Friend who shunned me when I divorced has gotten in touch

[Anonymous]

"Sorry to hear that, Larla, I remember how hard it is. Five years on, I'm in a good place and hope the same for you. Good luck."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey Jane. Sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. It was particularly hurtful when my former friends dumped me. Hope your friends treat you better than mine did. Best of luck.

A variation of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did she say when she contacted you?

This. And then we can tell you how we'd respond. It really depends on what she said. And was it by text, email, or did she leave a voicemail?

OP here. It was via text. Aside from pandemic-related pleasantries, it said, "You may have heard that J and I have made the painful decision to divorce. This has really thrown me for a loop, and I could really use a friend to talk to right now. Do you have some time to chat in the next few days?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope.

When somebody shows who they are believe them the 1st time.

Yes, true. But consider this: maybe she knew her marriage was failing and was afraid leaning into this friendship would prevent her from denying that. Maybe she was being abused and couldn't be there for anybody. Maybe she was terrified to say the wrong thing. A rock solid marriage doesn't generally fall apart in just 5 years so she was probably scared to face truths that OP's situation would show her. Doesn't mean she wasn't a jerk... but, if she is able to apologize and recognize she failed you, I might give her another chance if you think she's otherwise a good person.

NP. I want to push back on the bolded. Five years is a long time-- plenty of time for things to go south in a marriage. Also, plenty of people divorce after being blindsided by an affair or other betrayal. See the relationship forum for a thousand examples.

[Anonymous]

Who cares what her excuse might be? Do not respond and hopefully she slithers away into obscurity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree to let it sit for a day or two, and see how you feel. Then, I vote for honesty.

"Hey. Sorry to hear you're going through a divorce. I'm a bit surprised to hear from you - when I was going through my divorce back in 2017, you and the rest of the whatever group seemed to drop me and didn't respond to my attempts to reach out. That was a really tough time for me, and I could have used your support."

Then wait and see what she has to say. Maybe she'll have an explanation or apology. Maybe she'll just respond defensively. But it's worth it to give her a chance if you miss her friendship.

If you don't miss the friendship and this has made you realize that you weren't a good fit or something, I agree with the other poster that you're under no obligation to be her "divorce doula" (love it) and you should feel free to ghost or not respond (or give non committal "sorry, that's tough. Best of luck." type responses.

Agree with this. If her shunning of you was as deliberate and explicit as you suggest, I think it's also a legit option to just ignore her text.

I would proceed based on what will serve your own emotional well-being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did she say when she contacted you?

This. And then we can tell you how we'd respond. It really depends on what she said. And was it by text, email, or did she leave a voicemail?

OP here. It was via text. Aside from pandemic-related pleasantries, it said, "You may have heard that J and I have made the painful decision to divorce. This has really thrown me for a loop, and I could really use a friend to talk to right now. Do you have some time to chat in the next few days?"

I'd respond something like, "I'm sorry to hear that you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. But I don't think I'm the right person for you to talk to. Five years ago, when I was going through the same thing, you and other people I thought were my friends dropped me and ignored my attempts to reach out, and it was very hurtful. I haven't even seen you in two years. I'm in a good place now, but I can't be part of your support system. I wish you the best of luck."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did she say when she contacted you?

This. And then we can tell you how we'd respond. It really depends on what she said. And was it by text, email, or did she leave a voicemail?

OP here. It was via text. Aside from pandemic-related pleasantries, it said, "You may have heard that J and I have made the painful decision to divorce. This has really thrown me for a loop, and I could really use a friend to talk to right now. Do you have some time to chat in the next few days?"

I think the response that everyone keeps responding to with a +1 (except the one "honesty" poster) is perfect. If you decide to respond let us know if you hear back.

[Anonymous]

I'd probably let her know that I was hurt by her actions and then I'd hold myself to a higher standard and help her out. I'm kind of a sucker though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did she say when she contacted you?

This. And then we can tell you how we'd respond. It really depends on what she said. And was it by text, email, or did she leave a voicemail?

OP here. It was via text. Aside from pandemic-related pleasantries, it said, "You may have heard that J and I have made the painful decision to divorce. This has really thrown me for a loop, and I could really use a friend to talk to right now. Do you have some time to chat in the next few days?"

I'd respond something like, "I'm sorry to hear that you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. But I don't think I'm the right person for you to talk to. Five years ago, when I was going through the same thing, you and other people I thought were my friends dropped me and ignored my attempts to reach out, and it was very hurtful. I haven't even seen you in two years. I'm in a good place now, but I can't be part of your support system. I wish you the best of luck."

To add: that's assuming you even want to respond at all. Ignoring the message is a perfectly legitimate option for someone you haven't seen or spoken to in two years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd probably let her know that I was hurt by her actions and then I'd hold myself to a higher standard and help her out. I'm kind of a sucker though.

I'd try to be gracious in my response, but I'm not listening to her sob about her divorce. If it were me, I'd wouldn't be putting myself out for someone who isn't a friend anymore. It's not an emergency situation; she can reach out to her friends and family.

[Anonymous]

On the flip side, I feel like my friends who have gotten divorced fell off the face of the Earth. They were like "btw I got divorced 6 months ago." And I would be stunned and shocked because I'd texted daily and had met up with them a dozen times during that time and they didn't mention it once. So much for being maid of honor. Clearly we weren't as good of friends as I'd thought.

I don't know anyone who shuns their friends who get divorced, normally it's the divorced friend who ghosts them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey Jane. Sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. It was particularly hurtful when my former friends dumped me. Hope your friends treat you better than mine did. Best of luck.

Love this so much.

+2

+3

I'd write some version of this.

-1000

What are you guys, 12 years old? This is a middle school type response.

(I'm the PP who wrote the "honesty" response above)

What if the response is "honesty"? I mean, that's pretty much how I'd feel if someone did this -- I'd feel sorry for her, but what she did WAS "particularly hurtful." And I wouldn't consider her a friend anymore, and I could honestly wish that her friends are nicer to her than she was to me. It's not a vindictive response, it's just blunt. It conveys that we are not friends anymore and she should not count on me for any support.

I'm the -1000 poster from this little chain. No, this is not honesty, it's snark. If you want honesty, say "Your response when I was divorcing was really hurtful. I hope you get through this and that you have other friends who can provide support, but after how you treated me, I'm not the best person for that role. Best of luck." or something similar. Referring to her in the third person like that ("my former friends") is snarky and immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey Jane. Sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. It was particularly hurtful when my former friends dumped me. Hope your friends treat you better than mine did. Best of luck.

Love this so much.

+2

+3

I'd write some version of this.

-1000

What are you guys, 12 years old? This is a middle school type response.

(I'm the PP who wrote the "honesty" response above)

What if the response is "honesty"? I mean, that's pretty much how I'd feel if someone did this -- I'd feel sorry for her, but what she did WAS "particularly hurtful." And I wouldn't consider her a friend anymore, and I could honestly wish that her friends are nicer to her than she was to me. It's not a vindictive response, it's just blunt. It conveys that we are not friends anymore and she should not count on me for any support.

I'm the -1000 poster from this little chain. No, this is not honesty, it's snark. If you want honesty, say "Your response when I was divorcing was really hurtful. I hope you get through this and that you have other friends who can provide support, but after how you treated me, I'm not the best person for that role. Best of luck." or something similar. Referring to her in the third person like that ("my former friends") is snarky and immature.

How is it snarky? Bc it’s the truth? They were former friends. She did dump OP and hopefully she has better friends bc her and OP are no longer friends. This woman doesn’t deserve a long drawn out response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree to let it sit for a day or two, and see how you feel. Then, I vote for honesty.

"Hey. Sorry to hear you're going through a divorce. I'm a bit surprised to hear from you - when I was going through my divorce back in 2017, you and the rest of the whatever group seemed to drop me and didn't respond to my attempts to reach out. That was a really tough time for me, and I could have used your support."

Then wait and see what she has to say. Maybe she'll have an explanation or apology. Maybe she'll just respond defensively. But it's worth it to give her a chance if you miss her friendship.

If you don't miss the friendship and this has made you realize that you weren't a good fit or something, I agree with the other poster that you're under no obligation to be her "divorce doula" (love it) and you should feel free to ghost or not respond (or give non committal "sorry, that's tough. Best of luck." type responses.

I'd vote for this approach. If nothing else, it is worth hearing what she has to say about it. You might end up with a nice reconnection. Or she might be self-centered and just looking for a divorce doula (awesome expression, be sure to use it with her if this is the case). You will never know if you don't respond honestly.