Therapy didn't change the household chores dynamic, so I...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We constantly fight over this stuff. My husband was out of town and when he got back, did I mention how much I did? Of course not. But if he watches the kids in the morning so I can do house work, he mentions it several times throughout the day. His job is laundry - but the clean clothes sit in piles for weeks. The only thing that kind of helped is giving him a few defined jobs, and when he doesn’t do it, we have a sit down to remind him of his agreement.

Which one of you dictates that the other must do this list of tasks. Of course he’s on the defensive. Good God, if you think it’s your role to think of stuff for your spouse to do, divorce.

Yeah, all these B——-s just got off the plain after the honeymoon and handed DH a chore wheel. 🙄

Look, we all started with the expectation that everyone would just contribute to the running of the house in a reasonable manner and then gradually our husbands failed to hold up their end. I have some friends whose husbands just gradually stopped doing all the stuff they previously did, then I have other friends who are in my boat where our husbands opted in to bigger life responsibilities (home ownership, kids, etc.) but assumed that they would have the same amount of free time as when we were DINKs in a small apartment. When someone is at the point where she is ready to break up her marriage over the chores, it is not because she is too picky about the level of cleanliness.

All of this. I still remember the time that my husband incinerated popcorn in the microwave while I was on a trip. It still smelled awful throughout the house when I came home. He was like, "I wiped it out. I don't know what to do." I sent him a link with steps to take to clean the microwave if you burn popcorn in it. When I asked him about it a couple of more days later he very defensively said, "I'm not going to do all that." You can guess who did.

I honestly wish I had divorced when my kids were little, moved back to my hometown or home state and either found a guy that wanted a partnership or one that prioritized a budget for a housekeeper.

I would fully support my daughters not marrying.

This. It has nothing to do with SAH or WOH parenting. Household chores are essential and someone needs to do this. Perfectly fine if you don't want to lift a finger to do this, then you should pay up to get it outsourced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho. Seek help.

found the dh

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

Haha well we found the issue.

Yep, this is my guess. He works more and makes more.

And assuming this is true, he can afford the housekeeper since he doesn't want to do the chores

So the spouse that works more and makes more is expected do 50% of the housework as well? My guess is OP is a stay at home mom with some sort of hobby job and expects DH to take on all the duties on the weekend so DW can play.

OP here. I wish I had those expectations. Sadly, mine is very minimal. I am a nurse. I am not playing on the weekend. Vacuuming big chunks of food isn't too much to ask. Being at home all weekend and not lifting a finger is pure laziness.

And how did throwing laundry and swinging the vacuum around help you?

He folded the laundry. He's been winking at me ever since. I threw it on him again, but this time in less of a scary mommy kind of way. They were all on the sofa when I did it. Kids thought it was hilarious. He asked for the deadline, and I said 10 minutes. I set a timer, and it was done in 5 minutes. Our therapist mentioned using a timer with our 6-year-old to get ready in the morning. It worked on my 39-year-old husband.

OP here. I meant to write I threw it on him again today.

So your tantrum and out of control behavior didn't work.

Do everyone a favor and get a divorce.

Your children shouldn't witness such dysfunction.

Wrong. Did you miss the part about him folding the laundry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

Haha well we found the issue.

Yep, this is my guess. He works more and makes more.

And assuming this is true, he can afford the housekeeper since he doesn't want to do the chores

So the spouse that works more and makes more is expected do 50% of the housework as well? My guess is OP is a stay at home mom with some sort of hobby job and expects DH to take on all the duties on the weekend so DW can play.

OP here. I wish I had those expectations. Sadly, mine is very minimal. I am a nurse. I am not playing on the weekend. Vacuuming big chunks of food isn't too much to ask. Being at home all weekend and not lifting a finger is pure laziness.

And how did throwing laundry and swinging the vacuum around help you?

He folded the laundry. He's been winking at me ever since. I threw it on him again, but this time in less of a scary mommy kind of way. They were all on the sofa when I did it. Kids thought it was hilarious. He asked for the deadline, and I said 10 minutes. I set a timer, and it was done in 5 minutes. Our therapist mentioned using a timer with our 6-year-old to get ready in the morning. It worked on my 39-year-old husband.

OP here. I meant to write I threw it on him again today.

So your tantrum and out of control behavior didn't work.

Do everyone a favor and get a divorce.

Your children shouldn't witness such dysfunction.

Wrong. Did you miss the part about him folding the laundry?

Apparently you missed the part where she did it again today...her outburst didn't work and won't lead to any long-term changes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

This is such a bullshit question. It’s a catch-22. I made 50% of the HHI, paid for half the house, brought zero debt to the marriage, furnished most of the house, and the dynamic is the same, OP.

-NP

The dynamic is also the same for all the couples I know where the wife is the sole earner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

This is such a bullshit question. It’s a catch-22. I made 50% of the HHI, paid for half the house, brought zero debt to the marriage, furnished most of the house, and the dynamic is the same, OP.

-NP

The dynamic is also the same for all the couples I know where the wife is the sole earner.

Be explain? The SAHD does do sh** or the sole warning wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho. Seek help.

No. She is a woman with a poorly taught husband who complains and is lazy. And she is rightfully mad. Being mad because people treat you like crud is not crazy.

If a man were on here saying he dumped laundry on his wife we would be lighting him on fire.

OP here. Rarely, women won't do laundry. Men don't do that because they don't have to.

My husband does the majority of laundry in our house. DH and I divide things pretty equally and have jobs that bring in roughly the same money. We have disagreements and sometimes ask each other to pick up slack or finish up on X thing that needs to get done.

But here’s what: dumping something on someone is a physical act of aggression. And that is never OK. Never. If he kept a record of your actions for divorce court, you can bet this one would come up and would paint you in a psycho light.

Hopefully the DH has photo evidence of all the injuries and bruises he got from the clothes falling on his head.

All he needs to do is keep notes of days/times of inappropriate behavior. It doesn’t have to be violent to show a pattern of inappropriate, unstable behavior. OP would not come off looking good if that story were told in a courtroom or in arbitration.

Please, no one is interested in that. My ex husband used to take away my wallet and my cell phone so I couldn't go anywhere. Our custody is 50/50 because how he treated me does not impact his parental rights, the child support was set according to the formula, and no alimony, since we are equal earners. Basically, it's not illegal to be a jerk.

[Anonymous]

My ex was like this. He justified it by saying I didn't work. So I started working and was still stuck with all the chores. So I dumped him (there were MANY other problems besides chores).
I am still doing all the stuff around my house and I'm earning double what he is earning.

[Anonymous]

Have the whole family clean up together after meals. The kids will get really good at it really fast. Even little ones.

Do everyone’s laundry but his and teach the kids to do theirs as soon as it’s feasible. You’ll still have a lot but you’ll know it’s only a couple more years.

If you just hate your husband, just divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho. Seek help.

No. She is a woman with a poorly taught husband who complains and is lazy. And she is rightfully mad. Being mad because people treat you like crud is not crazy.

If a man were on here saying he dumped laundry on his wife we would be lighting him on fire.

OP here. Rarely, women won't do laundry. Men don't do that because they don't have to.

My husband does the majority of laundry in our house. DH and I divide things pretty equally and have jobs that bring in roughly the same money. We have disagreements and sometimes ask each other to pick up slack or finish up on X thing that needs to get done.

But here’s what: dumping something on someone is a physical act of aggression. And that is never OK. Never. If he kept a record of your actions for divorce court, you can bet this one would come up and would paint you in a psycho light.

Easy for you to say. You have a husband who helps equally. OP doesn't. Keep scrolling. This one isn't for you.

I’m any court or process of divorce arbitration, OP dumping laundry on her husband would be seen as aggressive and unstable.

Point. Blank. Period.

NP. Actually you sound unstable. No divorce court will draw this conclusion from what’s written here. Get real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

So zero then. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho. Seek help.

+1

Also, no one tells these young women that they need to outsource. Stupid.

OP here. Not all of us can afford to outsource.

Nurses make good money and he works full-time. If you chose to be house poor or otherwise put yourselves in a position where you "can't afford to outsource" at all, that's on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho. Seek help.

No. She is a woman with a poorly taught husband who complains and is lazy. And she is rightfully mad. Being mad because people treat you like crud is not crazy.

If a man were on here saying he dumped laundry on his wife we would be lighting him on fire.

OP here. Rarely, women won't do laundry. Men don't do that because they don't have to.

My husband does the majority of laundry in our house. DH and I divide things pretty equally and have jobs that bring in roughly the same money. We have disagreements and sometimes ask each other to pick up slack or finish up on X thing that needs to get done.

But here’s what: dumping something on someone is a physical act of aggression. And that is never OK. Never. If he kept a record of your actions for divorce court, you can bet this one would come up and would paint you in a psycho light.

Easy for you to say. You have a husband who helps equally. OP doesn't. Keep scrolling. This one isn't for you.

You aren't the board monitor. If you don't like the responses, keep scrolling. This one isn't for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

+1

I am a SAHM. My DH is quite capable person for some domestic things - helping with the baby, cooking...ok these two things mainly. Despite all kinds of strategies - making lists, chore wheel, having meetings, texting, spreadsheets, to do lists - he was not consistent in stepping up. I hated that instead of being married adults, I took on the role of being a taskmaster. So I basically outsourced most things and I manage and supervise these people.

At the end of it all, I want for myself - a well run household, a good marriage, good health, happy family, kids who are enriched and thriving, being able to develop my own passions/hobbies/education, financial success, having time for family and friends, being able to withstand ups and downs of life and preparedness for all stages of life. In this life, we all walk alone. Chores are small potatoes. Minimize your expenses on other things and spend the money on outsourcing.

However, remember that even with outsourcing, you will be the one in the supervisory role. Accept that. Move on. Men don't want to do the work at home? Then they can step up and be excellent providers and basically shut up about how much we spend.

You're a sahm. You should be doing the bulk of the household stuff as that's part of what you all claim is the bonus for you being at home.

I gave birth to our children. My DH cannot create a human being, so the least he can do is go and earn a big paycheck. This I think makes up somewhat for his not having a uterus or being able to breastfeed.

Now lets talk about domestic chores. I am raising children and looking after the home management. I am not a maid. He does not want to do domestic chores? His desire is also valid. I am very understanding and egalitarian. Newsflash - I also don't like to do domestic chores. It is a waste of my time as a college educated mom, who can use my education for creating an enriching and educational enviornment for my kids.

And since both of us don't want to do domestic stuff and want to spend time doing more worthwhile things, I outsource a lot - from cleaning to laundry, food prep to yard maintainence, grocery shopping to handyman duties. We both are happy. Thank you very much. There is no reason to be fighting about which spouse should be cleaning. I am gracious enough to manage the people who work for us.

Domestic chores is not a problem. It is just an expense. It can be solved by spending $$$.

If you are too broke to spend money on outsourcing, then both partners need to work together to tackle household chores.

This is not an impressive accomplishment. You're ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

+1

I am a SAHM. My DH is quite capable person for some domestic things - helping with the baby, cooking...ok these two things mainly. Despite all kinds of strategies - making lists, chore wheel, having meetings, texting, spreadsheets, to do lists - he was not consistent in stepping up. I hated that instead of being married adults, I took on the role of being a taskmaster. So I basically outsourced most things and I manage and supervise these people.

At the end of it all, I want for myself - a well run household, a good marriage, good health, happy family, kids who are enriched and thriving, being able to develop my own passions/hobbies/education, financial success, having time for family and friends, being able to withstand ups and downs of life and preparedness for all stages of life. In this life, we all walk alone. Chores are small potatoes. Minimize your expenses on other things and spend the money on outsourcing.

However, remember that even with outsourcing, you will be the one in the supervisory role. Accept that. Move on. Men don't want to do the work at home? Then they can step up and be excellent providers and basically shut up about how much we spend.

You're a sahm. You should be doing the bulk of the household stuff as that's part of what you all claim is the bonus for you being at home.

I gave birth to our children. My DH cannot create a human being, so the least he can do is go and earn a big paycheck. This I think makes up somewhat for his not having a uterus or being able to breastfeed.

Now lets talk about domestic chores. I am raising children and looking after the home management. I am not a maid. He does not want to do domestic chores? His desire is also valid. I am very understanding and egalitarian. Newsflash - I also don't like to do domestic chores. It is a waste of my time as a college educated mom, who can use my education for creating an enriching and educational environment for my kids.

And since both of us don't want to do domestic stuff and want to spend time doing more worthwhile things, I outsource a lot - from cleaning to laundry, food prep to yard maintainence, grocery shopping to handyman duties. We both are happy. Thank you very much. There is no reason to be fighting about which spouse should be cleaning. I am gracious enough to manage the people who work for us.

Domestic chores is not a problem. It is just an expense. It can be solved by spending $$$.

If you are too broke to spend money on outsourcing, then both partners need to work together to tackle household chores.

This is not an impressive accomplishment. You're ridiculous.

Really? Says who? You? Your opinion is irrelevant. My DH is very grateful that I have given birth to beautiful, intelligent, high achieving and happy children - and we have a beautiful family. In fact, the family we have created is our greatest accomplishment.

Let me clarify one thing though - what do you have to do to be "impressive" to your DH? What does he require of you so that he is compelled to be an equal partner who works side by side with you to do chores and run the household? Evidently, your being educated is not impressive, if you are a WOHM and earning a paycheck that is not impressive, if you are a SAHM at home with your children that is not impressive, and of course, you giving birth to children is not impressive at all. So, since you are so very inferior to him, is your punishment to be his handmaiden and serve him ? Are you inferior to him in looks, background, education, capabilities or are you just inferior to him as a human being? Does he think that the children you have borne him are inferior or the family you both have created is inferior? What is so very wrong with you that he thinks you are not worthy of being treated with respect and he is ok with not being a partner with you to do domestic chores at home?

My DH and I feel lucky to have each other. And this translates into the following options for specific chores and responsibilities - one of us is willing to tackle the work on our own because we have the time/energy/interest/flair for it, OR both of us work together, OR we both ignore the work OR outsource the work. Outsourcing allows us to have a smoothly running household so we can enjoy our life and family.

As a WOHM who is also contributing financially at home, you would be even more respected by people in your personal and professional life. Budget for outsourcing and cut expenses elsewhere - if your DH is not helping out for any reason.

OP, I do have sympathy for your situation but throwing things on your DH is not the answer regardless of how frustrated you are. Chores may not be his forte or his brain may not be wired to help out doing certain chores. You need to be calm and peaceful and outsource. This will help to preserve the peace at home and keep it conflict-free for your family.