Friend who shunned me when I divorced has gotten in touch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did she say when she contacted you?

This. And then we can tell you how we'd respond. It really depends on what she said. And was it by text, email, or did she leave a voicemail?

OP here. It was via text. Aside from pandemic-related pleasantries, it said, "You may have heard that J and I have made the painful decision to divorce. This has really thrown me for a loop, and I could really use a friend to talk to right now. Do you have some time to chat in the next few days?"

I don't think I would even respond to a text like that. sounds like she did not even ask you how are you doing. she dump you at the time of your need, disappeared for years and then came back just to ask you to talk about her problems? she is calling you a friend but she has not been in touch for years. I would not respond at all, or just text her like the other poster said, something like "sorry to hear about your divorce, take care". I would not text any reference to the fact that you were hurt that she dumped you or anything, I would not waste any more time on this person, going back and forth on what happened in the past. you moved on so just enjoy your true friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey Jane. Sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. It was particularly hurtful when my former friends dumped me. Hope your friends treat you better than mine did. Best of luck.

Love this so much.

+2

+3

I'd write some version of this.

YEP. My salty a** who has been there would take this path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people drop friends when they get divorced?? That makes no sense! I’m happily married, but I’ve never felt that someone else’s divorce has anything to do with me or my friendships. That’s so odd to me.

I think some people feel like it's contagious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people drop friends when they get divorced?? That makes no sense! I’m happily married, but I’ve never felt that someone else’s divorce has anything to do with me or my friendships. That’s so odd to me.

Some people see their now-single friend as a threat, like she might go after their husband. Others think divorce might be "catching." And some think your status drops if you're not married, or you have some kind of stigma. Others think it's just "too hard" to socialize if you're not part of a couple. I don't get it, but some people really think that way.

The contagion of divorce is actually a thing, unfortunately, kind of like suicide. (I'm not excusing dropping friends. Just relaying the research.)

[Anonymous]

Wait. Op never explained what went down when she was getting divorced.

Did the friend make it clear that she refused to support you during the divorce? Or did she say something off hand that you interpreted in a certain way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did she say when she contacted you?

This. And then we can tell you how we'd respond. It really depends on what she said. And was it by text, email, or did she leave a voicemail?

OP here. It was via text. Aside from pandemic-related pleasantries, it said, "You may have heard that J and I have made the painful decision to divorce. This has really thrown me for a loop, and I could really use a friend to talk to right now. Do you have some time to chat in the next few days?"

Don't ignore the text. She doesn't think she did you wrong. This is the perfect opportunity for you to tell her how you feel/why you won't be her emotional support person. I'm sure you don't want to spend (waste) time with this person anymore, so now is the perfect time to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say "I'm so sorry Jane, I know how hard that is. Take good care."

I might even be a little warmer if I felt generous (There is peace on the other side, and I hope everything will work our for you. Or Wishing you all the best or something like that).

But I wouldn't go any further. I wouldn't be vindictive, and I wouldn't be encouraging. I'd just leave it there and would feel pretty comfortable with myself and that choice.

If she presses, or follow up, then I'd see what she said and make my next decision. A genuine apology might get some response from me, otherwise I'd probably wish her the best and then not get involved. "I'm sorry Jane. I really can empathize, but I also felt very hurt when you dropped contact with me X years ago and don't think I'm a good sounding board for you now. I do truly wish you the best. Take care."

This is the right answer. Classy, truthful, kind, but not selling yourself down the river.

+1 If you can work in 'divorce doula', extra points to you. Props to the PP who first referenced it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did she say when she contacted you?

This. And then we can tell you how we'd respond. It really depends on what she said. And was it by text, email, or did she leave a voicemail?

OP here. It was via text. Aside from pandemic-related pleasantries, it said, "You may have heard that J and I have made the painful decision to divorce. This has really thrown me for a loop, and I could really use a friend to talk to right now. Do you have some time to chat in the next few days?"

I'd respond something like, "I'm sorry to hear that you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. But I don't think I'm the right person for you to talk to. Five years ago, when I was going through the same thing, you and other people I thought were my friends dropped me and ignored my attempts to reach out, and it was very hurtful. I haven't even seen you in two years. I'm in a good place now, but I can't be part of your support system. I wish you the best of luck."

Agree 100%%%%

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I would not assume that she shunned you because of your divorce. If she's divorcing now, she was probably going through enough stuff in her own life that made it hard for her to be there for you.

So if you like her as a person, without considering the shunning, renew contact. If you didn't like her that much to begin with, well, you only have to say that you're sorry to hear and that you wish her the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did she say when she contacted you?

This. And then we can tell you how we'd respond. It really depends on what she said. And was it by text, email, or did she leave a voicemail?

OP here. It was via text. Aside from pandemic-related pleasantries, it said, "You may have heard that J and I have made the painful decision to divorce. This has really thrown me for a loop, and I could really use a friend to talk to right now. Do you have some time to chat in the next few days?"

I'd respond something like, "I'm sorry to hear that you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. But I don't think I'm the right person for you to talk to. Five years ago, when I was going through the same thing, you and other people I thought were my friends dropped me and ignored my attempts to reach out, and it was very hurtful. I haven't even seen you in two years. I'm in a good place now, but I can't be part of your support system. I wish you the best of luck."

This is a perfect response. I’m very impressed, PP!

OP, this woman was a jerk then and she’s a jerk now. After a long silence, she texts you with a request for a favor and doesn’t even bother to ask you about yourself in any meaningful way? (Or even any casual way?) She is selfish and she wants to use you. When she’s gotten what she wants from you she will dump you again. Let us know what you wind up doing and whether she responds and tries to excuse herself! If she does, don’t fall for it!

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't respond, not if you don't want to. Know your own mind. You are entitled to any response or no response. That doesn't mean you need to -know exactly- why you were ghosted. They had a preference then to, for whatever reason.

Just go forward. If she reaches out to you *enough* and you are comfortable, decide then if you want contact.

You get to decide. You don't get to know precisely why things are the way they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because now she is getting divorced and wants support.

She was one of a few good friends who dropped me when I got divorced five years ago. It was deliberate -- I was "accidentally" but probably purposely included on a group text, and my attempts to reach out to them after that were ignored, so I gave up after a while. Since then, I've only seen her once at a mutual friend's gathering about two years ago, where we were polite but distant.

She didn't apologize for or explain why she and the others cut me off. I know this often happens when people don't know how to respond to a friend's divorce, but it was really hurtful at the time. I'm in a good place now, but this churned up all those old feelings. 

How would you respond to this?

What do you mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey Jane. Sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. It was particularly hurtful when my former friends dumped me. Hope your friends treat you better than mine did. Best of luck.

Love this so much.

+2

+3

I'd write some version of this.

Yeah I would write something like this. It says a lot that she is now contacting you meaning she doesn't have many other friends. I would not be supporting her during this time. She has shown you what sort of a person she is, believe her.

You have moved on, you don't owe her anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey Jane. Sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. It was particularly hurtful when my former friends dumped me. Hope your friends treat you better than mine did. Best of luck.

Love this so much.

Yep! My divorce from an alcoholic narcissist took over two years-
Lost most of my friends. They can figure it out alone- like I did.

Don’t go back OP. They showed you who they are/ all you have to do is believe them

[Anonymous]

OP here. Sorry, was in Zoom Hell after I posted earlier.

To explain the background, I'd say it was pretty clear they wanted nothing more to do with me. We (three women aside from me) got together every couple of months prior to my divorce (and more frequently prior to us all having babies), and on the group email where they were arranging the next meeting and "accidentally" included me, one of them said something like, "Do we still have to include (OP)?" The others chimed in that they were fine with ghosting me, basically. One said that she didn't want that sadness around while she was trying to get pregnant again. One of the others always thought that other women were after her husband, so I guess she thought I was now a threat? Neither of these are the woman who texted me, though.

The PPs who discussed the various reasons that people shun their divorcing/divorced friend covered it well. I didn't respond to the group email (and they did not reply either, so I think they realized they'd included me and took the conversation elsewhere) but I reached out to them individually (text and a voicemail), and it was just radio silence, so I gave up.

I haven't responded to her yet. I want to sleep on it, but I'm definitely not going to be her divorce doula. (Thank you, PP, for this phrase - amazing!)