40-year-old man in a 1BR condo – problem?

[Anonymous]

To me, a man is somebody who has a purpose in life: build a house, grow a son, plant a tree (e.g. achiever in career).

Someone like you would seem to be immature, unable to take responsibility for anyone and not wanting to create or leaving anything after yourself in life.

I am a divorced mom, have 3.5mm in net assets and a grown up son. I am almost as young as you are - 43 y.o. Although my family didn't work out, I don't feel it was all in vain and I don't what how I would feel being alone in a 1br condo at age 40.

Good to you to meet someone meaningful to the point that you will be moved to change your life and create.

[Anonymous]

Man here. You are a chump. Stop posting on DCUM and worrying about what ppl think. You are a 40 yo man, still hanging at mommy's house down the street. You are a loser with $600K; still a loser...

[Anonymous]

I dated tons of versions of you before I met my spouse and had my family. There are plenty of over 35 year old men in condos or even still renting in dc. Women will date you for a few months. Younger women may not put it together that you’re not marriage material. No serious or accomplished DC woman is going to be interested but neither are you. You’re fine.

[Anonymous]

To me, the red flag is you spending a lot of time at your parents' house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, I’m not divorced and have never been married. I wouldn’t describe myself as commitment-phobic; I just had some financial goals that I wanted to meet before getting bogged down in a relationship. Now that I have done that, I am definitely open to committed, long-term relationships, so I’m not leading anyone on. The couple of casual relationships I’ve had have been fun too.

While I’m not opposed to a long-term relationship, I think it’s very unlikely that I would want to cohabitate and almost certain that I would not want to marry. I just value my space and my privacy too much.

Lastly, I’m not sure why everyone is making it seem like cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. are no big deal. Isn’t this the same DCUM where everyone is stressed out and complaining about housework and all the “mental loads?“ (Granted, I don’t have kids but the other tasks are not insignificant.) Other than some work issues, I have zero stress in my life, and I love it that way.

Omg. "Getting bogged down" is a funny way to describe a relationship. If it's the right one for you, it *helps* you achieve your goals. What you say is exactly what people who are afraid of commitment think.

Yes, DCUM is stressed out and complaining about the mental load. And one reason for that is men who have no domestic skills and no motivation to learn how to manage a household. Like you! You aren't actually taking care of yourself, you're leaning on your parents to cook and clean and provide your preferred home environment. Are you expecting a woman would do that for you too?

Also I’ve complained about the mental load and dirty dishes on here bc it’s a safe space to come and vent for a minute and go back to my life. I assume that when other people vent for a minute about dishes the take away isn’t intended to be and there are no other good things making partnership and families worth the hassle of dishes in the sink. I really hope, Op, you are being flippant and aren’t giving up on knowing what it’s like to have some really great family moments bc some people complain about housework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, I’m not divorced and have never been married. I wouldn’t describe myself as commitment-phobic; I just had some financial goals that I wanted to meet before getting bogged down in a relationship. Now that I have done that, I am definitely open to committed, long-term relationships, so I’m not leading anyone on. The couple of casual relationships I’ve had have been fun too.

While I’m not opposed to a long-term relationship, I think it’s very unlikely that I would want to cohabitate and almost certain that I would not want to marry. I just value my space and my privacy too much.

Lastly, I’m not sure why everyone is making it seem like cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. are no big deal. Isn’t this the same DCUM where everyone is stressed out and complaining about housework and all the “mental loads?“ (Granted, I don’t have kids but the other tasks are not insignificant.) Other than some work issues, I have zero stress in my life, and I love it that way.

The bottom line is you like the way your life is now and have zero interest in changing it to be in a LTR. I’m a firm believer that there is a match for everyone. Don’t lead people on and look for the person that also likes the way their life is now and would not want to change it to be in a LTR. It’s only an issue if people want different things out of the relationship.

If I were divorced and had kids in the house, I don’t know that I would want to remarry and would be busy with my kids at least 50% of the time. The 40 year old guy in the 1 BR condo that eats dinner with his parents 3 nights a week and takeout the other 4 wouldn’t really matter because I am not trying to marry or co-habitate. Now if I wanted a relationship where we eventually live together, this would be a neon sign that we don’t want the same things. I’m not sure that I would want to live on takeout, always be at your parents house or become the defacto cook. And before you say that DCUM is going after your because you like to see your family all the time for dinner, there was a post years ago with a woman that wanted to see her family all the time, and her serious significant other didn’t want to always go and resented that they didn’t have their own time. The general consensus was that she needed to negotiate something they could both live with or find someone that also wanted to see their own family three times a week or always wanted that type of setup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. It’s more about how you decorate it.
Does it look like a college dorm or pulled together and mature?
I would have simple fresh looking pillows and linens. Masculine of course, but that’s all really

+1. The condo would not be an issue. Loose boundaries with the parents might be.

Damn. So a man who enjoys hanging out with his folks = loose boundaries?? You people are so screwed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to get married then it is just about the sex, isn’t it? Why hide that?

Not the OP, but there is a lot of room between just sex and marriage. I’m divorced and never want to marry again, but would be up for a committed monogamous relationship with someone who is also financially independent.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. It’s more about how you decorate it.
Does it look like a college dorm or pulled together and mature?
I would have simple fresh looking pillows and linens. Masculine of course, but that’s all really

+1. The condo would not be an issue. Loose boundaries with the parents might be.

Damn. So a man who enjoys hanging out with his folks = loose boundaries?? You people are so screwed up.

That’s not what he says is going on. He expressly says it’s about free loading on mommy’s cooking and cleaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well yes, I do find it stressful to care for a SFH, two young children and all of their needs and school stuff and sports, on top of working and maintaining a marriage and my own health and everything. That is stressful, for sure. But cooking and cleaning for one single adult who is me, would not be stressful at all! It would be downright pleasant because I could cook what I want and not have to cater to anyone else's tastes, and I wouldn't have to do any of the other things parents have to do for their children so I would have plenty of time. Can you really not see a difference there? You seem extremely oblivious and that is the red flag.

Maybe you've been married too long or you're just longing for his life, but I know plenty single people who hate cooking, grab food from restaurants, and yes, eat meals at their parent's house. If he doesn't want to cook, why should he? Why is everybody so mad this man, who can obviously afford to eat out as much as he pleases, doesn't want to cook?!?! Insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. Why don’t you buy a home and work on a garden rather than living in a condo and dating women with no interest in marrying. Find something you can do. I’m a single parent with a full time job and I own a house and I’m 40. I really don’t get people like you who can’t seem to do anything as an adult. The bigger turn off is that you are basically still a child and this probably goes for men as well as women.

You own a house because you're a single parent or parent period. There's no need to have one as one person unless that's just your fondest dream.

He says he prefers single family homes and has money in the bank, along with a paid off condo. So why doesn’t he buy one?? Because he just uses his parents. That, to me, is the red flag.

This is going to absolutely blow your mind - not everyone wants to buy a house. It is not the end all goal for every single person. He's a single man with no interest in getting married so why on earth would he need to buy a SINGLE FAMILY HOME when it's just HIM?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well yes, I do find it stressful to care for a SFH, two young children and all of their needs and school stuff and sports, on top of working and maintaining a marriage and my own health and everything. That is stressful, for sure. But cooking and cleaning for one single adult who is me, would not be stressful at all! It would be downright pleasant because I could cook what I want and not have to cater to anyone else's tastes, and I wouldn't have to do any of the other things parents have to do for their children so I would have plenty of time. Can you really not see a difference there? You seem extremely oblivious and that is the red flag.

Maybe you've been married too long or you're just longing for his life, but I know plenty single people who hate cooking, grab food from restaurants, and yes, eat meals at their parent's house. If he doesn't want to cook, why should he? Why is everybody so mad this man, who can obviously afford to eat out as much as he pleases, doesn't want to cook?!?! Insane.

It’s not about the cooking. It’s about avoiding any kind of personal responsibility and off loading it onto his parents so that he can live a stress free, adolescent type of lifestyle.

No woman would want to marry this free loading man child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. Why don’t you buy a home and work on a garden rather than living in a condo and dating women with no interest in marrying. Find something you can do. I’m a single parent with a full time job and I own a house and I’m 40. I really don’t get people like you who can’t seem to do anything as an adult. The bigger turn off is that you are basically still a child and this probably goes for men as well as women.

You own a house because you're a single parent or parent period. There's no need to have one as one person unless that's just your fondest dream.

He says he prefers single family homes and has money in the bank, along with a paid off condo. So why doesn’t he buy one?? Because he just uses his parents. That, to me, is the red flag.

This is going to absolutely blow your mind - not everyone wants to buy a house. It is not the end all goal for every single person. He's a single man with no interest in getting married so why on earth would he need to buy a SINGLE FAMILY HOME when it's just HIM?!

Because it’s what he prefers? He’s the one who wants that. And to get it, he’s living part time with his parents. At 40. While his mother cooks and cleans for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well yes, I do find it stressful to care for a SFH, two young children and all of their needs and school stuff and sports, on top of working and maintaining a marriage and my own health and everything. That is stressful, for sure. But cooking and cleaning for one single adult who is me, would not be stressful at all! It would be downright pleasant because I could cook what I want and not have to cater to anyone else's tastes, and I wouldn't have to do any of the other things parents have to do for their children so I would have plenty of time. Can you really not see a difference there? You seem extremely oblivious and that is the red flag.

Maybe you've been married too long or you're just longing for his life, but I know plenty single people who hate cooking, grab food from restaurants, and yes, eat meals at their parent's house. If he doesn't want to cook, why should he? Why is everybody so mad this man, who can obviously afford to eat out as much as he pleases, doesn't want to cook?!?! Insane.

It’s not about the cooking. It’s about avoiding any kind of personal responsibility and off loading it onto his parents so that he can live a stress free, adolescent type of lifestyle.

No woman would want to marry this free loading man child.

And he doesn’t want to get married. Just wants to con someone into sleeping with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little older than OP, and choose a 3 BR SFH. The reason? No space in a 1 BR condo for my sex dungeon, and a rowhouse wouldn't work because the sex dungeon generates too much noise.

But do you spend a lot of time at your mama’s house afterwards?