My DIL visibly cringes when I mention I saw her Facebook feed

[Anonymous]

I cringe when a friend mentions something she saw in my comment on fb. Can’t explain, I think it’s just bad form to mention it, like a mild form of stalking. Also fb belongs on fb and not in off fb conversation
It’s ok to ask smth like “I saw this cool place you went to, where is it and do you recommend?” But not some vague creepy a** observations like “I noticed you posting about your mom a lot lately”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you just ask her what’s new, how she is, and listen to what she’s willing to share with you. She likely accepted your Friend request to be polite, but doesn’t see you as a peer, and doesn’t love that you are not only reading her posts, but….keeping track of them.

Just ask how she is and see what she wants to share with you, personally. Revealing that you read her every post and remember them is a little much.

Facebook has privacy settings. If she doesn’t like a person whose friend request she accepted reading them, she should use them.

-a DIL, not a MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re fine, OP, except she doesn’t like that you follow her thread for whatever reason. Maybe she feels inhibited because she might normally post funny memes about dildos or celebrity crushes and now can’t. Or maybe she just wishes it was a zone of personal privacy or whatever. It may not be about you specifically at all. So I would make sure my conversation with her does not include reference to any thing on FB. When you’re talking to her, keep away from FB.

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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people post pictures on Facebook? Do they not value privacy? Is their life so fantastic that they think others want to see the pics? Do they not own a photo album?

A photo album? LOL. So that it can be tossed when you die?

WTF? No one is saving your Facebook feed as an heirloom after you die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you just ask her what’s new, how she is, and listen to what she’s willing to share with you. She likely accepted your Friend request to be polite, but doesn’t see you as a peer, and doesn’t love that you are not only reading her posts, but….keeping track of them.

Just ask how she is and see what she wants to share with you, personally. Revealing that you read her every post and remember them is a little much.

+1
You said you did it a “few times”. Why keep asking if she visibly cringes?

Can you answer this question, OP? It’s very basic manners to not continue behaving in a way you know makes someone uncomfortable. Other posters have explained the reasons why your DIL dislikes this particular line of questioning.

OP here. Because there’s nothing wrong with asking about something she’s put out there publicly! Perhaps if she doesn’t want it to be a topic of conversation, she should not put it online.

My god, you sound like the worst MIL ever. Judgmental and always has to get the last word in. You’re the worst.

DP. You are projecting. There are plenty of threads in the family forum that reflect “the worst.” This is not one of them.

An argumentative MIL who can’t accept she’s wrong is pretty high up there on the worst scale. Just sayin’…

Adults who use “just sayin’” are pretty high up there on the worst scale. Right up there with “sorry not sorry.” Are you 12?

[Anonymous]

I visibly cringe when people mention certain Facebook posts because of the profile photos of the people who have responded. Let’s just say that some of my high school friends and cousins are less conservative than I am in their social media presence and aren’t always PG in their profiles. So I am cringing because I am imagining my great aunt trying to figure out those profile pics and how I know those people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An in that context, it would feel pretty weird if someone I didn't know very well would greet me with something like "oh I saw you had a nice vacation in Florida [when I was there for a friend's bachelorette]" or "wow seems like you had a great time at that wedding [of people this person doesn't know at all]." Like I get there is nothing wrong with them having seen those posts and to remember them later, but it would feel jarring and strange to have it brought up months later as though it was a significant thing in my life. When in reality, the stuff I posted on Facebook was rarely the most important stuff going on with me -- it was just the stuff I happened to do with people who posted about it to Facebook. Like being a guest at a wedding or attending someone's baby shower is fun but generally not a major highlight of my year. So being asked about it later as though it was equal to getting engaged or having a baby felt very odd.


Let's understand that it's perfectly ok to talk to someone about an event or experience they had, even a year ago. Yes, it is, dear.

It's ok to reference a picture or event people posted about. There's no secret club, no "what is said on FB, stays on FB." You are all mature adults, yes adults, and your parents are adults. You are now in the adult world. Not high school.

All adults in your life are not equal. You have immediate family, extended family, DH’s family, HS/college friends, work friends, mom friends, neighbors, acquaintances, BFFs. There are different topics, societal norms, and boundaries around those different relationships. IRL you wouldn’t be sharing the same info with every adult. It’s hard to target info for appropriate groups on FB so people need to gauge what is relevant to them.

For example, when my neighbor posts about a funny college experience to reminisce with college friends it’d be a little weird for me to bring it up with them months later out of context. But if my neighbor posted something funny that happened at salon where we both get our hair done, it wouldn’t be weird at all.

Basically, OP needs to stay in her lane.

Then learn how to group your friend list. It's that simple. Both FB and IG have these resources. Secondarily, just about everything you post has the potential to be public. Ask ANY HR personnel. Ask me, I can find anything! Lastly, use your networks as a public newspaper, not your therapy journal. That's just common sense.

This is just ridiculous.

I do use groups in general. Acquaintances don’t see much. But I don’t get down to the granular level of picking who exactly can see each post. I don’t post anything that I wouldn’t mind being public. I actually very rarely post anything anywhere anymore, but I never used it as a “therapy journal”.

Anyway, it’s more nuanced than that. It’s understanding context and boundaries about you fit into other people’ lives.

Given how you’re making assumptions and generalizations about generations of people in this thread might be an indication that you also struggle with context and boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cringe when a friend mentions something she saw in my comment on fb. Can’t explain, I think it’s just bad form to mention it, like a mild form of stalking. Also fb belongs on fb and not in off fb conversation
It’s ok to ask smth like “I saw this cool place you went to, where is it and do you recommend?” But not some vague creepy a** observations like “I noticed you posting about your mom a lot lately”

I know what you mean.

I think DIL is being rude to the OP. On the other hand, she's also giving an obvious social cue, so OP should chat about things other than what's on her FB feed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An in that context, it would feel pretty weird if someone I didn't know very well would greet me with something like "oh I saw you had a nice vacation in Florida [when I was there for a friend's bachelorette]" or "wow seems like you had a great time at that wedding [of people this person doesn't know at all]." Like I get there is nothing wrong with them having seen those posts and to remember them later, but it would feel jarring and strange to have it brought up months later as though it was a significant thing in my life. When in reality, the stuff I posted on Facebook was rarely the most important stuff going on with me -- it was just the stuff I happened to do with people who posted about it to Facebook. Like being a guest at a wedding or attending someone's baby shower is fun but generally not a major highlight of my year. So being asked about it later as though it was equal to getting engaged or having a baby felt very odd.


Let's understand that it's perfectly ok to talk to someone about an event or experience they had, even a year ago. Yes, it is, dear.

It's ok to reference a picture or event people posted about. There's no secret club, no "what is said on FB, stays on FB." You are all mature adults, yes adults, and your parents are adults. You are now in the adult world. Not high school.

All adults in your life are not equal. You have immediate family, extended family, DH’s family, HS/college friends, work friends, mom friends, neighbors, acquaintances, BFFs. There are different topics, societal norms, and boundaries around those different relationships. IRL you wouldn’t be sharing the same info with every adult. It’s hard to target info for appropriate groups on FB so people need to gauge what is relevant to them.

For example, when my neighbor posts about a funny college experience to reminisce with college friends it’d be a little weird for me to bring it up with them months later out of context. But if my neighbor posted something funny that happened at salon where we both get our hair done, it wouldn’t be weird at all.

Basically, OP needs to stay in her lane.

+1

Everything you might happen to know about a person is not really fair game for conversation. You have to think a little about whether the subject will be something they want to discuss. You also have to read cues. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with bringing up a FB post once or twice, but if you e noticed, as OP did, that the person clearly feels uncomfortable discussing it, then you should stop mentioning it. In the same way that if your son visibly cringed every time you asked about his job, or your neighbor seemed uncomfortable every time you brought up another neighbor. Read the room.

It’s weird to me this thread is dividing along generational lines with the older generations on the thread concluding “No, it’s online, it’s fair game for discussion, get over it.” I normally expect older people to have a stronger sense of appropriateness, and expect younger people to have a harder time with this due to both inexperience and a youthful belief that the rules are different for them. It’s interesting this thread is the opposite.

If you posed this question to Emily Post or any manners expert, they would tell you the same thing: do not raise subjects that make the other person visibly uncomfortable, and do not demand reasons for why someone might not want to discuss a subject with you in a social setting. Conversations are not inquisitions. If looking for appropriate topics of conversation, ask more open ended questions that will allow the person to steer the conversation towards topics with which they are comfortable (“Have you enjoyed any recent travel?” as opposed to “I saw on FB you went to Miami with some girlfriends, tell me about that”). Or relate stories or anecdotes from your own life that might encourage them to share as well— often sharing and being vulnerable yourself can make it more comfortable for the other person to do the same.

I’m sorry, but OP and those defending her actions here simply sound rude and incapable of understanding that a conversation with another person should take their topic preferences into account. This really isn’t even a social media question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An in that context, it would feel pretty weird if someone I didn't know very well would greet me with something like "oh I saw you had a nice vacation in Florida [when I was there for a friend's bachelorette]" or "wow seems like you had a great time at that wedding [of people this person doesn't know at all]." Like I get there is nothing wrong with them having seen those posts and to remember them later, but it would feel jarring and strange to have it brought up months later as though it was a significant thing in my life. When in reality, the stuff I posted on Facebook was rarely the most important stuff going on with me -- it was just the stuff I happened to do with people who posted about it to Facebook. Like being a guest at a wedding or attending someone's baby shower is fun but generally not a major highlight of my year. So being asked about it later as though it was equal to getting engaged or having a baby felt very odd.


Let's understand that it's perfectly ok to talk to someone about an event or experience they had, even a year ago. Yes, it is, dear.

It's ok to reference a picture or event people posted about. There's no secret club, no "what is said on FB, stays on FB." You are all mature adults, yes adults, and your parents are adults. You are now in the adult world. Not high school.

All adults in your life are not equal. You have immediate family, extended family, DH’s family, HS/college friends, work friends, mom friends, neighbors, acquaintances, BFFs. There are different topics, societal norms, and boundaries around those different relationships. IRL you wouldn’t be sharing the same info with every adult. It’s hard to target info for appropriate groups on FB so people need to gauge what is relevant to them.

For example, when my neighbor posts about a funny college experience to reminisce with college friends it’d be a little weird for me to bring it up with them months later out of context. But if my neighbor posted something funny that happened at salon where we both get our hair done, it wouldn’t be weird at all.

Basically, OP needs to stay in her lane.

Then learn how to group your friend list. It's that simple. Both FB and IG have these resources. Secondarily, just about everything you post has the potential to be public. Ask ANY HR personnel. Ask me, I can find anything! Lastly, use your networks as a public newspaper, not your therapy journal. That's just common sense.

This is just ridiculous.

I do use groups in general. Acquaintances don’t see much. But I don’t get down to the granular level of picking who exactly can see each post. I don’t post anything that I wouldn’t mind being public. I actually very rarely post anything anywhere anymore, but I never used it as a “therapy journal”.

Anyway, it’s more nuanced than that. It’s understanding context and boundaries about you fit into other people’ lives.

Given how you’re making assumptions and generalizations about generations of people in this thread might be an indication that you also struggle with context and boundaries.

Not at all. I literally engage in a field that engages in the nuance if interpersonal relationships, and I am very good at what I do. People come to me for advice. And...you could use some.

Bottom line, grow up. Just grow up. An example of this is your presumptions- nothing was ever said in OP's post about the content. Nothing was ever said about MIL doing it repeatedly. There was this one occasion, maybe another where MIL noticed this DIL "cringes" when she references anything this DIL posted. So she came here to ask why. This is followed by an enormous amount of assumption about tone, purpose, boundaries, including MY OWN boundaries, which is hysterical. I believe the word "stalking" was even suggested.


A lot of mainstream use of social media, particularly FB, started when millennials were teens, and it would appear that the functionality, or any form of communication, just hasn't generalized into their adult world. In fact, engaging, interacting, and communicating is still hard for a lot of this group. This is why you all are now all on Snapchat.

If you don't believe me, consider the term "adulting." Consider the commercials- even industry has picked up on this and has used it to sell insurance. You are literally being parodied, and still don't get it. Another fun fact- the " baby voice." This is an actual phenomenon of the this generation, and probably Z, now, where the inflection, tone, delivery, and dialect sounds like a young teen. There's been a ton written on this. This is one one of a lot of literature, but ask any HR person, they will explain.
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2019/05/why-young-adults-are-talking-like-3-year-olds/586000/


I have to say, while this is overwhelmingly true, I work with a lot of people in all generational segments, and there are fully together millennials. They look like Pete Buttigieig or Yamiche Alcindor, as examples. Can you imagine them "cringing" over a FB question? In my own neighborhood, women of all generations, age 27 to 75, interact on FB for political and social reasons, these group aren't drawing boundary lines, and yes, everyone is on everyone's page. These are people who gave up generational expectations of themselves and others, fully entered the work force as an adult, and don't compare everyone to their mother. They haven't established invisible social boundaries.

This DIL is socially awkward at least, or just hasn't grown up, or she hates her ILs. There is no social media issue here. It's a personality thing.

Because you are who you are, you'll want the last word. I'm out though, so it's wasted on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An in that context, it would feel pretty weird if someone I didn't know very well would greet me with something like "oh I saw you had a nice vacation in Florida [when I was there for a friend's bachelorette]" or "wow seems like you had a great time at that wedding [of people this person doesn't know at all]." Like I get there is nothing wrong with them having seen those posts and to remember them later, but it would feel jarring and strange to have it brought up months later as though it was a significant thing in my life. When in reality, the stuff I posted on Facebook was rarely the most important stuff going on with me -- it was just the stuff I happened to do with people who posted about it to Facebook. Like being a guest at a wedding or attending someone's baby shower is fun but generally not a major highlight of my year. So being asked about it later as though it was equal to getting engaged or having a baby felt very odd.


Let's understand that it's perfectly ok to talk to someone about an event or experience they had, even a year ago. Yes, it is, dear.

It's ok to reference a picture or event people posted about. There's no secret club, no "what is said on FB, stays on FB." You are all mature adults, yes adults, and your parents are adults. You are now in the adult world. Not high school.

NP. Yeah…there’s no secret club. You can talk about whatever you see on Facebook. But, kind of like how you cut and pasted and bolded PP’s comment instead of just replying to her post, it will seem odd and out of place.

Do you want me to teach you how to do that? I'd be happy to, because it's good to use when one is replying to a specific part of the text, not the whole response. The bold highlights that is was a previous response with out having to eliminate text, or highlight within a text box. That focuses the conversation. This is simple actual online thread etiquette that you seem to be unaware of considering this is an entire post of made up rules, not actual rules. Again, we aren't in middle school. It does seem odd, I imagine to a 12 year old.

Teach me how to cut and paste a response instead of simply replying to a comment? Nah, I’m good. But if need any pointers about writing long, weirdly defensive screeds about FB I’ll be sure to let you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An in that context, it would feel pretty weird if someone I didn't know very well would greet me with something like "oh I saw you had a nice vacation in Florida [when I was there for a friend's bachelorette]" or "wow seems like you had a great time at that wedding [of people this person doesn't know at all]." Like I get there is nothing wrong with them having seen those posts and to remember them later, but it would feel jarring and strange to have it brought up months later as though it was a significant thing in my life. When in reality, the stuff I posted on Facebook was rarely the most important stuff going on with me -- it was just the stuff I happened to do with people who posted about it to Facebook. Like being a guest at a wedding or attending someone's baby shower is fun but generally not a major highlight of my year. So being asked about it later as though it was equal to getting engaged or having a baby felt very odd.


Let's understand that it's perfectly ok to talk to someone about an event or experience they had, even a year ago. Yes, it is, dear.

It's ok to reference a picture or event people posted about. There's no secret club, no "what is said on FB, stays on FB." You are all mature adults, yes adults, and your parents are adults. You are now in the adult world. Not high school.

Ugh. HR person sounds the worst about social cues. Mature adults don't say "yes, it is, dear."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An in that context, it would feel pretty weird if someone I didn't know very well would greet me with something like "oh I saw you had a nice vacation in Florida [when I was there for a friend's bachelorette]" or "wow seems like you had a great time at that wedding [of people this person doesn't know at all]." Like I get there is nothing wrong with them having seen those posts and to remember them later, but it would feel jarring and strange to have it brought up months later as though it was a significant thing in my life. When in reality, the stuff I posted on Facebook was rarely the most important stuff going on with me -- it was just the stuff I happened to do with people who posted about it to Facebook. Like being a guest at a wedding or attending someone's baby shower is fun but generally not a major highlight of my year. So being asked about it later as though it was equal to getting engaged or having a baby felt very odd.


Let's understand that it's perfectly ok to talk to someone about an event or experience they had, even a year ago. Yes, it is, dear.

It's ok to reference a picture or event people posted about. There's no secret club, no "what is said on FB, stays on FB." You are all mature adults, yes adults, and your parents are adults. You are now in the adult world. Not high school.

Ugh. HR person sounds the worst about social cues. Mature adults don't say "yes, it is, dear."

+1

That person works in HR. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An in that context, it would feel pretty weird if someone I didn't know very well would greet me with something like "oh I saw you had a nice vacation in Florida [when I was there for a friend's bachelorette]" or "wow seems like you had a great time at that wedding [of people this person doesn't know at all]." Like I get there is nothing wrong with them having seen those posts and to remember them later, but it would feel jarring and strange to have it brought up months later as though it was a significant thing in my life. When in reality, the stuff I posted on Facebook was rarely the most important stuff going on with me -- it was just the stuff I happened to do with people who posted about it to Facebook. Like being a guest at a wedding or attending someone's baby shower is fun but generally not a major highlight of my year. So being asked about it later as though it was equal to getting engaged or having a baby felt very odd.


Let's understand that it's perfectly ok to talk to someone about an event or experience they had, even a year ago. Yes, it is, dear.

It's ok to reference a picture or event people posted about. There's no secret club, no "what is said on FB, stays on FB." You are all mature adults, yes adults, and your parents are adults. You are now in the adult world. Not high school.

All adults in your life are not equal. You have immediate family, extended family, DH’s family, HS/college friends, work friends, mom friends, neighbors, acquaintances, BFFs. There are different topics, societal norms, and boundaries around those different relationships. IRL you wouldn’t be sharing the same info with every adult. It’s hard to target info for appropriate groups on FB so people need to gauge what is relevant to them.

For example, when my neighbor posts about a funny college experience to reminisce with college friends it’d be a little weird for me to bring it up with them months later out of context. But if my neighbor posted something funny that happened at salon where we both get our hair done, it wouldn’t be weird at all.

Basically, OP needs to stay in her lane.

Then learn how to group your friend list. It's that simple. Both FB and IG have these resources. Secondarily, just about everything you post has the potential to be public. Ask ANY HR personnel. Ask me, I can find anything! Lastly, use your networks as a public newspaper, not your therapy journal. That's just common sense.

This is just ridiculous.

I do use groups in general. Acquaintances don’t see much. But I don’t get down to the granular level of picking who exactly can see each post. I don’t post anything that I wouldn’t mind being public. I actually very rarely post anything anywhere anymore, but I never used it as a “therapy journal”.

Anyway, it’s more nuanced than that. It’s understanding context and boundaries about you fit into other people’ lives.

Given how you’re making assumptions and generalizations about generations of people in this thread might be an indication that you also struggle with context and boundaries.

Not at all. I literally engage in a field that engages in the nuance if interpersonal relationships, and I am very good at what I do. People come to me for advice. And...you could use some.

Bottom line, grow up. Just grow up. An example of this is your presumptions- nothing was ever said in OP's post about the content. Nothing was ever said about MIL doing it repeatedly. There was this one occasion, maybe another where MIL noticed this DIL "cringes" when she references anything this DIL posted. So she came here to ask why. This is followed by an enormous amount of assumption about tone, purpose, boundaries, including MY OWN boundaries, which is hysterical. I believe the word "stalking" was even suggested.


A lot of mainstream use of social media, particularly FB, started when millennials were teens, and it would appear that the functionality, or any form of communication, just hasn't generalized into their adult world. In fact, engaging, interacting, and communicating is still hard for a lot of this group. This is why you all are now all on Snapchat.

If you don't believe me, consider the term "adulting." Consider the commercials- even industry has picked up on this and has used it to sell insurance. You are literally being parodied, and still don't get it. Another fun fact- the " baby voice." This is an actual phenomenon of the this generation, and probably Z, now, where the inflection, tone, delivery, and dialect sounds like a young teen. There's been a ton written on this. This is one one of a lot of literature, but ask any HR person, they will explain.
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2019/05/why-young-adults-are-talking-like-3-year-olds/586000/


I have to say, while this is overwhelmingly true, I work with a lot of people in all generational segments, and there are fully together millennials. They look like Pete Buttigieig or Yamiche Alcindor, as examples. Can you imagine them "cringing" over a FB question? In my own neighborhood, women of all generations, age 27 to 75, interact on FB for political and social reasons, these group aren't drawing boundary lines, and yes, everyone is on everyone's page. These are people who gave up generational expectations of themselves and others, fully entered the work force as an adult, and don't compare everyone to their mother. They haven't established invisible social boundaries.

This DIL is socially awkward at least, or just hasn't grown up, or she hates her ILs. There is no social media issue here. It's a personality thing.

Because you are who you are, you'll want the last word. I'm out though, so it's wasted on me.

1. I didn’t say anything about the content of the posts or OP’s frequency. Maybe you are confusing posters?
2. That said, OP did share the content and said it happened multiple times.
3. OP is the MIL, not a hiking buddy or travel friend. It’s creepy to make comments outside your “lane”. If you don’t understand that then you’re lacking nuanced social skills.
4. Why are you assuming I’m a millennial?
5. Weird off-topic rant about millennials? Ok…
6. The DIL is fine. OP needs to find other non-creepy ways of starting conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cringe when a friend mentions something she saw in my comment on fb. Can’t explain, I think it’s just bad form to mention it, like a mild form of stalking. Also fb belongs on fb and not in off fb conversation
It’s ok to ask smth like “I saw this cool place you went to, where is it and do you recommend?” But not some vague creepy a** observations like “I noticed you posting about your mom a lot lately”

I know what you mean.

I think DIL is being rude to the OP. On the other hand, she's also giving an obvious social cue, so OP should chat about things other than what's on her FB feed.

Exactly! It’s rude to cringe but it’s better than to give no cue at all and then suddenly it all blows up