Reply to What’s the end game plan for a cheating husband?

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[quote=Anonymous]As others have stated, every person is different and so is every marriage and every cheater.

From a woman, Alice Walker, that has written two books after interviewing countless users of Ashley Madison:

"Where a lack of sexual satisfaction at home motivates women to seek out affairs, men crave the emotional connection and support their spouse neglects to provide.  For married women, their own orgasms and sexual pleasure motivated them, [b]while for men hearing praise for their sexual prowess made men feel worthy and manly.  It is the cry for external validation, particularly at a low point in middle age. [/b] Articulating that feeling of under-appreciation and asking, “Why aren’t you interested in me anymore?” can be a very hard thing to do.  How did it come to this?  An inequality of the division of household labor results in some long-held resentment on the part of their wives. Possibly it’s simply that household chores, her job and childcare dominated their wives’ time and energy, leaving nothing left for their husbands. Regardless, these men internalized the dynamics in those relationships as a condemnation of them and their masculinity.  To them, their wives treat sex as a chore and lack all enthusiasm about it. Men internalize that disinterest as, “I’m not good enough” and “I’m a disappointment.” They feel undervalued not only as a sexual partner, but as a person. Their outside partners function as the person to whom they go for that praise and recognition. And more often than not, just one “monogamous” affair partner is all they need, unlike studies that show many married women, prefer to maintain several concurrent affairs."

A total disinterest in changing their home life exists as a common understanding between affair partners. That is, they prefer the life they share with their spouse. As I mentioned, these men carry a deep love for their wife and 96% of them have absolutely no interest in leaving the marriage. One participant says:

“[My outside partner and I] know that we do not desire a change in our primary partners. We are not ‘in love.’ We enjoy each other, thank each other, and go back to our lives. My wife is my best friend. I enjoy her immensely. Our personalities match well. Our goals are well aligned, as I believe are the goals of my outside partner.”

These men were in real pain before they decided to cheat, both from the neglect they were facing and the realization that the reality of marriage didn’t line up with their expectations. For many, part of that pain persists knowing that the woman who’s now satisfying their needs isn’t the one woman they ultimately want that satisfaction from: Their wife.

Would these men be happiest with just their wife? Contrary to the common “men can’t resist temptation” narrative, yes, they would be (most men actually enjoy monogamy and are often far less interested in the idea of an open marriage than women are). But circumstances change and reality sets in. [/quote]

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