How do you deal with not having the life you wanted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I find so fascinating about ‘well educated’ women like you is that you feel that being well educated makes you entitled to a high income marriage, 2 beautiful kids healthy kids in private school and in a desireable neighborhood.

And when this doesn’t happen, women like you get depressed. Nothing is guaranteed in life and you should have taken all of this into consideration.

You sound like you have a real chip on your shoulder.

[Anonymous]

Your life isn't over with yet. As long as you are alive things can change or not. You can take steps to change it, or life can simply turn on a dime for better or worse. I've seen this happen many a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spend time with people less fortunate than you so you can start feeling grateful for the life you have.

"If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself."

Thanks, I do. My entire career is about helping the underserved, most of whom have horrendous and traumatizing stories and experiences. It does make me grateful every day foe what I have. I also still feel I have not kept up with married peers.

[Anonymous]

The future is always bright and you are in control of your destiny. Repeat that to yourself and believe it. Looks like you already took steps to walk away from a marriage that wasn’t working. That takes courage and time to heal! Recognize that and commend yourself.

Think about where you want to be and envision it. Next set small achievable goals, and larger bigger picture life goals. Work everyday towards those goals. Want more money? Look for new jobs or expanding your current skills to get your there. Want to own property? Look for a condo or townhouse. You don’t need a huge space to start. Want to look more attractive? Eat well and exercise.

The point is to look at each day as a new beginning and don’t resign yourself to a “bad” life. It’s yours and you only have one. Make your dreams become reality. Put your positive energy out there! You can do it!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean I know it could be a lot worse, but I am the only one in my well educated circle who is not married and living in a beautiful house with kids in top schools rather am divorced and struggling, renting a 2BR apt and my kid is in a shit public.

Hi there. You sound like me- divorced and disappointed. I am sad about all of the things you mentioned as well. Making friends with another mom in similar circumstances really helped. She gets it. From reading these responses here, no one gets it. They are telling you “it could be worse”. Sure, but it’s not how you had hoped, and that’s the point. Exercising, going on hikes, and being close with my family helps.

Sending a hug

[Anonymous]

You just need to take a step back & evaluate your life w/an open and clear mind.

Focus on your many blessings.
They come in many different forms > all shapes + sizes.

Do not take any of your blessings for granted.
Such as excellent health, the roof over your head or the fact that you have the uncanny ability to make other people laugh. 🤣

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think about this a lot and haven’t made peace with it. I made some (in hindsight) mistakes and decisions that took my career down a dead end, and married someone who has problems that affect my life greatly but that I couldn’t have seen before we had kids. I feel a lot of shame and have pulled away from more content and successful friends because it’s hard to sustain conversations about parts of life we used to have in common. I have a child and that gives me a small sense of peace, because I have the ability to make her life as good as possible even if mine didn’t work out as I’d hoped. On hard days, it feels very dark and I do definitely mourn my hopes for my life. Personally, it is easier for me to get through the saddest days if I acknowledge to myself my sorrow and disappointment rather than stuffing it down. On a practical level, I read a lot and try to make conversation with as many interesting people as possible- no one can live every life but experiencing others’ lives this way helps mine feel less narrow.

Thank you for this. NP. I want to be your friend. You sound so wise.

[Anonymous]

I give myself credit where I have succeeded dealing with adversity that others do not see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I find so fascinating about ‘well educated’ women like you is that you feel that being well educated makes you entitled to a high income marriage, 2 beautiful kids healthy kids in private school and in a desireable neighborhood.

And when this doesn’t happen, women like you get depressed. Nothing is guaranteed in life and you should have taken all of this into consideration.

Huh? Taken it into consideration before what? Aside from being incredibly rude this post makes no sense.

You sound like a little girl. Grow up. Life is not a fairy tale. And you’re mad that you’re being told this.

You should have thought about all of this into consideration BEFORE you married and had a child. Nothing is guaranteed in life. Being well educated doesn’t automatically mean you’re going to automatically get a long lasting marriage and a child in a ‘top school’.

Women like you run into marriage and generally *life* with little girl fantasies and then when the dark side of REALITY appears and you have to experience it, you can’t cope.

Nothing is guaranteed in life. Grow up.

NP. Wow, you got all of that from the OP? You can really reduce her to some type that you have created in your head? There is a severe lack of empathy on this board.

OP, I haven't gotten everything i dreamed of. In my case it's career wise. But I have to look at things holistically. I have a lot of what I dreamed of in other areas, and a lot that I like in general. You have to look at the whole thing and see that, on balance, things are good. Also, you can have another relationship that leads to a happy marriage and maybe a (or another) kid. I know it's hard to practice gratitude but it helps to write down things you have in your life that you are grateful for and to surround with sympathetic or empathetic people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The future is always bright and you are in control of your destiny. Repeat that to yourself and believe it. Looks like you already took steps to walk away from a marriage that wasn’t working. That takes courage and time to heal! Recognize that and commend yourself.

Think about where you want to be and envision it. Next set small achievable goals, and larger bigger picture life goals. Work everyday towards those goals. Want more money? Look for new jobs or expanding your current skills to get your there. Want to own property? Look for a condo or townhouse. You don’t need a huge space to start. Want to look more attractive? Eat well and exercise.

The point is to look at each day as a new beginning and don’t resign yourself to a “bad” life. It’s yours and you only have one. Make your dreams become reality. Put your positive energy out there! You can do it!!!

This is wonderful advice that everyone can use. I try to do bite-sized achievable steps towards my goals and, eventually, I have gotten there. You have a lot more power than you realize, OP.

[Anonymous]

You should move to a place that makes you feel like less of a failure (and isn’t a second rate local school for your kid). Where do you live now and what is your housing budget? What does your custody agreement require in terms of schools?

I live in Anne Arundel Co where people are more normal. I think you’d be happier.

[Anonymous]

Np here. I never wanted those things or that life. Why? Because it makes people into cardboard cutouts.

Embrace your life and experience and appreciate that it gives you flavor. More importantly, your kids won’t be entitled. They will be a bit more rugged, and that’s a good thing because the world is changing a lot. I don’t think the kids who grow up having it all planned out and handled for them are going to adapt as well when they are adults as the kids who had to adapt to changes as kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Np here. I never wanted those things or that life. Why? Because it makes people into cardboard cutouts.

Embrace your life and experience and appreciate that it gives you flavor. More importantly, your kids won’t be entitled. They will be a bit more rugged, and that’s a good thing because the world is changing a lot. I don’t think the kids who grow up having it all planned out and handled for them are going to adapt as well when they are adults as the kids who had to adapt to changes as kids.

There is definitely some truth to this. It's also ok to accept that you didn't meet your goals. That doesn't mean that you are a failure because not everything is in your control. You do the best you can with the skills that you have at the time and hand the rest over. The haters can hate. Who cares?

[Anonymous]

Capitalism and keeping up with the Joneses does sad, strange things to some people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should move to a place that makes you feel like less of a failure (and isn’t a second rate local school for your kid). Where do you live now and what is your housing budget? What does your custody agreement require in terms of schools?

I live in Anne Arundel Co where people are more normal. I think you’d be happier.

This. Why on earth did you move into a rental with a crappy school when you have a kid?

Find a good public school district and move there, even if it means a 1-BR or less nice rental. Figure out a career path to make more money. Assuming you're in the DMV area, look into IT consulting. Lots of positions don't require coding skills, like being a tester. You start with a low salary but there's lots of room to grow and get higher paying jobs with some experience.

OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with a bad situation right now. You do need to take some responsibility and turn things around. You picked a low paying profession and chose to live in a place with a crappy school for your kid. If you're paying for a 2-bedroom, then you likely could afford someone's basement apartment or some other apartment in a good school district for the same rent you're paying now. Recognize that you're making choices all along and take more ownership over that. You'll have more control over your life and it will make you much happier. Take care.