My DIL visibly cringes when I mention I saw her Facebook feed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you just ask her what’s new, how she is, and listen to what she’s willing to share with you. She likely accepted your Friend request to be polite, but doesn’t see you as a peer, and doesn’t love that you are not only reading her posts, but….keeping track of them.

Just ask how she is and see what she wants to share with you, personally. Revealing that you read her every post and remember them is a little much.

I do think it is odd that you seem to be using FB to moderate or curate your relationship with her.
Just talk like you did before social media. “What did you guys do for Halloween” “ I like your new curtains.” Etc

But what if you knew what she did for Halloween , etc., because that was what was on FB? All that is off limits? Good lord, I agree with all the other posters on Mom 's side. Get a grip.

You agree that one should press a point over and over again even if the person you are allegedly trying to have a conversation with visibly cringes every time you bring up a certain topic? Are you unable to read social cues? Do you have some type of disorder, or are your intentions just to make someone uncomfortable? Because if I ever seem to hit a sore spot in a conversation, I move the conversation in another direction; I don’t use the same tactic over and over again if it appears to be unsettling.

Ok, crazy one- that's not what OP said. She said : . I mentioned a few times that it looked like she had a nice get-together with friends recently, or that it looks like she enjoys hiking, or a few other things from her Facebook posts.

That goes like this:
Oh, looks like you had a great hiking trip!

Jessica, your friend, is looking good. What's new with her?

My friend also went to that antique store,( movie, restaurant, corn maze, )

It's called topics to talk about. WTF. I have a had a conversation pretty much every day this week regarding something in social media, mine or theirs, and I haven't bristled at one comment, because- why would I? My new dog, my trip to the Van Gogh Experience, a restaurant, and a family event. I have zero problem with anyone, my MIL, SIL, my neighbor, or anyone asking me about anything. I am not 14. Just stop enabling dumb behavior.

No, it’s not called “topics to talk about.” The topic each time that this particular OP brought up several times—enough for her, herself, to actually notice that this was what was making her DIL uncomfortable, and post about it—was “things I notice on your Facebook feed.”

Do you get it, that even OP herself put together that this dynamic was making DIL uncomfortable, and instead of changing tactics and saying something like, “have you read any good books lately,” or “can I tell you about the Van Gogh Experience I went to,” she kept hitting the same note related to social media, and expected a different reaction?

You, like DIL, might just be super young, or socially awkward,
and/ or introverted-and I'm quite sure this is having an impact in your life, whether you are aware (probably not!) or not. Regardless, MIL is just fine-and kudos to her for making that effort, being active on sm, talking about relevant things. It's plus +, she can talk to me anytime. Yeah, it really is Ok. And there really is no need to keep coming back with the same argument, and it looks like you've been active for awhile here, after doing a quick check. This is very 14 years old of you, but, maybe
you are 14! Who knows? Social media isn't a little secret world. Enough already.

Actually? It’s not OK. Would I be wrong for trying to engage my ADHD niece in conversation? No. Would I be wrong for pressing her over and over when she’s giving out signals that she doesn’t want to engage? Yes.

Would I be wrong to offer condolences to a colleague who just lost a spouse? No. Would I be wrong to continue on that subject, asking questions or offering platitudes, when it is clear that they would rather move on? Yes. I would be wrong.

There’s a lot of ways to not be “wrong” but still have an awareness, still be able to read the room, and move on if someone seems uncomfortable. The fact that you don’t seem to grasp that shows how very immature you are (no matter your age), and how you fail to grasp the basics of social cues. I’m willing to bet you embarrass yourself without realizing it quite often.

Not even similar, relevant, or parallel. This refers to an observation in one conversation, with a pattern developing after a "few" instances. By the time party one saw what she thought might have been a reaction in party 2, but wasn't sure, felt sure after the third question, and then stopped and decided to ask others (here) if there was even a reason for this, and there really isn't a reason, hence the question. Secondly, there weren't any touchy or sensitive, or inconsiderate subjects which would normally elicit a negative response.

In your example, the ADHD child has a known sensory issue and is a child, the colleague who lost a spouse becomes upset for an OBVIOUS reason, a valid obvious reason, and it's clear she isn't comfortable after the first offer of condence. However, in this situation, there is literally no reason to feel offended, the subject matter is benign, thus the question asked here-a fair question to ask because why would this ever be an issue, as opposed to your examples where the issues are clear. And, the answer lies in the maturity level of DIL, which is the bigger issue here, not Mom, and certainly not social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you just ask her what’s new, how she is, and listen to what she’s willing to share with you. She likely accepted your Friend request to be polite, but doesn’t see you as a peer, and doesn’t love that you are not only reading her posts, but….keeping track of them.

Just ask how she is and see what she wants to share with you, personally. Revealing that you read her every post and remember them is a little much.

I do think it is odd that you seem to be using FB to moderate or curate your relationship with her.
Just talk like you did before social media. “What did you guys do for Halloween” “ I like your new curtains.” Etc

But what if you knew what she did for Halloween , etc., because that was what was on FB? All that is off limits? Good lord, I agree with all the other posters on Mom 's side. Get a grip.

You agree that one should press a point over and over again even if the person you are allegedly trying to have a conversation with visibly cringes every time you bring up a certain topic? Are you unable to read social cues? Do you have some type of disorder, or are your intentions just to make someone uncomfortable? Because if I ever seem to hit a sore spot in a conversation, I move the conversation in another direction; I don’t use the same tactic over and over again if it appears to be unsettling.

Ok, crazy one- that's not what OP said. She said : . I mentioned a few times that it looked like she had a nice get-together with friends recently, or that it looks like she enjoys hiking, or a few other things from her Facebook posts.

That goes like this:
Oh, looks like you had a great hiking trip!

Jessica, your friend, is looking good. What's new with her?

My friend also went to that antique store,( movie, restaurant, corn maze, )

It's called topics to talk about. WTF. I have a had a conversation pretty much every day this week regarding something in social media, mine or theirs, and I haven't bristled at one comment, because- why would I? My new dog, my trip to the Van Gogh Experience, a restaurant, and a family event. I have zero problem with anyone, my MIL, SIL, my neighbor, or anyone asking me about anything. I am not 14. Just stop enabling dumb behavior.

No, it’s not called “topics to talk about.” The topic each time that this particular OP brought up several times—enough for her, herself, to actually notice that this was what was making her DIL uncomfortable, and post about it—was “things I notice on your Facebook feed.”

Do you get it, that even OP herself put together that this dynamic was making DIL uncomfortable, and instead of changing tactics and saying something like, “have you read any good books lately,” or “can I tell you about the Van Gogh Experience I went to,” she kept hitting the same note related to social media, and expected a different reaction?

If the DIL was on the spectrum, sure. Any other situation, no..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t like that you follow her but doesn’t have the balls to block you.

Winner.

But DIL can create a group that see's specific posts. She could then let MIL see only what she chooses. Will never understand people posting everything on social media but wanting privacy

[Anonymous]

OP, your DIL wants her friends to admire and feel a little FOMO, these posts were never not for parents, distant cousins and anyone who is in their eyes "uncool". I'm sorry! She is actually uncool and of course she doesn't know it.

I think you should block her, not to be mean, but to prevent yourself from getting information about their life from social media. Keep it simple, the way it should be and have conversation about things they actually tell you (and not the whole world!).

[Anonymous]

This DIL is an example of the larger problem- quite a lot of children masquerading as adults, and using social media to help them. They are immature, narcissistic, fragile, mercurial, and over-emotional like kids, yet put on suits and drive to jobs, have kids of their own, attend meetings, etc. Social media for these types helps them maintain the childhood they can't climb out of- a little secret garden that the real adults cannot or should not penetrate. Here’s an example, somewhat related:

Dinner at colleague's house, man in his sixties asks another female guest ( age: early thirties) there if he can have the email of the guest's former roommate (female post doc, early thirties) who has since moved. Before he can even explain why, (his mouth is in mid syllable), his own daughter, age 35 ish, yells "Ew, Dad, WHY? OMG."

He stops and looks at her and explains that he would like to share a link to a microbial project happening at university, something related to a conversation he had with her at a previous event, something she was talking about.

His daughter then looks around the table, says with rolled eyes "Cringe, Dad."

The roommate guest, however, says, "Sure, I'll forward you the email tonight. Thanks, she'd like that."
Some people grow up and some just do not. It really is that basic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t like that you follow her but doesn’t have the balls to block you.

and she doesn't know how to limit audience on her posts so not social media savvy. Nobody wants to share every post with everyone but there are tools to ensure that.