40-year-old man in a 1BR condo – problem?

[Anonymous]

If you don’t want to get married then it is just about the sex, isn’t it? Why hide that?

[Anonymous]

I see no problem with a single or married person who spends a lot of time with their parents who live 5 minutes away. Why the heck not? As long as he has friends besides his parents l don’t get the contempt from the other responders.

Now if he lived with his parents at 40 that would be an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to get married then it is just about the sex, isn’t it? Why hide that?

Not the OP, but there is a lot of room between just sex and marriage. I’m divorced and never want to marry again, but would be up for a committed monogamous relationship with someone who is also financially independent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see no problem with a single or married person who spends a lot of time with their parents who live 5 minutes away. Why the heck not? As long as he has friends besides his parents l don’t get the contempt from the other responders.

Now if he lived with his parents at 40 that would be an issue.

They're just mad because they dated people who wasted their time like him and he has more equity in an extremely expensive area than they could dream. Hard to see a single 40-year-old with a house and a condo when you're struggling in a rental paying $4,500+ a month for the privilege.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the responses. I wasn’t expecting the comments about the close relationship with my parents being a red flag.

I do eat dinner there two or three nights a week. I don’t cook; frankly, cooking, cleaning and everything that goes along with that seems like a tremendous amount of work that I never wanted to take on. The other nights I get takeout or eat leftovers. I do my own laundry and don’t sleep at my parents’ place.

The condo itself is nice – I actually had a decorator come in and set it up. To answer another poster, no one has ever mentioned the condo as a problem (though they may have thought it and not mentioned it. After all, I didn’t think my relationship with my parents was a problem but apparently DCUM thinks otherwise.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. I wasn’t expecting the comments about the close relationship with my parents being a red flag.

I do eat dinner there two or three nights a week. I don’t cook; frankly, cooking, cleaning and everything that goes along with that seems like a tremendous amount of work that I never wanted to take on. The other nights I get takeout or eat leftovers. I do my own laundry and don’t sleep at my parents’ place.

The condo itself is nice – I actually had a decorator come in and set it up. To answer another poster, no one has ever mentioned the condo as a problem (though they may have thought it and not mentioned it. After all, I didn’t think my relationship with my parents was a problem but apparently DCUM thinks otherwise.)

OP women go into relationships hoping never to have to interact with their MILs. Men go into relationships wondering and hoping they have something in common with their FILs. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Better than then roommate rental situation my friends found their husband's in.

I actually see the paid off mortgage as a plus - you and your spouse should be able to put a much larger down payment down when you're ready.

OP doesn’t want to get married. He’s married to his mom.

NP. Classic DCUM never disappoints and is always so very consistent. A man says he spends time at his parents' house, with zero details, and before the first page is done, we have:

"He''s married to his mom"

"You sound enmeshed with your parents"

"You sound like a mama's boy"

...When OP said nothing about his relationship with them. At all. Only that he prefers SFHs and apparently yards/gardens. But this being, well, DCUM, people immediately either project their own negative biases onto him or they decide every question Must Be Pathologized. For all we know, he has the positive relationship with his parents that so many DWs here complain they wish their DHs had and it's not being "enmeshed" or a "mama's boy."

What almost all of you missed, except for one person above, is that OP needs to be careful re: when he has the "I'm not interested in marriage" mention. Much bigger deal to the women he dates--whether they want marriage or not! OP, are you interested in commitment, just not marriage? Are you like my friend's long-term BF, where they are definitely a couple but do not live together, never have lived together, and neither wants to get married? (NO, sweet DCUM-ers, the woman does not secretly long for a ring and a gown; she does not want to marry, but yes, they are a committed couple). Or OP, are you not interested in commitment either, just casual dating and sex? That's fine if that's your goal. It's not a first-date discussion, of course, but by saying you don't "lead with it" do you mean you wait until -- when? I hope you're clear with women about it sooner rather than later if you are not looking for marriage and/or a long-term exclusive relationship.

But THAT, and not the condo, and certainly not the parents, is what stood out to me.

By the way, the condo sounds perfectly fine. Nothing to put any woman off there. As someone posted above, if you get into an LTR and it extends to living together/buying a house together, you'd be able to choose it as a couple. But just the condo itself instead of a house at 40? Not a problem.

[Anonymous]

Condo is not a problem. I do trust you sit in their back yard enjoying being outside since you love SFH so much, and not in mama's kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. I wasn’t expecting the comments about the close relationship with my parents being a red flag.

I do eat dinner there two or three nights a week. I don’t cook; frankly, cooking, cleaning and everything that goes along with that seems like a tremendous amount of work that I never wanted to take on. The other nights I get takeout or eat leftovers. I do my own laundry and don’t sleep at my parents’ place.

The condo itself is nice – I actually had a decorator come in and set it up. To answer another poster, no one has ever mentioned the condo as a problem (though they may have thought it and not mentioned it. After all, I didn’t think my relationship with my parents was a problem but apparently DCUM thinks otherwise.)

Condo, not wanting to get married, and seeing your parents 2-3 times per week don’t sound bad to me, as long as you’re upfront about it. Not cooking at all though, that would be a problem for me. I wouldn’t be into a guy who only eats at his parents, take-out and leftovers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. I wasn’t expecting the comments about the close relationship with my parents being a red flag.

I do eat dinner there two or three nights a week. I don’t cook; frankly, cooking, cleaning and everything that goes along with that seems like a tremendous amount of work that I never wanted to take on. The other nights I get takeout or eat leftovers. I do my own laundry and don’t sleep at my parents’ place.

The condo itself is nice – I actually had a decorator come in and set it up. To answer another poster, no one has ever mentioned the condo as a problem (though they may have thought it and not mentioned it. After all, I didn’t think my relationship with my parents was a problem but apparently DCUM thinks otherwise.)

It's not a problem that you don't cook, but describing the effort of cooking and cleaning up and omg grocery shopping for one person as "a tremendous amount of work" is a major red flag. Most single women handle that for themselves without even really thinking about it. You seem very lazy if that's too hard for you.
Condo, not wanting to get married, and seeing your parents 2-3 times per week don’t sound bad to me, as long as you’re upfront about it. Not cooking at all though, that would be a problem for me. I wouldn’t be into a guy who only eats at his parents, take-out and leftovers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. I wasn’t expecting the comments about the close relationship with my parents being a red flag.

I do eat dinner there two or three nights a week. I don’t cook; frankly, cooking, cleaning and everything that goes along with that seems like a tremendous amount of work that I never wanted to take on. The other nights I get takeout or eat leftovers. I do my own laundry and don’t sleep at my parents’ place.

The condo itself is nice – I actually had a decorator come in and set it up. To answer another poster, no one has ever mentioned the condo as a problem (though they may have thought it and not mentioned it. After all, I didn’t think my relationship with my parents was a problem but apparently DCUM thinks otherwise.)

Condo, not wanting to get married, and seeing your parents 2-3 times per week don’t sound bad to me, as long as you’re upfront about it. Not cooking at all though, that would be a problem for me. I wouldn’t be into a guy who only eats at his parents, take-out and leftovers.

It seems like you still think your parents house is your real home and your condo is just sort of a holding pad where you don't really live and don't make it an actual home.

I would be concerned that you and your parents would expect me to kill time at their house all weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my situation. Condo is paid off and in a nice area. I also have about $600K in the bank so it’s not a financial issue.

The issue is I love the peace and greenery of single-family homes so I spend a lot of time at my parents’ house, which is five minutes from my condo. A two-bedroom condo is not going to give me much more in that regard than a one-bedroom condo. And buying a house in this area would entail so much expense and hassle that I’m not interested in that right now.

Just curious if you women would perceive this as a negative in the dating market, i.e. that’s too small a place for a 40-year-old or it may indicate I’m not serious about marriage. (Truthfully, I’m not interested in getting married but I don’t *lead* with that so women don’t think I am only interested in sex.)

Anyway, one-bedroom apartment for a 40-year-old man – is that a problem?

I think 40 year old women don’t want to be led on. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Why are you divorced and does it have anything to do with your condo and parents' house situation, or your belief that cooking for one adult is a tremendous amount of effort?

I would not date anyone who didn't have basic household management skills and thought it was a lot of work. Looking for a capable adult who does his share.

[Anonymous]

Op. Why don’t you buy a home and work on a garden rather than living in a condo and dating women with no interest in marrying. Find something you can do. I’m a single parent with a full time job and I own a house and I’m 40. I really don’t get people like you who can’t seem to do anything as an adult. The bigger turn off is that you are basically still a child and this probably goes for men as well as women.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever been married? I don’t see that you mentioned you are divorced.