Therapy didn't change the household chores dynamic, so I...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you marry this man of you despise him?

That's dramatic. We didn't have kids before marriage. These things don't come up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

The only thing that matters is who has fewer work/commute hours, not the percentage of income.

NP. I make twice his salary. Both work from home. He pays mortgage, I pay everything else, tuition, nanny, car, vacations, furniture, everything else. Same dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. If your toddler is pooping his pants multiple times a day, you need some serious help. Either complete potty training or go back to diapers.

He's 2! He poops in his diaper and the smells lingers even after changing his diaper, so we change his pants.

You sound a bit off, to be honest. I don’t know anyone who refers to their child using a diaper as “shitting their pants”. You’re just changing a diaper. It takes 2 minutes or less. Also how are you a nurse and working from home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho. Seek help.

No. She is a woman with a poorly taught husband who complains and is lazy. And she is rightfully mad. Being mad because people treat you like crud is not crazy.

If a man were on here saying he dumped laundry on his wife we would be lighting him on fire.

OP here. Rarely, women won't do laundry. Men don't do that because they don't have to.

My husband does the majority of laundry in our house. DH and I divide things pretty equally and have jobs that bring in roughly the same money. We have disagreements and sometimes ask each other to pick up slack or finish up on X thing that needs to get done.

But here’s what: dumping something on someone is a physical act of aggression. And that is never OK. Never. If he kept a record of your actions for divorce court, you can bet this one would come up and would paint you in a psycho light.

Easy for you to say. You have a husband who helps equally. OP doesn't. Keep scrolling. This one isn't for you.

I’m any court or process of divorce arbitration, OP dumping laundry on her husband would be seen as aggressive and unstable.

Point. Blank. Period.

It really wouldn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho. Seek help.

No. She is a woman with a poorly taught husband who complains and is lazy. And she is rightfully mad. Being mad because people treat you like crud is not crazy.

If a man were on here saying he dumped laundry on his wife we would be lighting him on fire.

OP here. Rarely, women won't do laundry. Men don't do that because they don't have to.

My husband does the majority of laundry in our house. DH and I divide things pretty equally and have jobs that bring in roughly the same money. We have disagreements and sometimes ask each other to pick up slack or finish up on X thing that needs to get done.

But here’s what: dumping something on someone is a physical act of aggression. And that is never OK. Never. If he kept a record of your actions for divorce court, you can bet this one would come up and would paint you in a psycho light.

Easy for you to say. You have a husband who helps equally. OP doesn't. Keep scrolling. This one isn't for you.

I’m any court or process of divorce arbitration, OP dumping laundry on her husband would be seen as aggressive and unstable.

Point. Blank. Period.

It really wouldn’t.

Yes it would. Very similar behavior came up in Bethenny Frankel’s divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. If your toddler is pooping his pants multiple times a day, you need some serious help. Either complete potty training or go back to diapers.

He's 2! He poops in his diaper and the smells lingers even after changing his diaper, so we change his pants.

You sound a bit off, to be honest. I don’t know anyone who refers to their child using a diaper as “shitting their pants”. You’re just changing a diaper. It takes 2 minutes or less. Also how are you a nurse and working from home?

Yeah what a weird and derogatory way to talk about a child who is still in diapers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. If your toddler is pooping his pants multiple times a day, you need some serious help. Either complete potty training or go back to diapers.

He's 2! He poops in his diaper and the smells lingers even after changing his diaper, so we change his pants.

You sound a bit off, to be honest. I don’t know anyone who refers to their child using a diaper as “shitting their pants”. You’re just changing a diaper. It takes 2 minutes or less. Also how are you a nurse and working from home?

Yeah what a weird and derogatory way to talk about a child who is still in diapers.

She was mad. She probably does 100 percent of the diaper changes. Lighten up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. If your toddler is pooping his pants multiple times a day, you need some serious help. Either complete potty training or go back to diapers.

He's 2! He poops in his diaper and the smells lingers even after changing his diaper, so we change his pants.

You sound a bit off, to be honest. I don’t know anyone who refers to their child using a diaper as “shitting their pants”. You’re just changing a diaper. It takes 2 minutes or less. Also how are you a nurse and working from home?

Miranda did this in sex and the city. You don't know what any of your friends do on an anonymous forum. Stock nitpicking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

+1

I am a SAHM. My DH is quite capable person for some domestic things - helping with the baby, cooking...ok these two things mainly. Despite all kinds of strategies - making lists, chore wheel, having meetings, texting, spreadsheets, to do lists - he was not consistent in stepping up. I hated that instead of being married adults, I took on the role of being a taskmaster. So I basically outsourced most things and I manage and supervise these people.

At the end of it all, I want for myself - a well run household, a good marriage, good health, happy family, kids who are enriched and thriving, being able to develop my own passions/hobbies/education, financial success, having time for family and friends, being able to withstand ups and downs of life and preparedness for all stages of life. In this life, we all walk alone. Chores are small potatoes. Minimize your expenses on other things and spend the money on outsourcing.

However, remember that even with outsourcing, you will be the one in the supervisory role. Accept that. Move on. Men don't want to do the work at home? Then they can step up and be excellent providers and basically shut up about how much we spend.

You're a sahm. You should be doing the bulk of the household stuff as that's part of what you all claim is the bonus for you being at home.

I gave birth to our children. My DH cannot create a human being, so the least he can do is go and earn a big paycheck. This I think makes up somewhat for his not having a uterus or being able to breastfeed.

Now lets talk about domestic chores. I am raising children and looking after the home management. I am not a maid. He does not want to do domestic chores? His desire is also valid. I am very understanding and egalitarian. Newsflash - I also don't like to do domestic chores. It is a waste of my time as a college educated mom, who can use my education for creating an enriching and educational enviornment for my kids.

And since both of us don't want to do domestic stuff and want to spend time doing more worthwhile things, I outsource a lot - from cleaning to laundry, food prep to yard maintainence, grocery shopping to handyman duties. We both are happy. Thank you very much. There is no reason to be fighting about which spouse should be cleaning. I am gracious enough to manage the people who work for us.

Domestic chores is not a problem. It is just an expense. It can be solved by spending $$$.

If you are too broke to spend money on outsourcing, then both partners need to work together to tackle household chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can possibly afford it, household help. Seriously, even if you don't think you are in "that bracket," it's cheaper than divorce.

It wouldn't help unless it were every day. It's the daily clean-up that I hate. I run the dishwasher 2-3 times a day because our sink is tiny. Have to pick up the food our toddler throws all over the place several times a day.

Here's the issue. I don't deny that your DH probably could help more. But you have to learn to let go. Meaning dishes might pile up and only get washed once a day instead of 3 times. Laundry maybe every other day instead of every day. If you're going to insist not bonky that he does things but does things when you want them and how you want them, then yes you will end up doing it all.

And please teach your toddler to stop throwing food.

And if he or she can't they can only eat strapped in the high chair in the kitchen. At least the food mess will be contained in the kitchen.

If they have a tiny sink, then this won't work. The dishes would be all over the counter. Food messes must be cleaned up after they happen; otherwise, it attracts pests. She's not asking him to deep clean the house. He needs to clean up after the kids and fold clean laundry. That takes 30 minutes max. No one is going to come out to do this sort of job.

He does it when he does it.

Let go of the reigns or end up doing it all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

+1

I am a SAHM. My DH is quite capable person for some domestic things - helping with the baby, cooking...ok these two things mainly. Despite all kinds of strategies - making lists, chore wheel, having meetings, texting, spreadsheets, to do lists - he was not consistent in stepping up. I hated that instead of being married adults, I took on the role of being a taskmaster. So I basically outsourced most things and I manage and supervise these people.

At the end of it all, I want for myself - a well run household, a good marriage, good health, happy family, kids who are enriched and thriving, being able to develop my own passions/hobbies/education, financial success, having time for family and friends, being able to withstand ups and downs of life and preparedness for all stages of life. In this life, we all walk alone. Chores are small potatoes. Minimize your expenses on other things and spend the money on outsourcing.

However, remember that even with outsourcing, you will be the one in the supervisory role. Accept that. Move on. Men don't want to do the work at home? Then they can step up and be excellent providers and basically shut up about how much we spend.

You're a sahm. You should be doing the bulk of the household stuff as that's part of what you all claim is the bonus for you being at home.

I gave birth to our children. My DH cannot create a human being, so the least he can do is go and earn a big paycheck. This I think makes up somewhat for his not having a uterus or being able to breastfeed.

Now lets talk about domestic chores. I am raising children and looking after the home management. I am not a maid. He does not want to do domestic chores? His desire is also valid. I am very understanding and egalitarian. Newsflash - I also don't like to do domestic chores. It is a waste of my time as a college educated mom, who can use my education for creating an enriching and educational enviornment for my kids.

And since both of us don't want to do domestic stuff and want to spend time doing more worthwhile things, I outsource a lot - from cleaning to laundry, food prep to yard maintainence, grocery shopping to handyman duties. We both are happy. Thank you very much. There is no reason to be fighting about which spouse should be cleaning. I am gracious enough to manage the people who work for us.

Domestic chores is not a problem. It is just an expense. It can be solved by spending $$$.

If you are too broke to spend money on outsourcing, then both partners need to work together to tackle household chores.

You can't create a human by yourself so that argument falls.
Plenty of women get pregnant and work during and after pregnancy do that argument fails again.
If you want to call yourself a sahm but sit on your ass and do nothing all day go for it but don't act like you're providing a great service or saving tons of money in doing so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. If your toddler is pooping his pants multiple times a day, you need some serious help. Either complete potty training or go back to diapers.

He's 2! He poops in his diaper and the smells lingers even after changing his diaper, so we change his pants.

2 is old enough to be toilet training.
And it's definitely old enough to not be throwing food everywhere.

But considering who this child has for parents I'm not surprised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

Haha well we found the issue.

Yep, this is my guess. He works more and makes more.

And assuming this is true, he can afford the housekeeper since he doesn't want to do the chores

So the spouse that works more and makes more is expected do 50% of the housework as well? My guess is OP is a stay at home mom with some sort of hobby job and expects DH to take on all the duties on the weekend so DW can play.

OP here. I wish I had those expectations. Sadly, mine is very minimal. I am a nurse. I am not playing on the weekend. Vacuuming big chunks of food isn't too much to ask. Being at home all weekend and not lifting a finger is pure laziness.

And how did throwing laundry and swinging the vacuum around help you?

He folded the laundry. He's been winking at me ever since. I threw it on him around, but this time in less of a scary mommy kind of way. They were all on the sofa when I did it. Kids thought it was hilarious. He asked for the deadline, and I said 10 minutes. I set a timer, and it was done in 5 minutes. Our therapist mentioned using a timer with our 6-year-old to get ready in the morning. It worked on my 39-year-old husband.

OP here. I meant to write I threw it on him again today.

So your tantrum and out of control behavior didn't work.

Do everyone a favor and get a divorce.

Your children shouldn't witness such dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

+1

I am a SAHM. My DH is quite capable person for some domestic things - helping with the baby, cooking...ok these two things mainly. Despite all kinds of strategies - making lists, chore wheel, having meetings, texting, spreadsheets, to do lists - he was not consistent in stepping up. I hated that instead of being married adults, I took on the role of being a taskmaster. So I basically outsourced most things and I manage and supervise these people.

At the end of it all, I want for myself - a well run household, a good marriage, good health, happy family, kids who are enriched and thriving, being able to develop my own passions/hobbies/education, financial success, having time for family and friends, being able to withstand ups and downs of life and preparedness for all stages of life. In this life, we all walk alone. Chores are small potatoes. Minimize your expenses on other things and spend the money on outsourcing.

However, remember that even with outsourcing, you will be the one in the supervisory role. Accept that. Move on. Men don't want to do the work at home? Then they can step up and be excellent providers and basically shut up about how much we spend.

You're a sahm. You should be doing the bulk of the household stuff as that's part of what you all claim is the bonus for you being at home.

I gave birth to our children. My DH cannot create a human being, so the least he can do is go and earn a big paycheck. This I think makes up somewhat for his not having a uterus or being able to breastfeed.

Now lets talk about domestic chores. I am raising children and looking after the home management. I am not a maid. He does not want to do domestic chores? His desire is also valid. I am very understanding and egalitarian. Newsflash - I also don't like to do domestic chores. It is a waste of my time as a college educated mom, who can use my education for creating an enriching and educational enviornment for my kids.

And since both of us don't want to do domestic stuff and want to spend time doing more worthwhile things, I outsource a lot - from cleaning to laundry, food prep to yard maintainence, grocery shopping to handyman duties. We both are happy. Thank you very much. There is no reason to be fighting about which spouse should be cleaning. I am gracious enough to manage the people who work for us.

Domestic chores is not a problem. It is just an expense. It can be solved by spending $$$.

If you are too broke to spend money on outsourcing, then both partners need to work together to tackle household chores.

You can't create a human by yourself so that argument falls.
Plenty of women get pregnant and work during and after pregnancy do that argument fails again.
If you want to call yourself a sahm but sit on your ass and do nothing all day go for it but don't act like you're providing a great service or saving tons of money in doing so.

I gestated the baby. Yup, so more work than DH did. In my marriage, there is only one of me, and one of DH. So our frame of reference is us. I had babies, he makes money. Now, as far as having a successful family is concerned - we both are happy with outsourcing stuff we don't like. I am doing a great service to my family AND only my family has to care about it. Do who GAF what you think?

Did I say that I am saving a lot of money, fool? No. I don't save a lot of money because I outsource stuff.

I am not a martyr. My DH can choose to help with chores if he wants to save money. Since he does not help, I outsource. As I said before, this is not a problem in our marriage, just an expense.

I don't call myself a SAHM. I call myself a happily married mom who has a good life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We constantly fight over this stuff. My husband was out of town and when he got back, did I mention how much I did? Of course not. But if he watches the kids in the morning so I can do house work, he mentions it several times throughout the day. His job is laundry - but the clean clothes sit in piles for weeks. The only thing that kind of helped is giving him a few defined jobs, and when he doesn’t do it, we have a sit down to remind him of his agreement.

Which one of you dictates that the other must do this list of tasks. Of course he’s on the defensive. Good God, if you think it’s your role to think of stuff for your spouse to do, divorce.

Yeah, all these B——-s just got off the plain after the honeymoon and handed DH a chore wheel. 🙄

Look, we all started with the expectation that everyone would just contribute to the running of the house in a reasonable manner and then gradually our husbands failed to hold up their end. I have some friends whose husbands just gradually stopped doing all the stuff they previously did, then I have other friends who are in my boat where our husbands opted in to bigger life responsibilities (home ownership, kids, etc.) but assumed that they would have the same amount of free time as when we were DINKs in a small apartment. When someone is at the point where she is ready to break up her marriage over the chores, it is not because she is too picky about the level of cleanliness.

All of this. I still remember the time that my husband incinerated popcorn in the microwave while I was on a trip. It still smelled awful throughout the house when I came home. He was like, "I wiped it out. I don't know what to do." I sent him a link with steps to take to clean the microwave if you burn popcorn in it. When I asked him about it a couple of more days later he very defensively said, "I'm not going to do all that." You can guess who did.

I honestly wish I had divorced when my kids were little, moved back to my hometown or home state and either found a guy that wanted a partnership or one that prioritized a budget for a housekeeper.

I would fully support my daughters not marrying.