How do you deal with not having the life you wanted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I find so fascinating about ‘well educated’ women like you is that you feel that being well educated makes you entitled to a high income marriage, 2 beautiful kids healthy kids in private school and in a desireable neighborhood.

And when this doesn’t happen, women like you get depressed. Nothing is guaranteed in life and you should have taken all of this into consideration.

OP, I hope you are letting all of the comments like this bounce off your psyche. "Women like you" is so dismissive and so unnecessary. I know you trusted in the choices that you made, with the information that you had and the understanding of yourself as you did then. Perhaps you would choose differently now, or maybe you would not choose differently now, but I hear you that you are in tough place and that's a painful place too. Your journey is yours alone, and the people you meet all have different paths as well. Cherish those who are kind and ignore those who are not. Each individual's behavior reflects them. Your dignity and value is inherent regardless of what things look like on the outside to anyone else. You are smart and capable and worthy of your time and your interest in your own affairs. I hope you will take heart in your strength and goodness and take care of yourself with the same amount of concern and kindness as you have done for others.

ps also consider getting a physical and screenings for anxiety and depression; both/either will rob you of every good element in your life and blind you to the problem that you actually may be navigating

Take care of yourself, there is only one of you!

[Anonymous]

OP, I really think you need some therapy, because if you’re making $200K and you can’t see how privileged you are despite divorce and public school, I don’t know what yo say.

@200K you can live in a 2 BR in Wilson or BCC school districts, both of which are good.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is nothing wrong about a 2br apartment. There are people without running water and modern sewage, and you're complaining about only having a 2br apartment in one of the wealthiest cities in one of the wealthiest countries in America.

Lastly, there is more to life than material things. Internalize that truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I find so fascinating about ‘well educated’ women like you is that you feel that being well educated makes you entitled to a high income marriage, 2 beautiful kids healthy kids in private school and in a desireable neighborhood.

And when this doesn’t happen, women like you get depressed. Nothing is guaranteed in life and you should have taken all of this into consideration.

OP, I hope you are letting all of the comments like this bounce off your psyche. "Women like you" is so dismissive and so unnecessary. I know you trusted in the choices that you made, with the information that you had and the understanding of yourself as you did then. Perhaps you would choose differently now, or maybe you would not choose differently now, but I hear you that you are in tough place and that's a painful place too. Your journey is yours alone, and the people you meet all have different paths as well. Cherish those who are kind and ignore those who are not. Each individual's behavior reflects them. Your dignity and value is inherent regardless of what things look like on the outside to anyone else. You are smart and capable and worthy of your time and your interest in your own affairs. I hope you will take heart in your strength and goodness and take care of yourself with the same amount of concern and kindness as you have done for others.

ps also consider getting a physical and screenings for anxiety and depression; both/either will rob you of every good element in your life and blind you to the problem that you actually may be navigating

Take care of yourself, there is only one of you!

This is such powerful and considerate advice, if you listen to nothing else take these words from PP and tie them around your heart. You have a very enjoyable road ahead if you plan your route. Even if there are a few roadblocks along the way. I wish you the best of goodwill and favorable return in the journey(s).

[Anonymous]

Maybe it would help to step back and think about why you feel entitled to a beautiful house and top schools. Nothing is owed to you by anyone. You do not automatically deserve a big house just for being well-educated, sorry. Perhaps consider moving to a lower cost of living area where your money will go further and people are less prestige oriented than DC. There are many parts of the country where 200K is a very good household income. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should move to a place that makes you feel like less of a failure (and isn’t a second rate local school for your kid). Where do you live now and what is your housing budget? What does your custody agreement require in terms of schools?

I live in Anne Arundel Co where people are more normal. I think you’d be happier.

This. Why on earth did you move into a rental with a crappy school when you have a kid?

Find a good public school district and move there, even if it means a 1-BR or less nice rental. Figure out a career path to make more money. Assuming you're in the DMV area, look into IT consulting. Lots of positions don't require coding skills, like being a tester. You start with a low salary but there's lots of room to grow and get higher paying jobs with some experience.

OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with a bad situation right now. You do need to take some responsibility and turn things around. You picked a low paying profession and chose to live in a place with a crappy school for your kid. If you're paying for a 2-bedroom, then you likely could afford someone's basement apartment or some other apartment in a good school district for the same rent you're paying now. Recognize that you're making choices all along and take more ownership over that. You'll have more control over your life and it will make you much happier. Take care.

OP here and Im not sure why you assume I picked a low paying profession. I have a graduate degree and make $200K. It’s still not enough for that life as I got a late start and need to save.

OP, do you have high student debt? I would be thrilled to be earning $200K/year!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should move to a place that makes you feel like less of a failure (and isn’t a second rate local school for your kid). Where do you live now and what is your housing budget? What does your custody agreement require in terms of schools?

I live in Anne Arundel Co where people are more normal. I think you’d be happier.

This. Why on earth did you move into a rental with a crappy school when you have a kid?

Find a good public school district and move there, even if it means a 1-BR or less nice rental. Figure out a career path to make more money. Assuming you're in the DMV area, look into IT consulting. Lots of positions don't require coding skills, like being a tester. You start with a low salary but there's lots of room to grow and get higher paying jobs with some experience.

OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with a bad situation right now. You do need to take some responsibility and turn things around. You picked a low paying profession and chose to live in a place with a crappy school for your kid. If you're paying for a 2-bedroom, then you likely could afford someone's basement apartment or some other apartment in a good school district for the same rent you're paying now. Recognize that you're making choices all along and take more ownership over that. You'll have more control over your life and it will make you much happier. Take care.

OP here and Im not sure why you assume I picked a low paying profession. I have a graduate degree and make $200K. It’s still not enough for that life as I got a late start and need to save.

OP, do you have high student debt? I would be thrilled to be earning $200K/year!

PS- I agree that on that salary you should be able to get a 2 bedroom anywhere in the DMV. I will also say that your child could really shine in a less prestigious school. I have seen students really flourish in the Einstein cluster in MOCO. There are many students who are children of Ph.D's, Ivy grads, and accomplished artists/musicians. They just choose to live in Silver Spring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should move to a place that makes you feel like less of a failure (and isn’t a second rate local school for your kid). Where do you live now and what is your housing budget? What does your custody agreement require in terms of schools?

I live in Anne Arundel Co where people are more normal. I think you’d be happier.

This. Why on earth did you move into a rental with a crappy school when you have a kid?

Find a good public school district and move there, even if it means a 1-BR or less nice rental. Figure out a career path to make more money. Assuming you're in the DMV area, look into IT consulting. Lots of positions don't require coding skills, like being a tester. You start with a low salary but there's lots of room to grow and get higher paying jobs with some experience.

OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with a bad situation right now. You do need to take some responsibility and turn things around. You picked a low paying profession and chose to live in a place with a crappy school for your kid. If you're paying for a 2-bedroom, then you likely could afford someone's basement apartment or some other apartment in a good school district for the same rent you're paying now. Recognize that you're making choices all along and take more ownership over that. You'll have more control over your life and it will make you much happier. Take care.

OP here and Im not sure why you assume I picked a low paying profession. I have a graduate degree and make $200K. It’s still not enough for that life as I got a late start and need to save.

NP here. I am divorced and make half as much as you. Why are you renting a two bedroom? Truly...I don't get it. If I can afford a townhouse, so can you. I am in a good public school zone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand all of these posters who is telling OP that married folks with kids and outwardly lovely lives must be secretly miserable. That's just not true and I think people know it. There are people who have spouses and families who are truly happy and that's okay.

OP, lots of people face challenges that disrupt their life expectations. For some it's divorce, but chronic disease, cancer, kids with special needs, job loss due to a recession, serious injury due to an accident, etc, can also have a hugely disruptive and negative impact. Life isn't fair. Some people are just luckier. All you can do is play the hands you are dealt. Do the best to find your own happiness and be proud of what you've overcome.

I think you are misreading (I believe I'm one of the PPs you are talking about). I don't think people who are married with kids are secretly miserably (I am married with a kid and am very happy). It is more that I wanted to remind OP that it's possible some of the people she envies because they are married or have a second kid or a big house, may actually be envying her right back.

I am very happily married but still sometimes envy my single mom friend, and my single childless friends, because they don't have to get another adult on board with every single life decision they make. I have a good friend who is in her 40s, never married and no kids, and she spent half the pandemic traveling around, working remotely from beach houses and friends homes and mountain cabins. It looked great! I could never do that. Meanwhile, I have a friend who is a single mother to three kids, and when I discuss things like schools or activities with her, I envy how many of those choices she gets to make just on her own, with no or minimal input from the kids' dad, who is a bum and chooses not to be involved. On the one hand, that is tough for her. And on the other hand: freedom.

I know another family that seems to have it all, and take amazing vacations twice a year. But I know because they are close friends that those vacations are paid for by the wife's parents, and while they enjoy them and are grateful for the opportunity, that as the years go on tension has arisen because it's become a bit of an obligation and they kind of wish they could plan their own vacations at this point. Doesn't mean they aren't happy, just that what seems like an amazing life on the outside is more complicated and even less fun on the inside.

So my point was not that the people she envies are secretly miserable, but that there is no absolute good and that all situations are a bit of compromise. There are aspects of OP's situation that many would envy, even living in a rental apartment instead of a home they have to care for (lots of us who have had a surprise maintenance expense pop up have thought fondly of our rental days in that moment). I was simply trying to offer the perspective that OP's life is not as bad, and the people she envies not as great, as it might seem at first glance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I find so fascinating about ‘well educated’ women like you is that you feel that being well educated makes you entitled to a high income marriage, 2 beautiful kids healthy kids in private school and in a desireable neighborhood.

And when this doesn’t happen, women like you get depressed. Nothing is guaranteed in life and you should have taken all of this into consideration.

Huh? Taken it into consideration before what? Aside from being incredibly rude this post makes no sense.

And she can’t spell

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it would help to step back and think about why you feel entitled to a beautiful house and top schools. Nothing is owed to you by anyone. You do not automatically deserve a big house just for being well-educated, sorry. Perhaps consider moving to a lower cost of living area where your money will go further and people are less prestige oriented than DC. There are many parts of the country where 200K is a very good household income. Good luck.

This is what I was trying to express when I made the comment about well educated women thinking they’re going to get these things. I didn’t mean to come off harsh but it needed to be said.

Also, Op is living the average life of black and Hispanic women in America.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I find so fascinating about ‘well educated’ women like you is that you feel that being well educated makes you entitled to a high income marriage, 2 beautiful kids healthy kids in private school and in a desireable neighborhood.

And when this doesn’t happen, women like you get depressed. Nothing is guaranteed in life and you should have taken all of this into consideration.

Huh? Taken it into consideration before what? Aside from being incredibly rude this post makes no sense.

And she can’t spell

This comment is so stupid. It’s obvious an unintentional spelling mistake was made. Probably on iPhone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I find so fascinating about ‘well educated’ women like you is that you feel that being well educated makes you entitled to a high income marriage, 2 beautiful kids healthy kids in private school and in a desireable neighborhood.

And when this doesn’t happen, women like you get depressed. Nothing is guaranteed in life and you should have taken all of this into consideration.

What’s wrong with wanting these things? It’s what (white) women are socialized to want in our society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it would help to step back and think about why you feel entitled to a beautiful house and top schools. Nothing is owed to you by anyone. You do not automatically deserve a big house just for being well-educated, sorry. Perhaps consider moving to a lower cost of living area where your money will go further and people are less prestige oriented than DC. There are many parts of the country where 200K is a very good household income. Good luck.

This is what I was trying to express when I made the comment about well educated women thinking they’re going to get these things. I didn’t mean to come off harsh but it needed to be said.

Also, Op is living the average life of black and Hispanic women in America.

OMG I just read that Op makes 200k!?!? Wtf??? She is living better than most black, Hispanic, AND white women in America.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I find so fascinating about ‘well educated’ women like you is that you feel that being well educated makes you entitled to a high income marriage, 2 beautiful kids healthy kids in private school and in a desireable neighborhood.

And when this doesn’t happen, women like you get depressed. Nothing is guaranteed in life and you should have taken all of this into consideration.

What’s wrong with wanting these things? It’s what (white) women are socialized to want in our society.

Ummm no. That’s what YOU want in this society.

The average white woman in America does not have a college degree. Let alone, make six figures. The delusion is real on this forum. Why are white people constantly referred to as upper class and hyper educated. Most white people live average lives just like other races.

Last, white women are not having children as before sooo..??