How do you deal with not having the life you wanted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you’re experiencing is grief. Regarding others, everyone will have SOMETHING to grieve if they live long enough. I too am divorced and I really am kinda broke, I make 42k and am about to move out of the fancy house and in with my parents. I too grieve the life I thought I would have and that I worked for. Sometimes I feel envious of others for whom it worked out differently. But I have a lot to be grateful for and I bet you do, too. We will carry the grief of our failed marriages for the rest of our lives but please do NOT let it color all your days. I just tell myself, I have my kids, my health, my friends and family and myself. Some people have real problems!

NP. Please, OP, re-read the post above. It is wise.

You are grieving -- we do not just grieve people who die, we also grieve ideas or goals that die, though we don't always recognize the loss as something we're grieving.

Despite the many rude posts on here, it is OK to grieve the loss of your expectations. Some here are eager to criticize the expectations themselves (big house, top schools, etc.). But if those were your expectations, there is nothing wrong with admitting they were what you wanted and anticipated.

Then you need to deal with the grief and let them go, and reset. The post above is an excellent one for showing how a reset can help you "NOT let [your lost expectations] color all your days." Please consider, once you have time and energy, getting out and volunteering, which can provide a serious reset and engender a lot of appreciation. But meanwhile--it's OK to grieve and vent for a time. Just not for all time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One more thing. I learned life isn’t over. I have a future. There are more pages in my story. That helps.

Nice post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think about this a lot and haven’t made peace with it. I made some (in hindsight) mistakes and decisions that took my career down a dead end, and married someone who has problems that affect my life greatly but that I couldn’t have seen before we had kids. I feel a lot of shame and have pulled away from more content and successful friends because it’s hard to sustain conversations about parts of life we used to have in common. I have a child and that gives me a small sense of peace, because I have the ability to make her life as good as possible even if mine didn’t work out as I’d hoped. On hard days, it feels very dark and I do definitely mourn my hopes for my life. Personally, it is easier for me to get through the saddest days if I acknowledge to myself my sorrow and disappointment rather than stuffing it down. On a practical level, I read a lot and try to make conversation with as many interesting people as possible- no one can live every life but experiencing others’ lives this way helps mine feel less narrow.

Thank you for this. NP. I want to be your friend. You sound so wise.

+1 Good post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you’re experiencing is grief. Regarding others, everyone will have SOMETHING to grieve if they live long enough. I too am divorced and I really am kinda broke, I make 42k and am about to move out of the fancy house and in with my parents. I too grieve the life I thought I would have and that I worked for. Sometimes I feel envious of others for whom it worked out differently. But I have a lot to be grateful for and I bet you do, too. We will carry the grief of our failed marriages for the rest of our lives but please do NOT let it color all your days. I just tell myself, I have my kids, my health, my friends and family and myself. Some people have real problems!

NP. Please, OP, re-read the post above. It is wise.

You are grieving -- we do not just grieve people who die, we also grieve ideas or goals that die, though we don't always recognize the loss as something we're grieving.

Despite the many rude posts on here, it is OK to grieve the loss of your expectations. Some here are eager to criticize the expectations themselves (big house, top schools, etc.). But if those were your expectations, there is nothing wrong with admitting they were what you wanted and anticipated.

Then you need to deal with the grief and let them go, and reset. The post above is an excellent one for showing how a reset can help you "NOT let [your lost expectations] color all your days." Please consider, once you have time and energy, getting out and volunteering, which can provide a serious reset and engender a lot of appreciation. But meanwhile--it's OK to grieve and vent for a time. Just not for all time.

This is what I was thinking too - sounds like grief to me. The only way out of it is through it. I have also been in a place of grieving my expectations when to the rest of the world what I had was plenty. It’s not about being ungrateful (sooo unhelpful when people tell you that) at all. After that you can move on and create new dreams for yourself and your family. You can be happy, it may just look different than your younger self imagined. Join the club!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand all of these posters who is telling OP that married folks with kids and outwardly lovely lives must be secretly miserable. That's just not true and I think people know it. There are people who have spouses and families who are truly happy and that's okay.

OP, lots of people face challenges that disrupt their life expectations. For some it's divorce, but chronic disease, cancer, kids with special needs, job loss due to a recession, serious injury due to an accident, etc, can also have a hugely disruptive and negative impact. Life isn't fair. Some people are just luckier. All you can do is play the hands you are dealt. Do the best to find your own happiness and be proud of what you've overcome.

I didn't see any posts that said that!(?).

[Anonymous]

I was in your shoes as a single mom. Now I’m married to a multimillionaire living in a huge house but I think I was happier back in the day. I always wanted this life but my anxiety is worse now!

[Anonymous]

To the PPs saying "comparison is the thief of joy" or saying that you should never compare yourself to others and you should only ever think about yourself:

Comparing yourself to others can be a healthy a normal behavior. Jealousy and envy can be healthy, too. Saying "don't feel these things, don't think these things" is unrealistic. Comparison is one of the most instinctual things we do. I guarantee you there were cavemen and hunter/gatherers who looked up one day and thought "Huh, that person has more of these berries than me." You can't just stop those thoughts and trying to ignore them or blot them out doesn't work either. Trust me, I've tried! I've meditated, I've taken classes in mindfulness, I've kept a gratitude journal, etc. But the thought "huh, that person has more berries than me" is going to crop up. Rich people think this. Poor people think this. Happy people think this! It is a very normal thought.

And envy and jealousy are natural outcomes. No one has everything. Sometimes we envy what others have. Sometimes we wish it was ours. Again, you can say "don't think this, don't feel this" but the thoughts and feelings will come, and they are most likely to visit you when you are struggling.

The better response is to say, "What can I learn from this? What do these feelings teach me about my values and desires?" Treat these thoughts and feelings not as absolute truth (they aren't) but as clues to what matters to you.

I envy people who have more than me, but I don't envy everything. For instance, I have never once envied another family for the ability to do travel sports or send their kids to private school. I don't want the life that comes with those things. Even if I were wealthy I wouldn't sign up for it. But I used to envy their foreign travel and their nice home interiors. Also, I always envy people who seem to have lots of vacation time. Well that's useful! I am not and will never be rich. But we always save for overseas trips and I have put time and effort into making our home really beautiful and comfortable inside. We might only go abroad every couple years, and I had to decorate my house over time and really comparison shop and look for bargains. But in the end, I got exactly what I wanted. So who cares that someone has more money. That wasn't really what I valued.

But if I'd just shut down those thoughts in their tracks, told myself not to compare or that it's "wrong" to feel envy, would I have figured that out? I don't think so. Instead, I think I just would have beaten myself up for thinking and feeling things I'm not supposed to. It's silly. Comparison, envy, and jealousy are NORMAL. Use them to your advantage. It's your subconscious telling you something important about what you want to do with your life. Listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PPs saying "comparison is the thief of joy" or saying that you should never compare yourself to others and you should only ever think about yourself:

Comparing yourself to others can be a healthy a normal behavior. Jealousy and envy can be healthy, too. Saying "don't feel these things, don't think these things" is unrealistic. Comparison is one of the most instinctual things we do. I guarantee you there were cavemen and hunter/gatherers who looked up one day and thought "Huh, that person has more of these berries than me." You can't just stop those thoughts and trying to ignore them or blot them out doesn't work either. Trust me, I've tried! I've meditated, I've taken classes in mindfulness, I've kept a gratitude journal, etc. But the thought "huh, that person has more berries than me" is going to crop up. Rich people think this. Poor people think this. Happy people think this! It is a very normal thought.

And envy and jealousy are natural outcomes. No one has everything. Sometimes we envy what others have. Sometimes we wish it was ours. Again, you can say "don't think this, don't feel this" but the thoughts and feelings will come, and they are most likely to visit you when you are struggling.

The better response is to say, "What can I learn from this? What do these feelings teach me about my values and desires?" Treat these thoughts and feelings not as absolute truth (they aren't) but as clues to what matters to you.

I envy people who have more than me, but I don't envy everything. For instance, I have never once envied another family for the ability to do travel sports or send their kids to private school. I don't want the life that comes with those things. Even if I were wealthy I wouldn't sign up for it. But I used to envy their foreign travel and their nice home interiors. Also, I always envy people who seem to have lots of vacation time. Well that's useful! I am not and will never be rich. But we always save for overseas trips and I have put time and effort into making our home really beautiful and comfortable inside. We might only go abroad every couple years, and I had to decorate my house over time and really comparison shop and look for bargains. But in the end, I got exactly what I wanted. So who cares that someone has more money. That wasn't really what I valued.

But if I'd just shut down those thoughts in their tracks, told myself not to compare or that it's "wrong" to feel envy, would I have figured that out? I don't think so. Instead, I think I just would have beaten myself up for thinking and feeling things I'm not supposed to. It's silly. Comparison, envy, and jealousy are NORMAL. Use them to your advantage. It's your subconscious telling you something important about what you want to do with your life. Listen.

This comment is Golden. Jealousy and envy can be used to motivate human beings. It’s how you use that emotions and make it work for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, as a data-driven culture we should be much more vocal about the vast material evidence that shows who you marry is the choice you make with the single greatest impact on your life[b]; more than money, career success, health, even children, the person you spend your life with will give your life immeasurable meaning or misery. A good marriage is a game-changer, and people belittling the grieving that takes place after a divorce are out of their minds. It’s like a death of a life that could have been.

I'm 51 and that is something I was always told. It's true for both women AND men.

Lots of studies out there. Unfortunately, so many people rush into things or just settle or make a a checklist or just look for a paycheck, ignore red flags, etc.

I definitely tell my kids all of this and to always earn their own $ too, even for the girls---keep one foot partially in the workforce always.

I wish our culture talked about marriage as a choice about partnering with someone, not the marriage as the consequence of finding the love match “one”.

This. I regret marrying for "love." At the end of the day, we're not in love anymore and I wish I paid more attention to some other things like does he really have my back (no, he doesn't).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, as a data-driven culture we should be much more vocal about the vast material evidence that shows who you marry is the choice you make with the single greatest impact on your life; more than money, career success, health, even children, the person you spend your life with will give your life immeasurable meaning or misery. A good marriage is a game-changer, and people belittling the grieving that takes place after a divorce are out of their minds. It’s like a death of a life that could have been.

This is true and I think more and more women realize this. Hence, the decrease of marriage and motherhood. Women are opting out all together.

But that is foolish. The answer to something with 50/50 odds of winnings isn’t to not play at all.

Actually, for many of us it is.

And it’s not at all true that you have 50/50 odds of marrying well. The odds are MUCH lower than 50%, from what I’ve seen. My half century of observation - including not only close observation of marriages of family, friends, colleagues but also a decade of working in family law and two decades in domestic violence advocacy and a decade in criminal law and dependency/neglect cases involving children in need of care - is that fully 75% of marriages are some level of unhealthy/dysfunctional ranging up to highly toxic, physically and emotionally abusive and/or posing serious risk of death to the wives and children.

Being solo in this life poses plenty of challenges and involves lots of pain at times for me, but I am also a child of toxic marriage with a very high ACE score who suffers from childhood PTSD (listening to mommy get raped and beaten repeatedly, beating being beaten and watching siblings getting beaten in early childhood is psychologically devastating), so I’m not the best model - I certainly know plenty of solo women who are more emotionally healthy than me. But all of us are free from danger in our own homes, free from emotionally toxicity in our own homes, free to make the choices we deem best for ourselves and our children in our own homes and free from servitude to another adult in our own homes. That’s a hell of a lot of incentive to just not play at all.

DP here, I get it. I grew up in an abusive home. One sibling and I had kids, the other two didn't. Sib w/ kids and I talk about how hard it is to figure out the right path on the millions of every day things because we had such awful role models. Things that people from homes without abuse just naturally know. It's so much harder, plus we don't have grandparents to advise, babysit, provide emotional support, etc. My biggest fear is that I haven't come far enough to equip my kids to have better skills. I'm afraid of what I don't even know that might be missing or wrong. People who didn't grow up in the type of environment that we did typically just have no idea what it's like.

I'm glad to hear that you cherish your safe home. It's truly a gift when you think about how many people don't have that. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

I wish our culture talked about marriage as a choice about partnering with someone, not the marriage as the consequence of finding the love match “one”.

Not even sure what you’re talking about. No one is demanding you elope at the 3 week mark. If you acted precipitously, that’s on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am getting the feeling that OP is not in the DMV. Maybe NYC?

Unlikely. 2bdr in NYC is great, and it’s impossible to end up in a truly $h.tty public with a 200K salary. And most of the rest of the public schools are pretty much the same. Unless her ideal situation is a private school in NYC, it’s unlikely she is from here.

[Anonymous]

99% of people don't have the "life they wanted". It's called reality versus fantasy.

[Anonymous]

I grew up poor. No one had the life they wanted. Almost no one believed their kids could have the life they wanted. But people mostly got up and went to work, sent their kids to school, and tried to grab what happiness there was to be found. I’m many tens of thousands wealthier than almost any woman in my family has been in at least 200 years (I did have some childless great aunts who died rich), but I’d would love to have the marriage my great-grandparents did. It was soul-sustaining and full of love and affection until my GGM died and it weathered poverty, a baby that died, racism, and family serving in 4 wars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, as a data-driven culture we should be much more vocal about the vast material evidence that shows who you marry is the choice you make with the single greatest impact on your life; more than money, career success, health, even children, the person you spend your life with will give your life immeasurable meaning or misery. A good marriage is a game-changer, and people belittling the grieving that takes place after a divorce are out of their minds. It’s like a death of a life that could have been.

This is true and I think more and more women realize this. Hence, the decrease of marriage and motherhood. Women are opting out all together.

But that is foolish. The answer to something with 50/50 odds of winnings isn’t to not play at all.

Actually, for many of us it is.

And it’s not at all true that you have 50/50 odds of marrying well. The odds are MUCH lower than 50%, from what I’ve seen. My half century of observation - including not only close observation of marriages of family, friends, colleagues but also a decade of working in family law and two decades in domestic violence advocacy and a decade in criminal law and dependency/neglect cases involving children in need of care - is that fully 75% of marriages are some level of unhealthy/dysfunctional ranging up to highly toxic, physically and emotionally abusive and/or posing serious risk of death to the wives and children.

Being solo in this life poses plenty of challenges and involves lots of pain at times for me, but I am also a child of toxic marriage with a very high ACE score who suffers from childhood PTSD (listening to mommy get raped and beaten repeatedly, beating being beaten and watching siblings getting beaten in early childhood is psychologically devastating), so I’m not the best model - I certainly know plenty of solo women who are more emotionally healthy than me. But all of us are free from danger in our own homes, free from emotionally toxicity in our own homes, free to make the choices we deem best for ourselves and our children in our own homes and free from servitude to another adult in our own homes. That’s a hell of a lot of incentive to just not play at all.

With all due respect, if your observations come from decades in family law and domestic violence advocacy, your sample is extremely biased.