How do you deal with not having the life you wanted?

[Anonymous]

“Where ever you go, there you are.”

I don’t mean to be glib, but absent a truly unfortunate struggle, you’d probably find something in that “perfect” life to complain about and be disappointed in.

I really do think it’s a mindset thing, but I don’t know how to change that. It’s gotten better for me as I’ve gotten older, and it’s clear no one has a perfect life, but this is the life I have, it’s pretty good, and wallowing in what isn’t great won’t help anything.

This is also the hardest part of my relationship with my husband, he’s constantly dissatisfied. It’s exhausting and nearly impossible to live with. But, being around him has made me so much less like that. Do you want to borrow my grumpy, middle-aged, disappointed husband?

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I get it. My situation is a little different, but the underlying problem is the same, in that my circumstances always feel worse off than most of my peers. I am lucky in many ways (including with my wonderful kid) but that doesn't mean I don't sometimes feel frustrated, especially that I can't give my kid the same opportunities that my friend's kids are getting.

The biggest advice I can give is to steer clear of people who seem to primarily value and talk about material goods and status. What I have learned in the past few years is that even though most if not all of our friends are pretty well off and successful, some of them really value having stuff or having status more than others. And I've learned to just kind of give those folks a wide berth, and also to identify them in my head so that when they say things that can trigger my feelings of comparison or inferiority ("All the public schools here are awful, so glad we decided to go private for middle school"), I can remind myself that this is their value system and I don't have to take it personally. So I don't.

I've also found that even among my friends who have more than me, there are people who envy me. Like I know a number of people who envy my kid specifically, and I get it because she's a pretty special person. A lot of that is just her -- I have to give her credit because she deserves it. But I do sometimes wonder if some of her strong character comes from the way I am raising her, and the fact that I have to get creative when it comes to exposing her to new things and encouraging her interests, because I can't just pull out a credit card at every turn like most of my friends can. I think in many ways that's given her a more interesting and varied life, and that contributes to her being such a thoughtful, interesting person. She is growing up in a home where we have to try and problem solve all the time just to do the things we want, and I think that's benefitting her in the long run in a way that trips to Disneyland or being enrolled in every activity under the sun would not.

Pay attention to when people seem to envy you. I bet you have friends in bad marriages who envy your divorce and the fact that you have more independence in the way you parent, for instance. I bet you have friends with two kids who envy that you just have one. People might not envy your apartment, but remember that often their big new houses are something they focus on and brag about to cover up for some other disappointments.

People say comparison is the thief of joy, and while it can be, I also think it's inevitable. But don't tilt the scales. Yes, having money and a partner can be great. But they aren't the only things that make life worth living, by a long shot. If you're going to compare, don't just look at the metrics that make you feel bad. Look at where you're succeeding, too.

[Anonymous]

As others have said comparison is the thief of joy, and when you are comparing your life to others' it really is like comparing apples and oranges as we only see the curated image others want us to see and not their real lives.

I know two couples, two truly stunning, well educated, professionally stellar, millionaires with adorable and smart kids whose marriages are not at all what I would want. Just because people stay together, have beautiful homes, and wealth does not mean that they have enviable lives. Gratitude helps us see more accurately how beautiful our own lives are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should move to a place that makes you feel like less of a failure (and isn’t a second rate local school for your kid). Where do you live now and what is your housing budget? What does your custody agreement require in terms of schools?

I live in Anne Arundel Co where people are more normal. I think you’d be happier.

This. Why on earth did you move into a rental with a crappy school when you have a kid?

Find a good public school district and move there, even if it means a 1-BR or less nice rental. Figure out a career path to make more money. Assuming you're in the DMV area, look into IT consulting. Lots of positions don't require coding skills, like being a tester. You start with a low salary but there's lots of room to grow and get higher paying jobs with some experience.

OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with a bad situation right now. You do need to take some responsibility and turn things around. You picked a low paying profession and chose to live in a place with a crappy school for your kid. If you're paying for a 2-bedroom, then you likely could afford someone's basement apartment or some other apartment in a good school district for the same rent you're paying now. Recognize that you're making choices all along and take more ownership over that. You'll have more control over your life and it will make you much happier. Take care.

OP here and Im not sure why you assume I picked a low paying profession. I have a graduate degree and make $200K. It’s still not enough for that life as I got a late start and need to save.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I find so fascinating about ‘well educated’ women like you is that you feel that being well educated makes you entitled to a high income marriage, 2 beautiful kids healthy kids in private school and in a desireable neighborhood.

And when this doesn’t happen, women like you get depressed. Nothing is guaranteed in life and you should have taken all of this into consideration.

Huh? Taken it into consideration before what? Aside from being incredibly rude this post makes no sense.

You sound like a little girl. Grow up. Life is not a fairy tale. And you’re mad that you’re being told this.

You should have thought about all of this into consideration BEFORE you married and had a child. Nothing is guaranteed in life. Being well educated doesn’t automatically mean you’re going to automatically get a long lasting marriage and a child in a ‘top school’.

Women like you run into marriage and generally *life* with little girl fantasies and then when the dark side of REALITY appears and you have to experience it, you can’t cope.

Nothing is guaranteed in life. Grow up.

Enough with the “women like you” trope

[Anonymous]

Most of you sound like Johnny got a bike, how come I didn’t? Suck it up buttercup!

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP, BUT I think it might help you to make new friends with a similar lifestyle to yours. Are there any divorced moms in your kid's school that you could relate to? Instead of trying to be something you're not, maybe embrace who you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of you sound like Johnny got a bike, how come I didn’t? Suck it up buttercup!

How about you just go back to sucking it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should move to a place that makes you feel like less of a failure (and isn’t a second rate local school for your kid). Where do you live now and what is your housing budget? What does your custody agreement require in terms of schools?

I live in Anne Arundel Co where people are more normal. I think you’d be happier.

This. Why on earth did you move into a rental with a crappy school when you have a kid?

Find a good public school district and move there, even if it means a 1-BR or less nice rental. Figure out a career path to make more money. Assuming you're in the DMV area, look into IT consulting. Lots of positions don't require coding skills, like being a tester. You start with a low salary but there's lots of room to grow and get higher paying jobs with some experience.

OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with a bad situation right now. You do need to take some responsibility and turn things around. You picked a low paying profession and chose to live in a place with a crappy school for your kid. If you're paying for a 2-bedroom, then you likely could afford someone's basement apartment or some other apartment in a good school district for the same rent you're paying now. Recognize that you're making choices all along and take more ownership over that. You'll have more control over your life and it will make you much happier. Take care.

OP here and Im not sure why you assume I picked a low paying profession. I have a graduate degree and make $200K. It’s still not enough for that life as I got a late start and need to save.

OMG. And you're still miserable? There's probably not hope for you without a major shift in priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should move to a place that makes you feel like less of a failure (and isn’t a second rate local school for your kid). Where do you live now and what is your housing budget? What does your custody agreement require in terms of schools?

I live in Anne Arundel Co where people are more normal. I think you’d be happier.

This. Why on earth did you move into a rental with a crappy school when you have a kid?

Find a good public school district and move there, even if it means a 1-BR or less nice rental. Figure out a career path to make more money. Assuming you're in the DMV area, look into IT consulting. Lots of positions don't require coding skills, like being a tester. You start with a low salary but there's lots of room to grow and get higher paying jobs with some experience.

OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with a bad situation right now. You do need to take some responsibility and turn things around. You picked a low paying profession and chose to live in a place with a crappy school for your kid. If you're paying for a 2-bedroom, then you likely could afford someone's basement apartment or some other apartment in a good school district for the same rent you're paying now. Recognize that you're making choices all along and take more ownership over that. You'll have more control over your life and it will make you much happier. Take care.

OP here and Im not sure why you assume I picked a low paying profession. I have a graduate degree and make $200K. It’s still not enough for that life as I got a late start and need to save.

OMG. And you're still miserable? There's probably not hope for you without a major shift in priorities.

Yes. OP are you spending more than you should? We've seen people that make a lot more money but have less due to poor money management. Yes make a plan to start saving and scale your life down. As for a partner only date those that have your same goals. Usually you can find that out right away. I wanted to have the choice to work, or be a SAHM or do both. I made sure to only date men that were on the same page. I've known friends that got divorce because the guy thought the woman should have a career, and another job when she got home. Basically start changing you life to fit your goals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean I know it could be a lot worse, but I am the only one in my well educated circle who is not married and living in a beautiful house with kids in top schools rather am divorced and struggling, renting a 2BR apt and my kid is in a shit public.

Then start making a plan to change all that.

[Anonymous]

Forty-six, never-married, childless, no real "career".
I'm living what I once would have considered my nightmare future. Everything I once feared has come to pass.
And you know what? I'm pretty happy.

It's about finding peace. I don't know how I did, because I was miserable for most of my life. But somehow I actually ended up okay, despite not getting anything I once wanted.

[Anonymous]

What’s wrong with a 2 bedroom apartment? Maybe move in to one you love, or a neighborhood you love, forget about a big beautiful house. Focus on creating a really fun, enriching life you adore.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand all of these posters who is telling OP that married folks with kids and outwardly lovely lives must be secretly miserable. That's just not true and I think people know it. There are people who have spouses and families who are truly happy and that's okay.

OP, lots of people face challenges that disrupt their life expectations. For some it's divorce, but chronic disease, cancer, kids with special needs, job loss due to a recession, serious injury due to an accident, etc, can also have a hugely disruptive and negative impact. Life isn't fair. Some people are just luckier. All you can do is play the hands you are dealt. Do the best to find your own happiness and be proud of what you've overcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I find so fascinating about ‘well educated’ women like you is that you feel that being well educated makes you entitled to a high income marriage, 2 beautiful kids healthy kids in private school and in a desireable neighborhood.

And when this doesn’t happen, women like you get depressed. Nothing is guaranteed in life and you should have taken all of this into consideration.

OP, I hope you are letting all of the comments like this bounce off your psyche. "Women like you" is so dismissive and so unnecessary. I know you trusted in the choices that you made, with the information that you had and the understanding of yourself as you did then. Perhaps you would choose differently now, or maybe you would not choose differently now, but I hear you that you are in tough place and that's a painful place too. Your journey is yours alone, and the people you meet all have different paths as well. Cherish those who are kind and ignore those who are not. Each individual's behavior reflects them. Your dignity and value is inherent regardless of what things look like on the outside to anyone else. You are smart and capable and worthy of your time and your interest in your own affairs. I hope you will take heart in your strength and goodness and take care of yourself with the same amount of concern and kindness as you have done for others.