How do you deal with not having the life you wanted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I find so fascinating about ‘well educated’ women like you is that you feel that being well educated makes you entitled to a high income marriage, 2 beautiful kids healthy kids in private school and in a desireable neighborhood.

And when this doesn’t happen, women like you get depressed. Nothing is guaranteed in life and you should have taken all of this into consideration.

Huh? Taken it into consideration before what? Aside from being incredibly rude this post makes no sense.

And she can’t spell

This comment is so stupid. It’s obvious an unintentional spelling mistake was made. Probably on iPhone.

Oh great. This weeks' woman-hater is back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I find so fascinating about ‘well educated’ women like you is that you feel that being well educated makes you entitled to a high income marriage, 2 beautiful kids healthy kids in private school and in a desireable neighborhood.

And when this doesn’t happen, women like you get depressed. Nothing is guaranteed in life and you should have taken all of this into consideration.

What’s wrong with wanting these things? It’s what (white) women are socialized to want in our society.

Ummm no. That’s what YOU want in this society.

The average white woman in America does not have a college degree. Let alone, make six figures. The delusion is real on this forum. Why are white people constantly referred to as upper class and hyper educated. Most white people live average lives just like other races.

Last, white women are not having children as before sooo..??

Fine. This is what MC-UC hyper educated white women have been socialized to want. Happy now? You know it's true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand all of these posters who is telling OP that married folks with kids and outwardly lovely lives must be secretly miserable. That's just not true and I think people know it. There are people who have spouses and families who are truly happy and that's okay.

OP, lots of people face challenges that disrupt their life expectations. For some it's divorce, but chronic disease, cancer, kids with special needs, job loss due to a recession, serious injury due to an accident, etc, can also have a hugely disruptive and negative impact. Life isn't fair. Some people are just luckier. All you can do is play the hands you are dealt. Do the best to find your own happiness and be proud of what you've overcome.

I think you are misreading (I believe I'm one of the PPs you are talking about). I don't think people who are married with kids are secretly miserably (I am married with a kid and am very happy). It is more that I wanted to remind OP that it's possible some of the people she envies because they are married or have a second kid or a big house, may actually be envying her right back.

I am very happily married but still sometimes envy my single mom friend, and my single childless friends, because they don't have to get another adult on board with every single life decision they make. I have a good friend who is in her 40s, never married and no kids, and she spent half the pandemic traveling around, working remotely from beach houses and friends homes and mountain cabins. It looked great! I could never do that. Meanwhile, I have a friend who is a single mother to three kids, and when I discuss things like schools or activities with her, I envy how many of those choices she gets to make just on her own, with no or minimal input from the kids' dad, who is a bum and chooses not to be involved. On the one hand, that is tough for her. And on the other hand: freedom.

I know another family that seems to have it all, and take amazing vacations twice a year. But I know because they are close friends that those vacations are paid for by the wife's parents, and while they enjoy them and are grateful for the opportunity, that as the years go on tension has arisen because it's become a bit of an obligation and they kind of wish they could plan their own vacations at this point. Doesn't mean they aren't happy, just that what seems like an amazing life on the outside is more complicated and even less fun on the inside.

So my point was not that the people she envies are secretly miserable, but that there is no absolute good and that all situations are a bit of compromise. There are aspects of OP's situation that many would envy, even living in a rental apartment instead of a home they have to care for (lots of us who have had a surprise maintenance expense pop up have thought fondly of our rental days in that moment). I was simply trying to offer the perspective that OP's life is not as bad, and the people she envies not as great, as it might seem at first glance.

This is still all about comparing yourself with others. It's a terrible way to look at the world. Who cares if your single friend gets to travel? Who cares who pays for your friends' travel? Do you want to travel more? Then figure out how to make it happen. Your travel ability to travel doesn't depend on their travel schedule. Your happiness doesn't depend on theirs. Just focus on what you need in your life to be happy. Play your own hand. Be content in your own choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I get it. My situation is a little different, but the underlying problem is the same, in that my circumstances always feel worse off than most of my peers. I am lucky in many ways (including with my wonderful kid) but that doesn't mean I don't sometimes feel frustrated, especially that I can't give my kid the same opportunities that my friend's kids are getting.

The biggest advice I can give is to steer clear of people who seem to primarily value and talk about material goods and status. What I have learned in the past few years is that even though most if not all of our friends are pretty well off and successful, some of them really value having stuff or having status more than others. And I've learned to just kind of give those folks a wide berth, and also to identify them in my head so that when they say things that can trigger my feelings of comparison or inferiority ("All the public schools here are awful, so glad we decided to go private for middle school"), I can remind myself that this is their value system and I don't have to take it personally. So I don't.

I've also found that even among my friends who have more than me, there are people who envy me. Like I know a number of people who envy my kid specifically, and I get it because she's a pretty special person. A lot of that is just her -- I have to give her credit because she deserves it. But I do sometimes wonder if some of her strong character comes from the way I am raising her, and the fact that I have to get creative when it comes to exposing her to new things and encouraging her interests, because I can't just pull out a credit card at every turn like most of my friends can. I think in many ways that's given her a more interesting and varied life, and that contributes to her being such a thoughtful, interesting person. She is growing up in a home where we have to try and problem solve all the time just to do the things we want, and I think that's benefitting her in the long run in a way that trips to Disneyland or being enrolled in every activity under the sun would not.

Pay attention to when people seem to envy you. I bet you have friends in bad marriages who envy your divorce and the fact that you have more independence in the way you parent, for instance. I bet you have friends with two kids who envy that you just have one. People might not envy your apartment, but remember that often their big new houses are something they focus on and brag about to cover up for some other disappointments.

People say comparison is the thief of joy, and while it can be, I also think it's inevitable. But don't tilt the scales. Yes, having money and a partner can be great. But they aren't the only things that make life worth living, by a long shot. If you're going to compare, don't just look at the metrics that make you feel bad. Look at where you're succeeding, too.

NP. I LOVE THIS. Thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, as a data-driven culture we should be much more vocal about the vast material evidence that shows who you marry is the choice you make with the single greatest impact on your life; more than money, career success, health, even children, the person you spend your life with will give your life immeasurable meaning or misery. A good marriage is a game-changer, and people belittling the grieving that takes place after a divorce are out of their minds. It’s like a death of a life that could have been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, as a data-driven culture we should be much more vocal about the vast material evidence that shows who you marry is the choice you make with the single greatest impact on your life; more than money, career success, health, even children, the person you spend your life with will give your life immeasurable meaning or misery. A good marriage is a game-changer, and people belittling the grieving that takes place after a divorce are out of their minds. It’s like a death of a life that could have been.

This is true and I think more and more women realize this. Hence, the decrease of marriage and motherhood. Women are opting out all together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand all of these posters who is telling OP that married folks with kids and outwardly lovely lives must be secretly miserable. That's just not true and I think people know it. There are people who have spouses and families who are truly happy and that's okay.

OP, lots of people face challenges that disrupt their life expectations. For some it's divorce, but chronic disease, cancer, kids with special needs, job loss due to a recession, serious injury due to an accident, etc, can also have a hugely disruptive and negative impact. Life isn't fair. Some people are just luckier. All you can do is play the hands you are dealt. Do the best to find your own happiness and be proud of what you've overcome.

I think you are misreading (I believe I'm one of the PPs you are talking about). I don't think people who are married with kids are secretly miserably (I am married with a kid and am very happy). It is more that I wanted to remind OP that it's possible some of the people she envies because they are married or have a second kid or a big house, may actually be envying her right back.

I am very happily married but still sometimes envy my single mom friend, and my single childless friends, because they don't have to get another adult on board with every single life decision they make. I have a good friend who is in her 40s, never married and no kids, and she spent half the pandemic traveling around, working remotely from beach houses and friends homes and mountain cabins. It looked great! I could never do that. Meanwhile, I have a friend who is a single mother to three kids, and when I discuss things like schools or activities with her, I envy how many of those choices she gets to make just on her own, with no or minimal input from the kids' dad, who is a bum and chooses not to be involved. On the one hand, that is tough for her. And on the other hand: freedom.

I know another family that seems to have it all, and take amazing vacations twice a year. But I know because they are close friends that those vacations are paid for by the wife's parents, and while they enjoy them and are grateful for the opportunity, that as the years go on tension has arisen because it's become a bit of an obligation and they kind of wish they could plan their own vacations at this point. Doesn't mean they aren't happy, just that what seems like an amazing life on the outside is more complicated and even less fun on the inside.

So my point was not that the people she envies are secretly miserable, but that there is no absolute good and that all situations are a bit of compromise. There are aspects of OP's situation that many would envy, even living in a rental apartment instead of a home they have to care for (lots of us who have had a surprise maintenance expense pop up have thought fondly of our rental days in that moment). I was simply trying to offer the perspective that OP's life is not as bad, and the people she envies not as great, as it might seem at first glance.

This was so well said.

And I can’t stand the saying “comparison is the thief of joy.”

It’s human nature to compare.

Again, well said. A lot of mother envy single women!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand all of these posters who is telling OP that married folks with kids and outwardly lovely lives must be secretly miserable. That's just not true and I think people know it. There are people who have spouses and families who are truly happy and that's okay.

OP, lots of people face challenges that disrupt their life expectations. For some it's divorce, but chronic disease, cancer, kids with special needs, job loss due to a recession, serious injury due to an accident, etc, can also have a hugely disruptive and negative impact. Life isn't fair. Some people are just luckier. All you can do is play the hands you are dealt. Do the best to find your own happiness and be proud of what you've overcome.

I think you are misreading (I believe I'm one of the PPs you are talking about). I don't think people who are married with kids are secretly miserably (I am married with a kid and am very happy). It is more that I wanted to remind OP that it's possible some of the people she envies because they are married or have a second kid or a big house, may actually be envying her right back.

I am very happily married but still sometimes envy my single mom friend, and my single childless friends, because they don't have to get another adult on board with every single life decision they make. I have a good friend who is in her 40s, never married and no kids, and she spent half the pandemic traveling around, working remotely from beach houses and friends homes and mountain cabins. It looked great! I could never do that. Meanwhile, I have a friend who is a single mother to three kids, and when I discuss things like schools or activities with her, I envy how many of those choices she gets to make just on her own, with no or minimal input from the kids' dad, who is a bum and chooses not to be involved. On the one hand, that is tough for her. And on the other hand: freedom.

I know another family that seems to have it all, and take amazing vacations twice a year. But I know because they are close friends that those vacations are paid for by the wife's parents, and while they enjoy them and are grateful for the opportunity, that as the years go on tension has arisen because it's become a bit of an obligation and they kind of wish they could plan their own vacations at this point. Doesn't mean they aren't happy, just that what seems like an amazing life on the outside is more complicated and even less fun on the inside.

So my point was not that the people she envies are secretly miserable, but that there is no absolute good and that all situations are a bit of compromise. There are aspects of OP's situation that many would envy, even living in a rental apartment instead of a home they have to care for (lots of us who have had a surprise maintenance expense pop up have thought fondly of our rental days in that moment). I was simply trying to offer the perspective that OP's life is not as bad, and the people she envies not as great, as it might seem at first glance.

This is still all about comparing yourself with others. It's a terrible way to look at the world. Who cares if your single friend gets to travel? Who cares who pays for your friends' travel? Do you want to travel more? Then figure out how to make it happen. Your travel ability to travel doesn't depend on their travel schedule. Your happiness doesn't depend on theirs. Just focus on what you need in your life to be happy. Play your own hand. Be content in your own choices.

It’s hard to be content with a life you never desired.

I think this needs to be acknowledged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I find so fascinating about ‘well educated’ women like you is that you feel that being well educated makes you entitled to a high income marriage, 2 beautiful kids healthy kids in private school and in a desireable neighborhood.

And when this doesn’t happen, women like you get depressed. Nothing is guaranteed in life and you should have taken all of this into consideration.

What’s wrong with wanting these things? It’s what (white) women are socialized to want in our society.

Ummm no. That’s what YOU want in this society.

The average white woman in America does not have a college degree. Let alone, make six figures. The delusion is real on this forum. Why are white people constantly referred to as upper class and hyper educated. Most white people live average lives just like other races.

Last, white women are not having children as before sooo..??

Fine. This is what MC-UC hyper educated white women have been socialized to want. Happy now? You know it's true.

NP, but I’m not sure why you’re so focused on the “white” piece of this. I don’t think you’re wrong about the principle that UMC women are socialized to want the lifestyle you describe, but IME it’s not a racial thing, it’s a class and peer group thing. Many nonwhite women want/have this too. I’m one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, as a data-driven culture we should be much more vocal about the vast material evidence that shows who you marry is the choice you make with the single greatest impact on your life; more than money, career success, health, even children, the person you spend your life with will give your life immeasurable meaning or misery. A good marriage is a game-changer, and people belittling the grieving that takes place after a divorce are out of their minds. It’s like a death of a life that could have been.

This is true and I think more and more women realize this. Hence, the decrease of marriage and motherhood. Women are opting out all together.

That’s sad. There is so much data showing that a good marriage makes your life easier, happier and healthier. Every bad thing in life is made slightly more bearable by a good partner. For all the money we pour into fixing education, we could make children‘s futures markedly better by teaching them how to be good spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should move to a place that makes you feel like less of a failure (and isn’t a second rate local school for your kid). Where do you live now and what is your housing budget? What does your custody agreement require in terms of schools?

I live in Anne Arundel Co where people are more normal. I think you’d be happier.

This. Why on earth did you move into a rental with a crappy school when you have a kid?

Find a good public school district and move there, even if it means a 1-BR or less nice rental. Figure out a career path to make more money. Assuming you're in the DMV area, look into IT consulting. Lots of positions don't require coding skills, like being a tester. You start with a low salary but there's lots of room to grow and get higher paying jobs with some experience.

OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with a bad situation right now. You do need to take some responsibility and turn things around. You picked a low paying profession and chose to live in a place with a crappy school for your kid. If you're paying for a 2-bedroom, then you likely could afford someone's basement apartment or some other apartment in a good school district for the same rent you're paying now. Recognize that you're making choices all along and take more ownership over that. You'll have more control over your life and it will make you much happier. Take care.

OP here and Im not sure why you assume I picked a low paying profession. I have a graduate degree and make $200K. It’s still not enough for that life as I got a late start and need to save.

OMG. And you're still miserable? There's probably not hope for you without a major shift in priorities.

+1. OP, I'm the pp who assumed you picked a low paying career because you're acting like you're forced into poverty. My advice still stands: find a place in a better public school district for the same rent, even if it means taking a 1 BR or place that isn't as nice as your current one.

So help me lord if you come back and say that your kid already goes to a top public but you're bitter and calling it a "sh!t public" because it isn't Sidwell, then you're on your own.

[Anonymous]

It’s not having what you want, its wanting what you’ve got. OK, cheesy Cheryl Crowe lyric, but seriously... I might be one of those friends you envy (beautiful house, 2 good kids in private school, good job). But what you dont know: I didn’t really want kids, I let my husband talk me into it, and imagined we’d have a long life and share the burden. Instead, he hid his alcoholism from me and them and everyone around us for years, until it finally couldnt be hidden and we had to divorce. I still have the beautiful house and kids and job, but i’m a single mom 60% of the time and I never wanted to be a mom at all. So yeah, not where i thought I’d be, even though I expect people envy me or did until my marriage visibly fell apart.

So how do I deal? I definitely try not to compare. I try to avoid ‘friends’ who make me feel bad even if unintentionally (for me it’s not the rich ones, its the ones with lots of relationship advice and expectations about my dating or whatever, or who only talk about their awesome marriages). I try very hard to enjoy what is different - I plan every evening my kids arent with me so i do something I enjoy and don’t wallow. And mostly, I think, I look forward instead of revisiting where I thought I’d be. I still have choices and I try to feel empowered by them instead of handicapped. I do wallow sometimes, but honestly what’s the point?

[Anonymous]

OP,

I was in similar circumstances. I am in my mid-50, divorced, with two kids, and earning in the low $300K. I moved into a 2 bedroom apartment after we split because my daughter (who was then a junior in high school at the time) wanted to live with me.

About two months after we split, my friends (neighbors from my former neighborhood) invited me over for dinner. They are a great couple (very attractive, both come from wealthy families and both have high-paying jobs.) They have kids the same age as mine, one of whom is severely disabled.

They invited me over because they were worried I was lonely. After dinner, the husband went to intubate their son (it was his turn that night) and the wife stayed to talk to me and tell me that if I ever needed them I call at any time. I ask her how they could be so giving while dealing with so much, and she told me that they found that giving made them happier. AT the end of the day, they believe that focusing on what they gave instead of what they had made them happy.

I know others have talked about how considering that others are less fortunate can help a person gain a perspective on what they have instead of what they do not have. I am not sure that is always true. I do believe that truly giving (i.e., helping whenever possible) does make you happier.

I lack the strength my friends showed me, and I still sometimes feel like I deserve better. However, I do try to give as often as I can and it does help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, as a data-driven culture we should be much more vocal about the vast material evidence that shows who you marry is the choice you make with the single greatest impact on your life; more than money, career success, health, even children, the person you spend your life with will give your life immeasurable meaning or misery. A good marriage is a game-changer, and people belittling the grieving that takes place after a divorce are out of their minds. It’s like a death of a life that could have been.

This is true and I think more and more women realize this. Hence, the decrease of marriage and motherhood. Women are opting out all together.

But that is foolish. The answer to something with 50/50 odds of winnings isn’t to not play at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand all of these posters who is telling OP that married folks with kids and outwardly lovely lives must be secretly miserable. That's just not true and I think people know it. There are people who have spouses and families who are truly happy and that's okay.

OP, lots of people face challenges that disrupt their life expectations. For some it's divorce, but chronic disease, cancer, kids with special needs, job loss due to a recession, serious injury due to an accident, etc, can also have a hugely disruptive and negative impact. Life isn't fair. Some people are just luckier. All you can do is play the hands you are dealt. Do the best to find your own happiness and be proud of what you've overcome.

I think you are misreading (I believe I'm one of the PPs you are talking about). I don't think people who are married with kids are secretly miserably (I am married with a kid and am very happy). It is more that I wanted to remind OP that it's possible some of the people she envies because they are married or have a second kid or a big house, may actually be envying her right back.

I am very happily married but still sometimes envy my single mom friend, and my single childless friends, because they don't have to get another adult on board with every single life decision they make. I have a good friend who is in her 40s, never married and no kids, and she spent half the pandemic traveling around, working remotely from beach houses and friends homes and mountain cabins. It looked great! I could never do that. Meanwhile, I have a friend who is a single mother to three kids, and when I discuss things like schools or activities with her, I envy how many of those choices she gets to make just on her own, with no or minimal input from the kids' dad, who is a bum and chooses not to be involved. On the one hand, that is tough for her. And on the other hand: freedom.

I know another family that seems to have it all, and take amazing vacations twice a year. But I know because they are close friends that those vacations are paid for by the wife's parents, and while they enjoy them and are grateful for the opportunity, that as the years go on tension has arisen because it's become a bit of an obligation and they kind of wish they could plan their own vacations at this point. Doesn't mean they aren't happy, just that what seems like an amazing life on the outside is more complicated and even less fun on the inside.

So my point was not that the people she envies are secretly miserable, but that there is no absolute good and that all situations are a bit of compromise. There are aspects of OP's situation that many would envy, even living in a rental apartment instead of a home they have to care for (lots of us who have had a surprise maintenance expense pop up have thought fondly of our rental days in that moment). I was simply trying to offer the perspective that OP's life is not as bad, and the people she envies not as great, as it might seem at first glance.

This is still all about comparing yourself with others. It's a terrible way to look at the world. Who cares if your single friend gets to travel? Who cares who pays for your friends' travel? Do you want to travel more? Then figure out how to make it happen. Your travel ability to travel doesn't depend on their travel schedule. Your happiness doesn't depend on theirs. Just focus on what you need in your life to be happy. Play your own hand. Be content in your own choices.

It’s hard to be content with a life you never desired.

I think this needs to be acknowledged.

Focusing on flaws in other people's lives ultimately doesn't make you feel any better. It may feel better temporarily, but not in the long run. It's far better to focus on getting what you want out of your own life.