What’s the end game plan for a cheating husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends on the man and the situation. Some women on DCUM seem to want to categorize all cheaters in one camp. That they all have the same end game and cheat for the same reason. It doesn’t work like that. For some men, they just want more sex. For other men, they want out of their marriages and they are open to a reason to leave.

Some men I’ve known cheat because they can. For them, men are only as faithful as their opportunities. They have the ability to cheat and largely not get caught. They cheat because new sex is hot for most men and they can. They don’t necessarily want to leave their wife/children, so they cheat instead of leave and divorce.

Some men are just living and meet someone they want more. They are complacent in the marriage, but probably wouldn’t marry the same woman again. They don’t leave, because things aren’t terrible, but they are easily lead astray when someone better comes along. These men don’t affair down, they affair up to someone they perceive is better - younger, more attractive, isn’t a habitual nag, sex positive, brings in an income. This is how I started with DH. We met, quickly fell in love, he told his wife that month he was leaving her, and they were divorced 8 months later. They didn’t have kids and he walked away with all this assets. He just didn’t want to be married to his X anymore.

So what happens when your DH meets someone he perceives is better than you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep going until the wife ends it and /or the OWs life is ruined.

Sometimes the man ends it and confesses before the wife finds out or even suspected anything. I know: your mind is blown.

These have the best chance for not relapsing and getting help.

I think online most married women cheaters (think exit affair plan), most married men cheaters have zero plan other than getting their rocks off and if they can find a discrete, way to do this they reason nobody will get hurt. Cake and eat it too.

Discreet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on the man and the situation. Some women on DCUM seem to want to categorize all cheaters in one camp. That they all have the same end game and cheat for the same reason. It doesn’t work like that. For some men, they just want more sex. For other men, they want out of their marriages and they are open to a reason to leave.

Some men I’ve known cheat because they can. For them, men are only as faithful as their opportunities. They have the ability to cheat and largely not get caught. They cheat because new sex is hot for most men and they can. They don’t necessarily want to leave their wife/children, so they cheat instead of leave and divorce.

Some men are just living and meet someone they want more. They are complacent in the marriage, but probably wouldn’t marry the same woman again. They don’t leave, because things aren’t terrible, but they are easily lead astray when someone better comes along. These men don’t affair down, they affair up to someone they perceive is better - younger, more attractive, isn’t a habitual nag, sex positive, brings in an income. This is how I started with DH. We met, quickly fell in love, he told his wife that month he was leaving her, and they were divorced 8 months later. They didn’t have kids and he walked away with all this assets. He just didn’t want to be married to his X anymore.

I have honestly never seen a man that, at least on the surface, has affair-ed up. But I have met many OW who think that they have.

I have. 3 times. And they all married the OW. Those marriages are not 15+ years and outlasted the first marriages.

[Anonymous]

Now 15+ years. Typo above

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on the man and the situation. Some women on DCUM seem to want to categorize all cheaters in one camp. That they all have the same end game and cheat for the same reason. It doesn’t work like that. For some men, they just want more sex. For other men, they want out of their marriages and they are open to a reason to leave.

Some men I’ve known cheat because they can. For them, men are only as faithful as their opportunities. They have the ability to cheat and largely not get caught. They cheat because new sex is hot for most men and they can. They don’t necessarily want to leave their wife/children, so they cheat instead of leave and divorce.

Some men are just living and meet someone they want more. They are complacent in the marriage, but probably wouldn’t marry the same woman again. They don’t leave, because things aren’t terrible, but they are easily lead astray when someone better comes along. These men don’t affair down, they affair up to someone they perceive is better - younger, more attractive, isn’t a habitual nag, sex positive, brings in an income. This is how I started with DH. We met, quickly fell in love, he told his wife that month he was leaving her, and they were divorced 8 months later. They didn’t have kids and he walked away with all this assets. He just didn’t want to be married to his X anymore.

I have honestly never seen a man that, at least on the surface, has affair-ed up. But I have met many OW who think that they have.

I have. 3 times. And they all married the OW. Those marriages are not 15+ years and outlasted the first marriages.

I was that full of myself OW. He divorced his 1st wife after 5 years of marriage. I was 25 when he married me. He cheated on me, too after 15 years together. We are now divorcing and he will remarry for 3rd time.
With a divorced man never say never. Those who divorced once take cheating and another divorce easier, they are often incapable of forming deep family attachment to anyone.
They just marry a woman that fits their physical, emotional or financial needs at that stage of their life. The needs change - the wives change, too.

[Anonymous]

I have two friends like this. Both in their 40s-50s. They just want sex, which they aren't getting in their marriage. They still want to "grow old" with their wife and kids. I'm guessing the end game is their libido will die down in a few years (or no women will want them), then they'll cut if off and go back to their pre-cheating life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two friends like this. Both in their 40s-50s. They just want sex, which they aren't getting in their marriage. They still want to "grow old" with their wife and kids. I'm guessing the end game is their libido will die down in a few years (or no women will want them), then they'll cut if off and go back to their pre-cheating life.

I know a few that are having sex in their marriage (they have said as much), but they all cheat in their circle. From all appearances, they seem to really love their wives. Their wives are pretty, fun-loving, have careers, etc. Midlife crisises are strange.

Most cheaters like this have something internal going on. Issues that having nothing to do with their spouse. Knowing the wives, I can’t imagine any of them would stay married if they found out what was happening behind their backs. They definitely would not be okay with it.

Maybe I’m naive. I read 65% of long marriages will have infidelity at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on the man and the situation. Some women on DCUM seem to want to categorize all cheaters in one camp. That they all have the same end game and cheat for the same reason. It doesn’t work like that. For some men, they just want more sex. For other men, they want out of their marriages and they are open to a reason to leave.

Some men I’ve known cheat because they can. For them, men are only as faithful as their opportunities. They have the ability to cheat and largely not get caught. They cheat because new sex is hot for most men and they can. They don’t necessarily want to leave their wife/children, so they cheat instead of leave and divorce.

Some men are just living and meet someone they want more. They are complacent in the marriage, but probably wouldn’t marry the same woman again. They don’t leave, because things aren’t terrible, but they are easily lead astray when someone better comes along. These men don’t affair down, they affair up to someone they perceive is better - younger, more attractive, isn’t a habitual nag, sex positive, brings in an income. This is how I started with DH. We met, quickly fell in love, he told his wife that month he was leaving her, and they were divorced 8 months later. They didn’t have kids and he walked away with all this assets. He just didn’t want to be married to his X anymore.

I have honestly never seen a man that, at least on the surface, has affair-ed up. But I have met many OW who think that they have.

I have. 3 times. And they all married the OW. Those marriages are not 15+ years and outlasted the first marriages.

I was that full of myself OW. He divorced his 1st wife after 5 years of marriage. I was 25 when he married me. He cheated on me, too after 15 years together. We are now divorcing and he will remarry for 3rd time.
With a divorced man never say never. Those who divorced once take cheating and another divorce easier, they are often incapable of forming deep family attachment to anyone.
They just marry a woman that fits their physical, emotional or financial needs at that stage of their life. The needs change - the wives change, too.

+1

Story as old as time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really depends on the guy, the type of relationship with the OW, and the nature of the marriage.

In most cases the plan is cake-eating until something happens to upset the balance.

+100

Or they can't live with the guilt and shame anymore and find out it really wasn't the stress reliever/escape they imagined it would be. A lot like growing up (or out of the midlife crisis).

This was me. I had a really hard time about 15-20 years into marriage. I became disillusioned with myself and life. I felt I needed some type of escape, something for just me. No end game or plan, just not to get caught. It didn’t line up with the person I wanted to be and over time I was in a bad place, much worse.

I came clean. I got help. It was incredibly hard to see the pain I caused. It was devastating for my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Sex. Companionship. Physical need. Emotional need.

This will shock woman, but men need attention also. Most often husbands cheat because they are lacking something at home: emotional support/attention, physical need, etc. it's sad generally people think men don't need these things. Thus the issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sex. Companionship. Physical need. Emotional need.

This will shock woman, but men need attention also. Most often husbands cheat because they are lacking something at home: emotional support/attention, physical need, etc. it's sad generally people think men don't need these things. Thus the issues.

Attachment issues from their childhood. Newsflash: many were getting all of that, including sex. The need for external validation in large amounts stems from childhood wounds. Quit victim blaming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep going until the wife ends it and /or the OWs life is ruined.

You have that turned around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex. Companionship. Physical need. Emotional need.

This will shock woman, but men need attention also. Most often husbands cheat because they are lacking something at home: emotional support/attention, physical need, etc. it's sad generally people think men don't need these things. Thus the issues.

Attachment issues from their childhood. Newsflash: many were getting all of that, including sex. The need for external validation in large amounts stems from childhood wounds. Quit victim blaming.

What victim?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Probably no end game plan. Probably just getting it while he can.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep going until the wife ends it and /or the OWs life is ruined.

You have that turned around.

What, you think the OW ends it and the wife’s life is ruined? That seldom happens.