Therapy didn't change the household chores dynamic, so I...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We constantly fight over this stuff. My husband was out of town and when he got back, did I mention how much I did? Of course not. But if he watches the kids in the morning so I can do house work, he mentions it several times throughout the day. His job is laundry - but the clean clothes sit in piles for weeks. The only thing that kind of helped is giving him a few defined jobs, and when he doesn’t do it, we have a sit down to remind him of his agreement.

Which one of you dictates that the other must do this list of tasks. Of course he’s on the defensive. Good God, if you think it’s your role to think of stuff for your spouse to do, divorce.

Yeah, all these B——-s just got off the plain after the honeymoon and handed DH a chore wheel. 🙄

Look, we all started with the expectation that everyone would just contribute to the running of the house in a reasonable manner and then gradually our husbands failed to hold up their end. I have some friends whose husbands just gradually stopped doing all the stuff they previously did, then I have other friends who are in my boat where our husbands opted in to bigger life responsibilities (home ownership, kids, etc.) but assumed that they would have the same amount of free time as when we were DINKs in a small apartment. When someone is at the point where she is ready to break up her marriage over the chores, it is not because she is too picky about the level of cleanliness.

But these women also need to be smart and know that despite everyone's best intentions, they are the true brains of getting things working at home (like they are at work). So they need to budget for outsourcing and always have a staff. Yes, pay the money towards domestic staffing and take control of the finances. Did you really expect that the males of the species will figure this out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

Haha well we found the issue.

Yep, this is my guess. He works more and makes more.

And assuming this is true, he can afford the housekeeper since he doesn't want to do the chores

So the spouse that works more and makes more is expected do 50% of the housework as well? My guess is OP is a stay at home mom with some sort of hobby job and expects DH to take on all the duties on the weekend so DW can play.

LOL! Your statements are contradictory and weird. You are dissing the SAHM for wanting DH to contribute in the weekends, but you also want the lower earning spouse (presumably the WOHM) to do more. Are you the cruddy DH who is a man-child?

Woman need to budget for outsourcing. Period. Regardless of if you are a SAHM or a WOHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho. Seek help.

No. She is a woman with a poorly taught husband who complains and is lazy. And she is rightfully mad. Being mad because people treat you like crud is not crazy.

If a man were on here saying he dumped laundry on his wife we would be lighting him on fire.

OP here. Rarely, women won't do laundry. Men don't do that because they don't have to.

My husband does the majority of laundry in our house. DH and I divide things pretty equally and have jobs that bring in roughly the same money. We have disagreements and sometimes ask each other to pick up slack or finish up on X thing that needs to get done.

But here’s what: dumping something on someone is a physical act of aggression. And that is never OK. Never. If he kept a record of your actions for divorce court, you can bet this one would come up and would paint you in a psycho light.

Hopefully the DH has photo evidence of all the injuries and bruises he got from the clothes falling on his head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho. Seek help.

No. She is a woman with a poorly taught husband who complains and is lazy. And she is rightfully mad. Being mad because people treat you like crud is not crazy.

If a man were on here saying he dumped laundry on his wife we would be lighting him on fire.

OP here. Rarely, women won't do laundry. Men don't do that because they don't have to.

My husband does the majority of laundry in our house. DH and I divide things pretty equally and have jobs that bring in roughly the same money. We have disagreements and sometimes ask each other to pick up slack or finish up on X thing that needs to get done.

But here’s what: dumping something on someone is a physical act of aggression. And that is never OK. Never. If he kept a record of your actions for divorce court, you can bet this one would come up and would paint you in a psycho light.

Hopefully the DH has photo evidence of all the injuries and bruises he got from the clothes falling on his head.

All he needs to do is keep notes of days/times of inappropriate behavior. It doesn’t have to be violent to show a pattern of inappropriate, unstable behavior. OP would not come off looking good if that story were told in a courtroom or in arbitration.

[Anonymous]

How is this even an issue for some of you, acting like home management is pro-rated to salary? What the hell??? So what did these men do before getting married? Did they do their own laundry? Their own dishes? Clean their own home? If the answer is yes, then the implication that simply because they got married they don't have to do that anymore is offensive. If the answer is no, then they can continue to pay for those services, just as they always have.

When we got married, my husband said "we should just combine our laundry." We were in the literal honeymoon phase and I said not on your life, I see where that would lead. You're responsible for your laundry just as you always have been, and in 15 years of marriage I have never done his laundry. He had always had a cleaning service, so you better believe we have always had one since. I didn't sign up for the dual role of being his maid. No hell way. If he's willing to pay for it for just himself, he should be willing to continue to pay for it, regardless of what I make. Which happens to be the same amount, give or take $10,000 based on our bonuses, raises, etc. But that's utterly irrelevant. Two working spouses is two working spouses, period. What does seem relevant, in my case, is commute time, not salary. I work from home, my husband commutes an hour each way. So I take on more simply because I gain two hours each day that he doesn't have. That's the factor that seems to matter slightly. Doesn't mean he doesn't do his own laundry, or we don't continue to outsource cleaning like he did his entire adult working life before meeting me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho. Seek help.

No. She is a woman with a poorly taught husband who complains and is lazy. And she is rightfully mad. Being mad because people treat you like crud is not crazy.

If a man were on here saying he dumped laundry on his wife we would be lighting him on fire.

OP here. Rarely, women won't do laundry. Men don't do that because they don't have to.

My husband does the majority of laundry in our house. DH and I divide things pretty equally and have jobs that bring in roughly the same money. We have disagreements and sometimes ask each other to pick up slack or finish up on X thing that needs to get done.

But here’s what: dumping something on someone is a physical act of aggression. And that is never OK. Never. If he kept a record of your actions for divorce court, you can bet this one would come up and would paint you in a psycho light.

Hopefully the DH has photo evidence of all the injuries and bruises he got from the clothes falling on his head.

All he needs to do is keep notes of days/times of inappropriate behavior. It doesn’t have to be violent to show a pattern of inappropriate, unstable behavior. OP would not come off looking good if that story were told in a courtroom or in arbitration.

All she needs to do is keep notes of days/times of complete incompetence in being an adult caretaker to small children. OP's husband would not come off looking good if that story of being a man child were told in a courtroom or in arbitration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

+1

I am a SAHM. My DH is quite capable person for some domestic things - helping with the baby, cooking...ok these two things mainly. Despite all kinds of strategies - making lists, chore wheel, having meetings, texting, spreadsheets, to do lists - he was not consistent in stepping up. I hated that instead of being married adults, I took on the role of being a taskmaster. So I basically outsourced most things and I manage and supervise these people.

At the end of it all, I want for myself - a well run household, a good marriage, good health, happy family, kids who are enriched and thriving, being able to develop my own passions/hobbies/education, financial success, having time for family and friends, being able to withstand ups and downs of life and preparedness for all stages of life. In this life, we all walk alone. Chores are small potatoes. Minimize your expenses on other things and spend the money on outsourcing.

However, remember that even with outsourcing, you will be the one in the supervisory role. Accept that. Move on. Men don't want to do the work at home? Then they can step up and be excellent providers and basically shut up about how much we spend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

Haha well we found the issue.

Yep, this is my guess. He works more and makes more.

And assuming this is true, he can afford the housekeeper since he doesn't want to do the chores

Yet he doesnt lift a finger to hire or screen a housekeeper, make the job spec, manage the staff, or communicate with anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

+1

I am a SAHM. My DH is quite capable person for some domestic things - helping with the baby, cooking...ok these two things mainly. Despite all kinds of strategies - making lists, chore wheel, having meetings, texting, spreadsheets, to do lists - he was not consistent in stepping up. I hated that instead of being married adults, I took on the role of being a taskmaster. So I basically outsourced most things and I manage and supervise these people.

At the end of it all, I want for myself - a well run household, a good marriage, good health, happy family, kids who are enriched and thriving, being able to develop my own passions/hobbies/education, financial success, having time for family and friends, being able to withstand ups and downs of life and preparedness for all stages of life. In this life, we all walk alone. Chores are small potatoes. Minimize your expenses on other things and spend the money on outsourcing.

However, remember that even with outsourcing, you will be the one in the supervisory role. Accept that. Move on. Men don't want to do the work at home? Then they can step up and be excellent providers and basically shut up about how much we spend.

You're a sahm. You should be doing the bulk of the household stuff as that's part of what you all claim is the bonus for you being at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

Haha well we found the issue.

Yep, this is my guess. He works more and makes more.

And assuming this is true, he can afford the housekeeper since he doesn't want to do the chores

So the spouse that works more and makes more is expected do 50% of the housework as well? My guess is OP is a stay at home mom with some sort of hobby job and expects DH to take on all the duties on the weekend so DW can play.

OP here. I wish I had those expectations. Sadly, mine is very minimal. I am a nurse. I am not playing on the weekend. Vacuuming big chunks of food isn't too much to ask. Being at home all weekend and not lifting a finger is pure laziness.

And how did throwing laundry and swinging the vacuum around help you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho. Seek help.

No. She is a woman with a poorly taught husband who complains and is lazy. And she is rightfully mad. Being mad because people treat you like crud is not crazy.

If a man were on here saying he dumped laundry on his wife we would be lighting him on fire.

OP here. Rarely, women won't do laundry. Men don't do that because they don't have to.

My husband does the majority of laundry in our house. DH and I divide things pretty equally and have jobs that bring in roughly the same money. We have disagreements and sometimes ask each other to pick up slack or finish up on X thing that needs to get done.

But here’s what: dumping something on someone is a physical act of aggression. And that is never OK. Never. If he kept a record of your actions for divorce court, you can bet this one would come up and would paint you in a psycho light.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We constantly fight over this stuff. My husband was out of town and when he got back, did I mention how much I did? Of course not. But if he watches the kids in the morning so I can do house work, he mentions it several times throughout the day. His job is laundry - but the clean clothes sit in piles for weeks. The only thing that kind of helped is giving him a few defined jobs, and when he doesn’t do it, we have a sit down to remind him of his agreement.

Which one of you dictates that the other must do this list of tasks. Of course he’s on the defensive. Good God, if you think it’s your role to think of stuff for your spouse to do, divorce.

Yeah, all these B——-s just got off the plain after the honeymoon and handed DH a chore wheel. 🙄

Look, we all started with the expectation that everyone would just contribute to the running of the house in a reasonable manner and then gradually our husbands failed to hold up their end. I have some friends whose husbands just gradually stopped doing all the stuff they previously did, then I have other friends who are in my boat where our husbands opted in to bigger life responsibilities (home ownership, kids, etc.) but assumed that they would have the same amount of free time as when we were DINKs in a small apartment. When someone is at the point where she is ready to break up her marriage over the chores, it is not because she is too picky about the level of cleanliness.

More like these women think playing house is cute when they first move in with the guy. All to eager to play Susie Homemaker. It's fun when it's just about decorating and trying new recipes from Blue Apron ironing bhis shirts and packing lunches to show she's the bestest girlfriend.

And he's just the best because he cuts the grass and fixed the leak in the sink
And then they have kids and suddenly being Susie Homemaker isn't so fun and cute any more. She's thinking this isn't what she signed up for and he's thinking yes you did

So my advice ladies is start as you aim to end
When you move in together don't take in the role of cleaner, laundress meal planner etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho. Seek help.

No. She is a woman with a poorly taught husband who complains and is lazy. And she is rightfully mad. Being mad because people treat you like crud is not crazy.

If a man were on here saying he dumped laundry on his wife we would be lighting him on fire.

OP here. Rarely, women won't do laundry. Men don't do that because they don't have to.

How about you speak for yourself and about your lazy husband.

Did he help pre marriage? If he was lazy premarriage why would that change? Why did you marry a lazy man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can possibly afford it, household help. Seriously, even if you don't think you are in "that bracket," it's cheaper than divorce.

It wouldn't help unless it were every day. It's the daily clean-up that I hate. I run the dishwasher 2-3 times a day because our sink is tiny. Have to pick up the food our toddler throws all over the place several times a day.

Here's the issue. I don't deny that your DH probably could help more. But you have to learn to let go. Meaning dishes might pile up and only get washed once a day instead of 3 times. Laundry maybe every other day instead of every day. If you're going to insist not bonky that he does things but does things when you want them and how you want them, then yes you will end up doing it all.

And please teach your toddler to stop throwing food.

And if he or she can't they can only eat strapped in the high chair in the kitchen. At least the food mess will be contained in the kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho. Seek help.

No. She is a woman with a poorly taught husband who complains and is lazy. And she is rightfully mad. Being mad because people treat you like crud is not crazy.

If a man were on here saying he dumped laundry on his wife we would be lighting him on fire.

OP here. Rarely, women won't do laundry. Men don't do that because they don't have to.

My husband does the majority of laundry in our house. DH and I divide things pretty equally and have jobs that bring in roughly the same money. We have disagreements and sometimes ask each other to pick up slack or finish up on X thing that needs to get done.

But here’s what: dumping something on someone is a physical act of aggression. And that is never OK. Never. If he kept a record of your actions for divorce court, you can bet this one would come up and would paint you in a psycho light.

Easy for you to say. You have a husband who helps equally. OP doesn't. Keep scrolling. This one isn't for you.