How do you deal with not having the life you wanted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, as a data-driven culture we should be much more vocal about the vast material evidence that shows who you marry is the choice you make with the single greatest impact on your life; more than money, career success, health, even children, the person you spend your life with will give your life immeasurable meaning or misery. A good marriage is a game-changer, and people belittling the grieving that takes place after a divorce are out of their minds. It’s like a death of a life that could have been.

This is true and I think more and more women realize this. Hence, the decrease of marriage and motherhood. Women are opting out all together.

But that is foolish. The answer to something with 50/50 odds of winnings isn’t to not play at all.

It isn’t foolish. It’s smart.

Motherhood and procreation is not something that should be gambled.

The power of creation of the power of destruction. Motherhood isn’t a decision that should be taken lightly.
M

The power of creation of the power of destruction? Are you illiterate, drunk, or just a freak?

PLEASE. There are enough problems in the world without loonies like you trying to cobble together illiterate sentences condemning married women for starting families. If there was a way to look into the future and know for sure that your marriage will work out, then 50 percent of marriages wouldn't end in divorce. And that's not including an additional 20 percent who dream of divorce but can't do it.

Show some tolerance for people, please. And my god, a basic grammar class would help you get your points across better. No one likes to be judged by an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, as a data-driven culture we should be much more vocal about the vast material evidence that shows who you marry is the choice you make with the single greatest impact on your life; more than money, career success, health, even children, the person you spend your life with will give your life immeasurable meaning or misery. A good marriage is a game-changer, and people belittling the grieving that takes place after a divorce are out of their minds. It’s like a death of a life that could have been.

This is true and I think more and more women realize this. Hence, the decrease of marriage and motherhood. Women are opting out all together.

But that is foolish. The answer to something with 50/50 odds of winnings isn’t to not play at all.

It isn’t foolish. It’s smart.

Motherhood and procreation is not something that should be gambled.

The power of creation of the power of destruction. Motherhood isn’t a decision that should be taken lightly.
M

The power of creation of the power of destruction? Are you illiterate, drunk, or just a freak?

PLEASE. There are enough problems in the world without loonies like you trying to cobble together illiterate sentences condemning married women for starting families. If there was a way to look into the future and know for sure that your marriage will work out, then 50 percent of marriages wouldn't end in divorce. And that's not including an additional 20 percent who dream of divorce but can't do it.

Show some tolerance for people, please. And my god, a basic grammar class would help you get your points across better. No one likes to be judged by an idiot.

The power of creation of the power of destruction. That what was meant to be said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, as a data-driven culture we should be much more vocal about the vast material evidence that shows who you marry is the choice you make with the single greatest impact on your life; more than money, career success, health, even children, the person you spend your life with will give your life immeasurable meaning or misery. A good marriage is a game-changer, and people belittling the grieving that takes place after a divorce are out of their minds. It’s like a death of a life that could have been.

This is true and I think more and more women realize this. Hence, the decrease of marriage and motherhood. Women are opting out all together.

But that is foolish. The answer to something with 50/50 odds of winnings isn’t to not play at all.

It isn’t foolish. It’s smart.

Motherhood and procreation is not something that should be gambled.

The power of creation of the power of destruction. Motherhood isn’t a decision that should be taken lightly.
M

The power of creation of the power of destruction? Are you illiterate, drunk, or just a freak?

PLEASE. There are enough problems in the world without loonies like you trying to cobble together illiterate sentences condemning married women for starting families. If there was a way to look into the future and know for sure that your marriage will work out, then 50 percent of marriages wouldn't end in divorce. And that's not including an additional 20 percent who dream of divorce but can't do it.

Show some tolerance for people, please. And my god, a basic grammar class would help you get your points across better. No one likes to be judged by an idiot.

The power of creation of the power of destruction. That what was meant to be said.

Oh boy. My iPhone. The power of creation IS the power of destruction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I was in similar circumstances. I am in my mid-50, divorced, with two kids, and earning in the low $300K. I moved into a 2 bedroom apartment after we split because my daughter (who was then a junior in high school at the time) wanted to live with me.

About two months after we split, my friends (neighbors from my former neighborhood) invited me over for dinner. They are a great couple (very attractive, both come from wealthy families and both have high-paying jobs.) They have kids the same age as mine, one of whom is severely disabled.

They invited me over because they were worried I was lonely. After dinner, the husband went to intubate their son (it was his turn that night) and the wife stayed to talk to me and tell me that if I ever needed them I call at any time. I ask her how they could be so giving while dealing with so much, and she told me that they found that giving made them happier. AT the end of the day, they believe that focusing on what they gave instead of what they had made them happy.

I know others have talked about how considering that others are less fortunate can help a person gain a perspective on what they have instead of what they do not have. I am not sure that is always true. I do believe that truly giving (i.e., helping whenever possible) does make you happier.

I lack the strength my friends showed me, and I still sometimes feel like I deserve better. However, I do try to give as often as I can and it does help.

Why were in an apartment with a 300k+ salary?! Do you mean the penthouse?

Ridiculous.

It’s just amazing that anyone can read the foregoing and their first impulse is to openly criticize a newly divorced woman with two kids for economizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I was in similar circumstances. I am in my mid-50, divorced, with two kids, and earning in the low $300K. I moved into a 2 bedroom apartment after we split because my daughter (who was then a junior in high school at the time) wanted to live with me.

About two months after we split, my friends (neighbors from my former neighborhood) invited me over for dinner. They are a great couple (very attractive, both come from wealthy families and both have high-paying jobs.) They have kids the same age as mine, one of whom is severely disabled.

They invited me over because they were worried I was lonely. After dinner, the husband went to intubate their son (it was his turn that night) and the wife stayed to talk to me and tell me that if I ever needed them I call at any time. I ask her how they could be so giving while dealing with so much, and she told me that they found that giving made them happier. AT the end of the day, they believe that focusing on what they gave instead of what they had made them happy.

I know others have talked about how considering that others are less fortunate can help a person gain a perspective on what they have instead of what they do not have. I am not sure that is always true. I do believe that truly giving (i.e., helping whenever possible) does make you happier.

I lack the strength my friends showed me, and I still sometimes feel like I deserve better. However, I do try to give as often as I can and it does help.

Why were in an apartment with a 300k+ salary?! Do you mean the penthouse?

Ridiculous.

No she is struggling is you read her very first post. Then she back peddled to say she earned 200k, not believable.

[Anonymous]

You don’t always get what you want,
But if you try sometime you find
You get what you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I was in similar circumstances. I am in my mid-50, divorced, with two kids, and earning in the low $300K. I moved into a 2 bedroom apartment after we split because my daughter (who was then a junior in high school at the time) wanted to live with me.

About two months after we split, my friends (neighbors from my former neighborhood) invited me over for dinner. They are a great couple (very attractive, both come from wealthy families and both have high-paying jobs.) They have kids the same age as mine, one of whom is severely disabled.

They invited me over because they were worried I was lonely. After dinner, the husband went to intubate their son (it was his turn that night) and the wife stayed to talk to me and tell me that if I ever needed them I call at any time. I ask her how they could be so giving while dealing with so much, and she told me that they found that giving made them happier. AT the end of the day, they believe that focusing on what they gave instead of what they had made them happy.

I know others have talked about how considering that others are less fortunate can help a person gain a perspective on what they have instead of what they do not have. I am not sure that is always true. I do believe that truly giving (i.e., helping whenever possible) does make you happier.

I lack the strength my friends showed me, and I still sometimes feel like I deserve better. However, I do try to give as often as I can and it does help.

Why were in an apartment with a 300k+ salary?! Do you mean the penthouse?

Ridiculous.

No she is struggling is you read her very first post. Then she back peddled to say she earned 200k, not believable.

These are not the same person. The OP makes $200K. The low $300K person is a respondent who was telling her story also.

[Anonymous]

Why were in an apartment with a 300k+ salary?! Do you mean the penthouse?

Ridiculous.

I think you mean "why was I in an apartment instead of a house" instead of "why were (sic) in an apartment." Correct?

I was in an apartment because I was not sure I wanted to remain in my daughter's school district long-term or even in NoVA long-term. Having an apartment kept us in her district without requiring me to buy a house. Also, I was putting my eldest through college at an out-of-state private university and I did not want to use my savings for a down payment when I needed it for some of his expenses.

You do not seem to understand financial decisions well. Do you need more help?

[Anonymous]

These are not the same person. The OP makes $200K. The low $300K person is a respondent who was telling her story also.

Thank you for your help in clarifying my response.

For the record, I am a man. I had primary physical custody of my daughter after my divorce. As noted above, I wanted an apartment because having one ensured she could graduate from high school with her friends while allowing me the option of moving when the lease was up.

Many people, including the PP who thought I could only live in a penthouse, do not understand basic finance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, as a data-driven culture we should be much more vocal about the vast material evidence that shows who you marry is the choice you make with the single greatest impact on your life[b]; more than money, career success, health, even children, the person you spend your life with will give your life immeasurable meaning or misery. A good marriage is a game-changer, and people belittling the grieving that takes place after a divorce are out of their minds. It’s like a death of a life that could have been.

I'm 51 and that is something I was always told. It's true for both women AND men.

Lots of studies out there. Unfortunately, so many people rush into things or just settle or make a a checklist or just look for a paycheck, ignore red flags, etc.

I definitely tell my kids all of this and to always earn their own $ too, even for the girls---keep one foot partially in the workforce always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, as a data-driven culture we should be much more vocal about the vast material evidence that shows who you marry is the choice you make with the single greatest impact on your life[b]; more than money, career success, health, even children, the person you spend your life with will give your life immeasurable meaning or misery. A good marriage is a game-changer, and people belittling the grieving that takes place after a divorce are out of their minds. It’s like a death of a life that could have been.

I'm 51 and that is something I was always told. It's true for both women AND men.

Lots of studies out there. Unfortunately, so many people rush into things or just settle or make a a checklist or just look for a paycheck, ignore red flags, etc.

I definitely tell my kids all of this and to always earn their own $ too, even for the girls---keep one foot partially in the workforce always.

I wish our culture talked about marriage as a choice about partnering with someone, not the marriage as the consequence of finding the love match “one”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I give myself credit where I have succeeded dealing with adversity that others do not see.

Same. Kudos.

[Anonymous]

When I feel this way I try to remember that the outwardly successful friends may have other challenges that I know nothing about.

Even those “successful” friends are probably envious of someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I give myself credit where I have succeeded dealing with adversity that others do not see.

Same. Kudos.

A great way to look at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, as a data-driven culture we should be much more vocal about the vast material evidence that shows who you marry is the choice you make with the single greatest impact on your life; more than money, career success, health, even children, the person you spend your life with will give your life immeasurable meaning or misery. A good marriage is a game-changer, and people belittling the grieving that takes place after a divorce are out of their minds. It’s like a death of a life that could have been.

This is true and I think more and more women realize this. Hence, the decrease of marriage and motherhood. Women are opting out all together.

But that is foolish. The answer to something with 50/50 odds of winnings isn’t to not play at all.

Actually, for many of us it is.

And it’s not at all true that you have 50/50 odds of marrying well. The odds are MUCH lower than 50%, from what I’ve seen. My half century of observation - including not only close observation of marriages of family, friends, colleagues but also a decade of working in family law and two decades in domestic violence advocacy and a decade in criminal law and dependency/neglect cases involving children in need of care - is that fully 75% of marriages are some level of unhealthy/dysfunctional ranging up to highly toxic, physically and emotionally abusive and/or posing serious risk of death to the wives and children.

Being solo in this life poses plenty of challenges and involves lots of pain at times for me, but I am also a child of toxic marriage with a very high ACE score who suffers from childhood PTSD (listening to mommy get raped and beaten repeatedly, beating being beaten and watching siblings getting beaten in early childhood is psychologically devastating), so I’m not the best model - I certainly know plenty of solo women who are more emotionally healthy than me. But all of us are free from danger in our own homes, free from emotionally toxicity in our own homes, free to make the choices we deem best for ourselves and our children in our own homes and free from servitude to another adult in our own homes. That’s a hell of a lot of incentive to just not play at all.