Therapy didn't change the household chores dynamic, so I...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can possibly afford it, household help. Seriously, even if you don't think you are in "that bracket," it's cheaper than divorce.

It wouldn't help unless it were every day. It's the daily clean-up that I hate. I run the dishwasher 2-3 times a day because our sink is tiny. Have to pick up the food our toddler throws all over the place several times a day.

Here's the issue. I don't deny that your DH probably could help more. But you have to learn to let go. Meaning dishes might pile up and only get washed once a day instead of 3 times. Laundry maybe every other day instead of every day. If you're going to insist not bonky that he does things but does things when you want them and how you want them, then yes you will end up doing it all.

And please teach your toddler to stop throwing food.

And if he or she can't they can only eat strapped in the high chair in the kitchen. At least the food mess will be contained in the kitchen.

If they have a tiny sink, then this won't work. The dishes would be all over the counter. Food messes must be cleaned up after they happen; otherwise, it attracts pests. She's not asking him to deep clean the house. He needs to clean up after the kids and fold clean laundry. That takes 30 minutes max. No one is going to come out to do this sort of job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

This is such a bullshit question. It’s a catch-22. I made 50% of the HHI, paid for half the house, brought zero debt to the marriage, furnished most of the house, and the dynamic is the same, OP.

-NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

This is such a bullshit question. It’s a catch-22. I made 50% of the HHI, paid for half the house, brought zero debt to the marriage, furnished most of the house, and the dynamic is the same, OP.

-NP

I should also say we came up (multiple times) with a chore distribution list and how frequently we’d take care of them. He does it for one week and then let’s it sit. Dishes piled up for a week. He gets take out then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

The only thing that matters is who has fewer work/commute hours, not the percentage of income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

+1

I am a SAHM. My DH is quite capable person for some domestic things - helping with the baby, cooking...ok these two things mainly. Despite all kinds of strategies - making lists, chore wheel, having meetings, texting, spreadsheets, to do lists - he was not consistent in stepping up. I hated that instead of being married adults, I took on the role of being a taskmaster. So I basically outsourced most things and I manage and supervise these people.

At the end of it all, I want for myself - a well run household, a good marriage, good health, happy family, kids who are enriched and thriving, being able to develop my own passions/hobbies/education, financial success, having time for family and friends, being able to withstand ups and downs of life and preparedness for all stages of life. In this life, we all walk alone. Chores are small potatoes. Minimize your expenses on other things and spend the money on outsourcing.

However, remember that even with outsourcing, you will be the one in the supervisory role. Accept that. Move on. Men don't want to do the work at home? Then they can step up and be excellent providers and basically shut up about how much we spend.

You're a sahm. You should be doing the bulk of the household stuff as that's part of what you all claim is the bonus for you being at home.

Having a SAHP doesn’t mean the WOHP gets off the hook 100%. Put your damn clothes in the hamper, if your drop food on the floor pick it up, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho. Seek help.

No. She is a woman with a poorly taught husband who complains and is lazy. And she is rightfully mad. Being mad because people treat you like crud is not crazy.

If a man were on here saying he dumped laundry on his wife we would be lighting him on fire.

OP here. Rarely, women won't do laundry. Men don't do that because they don't have to.

My husband does the majority of laundry in our house. DH and I divide things pretty equally and have jobs that bring in roughly the same money. We have disagreements and sometimes ask each other to pick up slack or finish up on X thing that needs to get done.

But here’s what: dumping something on someone is a physical act of aggression. And that is never OK. Never. If he kept a record of your actions for divorce court, you can bet this one would come up and would paint you in a psycho light.

Easy for you to say. You have a husband who helps equally. OP doesn't. Keep scrolling. This one isn't for you.

I’m any court or process of divorce arbitration, OP dumping laundry on her husband would be seen as aggressive and unstable.

Point. Blank. Period.

[Anonymous]

Does he do ANYTHING else? Stuff you don't see or think about?
If I'm mopping floors and he's laying on the couch I get irritated. If I'm mopping floors and he's on a ladder cleaning the gutters out I'm fine. It's easy to forget about the things you don't do. The big difference here is that "men's work" usually consists of defined tasks that are completed and they feel accomplished when it's done. "Women's work" is never finished because there is always another meal to be prepared or another load of dirty clothes. This is where the resentment comes in.

[Anonymous]

He can have a divorce and take the kids, but would probably find another mother-wife because he’s incapable of adulting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

This was definitely written by someone who uses income to justify laziness at home.


Maybe a family's goals don't include making as much money as possible and conferring whoever makes the most money with special status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

Haha well we found the issue.

Yep, this is my guess. He works more and makes more.

And assuming this is true, he can afford the housekeeper since he doesn't want to do the chores

So the spouse that works more and makes more is expected do 50% of the housework as well? My guess is OP is a stay at home mom with some sort of hobby job and expects DH to take on all the duties on the weekend so DW can play.

OP here. I wish I had those expectations. Sadly, mine is very minimal. I am a nurse. I am not playing on the weekend. Vacuuming big chunks of food isn't too much to ask. Being at home all weekend and not lifting a finger is pure laziness.

And how did throwing laundry and swinging the vacuum around help you?

He folded the laundry. He's been winking at me ever since. I threw it on him around, but this time in less of a scary mommy kind of way. They were all on the sofa when I did it. Kids thought it was hilarious. He asked for the deadline, and I said 10 minutes. I set a timer, and it was done in 5 minutes. Our therapist mentioned using a timer with our 6-year-old to get ready in the morning. It worked on my 39-year-old husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what percentage of the income do you make?

Not relevant.

Haha well we found the issue.

Yep, this is my guess. He works more and makes more.

And assuming this is true, he can afford the housekeeper since he doesn't want to do the chores

So the spouse that works more and makes more is expected do 50% of the housework as well? My guess is OP is a stay at home mom with some sort of hobby job and expects DH to take on all the duties on the weekend so DW can play.

OP here. I wish I had those expectations. Sadly, mine is very minimal. I am a nurse. I am not playing on the weekend. Vacuuming big chunks of food isn't too much to ask. Being at home all weekend and not lifting a finger is pure laziness.

And how did throwing laundry and swinging the vacuum around help you?

He folded the laundry. He's been winking at me ever since. I threw it on him around, but this time in less of a scary mommy kind of way. They were all on the sofa when I did it. Kids thought it was hilarious. He asked for the deadline, and I said 10 minutes. I set a timer, and it was done in 5 minutes. Our therapist mentioned using a timer with our 6-year-old to get ready in the morning. It worked on my 39-year-old husband.

OP here. I meant to write I threw it on him again today.

[Anonymous]

WTF. If your toddler is pooping his pants multiple times a day, you need some serious help. Either complete potty training or go back to diapers.

[Anonymous]

Why did you marry this man of you despise him?

[Anonymous]

Why not just pick up the large chunks of food? It seems like it would not be good for the vacuum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WTF. If your toddler is pooping his pants multiple times a day, you need some serious help. Either complete potty training or go back to diapers.

He's 2! He poops in his diaper and the smells lingers even after changing his diaper, so we change his pants.