Reply to How do you deal with not having the life you wanted?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't understand all of these posters who is telling OP that married folks with kids and outwardly lovely lives must be secretly miserable.  That's just not true and I think people know it.  There are people who have spouses and families who are truly happy and that's okay.

OP, lots of people face challenges that disrupt their life expectations. For some it's divorce, but chronic disease, cancer, kids with special needs, job loss due to a recession, serious injury due to an accident, etc, can also have a hugely disruptive and negative impact.  Life isn't fair.  Some people are just luckier.  All you can do is play the hands you are dealt.  Do the best to find your own happiness and be proud of what you've overcome.[/quote]

I think you are misreading (I believe I'm one of the PPs you are talking about). I don't think people who are married with kids are secretly miserably (I am married with a kid and am very happy). It is more that I wanted to remind OP that it's possible some of the people she envies because they are married or have a second kid or a big house, may actually be envying her right back.

I am very happily married but still sometimes envy my single mom friend, and my single childless friends, because they don't have to get another adult on board with every single life decision they make. I have a good friend who is in her 40s, never married and no kids, and she spent half the pandemic traveling around, working remotely from beach houses and friends homes and mountain cabins. It looked great! I could never do that. Meanwhile, I have a friend who is a single mother to three kids, and when I discuss things like schools or activities with her, I envy how many of those choices she gets to make just on her own, with no or minimal input from the kids' dad, who is a bum and chooses not to be involved. On the one hand, that is tough for her. And on the other hand: freedom.

I know another family that seems to have it all, and take amazing vacations twice a year. But I know because they are close friends that those vacations are paid for by the wife's parents, and while they enjoy them and are grateful for the opportunity, that as the years go on tension has arisen because it's become a bit of an obligation and they kind of wish they could plan their own vacations at this point. Doesn't mean they aren't happy, just that what seems like an amazing life on the outside is more complicated and even less fun on the inside.

So my point was not that the people she envies are secretly miserable, but that there is no absolute good and that all situations are a bit of compromise. There are aspects of OP's situation that many would envy, even living in a rental apartment instead of a home they have to care for (lots of us who have had a surprise maintenance expense pop up have thought fondly of our rental days in that moment). I was simply trying to offer the perspective that OP's life is not as bad, and the people she envies not as great, as it might seem at first glance.[/quote]
This is still all about comparing yourself with others.  It's a terrible way to look at the world.  Who cares if your single friend gets to travel? Who cares who pays for your friends' travel? Do you want to travel more?  Then figure out how to make it happen.  Your travel ability to travel doesn't depend on their travel schedule.  Your happiness doesn't depend on theirs.  Just focus on what you need in your life to be happy.  Play your own hand.   Be content in your own choices. [/quote]

It’s hard to be content with a life you never desired.

I think this needs to be acknowledged. [/quote]
Focusing on flaws in other people's lives ultimately doesn't make you feel any better.  It may feel better temporarily, but not in the long run.  It's far better to focus on getting what you want out of your own life.  [/quote]

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