40-year-old man in a 1BR condo – problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. Why don’t you buy a home and work on a garden rather than living in a condo and dating women with no interest in marrying. Find something you can do. I’m a single parent with a full time job and I own a house and I’m 40. I really don’t get people like you who can’t seem to do anything as an adult. The bigger turn off is that you are basically still a child and this probably goes for men as well as women.

You own a house because you're a single parent or parent period. There's no need to have one as one person unless that's just your fondest dream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my situation. Condo is paid off and in a nice area. I also have about $600K in the bank so it’s not a financial issue.

The issue is I love the peace and greenery of single-family homes so I spend a lot of time at my parents’ house, which is five minutes from my condo. A two-bedroom condo is not going to give me much more in that regard than a one-bedroom condo. And buying a house in this area would entail so much expense and hassle that I’m not interested in that right now.

Just curious if you women would perceive this as a negative in the dating market, i.e. that’s too small a place for a 40-year-old or it may indicate I’m not serious about marriage. (Truthfully, I’m not interested in getting married but I don’t *lead* with that so women don’t think I am only interested in sex.)

Anyway, one-bedroom apartment for a 40-year-old man – is that a problem?

I think 40 year old women don’t want to be led on. Gross.

How about 30-year-old women?

[Anonymous]

Are you divorced? While I was dating and looking for marriage (26-30), I stopped dating men over 37 because the ones I had dated, had so many red flags and commitment issues. It was a little different for divorced men (although about half also had major red flags). If anyone is looking for marriage and kids, avoid men in their 40s if they’ve never been married.

[Anonymous]

How much time do you spend at the beach house, and do you maintain it yourself? What do you do when you are there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much time do you spend at the beach house, and do you maintain it yourself? What do you do when you are there?

That is a different person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious if you women would perceive this as a negative in the dating market, i.e. that’s too small a place for a 40-year-old or it may indicate I’m not serious about marriage. (Truthfully, I’m not interested in getting married but I don’t *lead* with that so women don’t think I am only interested in sex.)

OP, this is the only part of your explanation I really don't get. I wouldn't care that you had a 1 BR condo, nor that you spend a lot of time with your parents just as a fact on its own. There's nothing automatically weird or off about either of those circumstances. But I do find it weird you yourself say your condo may "indicate you're not serious about marriage" as a negative when...you actually aren't interested in marriage. That seems to imply you want to deliberately lead women on. If true, knock it off. But also, maybe I'm misreading and what you mean is you're open to honest relationships but worry you'll scare women off before they get to know if you if blurt out you don't want to get married on a first date - in which case, fair enough, just don't let it go too far if you think there's any misunderstanding developing. And please trust me, there will be TONS of women in their 40s+ who are interested in long-term relationships without wanting marriage, and who are probably interested in keeping their own places too.

In fact I'd bet more women would be interested in that setup than otherwise, especially with a guy who in your own words isn't interested in cooking, etc. because it's "too much work." That's great, you can just hang out and have fun together and then go to your own places and take care of yourselves! Win-win - as long as you're straight about it. I mean, heck, I consider myself happily married but if God forbid something happened to DH no way would I want to get married again. Too much work and I don't want some man constantly all up in my business and in my space needing care and feeding. I'd way rather just have a companion to go out with and travel and do fun stuff and have great sex and then go back to my nice peaceful home and life on my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious if you women would perceive this as a negative in the dating market, i.e. that’s too small a place for a 40-year-old or it may indicate I’m not serious about marriage. (Truthfully, I’m not interested in getting married but I don’t *lead* with that so women don’t think I am only interested in sex.)

OP, this is the only part of your explanation I really don't get. I wouldn't care that you had a 1 BR condo, nor that you spend a lot of time with your parents just as a fact on its own. There's nothing automatically weird or off about either of those circumstances. But I do find it weird you yourself say your condo may "indicate you're not serious about marriage" as a negative when...you actually aren't interested in marriage. That seems to imply you want to deliberately lead women on. If true, knock it off. But also, maybe I'm misreading and what you mean is you're open to honest relationships but worry you'll scare women off before they get to know if you if blurt out you don't want to get married on a first date - in which case, fair enough, just don't let it go too far if you think there's any misunderstanding developing. And please trust me, there will be TONS of women in their 40s+ who are interested in long-term relationships without wanting marriage, and who are probably interested in keeping their own places too.

In fact I'd bet more women would be interested in that setup than otherwise, especially with a guy who in your own words isn't interested in cooking, etc. because it's "too much work." That's great, you can just hang out and have fun together and then go to your own places and take care of yourselves! Win-win - as long as you're straight about it. I mean, heck, I consider myself happily married but if God forbid something happened to DH no way would I want to get married again. Too much work and I don't want some man constantly all up in my business and in my space needing care and feeding. I'd way rather just have a companion to go out with and travel and do fun stuff and have great sex and then go back to my nice peaceful home and life on my own.

Is he really going to travel and have fun and great sex, though? If cooking for one adult is just sooooo much woooooork for him, what else is he going to think is too much work?

I would run.

[Anonymous]

Hell.
I have a 42 year old male friend who LIVES with his parents. Zero plans to get married or ever move out.
No he's not gay, just something else I guess...

[Anonymous]

OP here. To clarify, I’m not divorced and have never been married. I wouldn’t describe myself as commitment-phobic; I just had some financial goals that I wanted to meet before getting bogged down in a relationship. Now that I have done that, I am definitely open to committed, long-term relationships, so I’m not leading anyone on. The couple of casual relationships I’ve had have been fun too.

While I’m not opposed to a long-term relationship, I think it’s very unlikely that I would want to cohabitate and almost certain that I would not want to marry. I just value my space and my privacy too much.

Lastly, I’m not sure why everyone is making it seem like cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. are no big deal. Isn’t this the same DCUM where everyone is stressed out and complaining about housework and all the “mental loads?“ (Granted, I don’t have kids but the other tasks are not insignificant.) Other than some work issues, I have zero stress in my life, and I love it that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, I’m not divorced and have never been married. I wouldn’t describe myself as commitment-phobic; I just had some financial goals that I wanted to meet before getting bogged down in a relationship. Now that I have done that, I am definitely open to committed, long-term relationships, so I’m not leading anyone on. The couple of casual relationships I’ve had have been fun too.

While I’m not opposed to a long-term relationship, I think it’s very unlikely that I would want to cohabitate and almost certain that I would not want to marry. I just value my space and my privacy too much.

Lastly, I’m not sure why everyone is making it seem like cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. are no big deal. Isn’t this the same DCUM where everyone is stressed out and complaining about housework and all the “mental loads?“ (Granted, I don’t have kids but the other tasks are not insignificant.) Other than some work issues, I have zero stress in my life, and I love it that way.

I hear you OP. These same DCUMers will be posting weekly about 'unfair' household balances and yes -- the mental load. Ready to scream at their spouses over unclean bathrooms and who is getting up for the 4AM feeding and the other partner not prioritizing paying for a cleaner. These are couples a year into marriage and 10 years into marriage it doesn't matter. Its always compromise and someone is often unhappy.

You like your life the way it is - nothing wrong with that and adding some companionship. Maybe you'll meet someone who makes the extra effort worth it but from these boards - that's a long(er) shot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, I’m not divorced and have never been married. I wouldn’t describe myself as commitment-phobic; I just had some financial goals that I wanted to meet before getting bogged down in a relationship. Now that I have done that, I am definitely open to committed, long-term relationships, so I’m not leading anyone on. The couple of casual relationships I’ve had have been fun too.

While I’m not opposed to a long-term relationship, I think it’s very unlikely that I would want to cohabitate and almost certain that I would not want to marry. I just value my space and my privacy too much.

Lastly, I’m not sure why everyone is making it seem like cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. are no big deal. Isn’t this the same DCUM where everyone is stressed out and complaining about housework and all the “mental loads?“ (Granted, I don’t have kids but the other tasks are not insignificant.) Other than some work issues, I have zero stress in my life, and I love it that way.

Omg. "Getting bogged down" is a funny way to describe a relationship. If it's the right one for you, it *helps* you achieve your goals. What you say is exactly what people who are afraid of commitment think.

Yes, DCUM is stressed out and complaining about the mental load. And one reason for that is men who have no domestic skills and no motivation to learn how to manage a household. Like you! You aren't actually taking care of yourself, you're leaning on your parents to cook and clean and provide your preferred home environment. Are you expecting a woman would do that for you too?

[Anonymous]

I'm a little older than OP, and choose a 3 BR SFH. The reason? No space in a 1 BR condo for my sex dungeon, and a rowhouse wouldn't work because the sex dungeon generates too much noise.

[Anonymous]

Well yes, I do find it stressful to care for a SFH, two young children and all of their needs and school stuff and sports, on top of working and maintaining a marriage and my own health and everything. That is stressful, for sure. But cooking and cleaning for one single adult who is me, would not be stressful at all! It would be downright pleasant because I could cook what I want and not have to cater to anyone else's tastes, and I wouldn't have to do any of the other things parents have to do for their children so I would have plenty of time. Can you really not see a difference there? You seem extremely oblivious and that is the red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. I wasn’t expecting the comments about the close relationship with my parents being a red flag.

I do eat dinner there two or three nights a week. I don’t cook; frankly, cooking, cleaning and everything that goes along with that seems like a tremendous amount of work that I never wanted to take on. The other nights I get takeout or eat leftovers. I do my own laundry and don’t sleep at my parents’ place.

The condo itself is nice – I actually had a decorator come in and set it up. To answer another poster, no one has ever mentioned the condo as a problem (though they may have thought it and not mentioned it. After all, I didn’t think my relationship with my parents was a problem but apparently DCUM thinks otherwise.)

I would be fine with this if I didn’t want marriage and kids. I think the closeness with parents is only an issue when ILs expect the couple (and eventually couple and kids) to keep coming over for dinner several times a week. If there is no marriage and no kids, no problem. If I get along well with the parents, great, I’ll go over there for dinner with you once in a while. Dislike them? No problem, I’d stay at my place when you were visiting with them.

[Anonymous]

So basically you don't cook or clean, and you enjoy hanging out in SFHs eating your parents' food? Seems like a hot date. Are you looking for a woman to maintain a SFH that you don't live in, and cook and clean it for you? Because you already have one and she's your mom.