Friend who shunned me when I divorced has gotten in touch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the flip side, I feel like my friends who have gotten divorced fell off the face of the Earth. They were like "btw I got divorced 6 months ago." And I would be stunned and shocked because I'd texted daily and had met up with them a dozen times during that time and they didn't mention it once. So much for being maid of honor. Clearly we weren't as good of friends as I'd thought.

I don't know anyone who shuns their friends who get divorced, normally it's the divorced friend who ghosts them.

My partner of 22 years left me last year. It's embarrassing and painful and sometimes it's hard for me to even choke through the words without my voice shaking. I've talked to a handful of very close friends in detail but casually mentioning it to other friends has been hard. It feels odd to bring it up, it's still really painful to talk about, and the thought of hearing disappointment or sadness from others or having to explain or answer questions makes me feel like crawling in a hole and shutting down. Unless there are other red flags within the friendship or it's someone that you would consider a BFF, try to keep an open mind and know that it might not at all be a reflection of your friendship. It's like grieving and there are stages to this thing.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Hey Jane. Sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. It was particularly hurtful when my former friends dumped me. Hope your friends treat you better than mine did. Best of luck.

Love this so much.

+2

+3

I'd write some version of this.

-1000

What are you guys, 12 years old? This is a middle school type response.

(I'm the PP who wrote the "honesty" response above)

What if the response is "honesty"? I mean, that's pretty much how I'd feel if someone did this -- I'd feel sorry for her, but what she did WAS "particularly hurtful." And I wouldn't consider her a friend anymore, and I could honestly wish that her friends are nicer to her than she was to me. It's not a vindictive response, it's just blunt. It conveys that we are not friends anymore and she should not count on me for any support.

I'm the -1000 poster from this little chain. No, this is not honesty, it's snark. If you want honesty, say "Your response when I was divorcing was really hurtful. I hope you get through this and that you have other friends who can provide support, but after how you treated me, I'm not the best person for that role. Best of luck." or something similar. Referring to her in the third person like that ("my former friends") is snarky and immature.

How is it snarky? Bc it’s the truth? They were former friends. She did dump OP and hopefully she has better friends bc her and OP are no longer friends. This woman doesn’t deserve a long drawn out response.

The truth is "It was very hurtful when you dumped me." Saying "it was hurtful when my former friends dumped me" when you're talking to one of the former friends, is juvenile and snarky.

[Anonymous]

Why do people drop friends when they get divorced?? That makes no sense! I’m happily married, but I’ve never felt that someone else’s divorce has anything to do with me or my friendships. That’s so odd to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Hey Jane. Sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. It was particularly hurtful when my former friends dumped me. Hope your friends treat you better than mine did. Best of luck.

Love this so much.

+2

+3

I'd write some version of this.

-1000

What are you guys, 12 years old? This is a middle school type response.

(I'm the PP who wrote the "honesty" response above)

What if the response is "honesty"? I mean, that's pretty much how I'd feel if someone did this -- I'd feel sorry for her, but what she did WAS "particularly hurtful." And I wouldn't consider her a friend anymore, and I could honestly wish that her friends are nicer to her than she was to me. It's not a vindictive response, it's just blunt. It conveys that we are not friends anymore and she should not count on me for any support.

I'm the -1000 poster from this little chain. No, this is not honesty, it's snark. If you want honesty, say "Your response when I was divorcing was really hurtful. I hope you get through this and that you have other friends who can provide support, but after how you treated me, I'm not the best person for that role. Best of luck." or something similar. Referring to her in the third person like that ("my former friends") is snarky and immature.

How is it snarky? Bc it’s the truth? They were former friends. She did dump OP and hopefully she has better friends bc her and OP are no longer friends. This woman doesn’t deserve a long drawn out response.

The truth is "It was very hurtful when you dumped me." Saying "it was hurtful when my former friends dumped me" when you're talking to one of the former friends, is juvenile and snarky.

But it's the truth. From the OP "She was one of a few good friends who dropped me when I got divorced five years ago. "

[Anonymous]

Wow, she's not even self aware enough to acknowledge how she ignored you and dumped you at a very painful stage of your life. I'd be tempted to ignore.

You do not want to be sucked into her drama now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people drop friends when they get divorced?? That makes no sense! I’m happily married, but I’ve never felt that someone else’s divorce has anything to do with me or my friendships. That’s so odd to me.

Some people see their now-single friend as a threat, like she might go after their husband. Others think divorce might be "catching." And some think your status drops if you're not married, or you have some kind of stigma. Others think it's just "too hard" to socialize if you're not part of a couple. I don't get it, but some people really think that way.

[Anonymous]

Be nice and supportive. Maybe she has grown as a person. Be the person you wish she would have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be nice and supportive. Maybe she has grown as a person. Be the person you wish she would have.

Don't do this, unless you really feel like you can and want to. She's not your friend anymore. You don't owe her anything, except to be respectful and polite in your reply, whatever it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people drop friends when they get divorced?? That makes no sense! I’m happily married, but I’ve never felt that someone else’s divorce has anything to do with me or my friendships. That’s so odd to me.

Some people see their now-single friend as a threat, like she might go after their husband. Others think divorce might be "catching." And some think your status drops if you're not married, or you have some kind of stigma. Others think it's just "too hard" to socialize if you're not part of a couple. I don't get it, but some people really think that way.

I agree with this. I don't think it's always intentional. You just start getting left out of couple/family things over time and eventually there is no friendship left. I have been very clear with friends that I'm fine with being the 3rd, 5th, 7th whatever wheel if they are fine with it. A lot of people feel like inviting you to an event with couples will somehow make you as a single person feel uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people drop friends when they get divorced?? That makes no sense! I’m happily married, but I’ve never felt that someone else’s divorce has anything to do with me or my friendships. That’s so odd to me.

Some people see their now-single friend as a threat, like she might go after their husband. Others think divorce might be "catching." And some think your status drops if you're not married, or you have some kind of stigma. Others think it's just "too hard" to socialize if you're not part of a couple. I don't get it, but some people really think that way.

Thank you for explaining. That makes me sad. I guess those friendships were kind of shallow, huh?

[Anonymous]

I would say "I'm so sorry Jane, I know how hard that is. Take good care."

I might even be a little warmer if I felt generous (There is peace on the other side, and I hope everything will work our for you. Or Wishing you all the best or something like that).

But I wouldn't go any further. I wouldn't be vindictive, and I wouldn't be encouraging. I'd just leave it there and would feel pretty comfortable with myself and that choice.

If she presses, or follow up, then I'd see what she said and make my next decision. A genuine apology might get some response from me, otherwise I'd probably wish her the best and then not get involved. "I'm sorry Jane. I really can empathize, but I also felt very hurt when you dropped contact with me X years ago and don't think I'm a good sounding board for you now. I do truly wish you the best. Take care."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey Jane. Sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. It was particularly hurtful when my former friends dumped me. Hope your friends treat you better than mine did. Best of luck.

This is what I would say. Because while I don't believe in kicking someone while they're down, I also don't believe in letting people get away with treating me like shit and then expecting me to be their friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say "I'm so sorry Jane, I know how hard that is. Take good care."

I might even be a little warmer if I felt generous (There is peace on the other side, and I hope everything will work our for you. Or Wishing you all the best or something like that).

But I wouldn't go any further. I wouldn't be vindictive, and I wouldn't be encouraging. I'd just leave it there and would feel pretty comfortable with myself and that choice.

If she presses, or follow up, then I'd see what she said and make my next decision. A genuine apology might get some response from me, otherwise I'd probably wish her the best and then not get involved. "I'm sorry Jane. I really can empathize, but I also felt very hurt when you dropped contact with me X years ago and don't think I'm a good sounding board for you now. I do truly wish you the best. Take care."

This is the right answer. Classy, truthful, kind, but not selling yourself down the river.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say "I'm so sorry Jane, I know how hard that is. Take good care."

I might even be a little warmer if I felt generous (There is peace on the other side, and I hope everything will work our for you. Or Wishing you all the best or something like that).

But I wouldn't go any further. I wouldn't be vindictive, and I wouldn't be encouraging. I'd just leave it there and would feel pretty comfortable with myself and that choice.

If she presses, or follow up, then I'd see what she said and make my next decision. A genuine apology might get some response from me, otherwise I'd probably wish her the best and then not get involved. "I'm sorry Jane. I really can empathize, but I also felt very hurt when you dropped contact with me X years ago and don't think I'm a good sounding board for you now. I do truly wish you the best. Take care."

This is the right answer. Classy, truthful, kind, but not selling yourself down the river.

Except if she doesn’t text back, then you never really say what needs to be said.

Have you texted back yet, OP?

You shouldn’t ignore the text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say "I'm so sorry Jane, I know how hard that is. Take good care."

I might even be a little warmer if I felt generous (There is peace on the other side, and I hope everything will work our for you. Or Wishing you all the best or something like that).

But I wouldn't go any further. I wouldn't be vindictive, and I wouldn't be encouraging. I'd just leave it there and would feel pretty comfortable with myself and that choice.

If she presses, or follow up, then I'd see what she said and make my next decision. A genuine apology might get some response from me, otherwise I'd probably wish her the best and then not get involved. "I'm sorry Jane. I really can empathize, but I also felt very hurt when you dropped contact with me X years ago and don't think I'm a good sounding board for you now. I do truly wish you the best. Take care."

This, acknowledge the text but keep it short and simple. This isn't your friend.