How do you deal with not having the life you wanted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am getting the feeling that OP is not in the DMV. Maybe NYC?

Unlikely. 2bdr in NYC is great, and it’s impossible to end up in a truly $h.tty public with a 200K salary. And most of the rest of the public schools are pretty much the same. Unless her ideal situation is a private school in NYC, it’s unlikely she is from here.

Not OP, but why is this so hard to understand?

Not everyone who makes over 200k wants to pay for a SFH. They might have other goals with their money. Hard to imagine, hm?

[Anonymous]

My life hasn't turned out how I expected either. I have the provider husband, nice house, and three children, but one of my children (maybe more) is very difficult to deal with and has a special need that takes up a lot of my time and energy, but is also "hidden." Most people have no idea what we deal with on a daily basis. I suspect my DH also has this special need, and that's why he has anger/rage problems, among other problems, that profoundly impact the kids and me, but that he also hides from the outside world. It's hard. I experience some level of trauma daily, and suspect I have some level of PTSD. It's my choice not to divorce, but there would be great costs to that too, as it would completely derail my children's lives, both financially and otherwise, and make it virtually impossible for my child's special needs to be addressed.

I did not marry for money, to the contrary I was head over heels in love when we married and there were no red flags (and if there were, I couldn't see them because I'm not an expert on this special need). His issues did not surface until after we were already married. Now I'm with a mentally unhealthy DH who also passed his condition down to our children, and I'm stuck not only with the burden of taking care of them now, but worrying about their futures because I don't know how functional they'll be as adults with this special need.

I wish I had more answers as to how to be happy. On some level I feel tricked, but realize that's not helpful. I realize I have choices, but they are all bad. I do try to meditate, take walks, feel gratitude for what I have, take time for myself, and am in therapy, and this all helps, but I live in a constant heightened state of alert always needing to walk on eggshells, both around my DH and child. I am constantly worn down and exhausted, and have no where to turn for respite or even compassion.

Before kids I had an amazing career, and I would really like to at least attempt to get back into it, but between all the time and energy I need to spend on my child's special need, and my husbands demands (and outsourcing not really feasible as no outside help is up to DH's standards), it's doesn't seem possible. I also tell tell myself that at some point, as my kids get older, I can get some semblance of a life back. I hold on to the idea that this is just a chapter in my life, but that (to use the PP's words) there are more pages in my future.

[Anonymous]

Bunch of whiners…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, as a data-driven culture we should be much more vocal about the vast material evidence that shows who you marry is the choice you make with the single greatest impact on your life; more than money, career success, health, even children, the person you spend your life with will give your life immeasurable meaning or misery. A good marriage is a game-changer, and people belittling the grieving that takes place after a divorce are out of their minds. It’s like a death of a life that could have been.

This is true and I think more and more women realize this. Hence, the decrease of marriage and motherhood. Women are opting out all together.

But that is foolish. The answer to something with 50/50 odds of winnings isn’t to not play at all.

Actually, for many of us it is.

And it’s not at all true that you have 50/50 odds of marrying well. The odds are MUCH lower than 50%, from what I’ve seen. My half century of observation - including not only close observation of marriages of family, friends, colleagues but also a decade of working in family law and two decades in domestic violence advocacy and a decade in criminal law and dependency/neglect cases involving children in need of care - is that fully 75% of marriages are some level of unhealthy/dysfunctional ranging up to highly toxic, physically and emotionally abusive and/or posing serious risk of death to the wives and children.

Being solo in this life poses plenty of challenges and involves lots of pain at times for me, but I am also a child of toxic marriage with a very high ACE score who suffers from childhood PTSD (listening to mommy get raped and beaten repeatedly, beating being beaten and watching siblings getting beaten in early childhood is psychologically devastating), so I’m not the best model - I certainly know plenty of solo women who are more emotionally healthy than me. But all of us are free from danger in our own homes, free from emotionally toxicity in our own homes, free to make the choices we deem best for ourselves and our children in our own homes and free from servitude to another adult in our own homes. That’s a hell of a lot of incentive to just not play at all.

This post was everything. The odds are even lower for us black women.
People on this forum don’t like reality and Facts. A lot of women on this forum like fantasy island thinking. And think like little girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up poor. No one had the life they wanted. Almost no one believed their kids could have the life they wanted. But people mostly got up and went to work, sent their kids to school, and tried to grab what happiness there was to be found. I’m many tens of thousands wealthier than almost any woman in my family has been in at least 200 years (I did have some childless great aunts who died rich), but I’d would love to have the marriage my great-grandparents did. It was soul-sustaining and full of love and affection until my GGM died and it weathered poverty, a baby that died, racism, and family serving in 4 wars.

That’s the love i grew up seeing too. It makes me sad that people are just so fickle now. Over common life struggles. I say this as a divorced woman. It’s sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, as a data-driven culture we should be much more vocal about the vast material evidence that shows who you marry is the choice you make with the single greatest impact on your life; more than money, career success, health, even children, the person you spend your life with will give your life immeasurable meaning or misery. A good marriage is a game-changer, and people belittling the grieving that takes place after a divorce are out of their minds. It’s like a death of a life that could have been.

This is true and I think more and more women realize this. Hence, the decrease of marriage and motherhood. Women are opting out all together.

But that is foolish. The answer to something with 50/50 odds of winnings isn’t to not play at all.

Actually, for many of us it is.

And it’s not at all true that you have 50/50 odds of marrying well. The odds are MUCH lower than 50%, from what I’ve seen. My half century of observation - including not only close observation of marriages of family, friends, colleagues but also a decade of working in family law and two decades in domestic violence advocacy and a decade in criminal law and dependency/neglect cases involving children in need of care - is that fully 75% of marriages are some level of unhealthy/dysfunctional ranging up to highly toxic, physically and emotionally abusive and/or posing serious risk of death to the wives and children.

Being solo in this life poses plenty of challenges and involves lots of pain at times for me, but I am also a child of toxic marriage with a very high ACE score who suffers from childhood PTSD (listening to mommy get raped and beaten repeatedly, beating being beaten and watching siblings getting beaten in early childhood is psychologically devastating), so I’m not the best model - I certainly know plenty of solo women who are more emotionally healthy than me. But all of us are free from danger in our own homes, free from emotionally toxicity in our own homes, free to make the choices we deem best for ourselves and our children in our own homes and free from servitude to another adult in our own homes. That’s a hell of a lot of incentive to just not play at all.

This post was everything. The odds are even lower for us black women.
People on this forum don’t like reality and Facts. A lot of women on this forum like fantasy island thinking. And think like little girls.

We have always had an alternate reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My life hasn't turned out how I expected either. I have the provider husband, nice house, and three children, but one of my children (maybe more) is very difficult to deal with and has a special need that takes up a lot of my time and energy, but is also "hidden." Most people have no idea what we deal with on a daily basis. I suspect my DH also has this special need, and that's why he has anger/rage problems, among other problems, that profoundly impact the kids and me, but that he also hides from the outside world. It's hard. I experience some level of trauma daily, and suspect I have some level of PTSD. It's my choice not to divorce, but there would be great costs to that too, as it would completely derail my children's lives, both financially and otherwise, and make it virtually impossible for my child's special needs to be addressed.

I did not marry for money, to the contrary I was head over heels in love when we married and there were no red flags (and if there were, I couldn't see them because I'm not an expert on this special need). His issues did not surface until after we were already married. Now I'm with a mentally unhealthy DH who also passed his condition down to our children, and I'm stuck not only with the burden of taking care of them now, but worrying about their futures because I don't know how functional they'll be as adults with this special need.

I wish I had more answers as to how to be happy. On some level I feel tricked, but realize that's not helpful. I realize I have choices, but they are all bad. I do try to meditate, take walks, feel gratitude for what I have, take time for myself, and am in therapy, and this all helps, but I live in a constant heightened state of alert always needing to walk on eggshells, both around my DH and child. I am constantly worn down and exhausted, and have no where to turn for respite or even compassion.

Before kids I had an amazing career, and I would really like to at least attempt to get back into it, but between all the time and energy I need to spend on my child's special need, and my husbands demands (and outsourcing not really feasible as no outside help is up to DH's standards), it's doesn't seem possible. I also tell tell myself that at some point, as my kids get older, I can get some semblance of a life back. I hold on to the idea that this is just a chapter in my life, but that (to use the PP's words) there are more pages in my future.

While not fully understanding your situation I do think you should try and outsource some of this so you can get some of your life back. Maybe do it slowly to get everyone used to the idea ? I would be fearful of a situation where your DH has an affair etc and divorced you. Then you’d be screwed even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I find so fascinating about ‘well educated’ women like you is that you feel that being well educated makes you entitled to a high income marriage, 2 beautiful kids healthy kids in private school and in a desireable neighborhood.

And when this doesn’t happen, women like you get depressed. Nothing is guaranteed in life and you should have taken all of this into consideration.

OP, life is a bell-shaped curve. If I take the people starting with elementary school, through graduate school, and every job I ever had, this is how it pans out:

15% - life never really got off the ground becaues they could not rise above their personal demons. Couple of suicides in this mix, a few arrests, including or white collar crime
15% - wound up making millions or noted in the Wall Street Journal type stuff
70% - had a reasonable amount of success and failure, went about living their lives and raising their kids

Most of these people were well educated, good schools, reasonably attractive, the usual DCUM attributes. It's easy for those in the 70% to think the 15% making millions is the norm. It isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, as a data-driven culture we should be much more vocal about the vast material evidence that shows who you marry is the choice you make with the single greatest impact on your life[b]; more than money, career success, health, even children, the person you spend your life with will give your life immeasurable meaning or misery. A good marriage is a game-changer, and people belittling the grieving that takes place after a divorce are out of their minds. It’s like a death of a life that could have been.

I'm 51 and that is something I was always told. It's true for both women AND men.

Lots of studies out there. Unfortunately, so many people rush into things or just settle or make a a checklist or just look for a paycheck, ignore red flags, etc.

I definitely tell my kids all of this and to always earn their own $ too, even for the girls---keep one foot partially in the workforce always.

I wish our culture talked about marriage as a choice about partnering with someone, not the marriage as the consequence of finding the love match “one”.

Yeah. I did that: I am divorced. There was no love. All logic. We both had good incomes and looked “right on paper” and were “getting old.” Dumbest decision of my life. Marrying for love is better. Without it, it is empty, meaningless and feels like a cage.

[Anonymous]

I just farted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I find so fascinating about ‘well educated’ women like you is that you feel that being well educated makes you entitled to a high income marriage, 2 beautiful kids healthy kids in private school and in a desireable neighborhood.

And when this doesn’t happen, women like you get depressed. Nothing is guaranteed in life and you should have taken all of this into consideration.

Makes sense to me. Life is life. You never know what can happen to upturn the plan you had for your life. The best thing you can do is find happiness and joy where you are. If you want to make more, then work towards that to build a life for you and your child.

As the great philosopher/rapper Kurtis Blow once said: These are the breaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, as a data-driven culture we should be much more vocal about the vast material evidence that shows who you marry is the choice you make with the single greatest impact on your life; more than money, career success, health, even children, the person you spend your life with will give your life immeasurable meaning or misery. A good marriage is a game-changer, and people belittling the grieving that takes place after a divorce are out of their minds. It’s like a death of a life that could have been.

This is true and I think more and more women realize this. Hence, the decrease of marriage and motherhood. Women are opting out all together.

But that is foolish. The answer to something with 50/50 odds of winnings isn’t to not play at all.

Actually, for many of us it is.

And it’s not at all true that you have 50/50 odds of marrying well. The odds are MUCH lower than 50%, from what I’ve seen. My half century of observation - including not only close observation of marriages of family, friends, colleagues but also a decade of working in family law and two decades in domestic violence advocacy and a decade in criminal law and dependency/neglect cases involving children in need of care - is that fully 75% of marriages are some level of unhealthy/dysfunctional ranging up to highly toxic, physically and emotionally abusive and/or posing serious risk of death to the wives and children.

Being solo in this life poses plenty of challenges and involves lots of pain at times for me, but I am also a child of toxic marriage with a very high ACE score who suffers from childhood PTSD (listening to mommy get raped and beaten repeatedly, beating being beaten and watching siblings getting beaten in early childhood is psychologically devastating), so I’m not the best model - I certainly know plenty of solo women who are more emotionally healthy than me. But all of us are free from danger in our own homes, free from emotionally toxicity in our own homes, free to make the choices we deem best for ourselves and our children in our own homes and free from servitude to another adult in our own homes. That’s a hell of a lot of incentive to just not play at all.

This post was everything. The odds are even lower for us black women.
People on this forum don’t like reality and Facts. A lot of women on this forum like fantasy island thinking. And think like little girls.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I find so fascinating about ‘well educated’ women like you is that you feel that being well educated makes you entitled to a high income marriage, 2 beautiful kids healthy kids in private school and in a desireable neighborhood.

And when this doesn’t happen, women like you get depressed. Nothing is guaranteed in life and you should have taken all of this into consideration.

OP, life is a bell-shaped curve. If I take the people starting with elementary school, through graduate school, and every job I ever had, this is how it pans out:

15% - life never really got off the ground becaues they could not rise above their personal demons. Couple of suicides in this mix, a few arrests, including or white collar crime
15% - wound up making millions or noted in the Wall Street Journal type stuff
70% - had a reasonable amount of success and failure, went about living their lives and raising their kids

Most of these people were well educated, good schools, reasonably attractive, the usual DCUM attributes. It's easy for those in the 70% to think the 15% making millions is the norm. It isn't.

I would put the percentage of those making millions at less than 5%. 15% is too big.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand all of these posters who is telling OP that married folks with kids and outwardly lovely lives must be secretly miserable. That's just not true and I think people know it. There are people who have spouses and families who are truly happy and that's okay.

OP, lots of people face challenges that disrupt their life expectations. For some it's divorce, but chronic disease, cancer, kids with special needs, job loss due to a recession, serious injury due to an accident, etc, can also have a hugely disruptive and negative impact. Life isn't fair. Some people are just luckier. All you can do is play the hands you are dealt. Do the best to find your own happiness and be proud of what you've overcome.

I didn't see any posts that said that!(?).

There have been these posts as there always are when a topic like this is raised. Some people do have happy, blessed lives without hidden challenges. Why this is hard for people to believe or accept I don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Budism.