What’s the end game plan for a cheating husband?

[Anonymous]

Mine was cheating for 6 years. We still had sex 2 times/week. He said he couldn’t decide for so long between 2 women.
Some men can be in love two women at same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For men like me in my mid-40s, it's more about satisfying a need that I do not get from my wife who is really, REALLY disinterested in sex (like 6-12x a year, in a good year, and get it over with). The end game is that I assume my libido will die down (it already has somewhat from my 20s and 30s) and maybe in a few years I won't care that much and we will live happily ever after.

The question of why I don't divorce is obvious. Kids and finances and stability. I tend to agree with the previous poster, if my wife doesn't want to have sex, she can divorce me, which of course she won't for the same reason.

Why do so many people care how men in sexless marriages handle this issue? It doesn't affect you.

You are only one person. The vast majority of cheaters are getting weekly sex at home. They aren’t in miserable marriages. They (gasp) even love their wives.

I don't know about "the vast majority" since the average sexual frequency for married men in their 40s is 1-2x a month and 20% are in sexless marriages. But for sure, some men cheat for variety which is a powerful motivation as well. Sorry it happened to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex. Companionship. Physical need. Emotional need.

This will shock woman, but men need attention also. Most often husbands cheat because they are lacking something at home: emotional support/attention, physical need, etc. it's sad generally people think men don't need these things. Thus the issues.

Attachment issues from their childhood. Newsflash: many were getting all of that, including sex. The need for external validation in large amounts stems from childhood wounds. Quit victim blaming.

What victim?

The one getting lied to, gaslit and exposed to diseases without their consent.

Not all wives and marriages are great. Look at all the posts from unsatisfied men. Some women are just not great wives -
Lazy, nag, never want sex, spendthrifts, emotionally cold. Why is this woman always the victim? Seems like husband cheating is karma. Not all wives are victims.

Then get a friggin divorce.

+1000. End of thread. I don't why this stupid argument keeps on recurring when the solution is just divorce. It's not easy to go through it but the right solution. Who cares if monogamy is difficult for you or you believe your wife isn't doing x/yx/z in a marriage---go fu..ing divorce her. It's the selfish people who post on here to justify cheating because. ...pick a reason. Who cares about your reasons?

When you see grey divorces I assume this is the case. Men hang around till the youngest leaves for college then they divorce. So men divorce but cheat until the kids are out of the house. Seems fair, why should the kids have to suffer the consequences of divorce just because one parent decides they are done having sex?

The consequences of divorce are lifelong.

Not really. My divorce has barely affected my life except in a positive way.

No, hon. Lifelong for the children. You missed it.

And this in a nutshell sums up the narcissism of cheaters - not even thinking how their actions impact others. I guarantee you, this character flaw informs every other aspect of his life including why and what kind of sex he is not getting from his wife.

I think sex is a critical aspect of life, but I don’t think a person is entitled to lie to get it. Be up front - say the sex inside the marriage isn’t enough for you. Allow your wife to know what’s going on and make her own decisions. Negotiate. Divorce openly.

My kids’ lives were badly damaged by my husband’s cheating (done while he was having sex with me multiple times a week). Their lives were further damaged by his lack of empathy which carried over to being (or not) a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For men like me in my mid-40s, it's more about satisfying a need that I do not get from my wife who is really, REALLY disinterested in sex (like 6-12x a year, in a good year, and get it over with). The end game is that I assume my libido will die down (it already has somewhat from my 20s and 30s) and maybe in a few years I won't care that much and we will live happily ever after.

The question of why I don't divorce is obvious. Kids and finances and stability. I tend to agree with the previous poster, if my wife doesn't want to have sex, she can divorce me, which of course she won't for the same reason.

Why do so many people care how men in sexless marriages handle this issue? It doesn't affect you.

You are only one person. The vast majority of cheaters are getting weekly sex at home. They aren’t in miserable marriages. They (gasp) even love their wives.

It does affect me. The culture of tolerance of cheating in the marriage and the acceptance of men lying about the sex they are getting in marriage does affect me. The lying and manipulation around sex gives the liar power in the dyad and makes sex fundamentally non-consensual - both for the wife and the AP. My now ex DH was cheating. He had sex with me 2-4 times a week. He never complained about quality or quantity. At the same time, he was writing the AP emails about how he wasn’t having sex with me and was just with me out of some kind of obligation. Nothing could have been further from the truth - if he didn’t want to be with me, I certainly didn’t want him. When he was confronted and I offered to divorce, he was crying and begging to stay with me - a surprise to the AP, who clearly was unaware of the true status of his relationship.

Ultimately, I cut him loose because that amount of lying and manipulation is sociopathic. Women are not so eager for marriage that they are willing to stay - knowingly - in that environment. And, I say “knowingly” because it took some real sleuthing on my part to uncover what was going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For men like me in my mid-40s, it's more about satisfying a need that I do not get from my wife who is really, REALLY disinterested in sex (like 6-12x a year, in a good year, and get it over with). The end game is that I assume my libido will die down (it already has somewhat from my 20s and 30s) and maybe in a few years I won't care that much and we will live happily ever after.

The question of why I don't divorce is obvious. Kids and finances and stability. I tend to agree with the previous poster, if my wife doesn't want to have sex, she can divorce me, which of course she won't for the same reason.

Why do so many people care how men in sexless marriages handle this issue? It doesn't affect you.

You are only one person. The vast majority of cheaters are getting weekly sex at home. They aren’t in miserable marriages. They (gasp) even love their wives.

It does affect me. The culture of tolerance of cheating in the marriage and the acceptance of men lying about the sex they are getting in marriage does affect me. The lying and manipulation around sex gives the liar power in the dyad and makes sex fundamentally non-consensual - both for the wife and the AP. My now ex DH was cheating. He had sex with me 2-4 times a week. He never complained about quality or quantity. At the same time, he was writing the AP emails about how he wasn’t having sex with me and was just with me out of some kind of obligation. Nothing could have been further from the truth - if he didn’t want to be with me, I certainly didn’t want him. When he was confronted and I offered to divorce, he was crying and begging to stay with me - a surprise to the AP, who clearly was unaware of the true status of his relationship.

Ultimately, I cut him loose because that amount of lying and manipulation is sociopathic. Women are not so eager for marriage that they are willing to stay - knowingly - in that environment. And, I say “knowingly” because it took some real sleuthing on my part to uncover what was going on.

Aha- mine was exactly the same. He was telling his AP how unhappy he was in our marriage, but happily traveled with me and son, had very happy face on all family photos, thanked the wife for support in his career, always initiated sex with me on Sundays after our morning jog (in the shower, on the table etc.).

I think cheaters are definitely sociopaths. He never talked to me about something being wrong in the marriage. I suggested family and sex therapy when discovering cheating, and he refused

[Anonymous]

As others have stated, every person is different and so is every marriage and every cheater.

From a woman, Alice Walker, that has written two books after interviewing countless users of Ashley Madison:

"Where a lack of sexual satisfaction at home motivates women to seek out affairs, men crave the emotional connection and support their spouse neglects to provide. For married women, their own orgasms and sexual pleasure motivated them, while for men hearing praise for their sexual prowess made men feel worthy and manly. It is the cry for external validation, particularly at a low point in middle age. Articulating that feeling of under-appreciation and asking, “Why aren’t you interested in me anymore?” can be a very hard thing to do. How did it come to this? An inequality of the division of household labor results in some long-held resentment on the part of their wives. Possibly it’s simply that household chores, her job and childcare dominated their wives’ time and energy, leaving nothing left for their husbands. Regardless, these men internalized the dynamics in those relationships as a condemnation of them and their masculinity. To them, their wives treat sex as a chore and lack all enthusiasm about it. Men internalize that disinterest as, “I’m not good enough” and “I’m a disappointment.” They feel undervalued not only as a sexual partner, but as a person. Their outside partners function as the person to whom they go for that praise and recognition. And more often than not, just one “monogamous” affair partner is all they need, unlike studies that show many married women, prefer to maintain several concurrent affairs."

A total disinterest in changing their home life exists as a common understanding between affair partners. That is, they prefer the life they share with their spouse. As I mentioned, these men carry a deep love for their wife and 96% of them have absolutely no interest in leaving the marriage. One participant says:

“[My outside partner and I] know that we do not desire a change in our primary partners. We are not ‘in love.’ We enjoy each other, thank each other, and go back to our lives. My wife is my best friend. I enjoy her immensely. Our personalities match well. Our goals are well aligned, as I believe are the goals of my outside partner.”

These men were in real pain before they decided to cheat, both from the neglect they were facing and the realization that the reality of marriage didn’t line up with their expectations. For many, part of that pain persists knowing that the woman who’s now satisfying their needs isn’t the one woman they ultimately want that satisfaction from: Their wife.

Would these men be happiest with just their wife? Contrary to the common “men can’t resist temptation” narrative, yes, they would be (most men actually enjoy monogamy and are often far less interested in the idea of an open marriage than women are). But circumstances change and reality sets in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine was cheating for 6 years. We still had sex 2 times/week. He said he couldn’t decide for so long between 2 women.
Some men can be in love two women at same time.

What did he decide? Did you know the entire six years? How old were your kids and did they know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For men like me in my mid-40s, it's more about satisfying a need that I do not get from my wife who is really, REALLY disinterested in sex (like 6-12x a year, in a good year, and get it over with). The end game is that I assume my libido will die down (it already has somewhat from my 20s and 30s) and maybe in a few years I won't care that much and we will live happily ever after.

The question of why I don't divorce is obvious. Kids and finances and stability. I tend to agree with the previous poster, if my wife doesn't want to have sex, she can divorce me, which of course she won't for the same reason.

Why do so many people care how men in sexless marriages handle this issue? It doesn't affect you.

You are only one person. The vast majority of cheaters are getting weekly sex at home. They aren’t in miserable marriages. They (gasp) even love their wives.

It does affect me. The culture of tolerance of cheating in the marriage and the acceptance of men lying about the sex they are getting in marriage does affect me. The lying and manipulation around sex gives the liar power in the dyad and makes sex fundamentally non-consensual - both for the wife and the AP. My now ex DH was cheating. He had sex with me 2-4 times a week. He never complained about quality or quantity. At the same time, he was writing the AP emails about how he wasn’t having sex with me and was just with me out of some kind of obligation. Nothing could have been further from the truth - if he didn’t want to be with me, I certainly didn’t want him. When he was confronted and I offered to divorce, he was crying and begging to stay with me - a surprise to the AP, who clearly was unaware of the true status of his relationship.

Ultimately, I cut him loose because that amount of lying and manipulation is sociopathic. Women are not so eager for marriage that they are willing to stay - knowingly - in that environment. And, I say “knowingly” because it took some real sleuthing on my part to uncover what was going on.

What did you do to find all this out? So did he end up with the AP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex. Companionship. Physical need. Emotional need.

This will shock woman, but men need attention also. Most often husbands cheat because they are lacking something at home: emotional support/attention, physical need, etc. it's sad generally people think men don't need these things. Thus the issues.

Attachment issues from their childhood. Newsflash: many were getting all of that, including sex. The need for external validation in large amounts stems from childhood wounds. Quit victim blaming.

What victim?

The one getting lied to, gaslit and exposed to diseases without their consent.

Not all wives and marriages are great. Look at all the posts from unsatisfied men. Some women are just not great wives -
Lazy, nag, never want sex, spendthrifts, emotionally cold. Why is this woman always the victim? Seems like husband cheating is karma. Not all wives are victims.

Then get a friggin divorce.

+1000. End of thread. I don't why this stupid argument keeps on recurring when the solution is just divorce. It's not easy to go through it but the right solution. Who cares if monogamy is difficult for you or you believe your wife isn't doing x/yx/z in a marriage---go fu..ing divorce her. It's the selfish people who post on here to justify cheating because. ...pick a reason. Who cares about your reasons?

When you see grey divorces I assume this is the case. Men hang around till the youngest leaves for college then they divorce. So men divorce but cheat until the kids are out of the house. Seems fair, why should the kids have to suffer the consequences of divorce just because one parent decides they are done having sex?

The consequences of divorce are lifelong.

Not really. My divorce has barely affected my life except in a positive way.

No, hon. Lifelong for the children. You missed it.

My toxic marriage was the worst thing for my children. Getting divorced and keeping them with me-not easy as a man-was the best thing. I only regret I didn't do it sooner.

I don't quite see how cheating was necessary to accomplish that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As others have stated, every person is different and so is every marriage and every cheater.

From a woman, Alice Walker, that has written two books after interviewing countless users of Ashley Madison:

"Where a lack of sexual satisfaction at home motivates women to seek out affairs, men crave the emotional connection and support their spouse neglects to provide. For married women, their own orgasms and sexual pleasure motivated them, while for men hearing praise for their sexual prowess made men feel worthy and manly. It is the cry for external validation, particularly at a low point in middle age. Articulating that feeling of under-appreciation and asking, “Why aren’t you interested in me anymore?” can be a very hard thing to do. How did it come to this? An inequality of the division of household labor results in some long-held resentment on the part of their wives. Possibly it’s simply that household chores, her job and childcare dominated their wives’ time and energy, leaving nothing left for their husbands. Regardless, these men internalized the dynamics in those relationships as a condemnation of them and their masculinity. To them, their wives treat sex as a chore and lack all enthusiasm about it. Men internalize that disinterest as, “I’m not good enough” and “I’m a disappointment.” They feel undervalued not only as a sexual partner, but as a person. Their outside partners function as the person to whom they go for that praise and recognition. And more often than not, just one “monogamous” affair partner is all they need, unlike studies that show many married women, prefer to maintain several concurrent affairs."

A total disinterest in changing their home life exists as a common understanding between affair partners. That is, they prefer the life they share with their spouse. As I mentioned, these men carry a deep love for their wife and 96% of them have absolutely no interest in leaving the marriage. One participant says:

“[My outside partner and I] know that we do not desire a change in our primary partners. We are not ‘in love.’ We enjoy each other, thank each other, and go back to our lives. My wife is my best friend. I enjoy her immensely. Our personalities match well. Our goals are well aligned, as I believe are the goals of my outside partner.”

These men were in real pain before they decided to cheat, both from the neglect they were facing and the realization that the reality of marriage didn’t line up with their expectations. For many, part of that pain persists knowing that the woman who’s now satisfying their needs isn’t the one woman they ultimately want that satisfaction from: Their wife.

Would these men be happiest with just their wife? Contrary to the common “men can’t resist temptation” narrative, yes, they would be (most men actually enjoy monogamy and are often far less interested in the idea of an open marriage than women are). But circumstances change and reality sets in.

That is spot on what happened to me, e.g., spouse had AM AP. I had a terminally ill parent and kids and a job. Even when parent was in remission I was so emotionally upset and internalized pain and didn’t want to be a burden. I shell up so he never knew what I was going through. Communication, opening up and being vulnerable. was never my strong point as I come from a very stoic family. Spouse took all of that as a rejection of him instead of realizing the profound effect my father’s long illness was having on me. As I managed the grief, father passed and I began to be more like myself our relationship went back to being like it was prior and happiness returned. I began coming out of a depression I never knew was there and masked so well. Only now I had to deal with confession of what he had been doing behind my back. He came from a childhood of deep neglect and never processed it. So when I shut down it brought out a ton of unprocessed emotion and that need for external validation was overwhelming. He was incredibly helpful to my mother, family and I when all this was going on, stepping up and I couldn’t understand how he could be that way while doing what he did. Needless to say a lot of individual therapy for him and couples therapy has unpacked so much. We were best friends with a deep love and it was soul crushing, especially on the tail of getting over loss of a beloved parent.

Every situation, every marriage, every cheater, every betrayed spouse, length of marriage, etc. is different so you can’t paint it all with one brush. But, ultimately, cheating in a long marriage is one of the most painful, trauma-inducing things you can do to someone. And, you can only go by the actions of the cheater after, the history and quality of the marriage prior. It never will be the same after breaking someone’s trust that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As others have stated, every person is different and so is every marriage and every cheater.

From a woman, Alice Walker, that has written two books after interviewing countless users of Ashley Madison:

"Where a lack of sexual satisfaction at home motivates women to seek out affairs, men crave the emotional connection and support their spouse neglects to provide. For married women, their own orgasms and sexual pleasure motivated them, while for men hearing praise for their sexual prowess made men feel worthy and manly. It is the cry for external validation, particularly at a low point in middle age. Articulating that feeling of under-appreciation and asking, “Why aren’t you interested in me anymore?” can be a very hard thing to do. How did it come to this? An inequality of the division of household labor results in some long-held resentment on the part of their wives. Possibly it’s simply that household chores, her job and childcare dominated their wives’ time and energy, leaving nothing left for their husbands. Regardless, these men internalized the dynamics in those relationships as a condemnation of them and their masculinity. To them, their wives treat sex as a chore and lack all enthusiasm about it. Men internalize that disinterest as, “I’m not good enough” and “I’m a disappointment.” They feel undervalued not only as a sexual partner, but as a person. Their outside partners function as the person to whom they go for that praise and recognition. And more often than not, just one “monogamous” affair partner is all they need, unlike studies that show many married women, prefer to maintain several concurrent affairs."

A total disinterest in changing their home life exists as a common understanding between affair partners. That is, they prefer the life they share with their spouse. As I mentioned, these men carry a deep love for their wife and 96% of them have absolutely no interest in leaving the marriage. One participant says:

“[My outside partner and I] know that we do not desire a change in our primary partners. We are not ‘in love.’ We enjoy each other, thank each other, and go back to our lives. My wife is my best friend. I enjoy her immensely. Our personalities match well. Our goals are well aligned, as I believe are the goals of my outside partner.”

These men were in real pain before they decided to cheat, both from the neglect they were facing and the realization that the reality of marriage didn’t line up with their expectations. For many, part of that pain persists knowing that the woman who’s now satisfying their needs isn’t the one woman they ultimately want that satisfaction from: Their wife.

Would these men be happiest with just their wife? Contrary to the common “men can’t resist temptation” narrative, yes, they would be (most men actually enjoy monogamy and are often far less interested in the idea of an open marriage than women are). But circumstances change and reality sets in.

This is really interesting, and as a man who has cheated, it does resonate more than I thought. While I wouldn't be so quick to minimize the orgasm part, there is definitely a feeling of total abandonment when my wife treats sex as a chore to be endured 6x a year. If I had a loving wife, cheating wouldn't be so tiempting.

I am sorry to the previous posters who had loads of great sex and still got cheated on. Whether your case represents the norm or a minority, I don't know, but I know a lot of married friends who have wives completely disinterested in sex. They are lonely, I am lonely, we deal with it differently.

[Anonymous]

^ I am one of the pps that always had sex. I never denied him. But, I will readily admit as I was busy, having trauma about parents illness it was more “duty like” at that time. We always had passion, good sex, but during emotional turmoil all I could offer was myself. The miscommunication was very big about that. It felt particularly hurtful to be cheated on when you are willing to do it (duty) even when going through tremendous internal pain (again not communicated or understood). But he readily admits (as bravado as he is, outgoing appears, so confident), his self esteem was at all time low then and he felt less manly, that I didn’t love him, etc. That’s what drove him to find a monogamous married NSA as stated in that article vs a guy with a sex addiction just doing randos. It was the external validation more than the person of the sex, which admittedly neither was not that great. So much resonated with that article for me too and it is hard to read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ I am one of the pps that always had sex. I never denied him. But, I will readily admit as I was busy, having trauma about parents illness it was more “duty like” at that time. We always had passion, good sex, but during emotional turmoil all I could offer was myself. The miscommunication was very big about that. It felt particularly hurtful to be cheated on when you are willing to do it (duty) even when going through tremendous internal pain (again not communicated or understood). But he readily admits (as bravado as he is, outgoing appears, so confident), his self esteem was at all time low then and he felt less manly, that I didn’t love him, etc. That’s what drove him to find a monogamous married NSA as stated in that article vs a guy with a sex addiction just doing randos. It was the external validation more than the person of the sex, which admittedly neither was not that great. So much resonated with that article for me too and it is hard to read.

Interesting, since we are anonymous....our issue has been going on a decade and getting worse. I have tried endlessly to get my wife back interested. I am attractive, successful, etc. I think part of it is how she feels about herself and part of it is natural waning of attraction after 15 years of marriage. But you hit a point where you realize, I will never, ever, ever have sex with someone who actually wants to have sex with me unless I have an affair or divorce and divorce isn't so easy. Affairs are.

I am sorry about your pain.

[Anonymous]

Whyyyyyy do people defend cheating???

It seems like it’s so obvious that it hurts people but people do all sorts of mental gymnastics to justify it. He started it by being mean! I have sexual needs that weren’t being met! It’s okay because my spouse never found out!

Even if somebody is inclined to empathize with cheaters, how is there no consensus that cheating hurts people, it’s wrong to hurt people, so cheating is wrong?

I swear some of these people saying that cheating isn’t a big deal would also get up in arms about backing out of a social engagement or forgetting to send a written thank you card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ I am one of the pps that always had sex. I never denied him. But, I will readily admit as I was busy, having trauma about parents illness it was more “duty like” at that time. We always had passion, good sex, but during emotional turmoil all I could offer was myself. The miscommunication was very big about that. It felt particularly hurtful to be cheated on when you are willing to do it (duty) even when going through tremendous internal pain (again not communicated or understood). But he readily admits (as bravado as he is, outgoing appears, so confident), his self esteem was at all time low then and he felt less manly, that I didn’t love him, etc. That’s what drove him to find a monogamous married NSA as stated in that article vs a guy with a sex addiction just doing randos. It was the external validation more than the person of the sex, which admittedly neither was not that great. So much resonated with that article for me too and it is hard to read.

Your h cheated because he was jealous that your attention went to sick and ailing parents.

FFS, you married a man-child