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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As others have stated, every person is different and so is every marriage and every cheater.

From a woman, Alice Walker, that has written two books after interviewing countless users of Ashley Madison:

"Where a lack of sexual satisfaction at home motivates women to seek out affairs, men crave the emotional connection and support their spouse neglects to provide.  For married women, their own orgasms and sexual pleasure motivated them, [b]while for men hearing praise for their sexual prowess made men feel worthy and manly.  It is the cry for external validation, particularly at a low point in middle age. [/b] Articulating that feeling of under-appreciation and asking, “Why aren’t you interested in me anymore?” can be a very hard thing to do.  How did it come to this?  An inequality of the division of household labor results in some long-held resentment on the part of their wives. Possibly it’s simply that household chores, her job and childcare dominated their wives’ time and energy, leaving nothing left for their husbands. Regardless, these men internalized the dynamics in those relationships as a condemnation of them and their masculinity.  To them, their wives treat sex as a chore and lack all enthusiasm about it. Men internalize that disinterest as, “I’m not good enough” and “I’m a disappointment.” They feel undervalued not only as a sexual partner, but as a person. Their outside partners function as the person to whom they go for that praise and recognition. And more often than not, just one “monogamous” affair partner is all they need, unlike studies that show many married women, prefer to maintain several concurrent affairs."

A total disinterest in changing their home life exists as a common understanding between affair partners. That is, they prefer the life they share with their spouse. As I mentioned, these men carry a deep love for their wife and 96% of them have absolutely no interest in leaving the marriage. One participant says:

“[My outside partner and I] know that we do not desire a change in our primary partners. We are not ‘in love.’ We enjoy each other, thank each other, and go back to our lives. My wife is my best friend. I enjoy her immensely. Our personalities match well. Our goals are well aligned, as I believe are the goals of my outside partner.”

These men were in real pain before they decided to cheat, both from the neglect they were facing and the realization that the reality of marriage didn’t line up with their expectations. For many, part of that pain persists knowing that the woman who’s now satisfying their needs isn’t the one woman they ultimately want that satisfaction from: Their wife.

Would these men be happiest with just their wife? Contrary to the common “men can’t resist temptation” narrative, yes, they would be (most men actually enjoy monogamy and are often far less interested in the idea of an open marriage than women are). But circumstances change and reality sets in. [/quote]

That is spot on what happened to me, e.g., spouse had AM AP. I had a terminally ill parent and kids and a job.  Even when parent was in remission I was so emotionally upset and internalized pain and didn’t want to be a burden.  I shell up so he never knew what I was going through.  Communication, opening up and being vulnerable. was never my strong point as I come from a very stoic family.  Spouse took all of that as a rejection of him instead of realizing the profound effect my father’s long illness was having on me.  As I managed the grief, father passed and I began to be more like myself our relationship went back to being like it was prior and happiness returned.  I began coming out of a depression I never knew was there and masked so well.  Only now I had to deal with confession of what he had been doing behind my back.  He came from a childhood of deep neglect and never processed it.  So when I shut down it brought out a ton of unprocessed emotion and that need for external validation was overwhelming.  He was incredibly helpful to my mother, family and I when all this was going on, stepping up and I couldn’t understand how he could be that way while doing what he did.  Needless to say a lot of individual therapy for him and couples therapy has unpacked so much.  We were best friends with a deep love and it was soul crushing, especially on the tail of getting over loss of a beloved parent.

Every situation, every marriage, every cheater, every betrayed spouse, length of marriage, etc. is different so you can’t paint it all with one brush.  But, ultimately, cheating in a long marriage is one of the most painful, trauma-inducing things you can do to someone.  And, you can only go by the actions of the cheater after, the history and quality of the marriage prior.  It never will be the same after breaking someone’s trust that way.
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