Pressure in marriage

[Anonymous]

Oh, wow. I had the exact same experience with my ex. I always gave in because he just.would.not.stop.badgering if I said no. I ended up giving in to moving across the country because he wore me down. And when we got there he started cheating on me. So, we divorced and I am so relieved to be rid of him. But we have kids, so I’m stuck in this “new” town.

Anyway, I’m wishing you well, OP. If this does result in divorce, you may be much happier and more peaceful on the other side.

[Anonymous]

Not much to add only wishing you well.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for your kindness and advice. I don’t have close friends so it means a lot to be able to get advice from DCUM. Your kindness made me cry. I have felt so alone. I’ll let you know how it goes.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've got this!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We don’t have kids. Also I am the main breadwinner. Both our names are on the mortgage and deed.

I’m just afraid of his reaction. I don’t know why I’m such a coward. My therapist says my husband behaves like an adolescent— throwing temper tantrums and expecting unconditional love from me.

Do it in public. Do not agree to be alone with him after. You need to set boundaries. Tell him if he explodes you will walk away (if you’re talking in a cafe.) Take several nights away in a hotel after so he can cool down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for your kindness and advice. I don’t have close friends so it means a lot to be able to get advice from DCUM. Your kindness made me cry. I have felt so alone. I’ll let you know how it goes.

OP, my marriage has some of this dynamic. In hindsight I wish I had left early on, but like you, here I am.

I think what finally happened for me (also in a move situation) is I just hit a wall. I had a lot of other issues going on but I realized my husband wanted what he wanted and full speed ahead without regard to the reality that the kids or I were dealing with. Somewhere deep down I knew if I gave into that move that something bad was going to happen mental health wise.

I agree 100% that all you should do for now is not agree to the move and then also refuse to engage on it. I know all too well the pit in your stomach when you are walking on eggshells with someone who wants to scream you into submission. Leave the house for the night if you need to, but this is the time to stand up for yourself. Strength to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for your kindness and advice. I don’t have close friends so it means a lot to be able to get advice from DCUM. Your kindness made me cry. I have felt so alone. I’ll let you know how it goes.

OP, my marriage has some of this dynamic. In hindsight I wish I had left early on, but like you, here I am.

I think what finally happened for me (also in a move situation) is I just hit a wall. I had a lot of other issues going on but I realized my husband wanted what he wanted and full speed ahead without regard to the reality that the kids or I were dealing with. Somewhere deep down I knew if I gave into that move that something bad was going to happen mental health wise.

I agree 100% that all you should do for now is not agree to the move and then also refuse to engage on it. I know all too well the pit in your stomach when you are walking on eggshells with someone who wants to scream you into submission. Leave the house for the night if you need to, but this is the time to stand up for yourself. Strength to you.

Thank you, this is really good advice. “Something bad will happen mental health wise” is definitely how I feel about his desired move to Florida. It’s almost 10 pm and I still haven’t got the nerve to talk to him. He’s sending the lender our information tomorrow for mortgage pre approval. What is wrong with me?? I can’t talk to my husband of 20 years about this? I am living in a fcked up marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP

There’s nothing wrong with you. A part of you is trying to protect you from being hurt. Be curious and talk to it. Tell it thank you for trying to protect you. Let it know that you’ll be ok — because you will. You have always survived his anger. You have managed to keep your sense of self despite his controlling ways. And you need to tell him, I am not going to move. I do not want to sell. If you explode at me right now I am going to a hotel. And follow through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go talk to a divorce attorney first so that you have support. Then have the convo.

Are you local? We refer clients to Rebecca Geller’s firm. https://www.thegellerlawgroup.com/

I don’t recommend the firm. I used them.

[Anonymous]

ALWAYS listen to your gut!!! You have good instincts. Sounds like it’s time to move apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have what I would describe as an unequal relationship with my husband of 20+ years. He has always been the dominant one and has pressured me a lot over the years to agree to things I didn’t want to do. These included buying an expensive house; using an inheritance I received to pay for a home remodel; and now, he is pressuring me bigtime to sell this house and move 1000 miles away.

I do NOT want to move but I’ve gone along with it because he wears me down with his arguing, pleading and guilt-inducing statements. Now we are at the point of getting ready to put the house on the market and I want to vomit. I don’t want to move. I don’t think I even want to spend the next 20 years with him. When I think of a happy future, he’s not in it.

I have to tell him tonight that I don’t want to move, and this is going to lead straight into what’s probably going to become a divorce conversation. I don’t feel ready to tell him this but I am now backed into a corner. I have no time to find a therapist where I could deliver the news in a neutral setting.

Any advice on how to stand up to him and have this conversation? I’m so anxious I can hardly breathe.

OP I am just wondering why you are assuming that your reluctance to move will lead to a “divorce conversation.” Do you want to divorce this man?

[Anonymous]

I know this feeling. I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP.

My husband is the sane way. Something in me changed a few years ago. He had taken things too far. I wish I had divorced him right then. I was afraid though, was a Sahm, had young kids and no friends or family to turn to. (Working now and planning my exit but it’s been so hard staying with him)

If you can privately get to a lawyer for a consult that would be the best thing to do right now. Plan your exit and go. Do it for you, do it for your mental health which will also affect your physical health. My physical health is where I suffered the most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP

There’s nothing wrong with you. A part of you is trying to protect you from being hurt. Be curious and talk to it. Tell it thank you for trying to protect you. Let it know that you’ll be ok — because you will. You have always survived his anger. You have managed to keep your sense of self despite his controlling ways. And you need to tell him, I am not going to move. I do not want to sell. If you explode at me right now I am going to a hotel. And follow through.

DP, This, above. And OP, be READY to follow through, like this PP notes. Have the car keys at hand, your purse ready to go, a hotel in mind, or a good friend lined up who will gladly let you stay the night. Maybe more than one night. He likely will not think you're serious when you tell him you will walk out the door so you have to follow through if he blows up.

You are telling him that not only do not want to move, you will not move, and the house sale is now moot because you and he are going to talk about the marriage instead. Expect him to react terribly.

Then be glad and grateful you do not have any children with this man, because you would be yoked to him through them.

OP, your post above about how scared you were even to talk to your husband of so many years is a very worrying post. Even if he has never physically harmed you or even threatened you physically, you sound terrified of him. Take advantage of the fact you do not have kids to factor into any decision. Take advantage of the fact you make decent money. And get the hell out before you invest any more of your time and life and income in this man and this marriage. I very, very rarely post to an OP that she should just divorce but you need at least to consider it seriously. Meanwhile, please take care not to get pregnant no matter what.

When you can, please update us. He sounds controlling and very self-focused and I wonder if you, on some deeper level, fear he could become physically abusive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go talk to a divorce attorney first so that you have support. Then have the convo.

Are you local? We refer clients to Rebecca Geller’s firm. https://www.thegellerlawgroup.com/

Call her. She's wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go talk to a divorce attorney first so that you have support. Then have the convo.

Are you local? We refer clients to Rebecca Geller’s firm. https://www.thegellerlawgroup.com/

Call her. She's wonderful.

Another recommendation for this practice. A good friend of mine worked with them when she was divorcing her abusive alcoholic husband and they stuck with her through an excruciating multi-year process. I was really impressed.