40-year-old man in a 1BR condo – problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me, a man is somebody who has a purpose in life: build a house, grow a son, plant a tree (e.g. achiever in career).

Someone like you would seem to be immature, unable to take responsibility for anyone and not wanting to create or leaving anything after yourself in life.

I am a divorced mom, have 3.5mm in net assets and a grown up son. I am almost as young as you are - 43 y.o. Although my family didn't work out, I don't feel it was all in vain and I don't what how I would feel being alone in a 1br condo at age 40.

Good to you to meet someone meaningful to the point that you will be moved to change your life and create.

This is an excellent post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. It’s more about how you decorate it.
Does it look like a college dorm or pulled together and mature?
I would have simple fresh looking pillows and linens. Masculine of course, but that’s all really

+1. The condo would not be an issue. Loose boundaries with the parents might be.

Damn. So a man who enjoys hanging out with his folks = loose boundaries?? You people are so screwed up.

Pp. I didn’t say that. I said loose boundaries might be an issue. This would depend fully on what the adult child’s relationship with parents looks like and is entirely dependent on the circumstances. It also depends on what kind of relationship OP wants. Someone happy living their own separate life who wants to meet up a couple times a week might be fine with him making no adjustments to his lifestyle as it stands, a live in girlfriend may want to be prioritized more often and might not be up for dinners at the parents a few times a week and spending free time in their backyard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. It’s more about how you decorate it.
Does it look like a college dorm or pulled together and mature?
I would have simple fresh looking pillows and linens. Masculine of course, but that’s all really

+1. The condo would not be an issue. Loose boundaries with the parents might be.

Damn. So a man who enjoys hanging out with his folks = loose boundaries?? You people are so screwed up.

Pp. I didn’t say that. I said loose boundaries might be an issue. This would depend fully on what the adult child’s relationship with parents looks like and is entirely dependent on the circumstances. It also depends on what kind of relationship OP wants. Someone happy living their own separate life who wants to meet up a couple times a week might be fine with him making no adjustments to his lifestyle as it stands, a live in girlfriend may want to be prioritized more often and might not be up for dinners at the parents a few times a week and spending free time in their backyard.

He does not sound like someone who wants a live-in girlfriend. Plenty of women, especially divorced, would find him ideal. He won’t be too needy and it is nice he is close to his parents. He does not have “loose boundaries”—he is a single guy who lives close to his parents. And kudos to him for not wasting money on a bigger than needed property and keeping his cash liquid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little older than OP, and choose a 3 BR SFH. The reason? No space in a 1 BR condo for my sex dungeon, and a rowhouse wouldn't work because the sex dungeon generates too much noise.

But do you spend a lot of time at your mama’s house afterwards?

I'll visit her for a day or two in Florida once a year during the winter.

[Anonymous]

Find a woman who aligns with your lifestyle, OP. There’s nothing wrong with your long term plan, which at 40 seems set. You seem to think that every woman out there expects marriage. The tide is changing on this. Be honest if you use dating sites. If a LTR is the truth, say so. Then be honest in person about marriage way before you lead them down a path. If you’re just looking to get laid, well you know how to do that. Kudos to you for enjoying life with your parents. That’s a blessing for them. But I hope you help them with their house maintenance, and clean up after the dinners they offer 3x a week! Hope that 600k is your play money/emergency fund. If that’s total assets in addition to condo, you’re not working hard enough! Don’t count mom and pops trust fund, you all may need that for heir long term care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. It’s more about how you decorate it.
Does it look like a college dorm or pulled together and mature?
I would have simple fresh looking pillows and linens. Masculine of course, but that’s all really

+1. The condo would not be an issue. Loose boundaries with the parents might be.

Damn. So a man who enjoys hanging out with his folks = loose boundaries?? You people are so screwed up.

Pp. I didn’t say that. I said loose boundaries might be an issue. This would depend fully on what the adult child’s relationship with parents looks like and is entirely dependent on the circumstances. It also depends on what kind of relationship OP wants. Someone happy living their own separate life who wants to meet up a couple times a week might be fine with him making no adjustments to his lifestyle as it stands, a live in girlfriend may want to be prioritized more often and might not be up for dinners at the parents a few times a week and spending free time in their backyard.

He does not sound like someone who wants a live-in girlfriend. Plenty of women, especially divorced, would find him ideal. He won’t be too needy and it is nice he is close to his parents. He does not have “loose boundaries”—he is a single guy who lives close to his parents. And kudos to him for not wasting money on a bigger than needed property and keeping his cash liquid.

I agree that he could find someone who wants a more casual relationship if that’s what he wants. I also don’t think either of us have any idea what his relationship with his parents is like. He could very well have a close, healthy, and functional relationship which is wonderful. If I was a woman looking for a relationship like the one he wants I would be entirely fine with him owning a condo, the condo is a nonissue. If he wants to take parents on every vacation with us and wants to spend weekends with all of us in the backyard I wouldn’t be into that, personally. Spending lots of time with parents is not, in itself, proof of poor boundaries but other things are and I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who had poor boundaries with parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my situation. Condo is paid off and in a nice area. I also have about $600K in the bank so it’s not a financial issue.

The issue is I love the peace and greenery of single-family homes so I spend a lot of time at my parents’ house, which is five minutes from my condo. A two-bedroom condo is not going to give me much more in that regard than a one-bedroom condo. And buying a house in this area would entail so much expense and hassle that I’m not interested in that right now.

Just curious if you women would perceive this as a negative in the dating market, i.e. that’s too small a place for a 40-year-old or it may indicate I’m not serious about marriage. (Truthfully, I’m not interested in getting married but I don’t *lead* with that so women don’t think I am only interested in sex.)

Anyway, one-bedroom apartment for a 40-year-old man – is that a problem?

One bedroom apt is not an issue at all as long as it’s a clean, well kept adult space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find a woman who aligns with your lifestyle, OP. There’s nothing wrong with your long term plan, which at 40 seems set. You seem to think that every woman out there expects marriage. The tide is changing on this. Be honest if you use dating sites. If a LTR is the truth, say so. Then be honest in person about marriage way before you lead them down a path. If you’re just looking to get laid, well you know how to do that. Kudos to you for enjoying life with your parents. That’s a blessing for them. But I hope you help them with their house maintenance, and clean up after the dinners they offer 3x a week! Hope that 600k is your play money/emergency fund. If that’s total assets in addition to condo, you’re not working hard enough! Don’t count mom and pops trust fund, you all may need that for heir long term care.

This. Are you visiting your parents *as an adult*, helping with things and pulling your weight? Or are you all like, cleaning is soooooo haaaaaard, I'll just hang out in this living room and back yard that I do nothing to maintain? You may be comfortable with this but no woman worth dating would behave that way as a guest or DIL.

[Anonymous]

I agree, a condo and $600K is not that much for someone who is 40 and has never had any dependents. Where is your money going?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree, a condo and $600K is not that much for someone who is 40 and has never had any dependents. Where is your money going?

Very true but I don’t think it matters if he is not trying to build a life with someone. It sounds like he would like to have a long term but more casual situation where they don’t live together, share finances etc. I imagine a woman that wants that wouldn’t really care about his financial situation and would be entirely fine with his setup assuming his place doesn’t look like frat house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree, a condo and $600K is not that much for someone who is 40 and has never had any dependents. Where is your money going?

Very true but I don’t think it matters if he is not trying to build a life with someone. It sounds like he would like to have a long term but more casual situation where they don’t live together, share finances etc. I imagine a woman that wants that wouldn’t really care about his financial situation and would be entirely fine with his setup assuming his place doesn’t look like frat house.

It's just not enough savings to counterbalance the weirdness and lack of life skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious if you women would perceive this as a negative in the dating market, i.e. that’s too small a place for a 40-year-old or it may indicate I’m not serious about marriage. (Truthfully, I’m not interested in getting married but I don’t *lead* with that so women don’t think I am only interested in sex.)

OP, this is the only part of your explanation I really don't get. I wouldn't care that you had a 1 BR condo, nor that you spend a lot of time with your parents just as a fact on its own. There's nothing automatically weird or off about either of those circumstances. But I do find it weird you yourself say your condo may "indicate you're not serious about marriage" as a negative when...you actually aren't interested in marriage. That seems to imply you want to deliberately lead women on. If true, knock it off. But also, maybe I'm misreading and what you mean is you're open to honest relationships but worry you'll scare women off before they get to know if you if blurt out you don't want to get married on a first date - in which case, fair enough, just don't let it go too far if you think there's any misunderstanding developing. And please trust me, there will be TONS of women in their 40s+ who are interested in long-term relationships without wanting marriage, and who are probably interested in keeping their own places too.

In fact I'd bet more women would be interested in that setup than otherwise, especially with a guy who in your own words isn't interested in cooking, etc. because it's "too much work." That's great, you can just hang out and have fun together and then go to your own places and take care of yourselves! Win-win - as long as you're straight about it. I mean, heck, I consider myself happily married but if God forbid something happened to DH no way would I want to get married again. Too much work and I don't want some man constantly all up in my business and in my space needing care and feeding. I'd way rather just have a companion to go out with and travel and do fun stuff and have great sex and then go back to my nice peaceful home and life on my own.

+1. Be clear about what you are looking for and your situation shouldn’t be an issue

[Anonymous]

Op, you're spending too much time on DCUM. I know that's harsh but really, if it's come to asking about this, you need to change up your life in other, more important ways.

[Anonymous]

whoopee. for a single 40 year old guy 600K doesn't sound like that much. my DD is 29 and she has that much money in the bank already.

[Anonymous]

It makes perfect sense. Especially in light of climate concerns.

I would find it far odder for you to wander around some McMansion all by your lonely. And how many single guys want to spend their weekends mowing the lawn?

Don't overthink this...unless you have your sights set on landing a materialistic gold-digger.