Therapy didn't change the household chores dynamic, so I...

[Anonymous]

Therapy isn't a tool for you to get your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

+1

I am a SAHM. My DH is quite capable person for some domestic things - helping with the baby, cooking...ok these two things mainly. Despite all kinds of strategies - making lists, chore wheel, having meetings, texting, spreadsheets, to do lists - he was not consistent in stepping up. I hated that instead of being married adults, I took on the role of being a taskmaster. So I basically outsourced most things and I manage and supervise these people.

At the end of it all, I want for myself - a well run household, a good marriage, good health, happy family, kids who are enriched and thriving, being able to develop my own passions/hobbies/education, financial success, having time for family and friends, being able to withstand ups and downs of life and preparedness for all stages of life. In this life, we all walk alone. Chores are small potatoes. Minimize your expenses on other things and spend the money on outsourcing.

However, remember that even with outsourcing, you will be the one in the supervisory role. Accept that. Move on. Men don't want to do the work at home? Then they can step up and be excellent providers and basically shut up about how much we spend.

You're a sahm. You should be doing the bulk of the household stuff as that's part of what you all claim is the bonus for you being at home.

I gave birth to our children. My DH cannot create a human being, so the least he can do is go and earn a big paycheck. This I think makes up somewhat for his not having a uterus or being able to breastfeed.

Now lets talk about domestic chores. I am raising children and looking after the home management. I am not a maid. He does not want to do domestic chores? His desire is also valid. I am very understanding and egalitarian. Newsflash - I also don't like to do domestic chores. It is a waste of my time as a college educated mom, who can use my education for creating an enriching and educational environment for my kids.

And since both of us don't want to do domestic stuff and want to spend time doing more worthwhile things, I outsource a lot - from cleaning to laundry, food prep to yard maintainence, grocery shopping to handyman duties. We both are happy. Thank you very much. There is no reason to be fighting about which spouse should be cleaning. I am gracious enough to manage the people who work for us.

Domestic chores is not a problem. It is just an expense. It can be solved by spending $$$.

If you are too broke to spend money on outsourcing, then both partners need to work together to tackle household chores.

This is not an impressive accomplishment. You're ridiculous.

Really? Says who? You? Your opinion is irrelevant. My DH is very grateful that I have given birth to beautiful, intelligent, high achieving and happy children - and we have a beautiful family. In fact, the family we have created is our greatest accomplishment.

Let me clarify one thing though - what do you have to do to be "impressive" to your DH? What does he require of you so that he is compelled to be an equal partner who works side by side with you to do chores and run the household? Evidently, your being educated is not impressive, if you are a WOHM and earning a paycheck that is not impressive, if you are a SAHM at home with your children that is not impressive, and of course, you giving birth to children is not impressive at all. So, since you are so very inferior to him, is your punishment to be his handmaiden and serve him ? Are you inferior to him in looks, background, education, capabilities or are you just inferior to him as a human being? Does he think that the children you have borne him are inferior or the family you both have created is inferior? What is so very wrong with you that he thinks you are not worthy of being treated with respect and he is ok with not being a partner with you to do domestic chores at home?

My DH and I feel lucky to have each other. And this translates into the following options for specific chores and responsibilities - one of us is willing to tackle the work on our own because we have the time/energy/interest/flair for it, OR both of us work together, OR we both ignore the work OR outsource the work. Outsourcing allows us to have a smoothly running household so we can enjoy our life and family.

As a WOHM who is also contributing financially at home, you would be even more respected by people in your personal and professional life. Budget for outsourcing and cut expenses elsewhere - if your DH is not helping out for any reason.

OP, I do have sympathy for your situation but throwing things on your DH is not the answer regardless of how frustrated you are. Chores may not be his forte or his brain may not be wired to help out doing certain chores. You need to be calm and peaceful and outsource. This will help to preserve the peace at home and keep it conflict-free for your family.

Keep telling yourself that. I hope the prenup is very generous to you and your kids. Because your DH is going to get stored of you sitting on your ass all day claiming to be a SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

+1

I am a SAHM. My DH is quite capable person for some domestic things - helping with the baby, cooking...ok these two things mainly. Despite all kinds of strategies - making lists, chore wheel, having meetings, texting, spreadsheets, to do lists - he was not consistent in stepping up. I hated that instead of being married adults, I took on the role of being a taskmaster. So I basically outsourced most things and I manage and supervise these people.

At the end of it all, I want for myself - a well run household, a good marriage, good health, happy family, kids who are enriched and thriving, being able to develop my own passions/hobbies/education, financial success, having time for family and friends, being able to withstand ups and downs of life and preparedness for all stages of life. In this life, we all walk alone. Chores are small potatoes. Minimize your expenses on other things and spend the money on outsourcing.

However, remember that even with outsourcing, you will be the one in the supervisory role. Accept that. Move on. Men don't want to do the work at home? Then they can step up and be excellent providers and basically shut up about how much we spend.

You're a sahm. You should be doing the bulk of the household stuff as that's part of what you all claim is the bonus for you being at home.

I gave birth to our children. My DH cannot create a human being, so the least he can do is go and earn a big paycheck. This I think makes up somewhat for his not having a uterus or being able to breastfeed.

Now lets talk about domestic chores. I am raising children and looking after the home management. I am not a maid. He does not want to do domestic chores? His desire is also valid. I am very understanding and egalitarian. Newsflash - I also don't like to do domestic chores. It is a waste of my time as a college educated mom, who can use my education for creating an enriching and educational environment for my kids.

And since both of us don't want to do domestic stuff and want to spend time doing more worthwhile things, I outsource a lot - from cleaning to laundry, food prep to yard maintainence, grocery shopping to handyman duties. We both are happy. Thank you very much. There is no reason to be fighting about which spouse should be cleaning. I am gracious enough to manage the people who work for us.

Domestic chores is not a problem. It is just an expense. It can be solved by spending $$$.

If you are too broke to spend money on outsourcing, then both partners need to work together to tackle household chores.

This is not an impressive accomplishment. You're ridiculous.

Really? Says who? You? Your opinion is irrelevant. My DH is very grateful that I have given birth to beautiful, intelligent, high achieving and happy children - and we have a beautiful family. In fact, the family we have created is our greatest accomplishment.

Let me clarify one thing though - what do you have to do to be "impressive" to your DH? What does he require of you so that he is compelled to be an equal partner who works side by side with you to do chores and run the household? Evidently, your being educated is not impressive, if you are a WOHM and earning a paycheck that is not impressive, if you are a SAHM at home with your children that is not impressive, and of course, you giving birth to children is not impressive at all. So, since you are so very inferior to him, is your punishment to be his handmaiden and serve him ? Are you inferior to him in looks, background, education, capabilities or are you just inferior to him as a human being? Does he think that the children you have borne him are inferior or the family you both have created is inferior? What is so very wrong with you that he thinks you are not worthy of being treated with respect and he is ok with not being a partner with you to do domestic chores at home?

My DH and I feel lucky to have each other. And this translates into the following options for specific chores and responsibilities - one of us is willing to tackle the work on our own because we have the time/energy/interest/flair for it, OR both of us work together, OR we both ignore the work OR outsource the work. Outsourcing allows us to have a smoothly running household so we can enjoy our life and family.

As a WOHM who is also contributing financially at home, you would be even more respected by people in your personal and professional life. Budget for outsourcing and cut expenses elsewhere - if your DH is not helping out for any reason.

OP, I do have sympathy for your situation but throwing things on your DH is not the answer regardless of how frustrated you are. Chores may not be his forte or his brain may not be wired to help out doing certain chores. You need to be calm and peaceful and outsource. This will help to preserve the peace at home and keep it conflict-free for your family.

Keep telling yourself that. I hope the prenup is very generous to you and your kids. Because your DH is going to get stored of you sitting on your ass all day claiming to be a SAHM

Your reply is making me laugh.

I don't have your problem. You have to do so much more, just so some beta man who sits on his ass can tolerate being married to you. Your fear of divorce is noted, but don't worry about me. I have tons of insurance, money, no prenup, good marriage, great kids and wonderful cleaning lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy isn't a tool for you to get your way.

Money for a housekeeper is the best therapy in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapy isn't a tool for you to get your way.

Money for a housekeeper is the best therapy in this situation.

The housekeeper isn’t going to help with the daily cleanup.

[Anonymous]

Outsourcing isn’t always the solution. My spouse downt want outsiders in the house doing this stuff. It would just create a new subject to argue about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I threw the laundry on my husband today while he was relaxing on the sofa. He was complaining about taking care of the kids all day so that I could work. I do this the other five days of the week so that he can work. I even changed several diapers, even though I was working today. First, I came out swinging the vacuum all about.
Then I am like, what the hell? Let's grab the laundry in the dryer and another laundry that's in a trash bag because all the baskets are in use. It felt a bit liberating. Our toddler throws food all over the place, so daily vacuuming is needed. He also shits his pants, so we need to change his pants a few times a day. Our older child pees the bed a lot. Nothing I did tonight will probably change the dynamic, but therapy sure as hell didn't work. When people want to do something, they don't forget. It's bullshit men think we need to baby them to help around the house. When I ask nicely, he puts it off and then "forgets". Rant over.

Possible he has untreated ADD???
Does not excuse but may explain. What did the therapist suggest to help change the dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I threw the laundry on my husband today while he was relaxing on the sofa. He was complaining about taking care of the kids all day so that I could work. I do this the other five days of the week so that he can work. I even changed several diapers, even though I was working today. First, I came out swinging the vacuum all about.
Then I am like, what the hell? Let's grab the laundry in the dryer and another laundry that's in a trash bag because all the baskets are in use. It felt a bit liberating. Our toddler throws food all over the place, so daily vacuuming is needed. He also shits his pants, so we need to change his pants a few times a day. Our older child pees the bed a lot. Nothing I did tonight will probably change the dynamic, but therapy sure as hell didn't work. When people want to do something, they don't forget. It's bullshit men think we need to baby them to help around the house. When I ask nicely, he puts it off and then "forgets". Rant over.

Possible he has untreated ADD???
Does not excuse but may explain. What did the therapist suggest to help change the dynamic?

He suggested we set a timer as a family and all pitch in. That's kind of what I did yesterday, and it worked. I ALWAYS have to be the one to remind, remind, remind. It gets exhausting asking a grown man to do the same shit. My husband does have ADHD, but he won't take medicine for it. I have it, and I do take medicine. He performs well at work, so I guess he thinks he doesn't need it. He's never been prescribed anything for ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapy isn't a tool for you to get your way.

Money for a housekeeper is the best therapy in this situation.

The housekeeper isn’t going to help with the daily cleanup.

This. This is what I need the most. The dishes and laundry are never-ending. A twice-a-week cleaner wouldn't be bad, though. I would be happy if he could devote 20 minutes to the house daily. Is that too much to ask? If I set a timer for 20 minutes and we all clean up, fold laundry, etc.? Things should get more manageable when we move to our new house soon. Our kitchen is tiny now. You can't hide messes! The sink is so small.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

+1

I am a SAHM. My DH is quite capable person for some domestic things - helping with the baby, cooking...ok these two things mainly. Despite all kinds of strategies - making lists, chore wheel, having meetings, texting, spreadsheets, to do lists - he was not consistent in stepping up. I hated that instead of being married adults, I took on the role of being a taskmaster. So I basically outsourced most things and I manage and supervise these people.

At the end of it all, I want for myself - a well run household, a good marriage, good health, happy family, kids who are enriched and thriving, being able to develop my own passions/hobbies/education, financial success, having time for family and friends, being able to withstand ups and downs of life and preparedness for all stages of life. In this life, we all walk alone. Chores are small potatoes. Minimize your expenses on other things and spend the money on outsourcing.

However, remember that even with outsourcing, you will be the one in the supervisory role. Accept that. Move on. Men don't want to do the work at home? Then they can step up and be excellent providers and basically shut up about how much we spend.

You're a sahm. You should be doing the bulk of the household stuff as that's part of what you all claim is the bonus for you being at home.

I gave birth to our children. My DH cannot create a human being, so the least he can do is go and earn a big paycheck. This I think makes up somewhat for his not having a uterus or being able to breastfeed.

Now lets talk about domestic chores. I am raising children and looking after the home management. I am not a maid. He does not want to do domestic chores? His desire is also valid. I am very understanding and egalitarian. Newsflash - I also don't like to do domestic chores. It is a waste of my time as a college educated mom, who can use my education for creating an enriching and educational environment for my kids.

And since both of us don't want to do domestic stuff and want to spend time doing more worthwhile things, I outsource a lot - from cleaning to laundry, food prep to yard maintainence, grocery shopping to handyman duties. We both are happy. Thank you very much. There is no reason to be fighting about which spouse should be cleaning. I am gracious enough to manage the people who work for us.

Domestic chores is not a problem. It is just an expense. It can be solved by spending $$$.

If you are too broke to spend money on outsourcing, then both partners need to work together to tackle household chores.

This is not an impressive accomplishment. You're ridiculous.

Really? Says who? You? Your opinion is irrelevant. My DH is very grateful that I have given birth to beautiful, intelligent, high achieving and happy children - and we have a beautiful family. In fact, the family we have created is our greatest accomplishment.

Let me clarify one thing though - what do you have to do to be "impressive" to your DH? What does he require of you so that he is compelled to be an equal partner who works side by side with you to do chores and run the household? Evidently, your being educated is not impressive, if you are a WOHM and earning a paycheck that is not impressive, if you are a SAHM at home with your children that is not impressive, and of course, you giving birth to children is not impressive at all. So, since you are so very inferior to him, is your punishment to be his handmaiden and serve him ? Are you inferior to him in looks, background, education, capabilities or are you just inferior to him as a human being? Does he think that the children you have borne him are inferior or the family you both have created is inferior? What is so very wrong with you that he thinks you are not worthy of being treated with respect and he is ok with not being a partner with you to do domestic chores at home?

My DH and I feel lucky to have each other. And this translates into the following options for specific chores and responsibilities - one of us is willing to tackle the work on our own because we have the time/energy/interest/flair for it, OR both of us work together, OR we both ignore the work OR outsource the work. Outsourcing allows us to have a smoothly running household so we can enjoy our life and family.

As a WOHM who is also contributing financially at home, you would be even more respected by people in your personal and professional life. Budget for outsourcing and cut expenses elsewhere - if your DH is not helping out for any reason.

OP, I do have sympathy for your situation but throwing things on your DH is not the answer regardless of how frustrated you are. Chores may not be his forte or his brain may not be wired to help out doing certain chores. You need to be calm and peaceful and outsource. This will help to preserve the peace at home and keep it conflict-free for your family.

Keep telling yourself that. I hope the prenup is very generous to you and your kids. Because your DH is going to get stored of you sitting on your ass all day claiming to be a SAHM

People who are extremely happy in their lives don’t spend time typing all that out to some rando on the internet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapy isn't a tool for you to get your way.

Money for a housekeeper is the best therapy in this situation.

The housekeeper isn’t going to help with the daily cleanup.

Employ a cleaning lady to come twice a week. Pay her hourly for also doing some housekeeping chores like laundry. If you have a huge pile of dirty laundry, wash the undles and towels at home and send out the rest to be washed and folded for at least the first time. It may cost you $500-$600 that one time but you are done. Look for the kinds of place that market themselves as "Drycleaning Warehouse".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapy isn't a tool for you to get your way.

Money for a housekeeper is the best therapy in this situation.

The housekeeper isn’t going to help with the daily cleanup.

This. This is what I need the most. The dishes and laundry are never-ending. A twice-a-week cleaner wouldn't be bad, though. I would be happy if he could devote 20 minutes to the house daily. Is that too much to ask? If I set a timer for 20 minutes and we all clean up, fold laundry, etc.? Things should get more manageable when we move to our new house soon. Our kitchen is tiny now. You can't hide messes! The sink is so small.

I have a family of 4. We do quick pickups as a family, twice a day. Each of us counts aloud 15 things that we put away in that short period and then we are done. We all zip around like electrons trying to get to the easy things to put away before others can get their hands on them. Outer wear, shoes, phone, keys, purses, wallets, books and magazines, fluff the pillows, collect dirty dishes, put away the clean dishes, etc.

There are other small chores too that I assign different values - loading and unloading dishwasher, taking the trash out, changing the dog's water and putting food in their bowl, watering plants, taking the kitchen scraps to the composting bin, refilling the toilet paper holders, refilling the soap containers. Twice a day, 4 people zipping around for a few minutes, putting away 120 big and small things - tidies up your house tremendously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapy isn't a tool for you to get your way.

Money for a housekeeper is the best therapy in this situation.

The housekeeper isn’t going to help with the daily cleanup.

Employ a cleaning lady to come twice a week. Pay her hourly for also doing some housekeeping chores like laundry. If you have a huge pile of dirty laundry, wash the undles and towels at home and send out the rest to be washed and folded for at least the first time. It may cost you $500-$600 that one time but you are done. Look for the kinds of place that market themselves as "Drycleaning Warehouse".

Do laundry every day - even if these are small loads.

I have two empty dresser drawers for each family members. They are for clothes that have been worn once and may not be that fresh. They are not 100% fresh and clean to be kept with clean clothes and they may be worn a couple times more before getting washed. Instead of these clothes being on the floor, I expect my family to keep it in those drawers. They get worn after a few days and then washed. The drawers are a great place holders. It has significantly cut down on our laundry.

And also, using an empty laundry basket instead of the dresser drawers makes the room a mess somehow. The clothes have to be in the dresser for it to work, or hung in an empty corner in the closet.

[Anonymous]

Why don you write down the tasks each of you are responsible for? Train the person taking it on the first time. Then you don’t have to give assignments. Put up a chore schedule for the whole family.

Get organized? Not stew in resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don you write down the tasks each of you are responsible for? Train the person taking it on the first time. Then you don’t have to give assignments. Put up a chore schedule for the whole family.

Get organized? Not stew in resentment.

Oh so now it's the OPs fault because she's not organized. She has a 2 and 6 year old. There's not a lot they can do without assistance.