My DIL visibly cringes when I mention I saw her Facebook feed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an outlier here. I think if you put stuff up on Facebook, it’s not weird for somebody to comment on it. You put your life out there on social media to show off, share or what have you then it’s fair game for somebody to mention it.

In OP’s case just now know not to mention it again. Your DIL wants/doesn’t want the attention and that’s very immature. If your daughter-in-law does not want you seeing her posts without blocking you, she can always put you on the list were you don’t see her posts, but you remain friends.

It's not weird AT THE TIME. It's weird to bring it up later and go down list of things someone did three months ago.

NP but I agree that timing is what makes it feel strange. I don't do Facebook anymore but when I did, I posted sporadically. I'd go weeks or months without posting or even looking at it much, but then I'd go to a wedding or bachelorette party and get notifications of a bunch of photo tags and think "oh I'll post some photos too in case anyone wants to see them" and then maybe get in the habit of posting a little, and then lose interest and stop again.

An in that context, it would feel pretty weird if someone I didn't know very well would greet me with something like "oh I saw you had a nice vacation in Florida [when I was there for a friend's bachelorette]" or "wow seems like you had a great time at that wedding [of people this person doesn't know at all]." Like I get there is nothing wrong with them having seen those posts and to remember them later, but it would feel jarring and strange to have it brought up months later as though it was a significant thing in my life. When in reality, the stuff I posted on Facebook was rarely the most important stuff going on with me -- it was just the stuff I happened to do with people who posted about it to Facebook. Like being a guest at a wedding or attending someone's baby shower is fun but generally not a major highlight of my year. So being asked about it later as though it was equal to getting engaged or having a baby felt very odd.

Anyway, this is one of many reasons I just gave up on Facebook. I'm sure there's a way to use it where it isn't weird in this way but I think it just wasn't for me. Maybe OP's DIL is in the same boat and has a weird relationship with Facebook and therefore doesn't enjoy being asked about the random stuff she posts there or the random photos she's tagged in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom does this and I love my mother dearly but it does make me cringe a little bit. I don’t use fb but do use Instagram sparingly and, although I know I’m sharing the pics with my followers, the way she asks and brings up multiple posts often in conversation feels like she is studying my page and is kind of quizzing me on what is going on based on my Instagram profile rather than just asking me questions about my life directly.

Honestly, I think it’s just how different generations use social media and I don’t think it’s proof your dil hates you or doesn’t want you seeing her posts or anything like that. Maybe just cool it with the pointed questions about specific posts next time, I know it feels silly but different generations just have different norms. Imo neither of you is “wrong” and there is no reason to make a mountain out of a molehill

This is a sad post. This is a whole generation that doesn't understand human interaction. They think it happens only on social media. MIL, you are fine. Your DIL is just super immature. I am in a field where there are a variety of levels of education, expertise. I can tell you there's a correlation with the type of education, job, and maturity. It goes both ways, there are older people who don't get social media either, so it exists on both ends of the spectrum. But, in the end, it's maturity in social relationships. You ever meet that awkward person at a party(?) well, it exists on social media too. These sweethearts exist behind a screen where they are comfortable, but can't really handle F2F well. They also think they aren't really adults- only you are, and hate being dragged into the big scary world of adults. FACEBOOK is for FRIENDS, not PARENTS. There are literal commercials that gear to this mentality. Then there are older adults who are scared of social media regardless. They don't understand the changing algorithms of IG, don't worry
get reels, worry about hacking, etc. They might not have had exposure in any part of their career and don't get the whole gestalt. That's not you, OP.

You do You, OP. You are OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an outlier here. I think if you put stuff up on Facebook, it’s not weird for somebody to comment on it. You put your life out there on social media to show off, share or what have you then it’s fair game for somebody to mention it.

In OP’s case just now know not to mention it again. Your DIL wants/doesn’t want the attention and that’s very immature. If your daughter-in-law does not want you seeing her posts without blocking you, she can always put you on the list were you don’t see her posts, but you remain friends.

It's not weird AT THE TIME. It's weird to bring it up later and go down list of things someone did three months ago.

You mean I actually cannot say to my neighbor, "What a lovely christening you had for Axel Wren"

Omg.

[Anonymous]

An in that context, it would feel pretty weird if someone I didn't know very well would greet me with something like "oh I saw you had a nice vacation in Florida [when I was there for a friend's bachelorette]" or "wow seems like you had a great time at that wedding [of people this person doesn't know at all]." Like I get there is nothing wrong with them having seen those posts and to remember them later, but it would feel jarring and strange to have it brought up months later as though it was a significant thing in my life. When in reality, the stuff I posted on Facebook was rarely the most important stuff going on with me -- it was just the stuff I happened to do with people who posted about it to Facebook. Like being a guest at a wedding or attending someone's baby shower is fun but generally not a major highlight of my year. So being asked about it later as though it was equal to getting engaged or having a baby felt very odd.


Let's understand that it's perfectly ok to talk to someone about an event or experience they had, even a year ago. Yes, it is, dear.

It's ok to reference a picture or event people posted about. There's no secret club, no "what is said on FB, stays on FB." You are all mature adults, yes adults, and your parents are adults. You are now in the adult world. Not high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An in that context, it would feel pretty weird if someone I didn't know very well would greet me with something like "oh I saw you had a nice vacation in Florida [when I was there for a friend's bachelorette]" or "wow seems like you had a great time at that wedding [of people this person doesn't know at all]." Like I get there is nothing wrong with them having seen those posts and to remember them later, but it would feel jarring and strange to have it brought up months later as though it was a significant thing in my life. When in reality, the stuff I posted on Facebook was rarely the most important stuff going on with me -- it was just the stuff I happened to do with people who posted about it to Facebook. Like being a guest at a wedding or attending someone's baby shower is fun but generally not a major highlight of my year. So being asked about it later as though it was equal to getting engaged or having a baby felt very odd.


Let's understand that it's perfectly ok to talk to someone about an event or experience they had, even a year ago. Yes, it is, dear.

It's ok to reference a picture or event people posted about. There's no secret club, no "what is said on FB, stays on FB." You are all mature adults, yes adults, and your parents are adults. You are now in the adult world. Not high school.

NP. Yeah…there’s no secret club. You can talk about whatever you see on Facebook. But, kind of like how you cut and pasted and bolded PP’s comment instead of just replying to her post, it will seem odd and out of place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my read too, that you are mentioning DIL's FB feed more than certain and often.

And perhaps your comments may be getting construed asthat you are tracking her FB feed? And or critical of how she uses time, money, and/or her choice of friends?

That can open a whole other can of worms. I would take the cue to stop.

+1 sometimes it's how the question is asked and subjectively received in the broader context of the relationship. When my mom asks, it feels loaded with "why did you post this picture," in terms of whether that activity should be publicized, how everyone looks, a lot of Qs about who all reacted to it, etc. Not so much FB but other ways I share pix with extended family etc. So I sort of dread those convos and feel awkward.

Sharing bc it's all dependent on the broader relp OP has with DIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An in that context, it would feel pretty weird if someone I didn't know very well would greet me with something like "oh I saw you had a nice vacation in Florida [when I was there for a friend's bachelorette]" or "wow seems like you had a great time at that wedding [of people this person doesn't know at all]." Like I get there is nothing wrong with them having seen those posts and to remember them later, but it would feel jarring and strange to have it brought up months later as though it was a significant thing in my life. When in reality, the stuff I posted on Facebook was rarely the most important stuff going on with me -- it was just the stuff I happened to do with people who posted about it to Facebook. Like being a guest at a wedding or attending someone's baby shower is fun but generally not a major highlight of my year. So being asked about it later as though it was equal to getting engaged or having a baby felt very odd.


Let's understand that it's perfectly ok to talk to someone about an event or experience they had, even a year ago. Yes, it is, dear.

It's ok to reference a picture or event people posted about. There's no secret club, no "what is said on FB, stays on FB." You are all mature adults, yes adults, and your parents are adults. You are now in the adult world. Not high school.

All adults in your life are not equal. You have immediate family, extended family, DH’s family, HS/college friends, work friends, mom friends, neighbors, acquaintances, BFFs. There are different topics, societal norms, and boundaries around those different relationships. IRL you wouldn’t be sharing the same info with every adult. It’s hard to target info for appropriate groups on FB so people need to gauge what is relevant to them.

For example, when my neighbor posts about a funny college experience to reminisce with college friends it’d be a little weird for me to bring it up with them months later out of context. But if my neighbor posted something funny that happened at salon where we both get our hair done, it wouldn’t be weird at all.

Basically, OP needs to stay in her lane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An in that context, it would feel pretty weird if someone I didn't know very well would greet me with something like "oh I saw you had a nice vacation in Florida [when I was there for a friend's bachelorette]" or "wow seems like you had a great time at that wedding [of people this person doesn't know at all]." Like I get there is nothing wrong with them having seen those posts and to remember them later, but it would feel jarring and strange to have it brought up months later as though it was a significant thing in my life. When in reality, the stuff I posted on Facebook was rarely the most important stuff going on with me -- it was just the stuff I happened to do with people who posted about it to Facebook. Like being a guest at a wedding or attending someone's baby shower is fun but generally not a major highlight of my year. So being asked about it later as though it was equal to getting engaged or having a baby felt very odd.


Let's understand that it's perfectly ok to talk to someone about an event or experience they had, even a year ago. Yes, it is, dear.

It's ok to reference a picture or event people posted about. There's no secret club, no "what is said on FB, stays on FB." You are all mature adults, yes adults, and your parents are adults. You are now in the adult world. Not high school.

NP. Yeah…there’s no secret club. You can talk about whatever you see on Facebook. But, kind of like how you cut and pasted and bolded PP’s comment instead of just replying to her post, it will seem odd and out of place.

Do you want me to teach you how to do that? I'd be happy to, because it's good to use when one is replying to a specific part of the text, not the whole response. The bold highlights that is was a previous response with out having to eliminate text, or highlight within a text box. That focuses the conversation. This is simple actual online thread etiquette that you seem to be unaware of considering this is an entire post of made up rules, not actual rules. Again, we aren't in middle school. It does seem odd, I imagine to a 12 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An in that context, it would feel pretty weird if someone I didn't know very well would greet me with something like "oh I saw you had a nice vacation in Florida [when I was there for a friend's bachelorette]" or "wow seems like you had a great time at that wedding [of people this person doesn't know at all]." Like I get there is nothing wrong with them having seen those posts and to remember them later, but it would feel jarring and strange to have it brought up months later as though it was a significant thing in my life. When in reality, the stuff I posted on Facebook was rarely the most important stuff going on with me -- it was just the stuff I happened to do with people who posted about it to Facebook. Like being a guest at a wedding or attending someone's baby shower is fun but generally not a major highlight of my year. So being asked about it later as though it was equal to getting engaged or having a baby felt very odd.


Let's understand that it's perfectly ok to talk to someone about an event or experience they had, even a year ago. Yes, it is, dear.

It's ok to reference a picture or event people posted about. There's no secret club, no "what is said on FB, stays on FB." You are all mature adults, yes adults, and your parents are adults. You are now in the adult world. Not high school.

All adults in your life are not equal. You have immediate family, extended family, DH’s family, HS/college friends, work friends, mom friends, neighbors, acquaintances, BFFs. There are different topics, societal norms, and boundaries around those different relationships. IRL you wouldn’t be sharing the same info with every adult. It’s hard to target info for appropriate groups on FB so people need to gauge what is relevant to them.

For example, when my neighbor posts about a funny college experience to reminisce with college friends it’d be a little weird for me to bring it up with them months later out of context. But if my neighbor posted something funny that happened at salon where we both get our hair done, it wouldn’t be weird at all.

Basically, OP needs to stay in her lane.

Then learn how to group your friend list. It's that simple. Both FB and IG have these resources. Secondarily, just about everything you post has the potential to be public. Ask ANY HR personnel. Ask me, I can find anything! Lastly, use your networks as a public newspaper, not your therapy journal. That's just common sense.

This is just ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And this is why I refuse to accept any friend requests from my MIL and her generation. Sorry, social media is for me and my friends and not to deal with any IL drama.

This is hysterical. And frightening, though. Can you literally be old enough to marry? What?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t like that you follow her but doesn’t have the balls to block you.

This. She isn't "embarrassed" to be posting on FB, as there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Trying to start awkwardly start conversations in person about someone's feed, though....

Yes, God forbid this woman try to connect with her child's partner. /s

Why be so judgmental of someone trying to be nice?

NP. Why can’t she just ask what she’s been up to, like a normal person? I agree that it’s odd to bring up multiple things “you saw she had been doing” from fb posts.

There is more than one way to start a conversation.

Try mentioning it once. It wasn't received well. OP then needs to try a new way to connect. I really hate when people I felt obligated to accept as FB friends mentions my feed.

I am guessing this poster who is defending OP is, actually, the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t like that you follow her but doesn’t have the balls to block you.

This. She isn't "embarrassed" to be posting on FB, as there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Trying to start awkwardly start conversations in person about someone's feed, though....

Yes, God forbid this woman try to connect with her child's partner. /s

Why be so judgmental of someone trying to be nice?

NP. Why can’t she just ask what she’s been up to, like a normal person? I agree that it’s odd to bring up multiple things “you saw she had been doing” from fb posts.

There is more than one way to start a conversation.

Try mentioning it once. It wasn't received well. OP then needs to try a new way to connect. I really hate when people I felt obligated to accept as FB friends mentions my feed.

I am guessing this poster who is defending OP is, actually, the OP.

I am not the OP, I don't even have a daughter in law. But I do hire a lot of people and I gotta say, sorry, there are many millennials that really need to get a grip. Thankfully, not ALL, but many of you all are having so much trouble navigating interactions, which should be pretty easy. You can't really be in the gestalt of TikTok and IG culture and monetizing, (regardless of whether you are on the producing end or viewing end) where people literally make money just dressing their kids in all the same outfits with a Harry Style's single playing in the background, or by redoing everything in their house all the time in shiplap- and then have a big problem and freak out when your mother in law asks," I love little Piper Leif's little wool coat that I saw on your post." Come on, grow the F up.

You all live on each other's social media despite protestations otherwise. We all see it. If you look UP every once in awhile, you guys might remember how to talk to people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An in that context, it would feel pretty weird if someone I didn't know very well would greet me with something like "oh I saw you had a nice vacation in Florida [when I was there for a friend's bachelorette]" or "wow seems like you had a great time at that wedding [of people this person doesn't know at all]." Like I get there is nothing wrong with them having seen those posts and to remember them later, but it would feel jarring and strange to have it brought up months later as though it was a significant thing in my life. When in reality, the stuff I posted on Facebook was rarely the most important stuff going on with me -- it was just the stuff I happened to do with people who posted about it to Facebook. Like being a guest at a wedding or attending someone's baby shower is fun but generally not a major highlight of my year. So being asked about it later as though it was equal to getting engaged or having a baby felt very odd.


Let's understand that it's perfectly ok to talk to someone about an event or experience they had, even a year ago. Yes, it is, dear.

It's ok to reference a picture or event people posted about. There's no secret club, no "what is said on FB, stays on FB." You are all mature adults, yes adults, and your parents are adults. You are now in the adult world. Not high school.

NP. Yeah…there’s no secret club. You can talk about whatever you see on Facebook. But, kind of like how you cut and pasted and bolded PP’s comment instead of just replying to her post, it will seem odd and out of place.

Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t like that you follow her but doesn’t have the balls to block you.

This. She isn't "embarrassed" to be posting on FB, as there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Trying to start awkwardly start conversations in person about someone's feed, though....

Yes, God forbid this woman try to connect with her child's partner. /s

Why be so judgmental of someone trying to be nice?

NP. Why can’t she just ask what she’s been up to, like a normal person? I agree that it’s odd to bring up multiple things “you saw she had been doing” from fb posts.

There is more than one way to start a conversation.

Try mentioning it once. It wasn't received well. OP then needs to try a new way to connect. I really hate when people I felt obligated to accept as FB friends mentions my feed.

I am guessing this poster who is defending OP is, actually, the OP.

I am not the OP, I don't even have a daughter in law. But I do hire a lot of people and I gotta say, sorry, there are many millennials that really need to get a grip. Thankfully, not ALL, but many of you all are having so much trouble navigating interactions, which should be pretty easy. You can't really be in the gestalt of TikTok and IG culture and monetizing, (regardless of whether you are on the producing end or viewing end) where people literally make money just dressing their kids in all the same outfits with a Harry Style's single playing in the background, or by redoing everything in their house all the time in shiplap- and then have a big problem and freak out when your mother in law asks," I love little Piper Leif's little wool coat that I saw on your post." Come on, grow the F up.

You all live on each other's social media despite protestations otherwise. We all see it. If you look UP every once in awhile, you guys might remember how to talk to people.

I think what you are not understanding is that OP was the one focusing the conversation on social media. Instead of starting up a natural conversation she apparently kept referencing posts online, despite noticing that it made dil cringe. In general, it is best to avoid conversation that you can tell us making the other person uncomfortable. And, while there is no “rule” that you can’t reference fb posts an entire conversation structured around the other persons online posts is awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t like that you follow her but doesn’t have the balls to block you.

This. She isn't "embarrassed" to be posting on FB, as there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Trying to start awkwardly start conversations in person about someone's feed, though....

Yes, God forbid this woman try to connect with her child's partner. /s

Why be so judgmental of someone trying to be nice?

NP. Why can’t she just ask what she’s been up to, like a normal person? I agree that it’s odd to bring up multiple things “you saw she had been doing” from fb posts.

There is more than one way to start a conversation.

Try mentioning it once. It wasn't received well. OP then needs to try a new way to connect. I really hate when people I felt obligated to accept as FB friends mentions my feed.

I am guessing this poster who is defending OP is, actually, the OP.

I am not the OP, I don't even have a daughter in law. But I do hire a lot of people and I gotta say, sorry, there are many millennials that really need to get a grip. Thankfully, not ALL, but many of you all are having so much trouble navigating interactions, which should be pretty easy. You can't really be in the gestalt of TikTok and IG culture and monetizing, (regardless of whether you are on the producing end or viewing end) where people literally make money just dressing their kids in all the same outfits with a Harry Style's single playing in the background, or by redoing everything in their house all the time in shiplap- and then have a big problem and freak out when your mother in law asks," I love little Piper Leif's little wool coat that I saw on your post." Come on, grow the F up.

You all live on each other's social media despite protestations otherwise. We all see it. If you look UP every once in awhile, you guys might remember how to talk to people.

I think what you are not understanding is that OP was the one focusing the conversation on social media. Instead of starting up a natural conversation she apparently kept referencing posts online, despite noticing that it made dil cringe. In general, it is best to avoid conversation that you can tell us making the other person uncomfortable. And, while there is no “rule” that you can’t reference fb posts an entire conversation structured around the other persons online posts is awkward.

Here's what everyone didn't get. MIL is trying to actually talk to her DIL, which apparently is pretty hard. So, she brought up things she can talk to her about. It's clear they don't have a relationship where this DIL talks about her life with this crew, she just comes over under obligation. So here's MIL trying to talk about hiking or her friends, trying to find to find something that is interesting to DIL. Seeing that none of the topics were cringeworthy, and MIL said things like "Hey, Amber, that was a tough hike last Saturday, good for you. It makes me look lazy! Lol!" Or, that was a fun party, are these friends from work?"

I can see there would be a problem if MIL said " Wow, you looked pretty drunk Sat night, Amber." Or, I notice that guy in all these pictures always touching you..." then, yes, that's a problem. But we know this isn't about FB or any social media. This is an awkward, insecure, introverted girl who has an issue having any conversation with people. I'm on Team MIL. Sorry. She sounds like she's trying, at least. There's plenty of MILs that are complaint-worthy all over DCUM. She's finding common ground, that's it. And, no, I again, am not OP. I really have taken the time to read *most* of the responses and they are pretty disheartening, and quite sad.