Therapy didn't change the household chores dynamic, so I...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

+1

I am a SAHM. My DH is quite capable person for some domestic things - helping with the baby, cooking...ok these two things mainly. Despite all kinds of strategies - making lists, chore wheel, having meetings, texting, spreadsheets, to do lists - he was not consistent in stepping up. I hated that instead of being married adults, I took on the role of being a taskmaster. So I basically outsourced most things and I manage and supervise these people.

At the end of it all, I want for myself - a well run household, a good marriage, good health, happy family, kids who are enriched and thriving, being able to develop my own passions/hobbies/education, financial success, having time for family and friends, being able to withstand ups and downs of life and preparedness for all stages of life. In this life, we all walk alone. Chores are small potatoes. Minimize your expenses on other things and spend the money on outsourcing.

However, remember that even with outsourcing, you will be the one in the supervisory role. Accept that. Move on. Men don't want to do the work at home? Then they can step up and be excellent providers and basically shut up about how much we spend.

You're a sahm. You should be doing the bulk of the household stuff as that's part of what you all claim is the bonus for you being at home.

I gave birth to our children. My DH cannot create a human being, so the least he can do is go and earn a big paycheck. This I think makes up somewhat for his not having a uterus or being able to breastfeed.

Now lets talk about domestic chores. I am raising children and looking after the home management. I am not a maid. He does not want to do domestic chores? His desire is also valid. I am very understanding and egalitarian. Newsflash - I also don't like to do domestic chores. It is a waste of my time as a college educated mom, who can use my education for creating an enriching and educational environment for my kids.

And since both of us don't want to do domestic stuff and want to spend time doing more worthwhile things, I outsource a lot - from cleaning to laundry, food prep to yard maintainence, grocery shopping to handyman duties. We both are happy. Thank you very much. There is no reason to be fighting about which spouse should be cleaning. I am gracious enough to manage the people who work for us.

Domestic chores is not a problem. It is just an expense. It can be solved by spending $$$.

If you are too broke to spend money on outsourcing, then both partners need to work together to tackle household chores.

This is not an impressive accomplishment. You're ridiculous.

Really? Says who? You? Your opinion is irrelevant. My DH is very grateful that I have given birth to beautiful, intelligent, high achieving and happy children - and we have a beautiful family. In fact, the family we have created is our greatest accomplishment.

Let me clarify one thing though - what do you have to do to be "impressive" to your DH? What does he require of you so that he is compelled to be an equal partner who works side by side with you to do chores and run the household? Evidently, your being educated is not impressive, if you are a WOHM and earning a paycheck that is not impressive, if you are a SAHM at home with your children that is not impressive, and of course, you giving birth to children is not impressive at all. So, since you are so very inferior to him, is your punishment to be his handmaiden and serve him ? Are you inferior to him in looks, background, education, capabilities or are you just inferior to him as a human being? Does he think that the children you have borne him are inferior or the family you both have created is inferior? What is so very wrong with you that he thinks you are not worthy of being treated with respect and he is ok with not being a partner with you to do domestic chores at home?

My DH and I feel lucky to have each other. And this translates into the following options for specific chores and responsibilities - one of us is willing to tackle the work on our own because we have the time/energy/interest/flair for it, OR both of us work together, OR we both ignore the work OR outsource the work. Outsourcing allows us to have a smoothly running household so we can enjoy our life and family.

As a WOHM who is also contributing financially at home, you would be even more respected by people in your personal and professional life. Budget for outsourcing and cut expenses elsewhere - if your DH is not helping out for any reason.

OP, I do have sympathy for your situation but throwing things on your DH is not the answer regardless of how frustrated you are. Chores may not be his forte or his brain may not be wired to help out doing certain chores. You need to be calm and peaceful and outsource. This will help to preserve the peace at home and keep it conflict-free for your family.

Keep telling yourself that. I hope the prenup is very generous to you and your kids. Because your DH is going to get stored of you sitting on your ass all day claiming to be a SAHM

He is grateful you gave birth? Are you grateful he gave sperm? Presumably you had kids because you wanted them…so I hope you can soon let go of needing praise or credit for performing the biological function necessary to obtain what you sought. Years ago. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

+1

I am a SAHM. My DH is quite capable person for some domestic things - helping with the baby, cooking...ok these two things mainly. Despite all kinds of strategies - making lists, chore wheel, having meetings, texting, spreadsheets, to do lists - he was not consistent in stepping up. I hated that instead of being married adults, I took on the role of being a taskmaster. So I basically outsourced most things and I manage and supervise these people.

At the end of it all, I want for myself - a well run household, a good marriage, good health, happy family, kids who are enriched and thriving, being able to develop my own passions/hobbies/education, financial success, having time for family and friends, being able to withstand ups and downs of life and preparedness for all stages of life. In this life, we all walk alone. Chores are small potatoes. Minimize your expenses on other things and spend the money on outsourcing.

However, remember that even with outsourcing, you will be the one in the supervisory role. Accept that. Move on. Men don't want to do the work at home? Then they can step up and be excellent providers and basically shut up about how much we spend.

You're a sahm. You should be doing the bulk of the household stuff as that's part of what you all claim is the bonus for you being at home.

I gave birth to our children. My DH cannot create a human being, so the least he can do is go and earn a big paycheck. This I think makes up somewhat for his not having a uterus or being able to breastfeed.

Now lets talk about domestic chores. I am raising children and looking after the home management. I am not a maid. He does not want to do domestic chores? His desire is also valid. I am very understanding and egalitarian. Newsflash - I also don't like to do domestic chores. It is a waste of my time as a college educated mom, who can use my education for creating an enriching and educational environment for my kids.

And since both of us don't want to do domestic stuff and want to spend time doing more worthwhile things, I outsource a lot - from cleaning to laundry, food prep to yard maintainence, grocery shopping to handyman duties. We both are happy. Thank you very much. There is no reason to be fighting about which spouse should be cleaning. I am gracious enough to manage the people who work for us.

Domestic chores is not a problem. It is just an expense. It can be solved by spending $$$.

If you are too broke to spend money on outsourcing, then both partners need to work together to tackle household chores.

This is not an impressive accomplishment. You're ridiculous.

Really? Says who? You? Your opinion is irrelevant. My DH is very grateful that I have given birth to beautiful, intelligent, high achieving and happy children - and we have a beautiful family. In fact, the family we have created is our greatest accomplishment.

Let me clarify one thing though - what do you have to do to be "impressive" to your DH? What does he require of you so that he is compelled to be an equal partner who works side by side with you to do chores and run the household? Evidently, your being educated is not impressive, if you are a WOHM and earning a paycheck that is not impressive, if you are a SAHM at home with your children that is not impressive, and of course, you giving birth to children is not impressive at all. So, since you are so very inferior to him, is your punishment to be his handmaiden and serve him ? Are you inferior to him in looks, background, education, capabilities or are you just inferior to him as a human being? Does he think that the children you have borne him are inferior or the family you both have created is inferior? What is so very wrong with you that he thinks you are not worthy of being treated with respect and he is ok with not being a partner with you to do domestic chores at home?

My DH and I feel lucky to have each other. And this translates into the following options for specific chores and responsibilities - one of us is willing to tackle the work on our own because we have the time/energy/interest/flair for it, OR both of us work together, OR we both ignore the work OR outsource the work. Outsourcing allows us to have a smoothly running household so we can enjoy our life and family.

As a WOHM who is also contributing financially at home, you would be even more respected by people in your personal and professional life. Budget for outsourcing and cut expenses elsewhere - if your DH is not helping out for any reason.

OP, I do have sympathy for your situation but throwing things on your DH is not the answer regardless of how frustrated you are. Chores may not be his forte or his brain may not be wired to help out doing certain chores. You need to be calm and peaceful and outsource. This will help to preserve the peace at home and keep it conflict-free for your family.

Keep telling yourself that. I hope the prenup is very generous to you and your kids. Because your DH is going to get stored of you sitting on your ass all day claiming to be a SAHM

Your reply is making me laugh.

I don't have your problem. You have to do so much more, just so some beta man who sits on his ass can tolerate being married to you. Your fear of divorce is noted, but don't worry about me. I have tons of insurance, money, no prenup, good marriage, great kids and wonderful cleaning lady.

Said every wife dumped for a younger model.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone does their own laundry.Kids can start doing this 3rd grade. If your husband is otherwise good husband, hire as much help as you can afford. As others said, it is cheaper (and easier) than divorce.

+1 on the laundry. My kids are 11 and 9. They have been doing their laundry since they were 6 or 7. They wash, dry, and put away their own clothes. I wash the sheets/towels/etc and the kids fold and put them away. I let husband's laundry just pile up in his basket.

Train your children as early as possible to help. I cannot stress this enough. So they don't grow up to become like your husband. This sort of thing is taught in childhood - the desire to live in a relatively clean, orderly space.

The kids also clean their shared bathroom, and vacuum their own rooms once a week. They take out the recycling. They unload the dishwasher. Yes, I still load the dishes, cook, clean two bathrooms, mop the house, vacuum common areas but its soooo much less painful knowing my kids will take up some of the slack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapy isn't a tool for you to get your way.

Money for a housekeeper is the best therapy in this situation.

The housekeeper isn’t going to help with the daily cleanup.

This. This is what I need the most. The dishes and laundry are never-ending. A twice-a-week cleaner wouldn't be bad, though. I would be happy if he could devote 20 minutes to the house daily. Is that too much to ask? If I set a timer for 20 minutes and we all clean up, fold laundry, etc.? Things should get more manageable when we move to our new house soon. Our kitchen is tiny now. You can't hide messes! The sink is so small.

I’m a husband with two young kids, and do the following chores: all trash, unload dishwasher 70% of the time, all vacuuming once a week, 95% of laundry including sheets and towels, breakfast on weekdays. Some tips from a guy perspective: we also have a smallist sink, and do 1 dishwasher load a day. Not sure why you need 2-3 loads a day. Perhaps buy plates and bowls that fit the dishwasher better, such as identical plates. This makes unloading quicker.

For laundry, I do not fold anybody’s clothes. With young kids, just keep the clothes in a clean hamper straight from the dryer. No fold necessary.

[Anonymous]

Some more lazy laundry tips for OP: tell your husband that after the clothes are dry, take each shirt by the neck and throw them onto a shelf so they kind of stack on top of each other. This is to minimize wrinkles. 1 second per shirt. Does it look nice with stacks of thrown shirts, no. But the clothes are clean

Kids pants can stay in a clean hamper, no need for the special treatment above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

+1

I am a SAHM. My DH is quite capable person for some domestic things - helping with the baby, cooking...ok these two things mainly. Despite all kinds of strategies - making lists, chore wheel, having meetings, texting, spreadsheets, to do lists - he was not consistent in stepping up. I hated that instead of being married adults, I took on the role of being a taskmaster. So I basically outsourced most things and I manage and supervise these people.

At the end of it all, I want for myself - a well run household, a good marriage, good health, happy family, kids who are enriched and thriving, being able to develop my own passions/hobbies/education, financial success, having time for family and friends, being able to withstand ups and downs of life and preparedness for all stages of life. In this life, we all walk alone. Chores are small potatoes. Minimize your expenses on other things and spend the money on outsourcing.

However, remember that even with outsourcing, you will be the one in the supervisory role. Accept that. Move on. Men don't want to do the work at home? Then they can step up and be excellent providers and basically shut up about how much we spend.

You're a sahm. You should be doing the bulk of the household stuff as that's part of what you all claim is the bonus for you being at home.

I gave birth to our children. My DH cannot create a human being, so the least he can do is go and earn a big paycheck. This I think makes up somewhat for his not having a uterus or being able to breastfeed.

Now lets talk about domestic chores. I am raising children and looking after the home management. I am not a maid. He does not want to do domestic chores? His desire is also valid. I am very understanding and egalitarian. Newsflash - I also don't like to do domestic chores. It is a waste of my time as a college educated mom, who can use my education for creating an enriching and educational environment for my kids.

And since both of us don't want to do domestic stuff and want to spend time doing more worthwhile things, I outsource a lot - from cleaning to laundry, food prep to yard maintainence, grocery shopping to handyman duties. We both are happy. Thank you very much. There is no reason to be fighting about which spouse should be cleaning. I am gracious enough to manage the people who work for us.

Domestic chores is not a problem. It is just an expense. It can be solved by spending $$$.

If you are too broke to spend money on outsourcing, then both partners need to work together to tackle household chores.

This is not an impressive accomplishment. You're ridiculous.

Really? Says who? You? Your opinion is irrelevant. My DH is very grateful that I have given birth to beautiful, intelligent, high achieving and happy children - and we have a beautiful family. In fact, the family we have created is our greatest accomplishment.

Let me clarify one thing though - what do you have to do to be "impressive" to your DH? What does he require of you so that he is compelled to be an equal partner who works side by side with you to do chores and run the household? Evidently, your being educated is not impressive, if you are a WOHM and earning a paycheck that is not impressive, if you are a SAHM at home with your children that is not impressive, and of course, you giving birth to children is not impressive at all. So, since you are so very inferior to him, is your punishment to be his handmaiden and serve him ? Are you inferior to him in looks, background, education, capabilities or are you just inferior to him as a human being? Does he think that the children you have borne him are inferior or the family you both have created is inferior? What is so very wrong with you that he thinks you are not worthy of being treated with respect and he is ok with not being a partner with you to do domestic chores at home?

My DH and I feel lucky to have each other. And this translates into the following options for specific chores and responsibilities - one of us is willing to tackle the work on our own because we have the time/energy/interest/flair for it, OR both of us work together, OR we both ignore the work OR outsource the work. Outsourcing allows us to have a smoothly running household so we can enjoy our life and family.

As a WOHM who is also contributing financially at home, you would be even more respected by people in your personal and professional life. Budget for outsourcing and cut expenses elsewhere - if your DH is not helping out for any reason.

OP, I do have sympathy for your situation but throwing things on your DH is not the answer regardless of how frustrated you are. Chores may not be his forte or his brain may not be wired to help out doing certain chores. You need to be calm and peaceful and outsource. This will help to preserve the peace at home and keep it conflict-free for your family.

It’s a natural, biological process. Roaches and rats “gestate.” It’s not an accomplishment or something anyone owes you anything for doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

+1

I am a SAHM. My DH is quite capable person for some domestic things - helping with the baby, cooking...ok these two things mainly. Despite all kinds of strategies - making lists, chore wheel, having meetings, texting, spreadsheets, to do lists - he was not consistent in stepping up. I hated that instead of being married adults, I took on the role of being a taskmaster. So I basically outsourced most things and I manage and supervise these people.

At the end of it all, I want for myself - a well run household, a good marriage, good health, happy family, kids who are enriched and thriving, being able to develop my own passions/hobbies/education, financial success, having time for family and friends, being able to withstand ups and downs of life and preparedness for all stages of life. In this life, we all walk alone. Chores are small potatoes. Minimize your expenses on other things and spend the money on outsourcing.

However, remember that even with outsourcing, you will be the one in the supervisory role. Accept that. Move on. Men don't want to do the work at home? Then they can step up and be excellent providers and basically shut up about how much we spend.

You're a sahm. You should be doing the bulk of the household stuff as that's part of what you all claim is the bonus for you being at home.

I gave birth to our children. My DH cannot create a human being, so the least he can do is go and earn a big paycheck. This I think makes up somewhat for his not having a uterus or being able to breastfeed.

Now lets talk about domestic chores. I am raising children and looking after the home management. I am not a maid. He does not want to do domestic chores? His desire is also valid. I am very understanding and egalitarian. Newsflash - I also don't like to do domestic chores. It is a waste of my time as a college educated mom, who can use my education for creating an enriching and educational environment for my kids.

And since both of us don't want to do domestic stuff and want to spend time doing more worthwhile things, I outsource a lot - from cleaning to laundry, food prep to yard maintainence, grocery shopping to handyman duties. We both are happy. Thank you very much. There is no reason to be fighting about which spouse should be cleaning. I am gracious enough to manage the people who work for us.

Domestic chores is not a problem. It is just an expense. It can be solved by spending $$$.

If you are too broke to spend money on outsourcing, then both partners need to work together to tackle household chores.

This is not an impressive accomplishment. You're ridiculous.

Really? Says who? You? Your opinion is irrelevant. My DH is very grateful that I have given birth to beautiful, intelligent, high achieving and happy children - and we have a beautiful family. In fact, the family we have created is our greatest accomplishment.

Let me clarify one thing though - what do you have to do to be "impressive" to your DH? What does he require of you so that he is compelled to be an equal partner who works side by side with you to do chores and run the household? Evidently, your being educated is not impressive, if you are a WOHM and earning a paycheck that is not impressive, if you are a SAHM at home with your children that is not impressive, and of course, you giving birth to children is not impressive at all. So, since you are so very inferior to him, is your punishment to be his handmaiden and serve him ? Are you inferior to him in looks, background, education, capabilities or are you just inferior to him as a human being? Does he think that the children you have borne him are inferior or the family you both have created is inferior? What is so very wrong with you that he thinks you are not worthy of being treated with respect and he is ok with not being a partner with you to do domestic chores at home?

My DH and I feel lucky to have each other. And this translates into the following options for specific chores and responsibilities - one of us is willing to tackle the work on our own because we have the time/energy/interest/flair for it, OR both of us work together, OR we both ignore the work OR outsource the work. Outsourcing allows us to have a smoothly running household so we can enjoy our life and family.

As a WOHM who is also contributing financially at home, you would be even more respected by people in your personal and professional life. Budget for outsourcing and cut expenses elsewhere - if your DH is not helping out for any reason.

OP, I do have sympathy for your situation but throwing things on your DH is not the answer regardless of how frustrated you are. Chores may not be his forte or his brain may not be wired to help out doing certain chores. You need to be calm and peaceful and outsource. This will help to preserve the peace at home and keep it conflict-free for your family.

Keep telling yourself that. I hope the prenup is very generous to you and your kids. Because your DH is going to get stored of you sitting on your ass all day claiming to be a SAHM

People who are extremely happy in their lives don’t spend time typing all that out to some rando on the internet

+1. But their hilariously oververbose, highly defensive screed gave me a good laugh, so at least something good came out of it.