Friend who shunned me when I divorced has gotten in touch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read all the replies, just wanted to say this: you said you’re in a good place now. Understandably this churns up some sadness from what she and the other friends did to you, but if you can get past that and be a friend to her, nothing says you have a hold a grudge. Grudges hurt the holder usually more than the person who is focus of the grudge. Beyond that, you know she’s in pain. You’re not obligated to be supportive, but if you cared about her, and could still care about her, why not?

There’s so much shit in the world. Everyone is damaged. If you’re the bigger person, no reason not to show your friend some love.

I don’t think OP is holding a grudge here, but even if she was, I wouldn’t say it was the source of her hurt. The source of her hurt is her divorce and the actions of her former friends, who acted callously and coldly. It’s important to assign responsibility for things where they belong. OP isn’t responsible for what her former friends did. If she were having trouble moving on (which it sounds like she has), I’d suggest seeing a therapist until she could be free if it.

But I would not suggest providing emotional support to this ex-friend who has never acknowledged or apologized for what she did, and now expects OP to “be the bigger person” and help her. It sounds like OP is already big enough, thanks. Her former friend, however, could stand to grow as a person and accept some responsibility for what she did. Asking OP for help now that she is going through something similar is just selfish.

Now, if the friend had reached out and said “Now that I’m going through my own divorce, I realize how unkind I was to you at a time when you obviously needed support. I am so sorry for the hurt I caused.” Then I would suggest responding with kindness. But that’s not what’s happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly did she say when she contacted you?

This. And then we can tell you how we'd respond. It really depends on what she said. And was it by text, email, or did she leave a voicemail?

OP here. It was via text. Aside from pandemic-related pleasantries, it said, "You may have heard that J and I have made the painful decision to divorce. This has really thrown me for a loop, and I could really use a friend to talk to right now. Do you have some time to chat in the next few days?"

Nope to the nope nope nopity nope! Ignore.

[Anonymous]

It's OP again. I haven't responded to her text and don't plan to. It honestly slipped my mind as things got busy toward the end of the week. I don't harbor any ill will toward her and her family, but I also don't feel obligated when she hasn't really acknowledged anything or apologized. Thank you for all of your responses!

[Anonymous]

This happened to me. My friends gave me no support during pregnancy and with infant. Or little support. Told me to stay away with baby. Then wanted support when they all had kids. We are still friends, but not mom friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's OP again. I haven't responded to her text and don't plan to. It honestly slipped my mind as things got busy toward the end of the week. I don't harbor any ill will toward her and her family, but I also don't feel obligated when she hasn't really acknowledged anything or apologized. Thank you for all of your responses!

Thanks for the update, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's OP again. I haven't responded to her text and don't plan to. It honestly slipped my mind as things got busy toward the end of the week. I don't harbor any ill will toward her and her family, but I also don't feel obligated when she hasn't really acknowledged anything or apologized. Thank you for all of your responses!

That's as good a response as any OP, and indicative of the fact that you're truly moved on. Good for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t. I don’t have time for that shit. I love PP’s example of Divorce Doula. She didn’t give a crap about you for five years but now you’re relatable. Whatever. You don’t need her.

This.
Sorry.

I wouldn't go out of my way to be cruel. But, you reap what you sow and I'd pay her no attention whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's OP again. I haven't responded to her text and don't plan to. It honestly slipped my mind as things got busy toward the end of the week. I don't harbor any ill will toward her and her family, but I also don't feel obligated when she hasn't really acknowledged anything or apologized. Thank you for all of your responses!

Good for you. I think that's the right choice. Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's OP again. I haven't responded to her text and don't plan to. It honestly slipped my mind as things got busy toward the end of the week. I don't harbor any ill will toward her and her family, but I also don't feel obligated when she hasn't really acknowledged anything or apologized. Thank you for all of your responses!

That's as good a response as any OP, and indicative of the fact that you're truly moved on. Good for you!

+1 Let us know if she contacts you again!