatever. Money better spent on a good divorce attorney.

[Anonymous]

You can stay and he can move, and you can have a separate discussion about whether you want to stay married and what that would mean. Lots of married couples have someone working in a far away job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have what I would describe as an unequal relationship with my husband of 20+ years. He has always been the dominant one and has pressured me a lot over the years to agree to things I didn’t want to do. These included buying an expensive house; using an inheritance I received to pay for a home remodel; and now, he is pressuring me bigtime to sell this house and move 1000 miles away.

I do NOT want to move but I’ve gone along with it because he wears me down with his arguing, pleading and guilt-inducing statements. Now we are at the point of getting ready to put the house on the market and I want to vomit. I don’t want to move. I don’t think I even want to spend the next 20 years with him. When I think of a happy future, he’s not in it.

I have to tell him tonight that I don’t want to move, and this is going to lead straight into what’s probably going to become a divorce conversation. I don’t feel ready to tell him this but I am now backed into a corner. I have no time to find a therapist where I could deliver the news in a neutral setting.

Any advice on how to stand up to him and have this conversation? I’m so anxious I can hardly breathe.

Be a reasonable adult and dissolve this partnership amicably to part ways. Find an attorney and file for divorce. You don't need a therapist to hold your hand, ask PCP to prescribe an anti anxiety medication for this phase of life. You can rent a furnished studio until you guys sell house and then buy a condo of your own.

That being said, do know that grass isn't greener on any side so make a logical decision not an emotional one triggering by sale and relocation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have what I would describe as an unequal relationship with my husband of 20+ years. He has always been the dominant one and has pressured me a lot over the years to agree to things I didn’t want to do. These included buying an expensive house; using an inheritance I received to pay for a home remodel; and now, he is pressuring me bigtime to sell this house and move 1000 miles away.

I do NOT want to move but I’ve gone along with it because he wears me down with his arguing, pleading and guilt-inducing statements. Now we are at the point of getting ready to put the house on the market and I want to vomit. I don’t want to move. I don’t think I even want to spend the next 20 years with him. When I think of a happy future, he’s not in it.

I have to tell him tonight that I don’t want to move, and this is going to lead straight into what’s probably going to become a divorce conversation. I don’t feel ready to tell him this but I am now backed into a corner. I have no time to find a therapist where I could deliver the news in a neutral setting.

Any advice on how to stand up to him and have this conversation? I’m so anxious I can hardly breathe.

Be a reasonable adult and dissolve this partnership amicably to part ways. Find an attorney and file for divorce. You don't need a therapist to hold your hand, ask PCP to prescribe an anti anxiety medication for this phase of life. You can rent a furnished studio until you guys sell house and then buy a condo of your own.

That being said, do know that grass isn't greener on any side so make a logical decision not an emotional one triggering by sale and relocation.

I’m already on several anti anxiety meds because being around him stresses me out so much. As for delivering the news in a therapist’s office, it’s not “hand-holding.” It’s probably the only way I can do it. This isn’t a reasonable, calm person we’re talking about here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have what I would describe as an unequal relationship with my husband of 20+ years. He has always been the dominant one and has pressured me a lot over the years to agree to things I didn’t want to do. These included buying an expensive house; using an inheritance I received to pay for a home remodel; and now, he is pressuring me bigtime to sell this house and move 1000 miles away.

I do NOT want to move but I’ve gone along with it because he wears me down with his arguing, pleading and guilt-inducing statements. Now we are at the point of getting ready to put the house on the market and I want to vomit. I don’t want to move. I don’t think I even want to spend the next 20 years with him. When I think of a happy future, he’s not in it.

I have to tell him tonight that I don’t want to move, and this is going to lead straight into what’s probably going to become a divorce conversation. I don’t feel ready to tell him this but I am now backed into a corner. I have no time to find a therapist where I could deliver the news in a neutral setting.

Any advice on how to stand up to him and have this conversation? I’m so anxious I can hardly breathe.

Be a reasonable adult and dissolve this partnership amicably to part ways. Find an attorney and file for divorce. You don't need a therapist to hold your hand, ask PCP to prescribe an anti anxiety medication for this phase of life. You can rent a furnished studio until you guys sell house and then buy a condo of your own.

That being said, do know that grass isn't greener on any side so make a logical decision not an emotional one triggering by sale and relocation.

I’m already on several anti anxiety meds because being around him stresses me out so much. As for delivering the news in a therapist’s office, it’s not “hand-holding.” It’s probably the only way I can do it. This isn’t a reasonable, calm person we’re talking about here.

You don’t need to tell him anything in person. You can move out while he’s gone and have a process server deliver him divorce papers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not do what most married couples do and get a condo in this area and then get a house down there and spend half the time in each place? You could even each live in one and see each other sparingly?

That was an option pre-pandemic. But these days? Prices in decent locations in Florida are just as much as this area. And 7% mortgages makes buying two properties pretty much unaffordable. It's not clear that they would even clear underwriting on two properties, given that OP's husband is semi-retired and likely playing some tax games.

+1

I can't believe the blithe posts airily recommending this couple have two properties. Privileged talk.

They’ve been married twenty+ years and don’t have the expense of kids. It’s not unreasonable to think they could swing a small apartment at this point in their lives.