What’s the end game plan for a cheating husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not mental illness, it’s libido and wanting sex and knowing how to get it and not getting caught. Period. That’s all it is.

When you're living a double life. Willing to put yourself and family at risk with a stranger it means there's a mental problem afoot. Stable people know how to address problems, not create more.

Yes it's a form of mental wellness. Sorry cheaters - you are the problem.

You don’t get to define what mental illness is just because you got cheated on. You got cheated on. So did I. Get over it.

Sorry you're still having difficulty from being a cheater. Therapy might help. Cheating affects the mental health of the cheater and their victim fyi. This has been well written about, and a good therapist could explain it to you as well.

But cheaters don't always cheat with strangers. Cheaters cheat with friends, colleagues, exes. As well as strangers. I'd say most start as somebody known.

I doubt you have any clue what most cheaters do. All APs were previously unknown to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^^^ for the PP above, you keep arguing for men in sexless marriages to keep the wife's feelings as his primary concern but men who are sexually cut off really don't feel that need to protect and honor their wives. Make sense?

And if you men and women in true sexless marriages describe being "betrayed" there isn't the sense of anger you imagine. The marriage is long over by that point

This thread was “cheating men”, not “cheating men in sexless marriages”. A huge number of cheating men have regular weekly sex with their wives.

Sorry, but No. The overwhelming majority of married men who cheat do NOT “have regular weekly sex with their wives”. Men who are sexually satisfied at home are not motivated to do all the ridiculous work necessary for a married man to cheat.

By far most men who cheat are in sexless marriages. They are motivated and will do whatever it takes. This isn’t really cheating at all, it is the practical and accepted way to save a sexless marriage.

This.
I would guess the majority of cheating men are in between - not completely sexless but not regular weekly sex either. Perhaps something like 6-12 times a year. I am a woman and I don't consider this frequency to be acceptable if both spouses are under 50 without major health issues.

Some people cheat getting lots of sex, have a very high sex drive and some never cheat even when sex is almost non-existent.

Nobody knows. Many, many men cheat in very good marriages. Most of the people I know had healthy sex lives when an affair was discovered--at least weekly--and when it was a ONS even more had normal sex lives at home.

It's a justification many use for their actions.

Do you think J-Lo never had sex with A-Rod, Aniston with Pitt, or Beyonce with Jay-Z or Jackie with JFK? It's ludicrous to blame the victims. Yes, men having regular sex with their wives cheat. And men with dysfunction and very high sex drives cheat even when they have healthy marital sex lives.

Tiger had 2 children in the short span he was with Uchitel. Some people are just pigs.

I’m going to go out on a limb regarding Tiger. Maybe this applies to other cheaters too. I think Tiger respected his wife too much to treat her like the over the top porn star type he for some reason craved. I think a lot of those high powered types are so used to excitement and drama, they need that circus in their personal lives as well. But on the home front, they need to maintain normalcy to maintain their public persona of respectable individual. So these two dynamics clash until it reaches a scandalous breaking point. There’s no amount of beauty, goodness or fame on the part of the betrayed wife that would have prevented this train wreck.

Look, this is true for men that have attachment issues and grew up in dysfunctional households with alcoholic or cheating parents, or even just neglect. They compartmentalize and are hollow on the inside. They may appear successful, good-looking, happy, etc., but they need they CRAVE external validation and flattery from other women to fill that void, numb that pain. Their wife could be g-damn Mother Theresa, Jenna Jameson in the sack and total hottie, and they will still cheat on her. They can 'love her' and never want to hurt on her and STILL cheat on her. A lot of you COMPLETELY miss that cheaters cheat because of what is wrong inside. It's a ME problem, not a them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^^^ for the PP above, you keep arguing for men in sexless marriages to keep the wife's feelings as his primary concern but men who are sexually cut off really don't feel that need to protect and honor their wives. Make sense?

And if you men and women in true sexless marriages describe being "betrayed" there isn't the sense of anger you imagine. The marriage is long over by that point

This thread was “cheating men”, not “cheating men in sexless marriages”. A huge number of cheating men have regular weekly sex with their wives.

Sorry, but No. The overwhelming majority of married men who cheat do NOT “have regular weekly sex with their wives”. Men who are sexually satisfied at home are not motivated to do all the ridiculous work necessary for a married man to cheat.

By far most men who cheat are in sexless marriages. They are motivated and will do whatever it takes. This isn’t really cheating at all, it is the practical and accepted way to save a sexless marriage.

This.
I would guess the majority of cheating men are in between - not completely sexless but not regular weekly sex either. Perhaps something like 6-12 times a year. I am a woman and I don't consider this frequency to be acceptable if both spouses are under 50 without major health issues.

Some people cheat getting lots of sex, have a very high sex drive and some never cheat even when sex is almost non-existent.

Nobody knows. Many, many men cheat in very good marriages. Most of the people I know had healthy sex lives when an affair was discovered--at least weekly--and when it was a ONS even more had normal sex lives at home.

It's a justification many use for their actions.

Do you think J-Lo never had sex with A-Rod, Aniston with Pitt, or Beyonce with Jay-Z or Jackie with JFK? It's ludicrous to blame the victims. Yes, men having regular sex with their wives cheat. And men with dysfunction and very high sex drives cheat even when they have healthy marital sex lives.

Tiger had 2 children in the short span he was with Uchitel. Some people are just pigs.

I’m going to go out on a limb regarding Tiger. Maybe this applies to other cheaters too. I think Tiger respected his wife too much to treat her like the over the top porn star type he for some reason craved. I think a lot of those high powered types are so used to excitement and drama, they need that circus in their personal lives as well. But on the home front, they need to maintain normalcy to maintain their public persona of respectable individual. So these two dynamics clash until it reaches a scandalous breaking point. There’s no amount of beauty, goodness or fame on the part of the betrayed wife that would have prevented this train wreck.

Look, this is true for men that have attachment issues and grew up in dysfunctional households with alcoholic or cheating parents, or even just neglect. They compartmentalize and are hollow on the inside. They may appear successful, good-looking, happy, etc., but they need they CRAVE external validation and flattery from other women to fill that void, numb that pain. Their wife could be g-damn Mother Theresa, Jenna Jameson in the sack and total hottie, and they will still cheat on her. They can 'love her' and never want to hurt on her and STILL cheat on her. A lot of you COMPLETELY miss that cheaters cheat because of what is wrong inside. It's a ME problem, not a them.

Prior to meeting my now exDH, I had never been exposed to alcoholism. When he told me, while we were dating, that his mom was an alcoholic and had been to rehab several times, I could tell by his tome and body language that the experience still made him angry. But, I had zero understanding about the extreme family dysfunction that causes and what a shadow it would cause on our relationship. An alcoholic parent was definitely the root cause of his desire to live a double life. He learned to present outwardly as a nice family and secretly do what he wanted from his own mother and father. I think he was genuinely shocked that once I found out his secret drinking and cheating, that I would end our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Option 1: Divorce, divide family time, assets, probably have to sell the kids home, have trouble paying for their college, possibly lose social standing, put the kids on a custody schedule.

Option 2: Hopefully avoid all of this, and find someone to satisfy a need that is neglected in the marriage, stay married and sane.

It's this simple. And to the extend you expect men to have a sense of loyalty to not cheat, I promise you they will never feel a sense of sexual fidelity to someone they aren't having sex with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Option 1: Divorce, divide family time, assets, probably have to sell the kids home, have trouble paying for their college, possibly lose social standing, put the kids on a custody schedule.

Option 2: Hopefully avoid all of this, and find someone to satisfy a need that is neglected in the marriage, stay married and sane.

It's this simple. And to the extend you expect men to have a sense of loyalty to not cheat, I promise you they will never feel a sense of sexual fidelity to someone they aren't having sex with.

Most are having sex. Marriages have phases. Not every moment is a Hollywood romance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Option 1: Divorce, divide family time, assets, probably have to sell the kids home, have trouble paying for their college, possibly lose social standing, put the kids on a custody schedule.

Option 2: Hopefully avoid all of this, and find someone to satisfy a need that is neglected in the marriage, stay married and sane.

It's this simple. And to the extend you expect men to have a sense of loyalty to not cheat, I promise you they will never feel a sense of sexual fidelity to someone they aren't having sex with.

Most are having sex. Marriages have phases. Not every moment is a Hollywood romance.

Yep. Read 11:54 of “signs of a narcissist” thread. Right there explains 99% of cheaters. It’s almost always the cause of the cheater that the marriage has grown less intimate, they’re emotional abuse has caused a spouse to walk themselves off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Option 1: Divorce, divide family time, assets, probably have to sell the kids home, have trouble paying for their college, possibly lose social standing, put the kids on a custody schedule.

Option 2: Hopefully avoid all of this, and find someone to satisfy a need that is neglected in the marriage, stay married and sane.

Option 3: Find someone additional to have sex with and wait until spouse accidentally stumbles across affair and divorces me at most inopportune time causing me to endure all consequences of Option 1 plus imposing betrayal trauma consequences on kids and STBX wife and permanently damaging those relationships.

It's this simple. And to the extent you expect men to have a sense of loyalty to not cheat, I promise you they will never feel a sense of sexual fidelity to someone they aren't having sex with.

FTFY.

BTW, it’s not about a sense of loyalty not to cheat. It’s about expecting men having a sense of dignity and self-worth and respect for others not to live a life that is a lie and a manipulation of others - about men not believing the are entitled to lie and secretly manipulate others to get what you want.

Newsflash - marriage does not entitle you in perpetuity to sex from your wife of whatever style and frequency you “need”. That belief is an extension of the concept of marital rape. Yes, sex is important. Yes, if you’re not getting enough, you’re entitled to decide that, on balance, you would prefer to leave the marriage. You are not entitled to lie to someone else to secretly get sex outside the marriage in order to maintain a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Option 1: Divorce, divide family time, assets, probably have to sell the kids home, have trouble paying for their college, possibly lose social standing, put the kids on a custody schedule.

Option 2: Hopefully avoid all of this, and find someone to satisfy a need that is neglected in the marriage, stay married and sane.

Option 3: Find someone additional to have sex with and wait until spouse accidentally stumbles across affair and divorces me at most inopportune time causing me to endure all consequences of Option 1 plus imposing betrayal trauma consequences on kids and STBX wife and permanently damaging those relationships.

It's this simple. And to the extent you expect men to have a sense of loyalty to not cheat, I promise you they will never feel a sense of sexual fidelity to someone they aren't having sex with.

FTFY.

BTW, it’s not about a sense of loyalty not to cheat. It’s about expecting men having a sense of dignity and self-worth and respect for others not to live a life that is a lie and a manipulation of others - about men not believing the are entitled to lie and secretly manipulate others to get what you want.

Newsflash - marriage does not entitle you in perpetuity to sex from your wife of whatever style and frequency you “need”. That belief is an extension of the concept of marital rape. Yes, sex is important. Yes, if you’re not getting enough, you’re entitled to decide that, on balance, you would prefer to leave the marriage. You are not entitled to lie to someone else to secretly get sex outside the marriage in order to maintain a marriage.

All of what you say is true. It's logical and in a perfect world it's ethical too.

All I was pointing out is that two other things are also true. 1) if a man isn't satisfied in a marriage he is going to look outside the marriage at some point. Especially if the marriage is sexless or near sexless. 2) when faced with a choice of leaving his family and disrupting his finances or finding an easy way to satisfy a need that does none of those but might hurt a woman whom he is not emotionally connected to, it's an easy decision.

You seem to feel personally attacked by this. I know some men cheat even when satisfied at home and if they happened to you I am sorry. It's the women (and men) who neglect their spouses but cry crocodile tears when cheated on that I roll my eyes at

[Anonymous]

Happiness. Hopefully he will find a better partner that gives him what he needs so he isn’t forced to cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Happiness. Hopefully he will find a better partner that gives him what he needs so he isn’t forced to cheat.

Some say it’s just a physical release.

If it’s happiness, how would he keep from falling in love?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^^^ for the PP above, you keep arguing for men in sexless marriages to keep the wife's feelings as his primary concern but men who are sexually cut off really don't feel that need to protect and honor their wives. Make sense?

And if you men and women in true sexless marriages describe being "betrayed" there isn't the sense of anger you imagine. The marriage is long over by that point

This thread was “cheating men”, not “cheating men in sexless marriages”. A huge number of cheating men have regular weekly sex with their wives.

Sorry, but No. The overwhelming majority of married men who cheat do NOT “have regular weekly sex with their wives”. Men who are sexually satisfied at home are not motivated to do all the ridiculous work necessary for a married man to cheat.

By far most men who cheat are in sexless marriages. They are motivated and will do whatever it takes. This isn’t really cheating at all, it is the practical and accepted way to save a sexless marriage.

This will still be BS no matter how many times you repeat it. Just FYI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Happiness. Hopefully he will find a better partner that gives him what he needs so he isn’t forced to cheat.

No one is “forced to cheat.” That’s the talk of a 12 year old boy, not a man. “Mom, yeah, I did it, but it’s not my fault. They MADE ME DO IT!!!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happiness. Hopefully he will find a better partner that gives him what he needs so he isn’t forced to cheat.

No one is “forced to cheat.” That’s the talk of a 12 year old boy, not a man. “Mom, yeah, I did it, but it’s not my fault. They MADE ME DO IT!!!”

Yes that pp is very disturbed and likely blames others for all their failings in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^^^ for the PP above, you keep arguing for men in sexless marriages to keep the wife's feelings as his primary concern but men who are sexually cut off really don't feel that need to protect and honor their wives. Make sense?

And if you men and women in true sexless marriages describe being "betrayed" there isn't the sense of anger you imagine. The marriage is long over by that point

This thread was “cheating men”, not “cheating men in sexless marriages”. A huge number of cheating men have regular weekly sex with their wives.

Sorry, but No. The overwhelming majority of married men who cheat do NOT “have regular weekly sex with their wives”. Men who are sexually satisfied at home are not motivated to do all the ridiculous work necessary for a married man to cheat.

By far most men who cheat are in sexless marriages. They are motivated and will do whatever it takes. This isn’t really cheating at all, it is the practical and accepted way to save a sexless marriage.

This will still be BS no matter how many times you repeat it. Just FYI.

And no matter how many ways Dan savage or anyone else says it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happiness. Hopefully he will find a better partner that gives him what he needs so he isn’t forced to cheat.

Some say it’s just a physical release.

If it’s happiness, how would he keep from falling in love?

Men don't usually leave for their APs because even if it's great sex, it doesn't mean they are compatible life partners. Women can surely relate to this. Ever had that boyfriend that was great in bed but you knew it wouldn't work?

So it's sex but sex is a healthy part of life and loneliness is a big predictor of early death