Friend who shunned me when I divorced has gotten in touch

[Anonymous]

No, they have already shown they are not a true friend. You are under no obligation to respond much less become friendly with them again now that they need you. That said, I may hear them out and see if they have a compelling reason why they lost touch. I would then decide if I want to engage further. Personally I usually do not go back to friends that have shown themselves to be untrustworthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, the person who is getting divorced is the one who does the ghosting. This has happened multiple times. They kind of disappear.

My childhood best friend is twice divorced. She kind of spiraled out of control both times. First time she was a wreck. She had a mental breakdown. Second divorce she started blaming others and was just plain awful to everyone. Both times she kind of disappeared and didn’t want to deal with people. We have recently reconnected. I didn’t drop her. I just gave her some space.

We have many friends who were family friends who went through divorce. Every single one of them became silent and stopped socializing for a while..understandably. One friend is going through a divorce now. The husband hangs out with my Dh but she won’t even respond to a happy new year text to me. She used to at least respond to emails and texts but now she just ignores them. If she reaches out after the dust settles, I wouldn’t hold it against her. My son had a good friend who I thought his mom was so rude and flaky. I found out they went through a bad divorce during that time. Later, she became a good friend. I still remember thinking she was so rude and how I wrote her off.

My ex was abusive. I would also not respond to people who continued to be friends with him, if they knew. My guess is that she feels vulnerable and exposed by your husband still hanging out with her EX husband. No shame in that. I did the very same. People who continued to maintain relationships with an abusive man were simply not people I wanted in my life, it was a purposeful choice.

[Anonymous]

Choose one of the suggestions that makes it clear that the reason you won't be her support is because she didn't support you during your divorce. And mention the text. Do not be vague.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry, was in Zoom Hell after I posted earlier.

To explain the background, I'd say it was pretty clear they wanted nothing more to do with me. We (three women aside from me) got together every couple of months prior to my divorce (and more frequently prior to us all having babies), and on the group email where they were arranging the next meeting and "accidentally" included me, one of them said something like, "Do we still have to include (OP)?" The others chimed in that they were fine with ghosting me, basically. One said that she didn't want that sadness around while she was trying to get pregnant again. One of the others always thought that other women were after her husband, so I guess she thought I was now a threat? Neither of these are the woman who texted me, though.

The PPs who discussed the various reasons that people shun their divorcing/divorced friend covered it well. I didn't respond to the group email (and they did not reply either, so I think they realized they'd included me and took the conversation elsewhere) but I reached out to them individually (text and a voicemail), and it was just radio silence, so I gave up.

I haven't responded to her yet. I want to sleep on it, but I'm definitely not going to be her divorce doula. (Thank you, PP, for this phrase - amazing!)

My God. No, you say, "I'm sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. The most difficult part is how it often seems to end friendships, right when you need them the most. It is a very painful adjustment, but I'm sure you'll make it through. Best of luck to you! XOXO Larla

This. This is perfect.

I don't like this because the ex-friend will not recognize herself in the situation. You need to add something concise and simple like "you ghosted me when I was trying to get support from my friends 5 years ago. I haven't considered us friends since. "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, the person who is getting divorced is the one who does the ghosting. This has happened multiple times. They kind of disappear.

My childhood best friend is twice divorced. She kind of spiraled out of control both times. First time she was a wreck. She had a mental breakdown. Second divorce she started blaming others and was just plain awful to everyone. Both times she kind of disappeared and didn’t want to deal with people. We have recently reconnected. I didn’t drop her. I just gave her some space.

We have many friends who were family friends who went through divorce. Every single one of them became silent and stopped socializing for a while..understandably. One friend is going through a divorce now. The husband hangs out with my Dh but she won’t even respond to a happy new year text to me. She used to at least respond to emails and texts but now she just ignores them. If she reaches out after the dust settles, I wouldn’t hold it against her. My son had a good friend who I thought his mom was so rude and flaky. I found out they went through a bad divorce during that time. Later, she became a good friend. I still remember thinking she was so rude and how I wrote her off.

My ex was abusive. I would also not respond to people who continued to be friends with him, if they knew. My guess is that she feels vulnerable and exposed by your husband still hanging out with her EX husband. No shame in that. I did the very same. People who continued to maintain relationships with an abusive man were simply not people I wanted in my life, it was a purposeful choice.

Yup. Two friends of mine remained friends with my ex after I told them he was emotionally abusive. Then I told them he was physically abusive too and they conveniently forgot and denied I had ever told them. But that was before they had daughters and decided they cared about women's issues. Pieces of crap.

[Anonymous]

Screen shot that email exchange and send it to her with no additional context?

(admittedly, that's pretty passive aggressive)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, the person who is getting divorced is the one who does the ghosting. This has happened multiple times. They kind of disappear.

My childhood best friend is twice divorced. She kind of spiraled out of control both times. First time she was a wreck. She had a mental breakdown. Second divorce she started blaming others and was just plain awful to everyone. Both times she kind of disappeared and didn’t want to deal with people. We have recently reconnected. I didn’t drop her. I just gave her some space.

We have many friends who were family friends who went through divorce. Every single one of them became silent and stopped socializing for a while..understandably. One friend is going through a divorce now. The husband hangs out with my Dh but she won’t even respond to a happy new year text to me. She used to at least respond to emails and texts but now she just ignores them. If she reaches out after the dust settles, I wouldn’t hold it against her. My son had a good friend who I thought his mom was so rude and flaky. I found out they went through a bad divorce during that time. Later, she became a good friend. I still remember thinking she was so rude and how I wrote her off.

My ex was abusive. I would also not respond to people who continued to be friends with him, if they knew. My guess is that she feels vulnerable and exposed by your husband still hanging out with her EX husband. No shame in that. I did the very same. People who continued to maintain relationships with an abusive man were simply not people I wanted in my life, it was a purposeful choice.

Yup. Two friends of mine remained friends with my ex after I told them he was emotionally abusive. Then I told them he was physically abusive too and they conveniently forgot and denied I had ever told them. But that was before they had daughters and decided they cared about women's issues. Pieces of crap.

I'm the PP above that you responded to, I just want to say I'm sorry. Being unseen, unheard, or hearing "We don't want to take sides, just want what's best for the kids" was the most disorienting and painful experience of my life. I felt like, if you DON'T take a side against abuse, you either

1. Condone abuse
or
2. Don't believe me

and it put me in the position of: Let me make this easy for you, i will take a side for you, if the above is who you are. I side against you and your "friendship"

Its still incredibly triggering, just reading the above about how its women's fault they are ghosted because we don't text back while our friends husbands are out drinking or cavorting with our ex spouses sets my teeth on edge.

I am sorry you experienced similar and hope that your life, like mine, is much better now. I see you and I believe you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry, was in Zoom Hell after I posted earlier.

To explain the background, I'd say it was pretty clear they wanted nothing more to do with me. We (three women aside from me) got together every couple of months prior to my divorce (and more frequently prior to us all having babies), and on the group email where they were arranging the next meeting and "accidentally" included me, one of them said something like, "Do we still have to include (OP)?" The others chimed in that they were fine with ghosting me, basically. One said that she didn't want that sadness around while she was trying to get pregnant again. One of the others always thought that other women were after her husband, so I guess she thought I was now a threat? Neither of these are the woman who texted me, though.

The PPs who discussed the various reasons that people shun their divorcing/divorced friend covered it well. I didn't respond to the group email (and they did not reply either, so I think they realized they'd included me and took the conversation elsewhere) but I reached out to them individually (text and a voicemail), and it was just radio silence, so I gave up.

I haven't responded to her yet. I want to sleep on it, but I'm definitely not going to be her divorce doula. (Thank you, PP, for this phrase - amazing!)

That's HORRIBLE. I would never be mean like that to someone going through a divorce. What are friends for?????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, the person who is getting divorced is the one who does the ghosting. This has happened multiple times. They kind of disappear.

My childhood best friend is twice divorced. She kind of spiraled out of control both times. First time she was a wreck. She had a mental breakdown. Second divorce she started blaming others and was just plain awful to everyone. Both times she kind of disappeared and didn’t want to deal with people. We have recently reconnected. I didn’t drop her. I just gave her some space.

We have many friends who were family friends who went through divorce. Every single one of them became silent and stopped socializing for a while..understandably. One friend is going through a divorce now. The husband hangs out with my Dh but she won’t even respond to a happy new year text to me. She used to at least respond to emails and texts but now she just ignores them. If she reaches out after the dust settles, I wouldn’t hold it against her. My son had a good friend who I thought his mom was so rude and flaky. I found out they went through a bad divorce during that time. Later, she became a good friend. I still remember thinking she was so rude and how I wrote her off.

Same. My friends who have gotten divorced just dropped off the face of the earth. It hurt. I was supportive too and a good listener. One simply abandoned her 3 children and ran off to another state with a boyfriend. I think she basically just had a breakdown, but her kids were the ones who really struggled. She still messages me every few months and tells me how awesome it is to not be a full time mom. I think we've clearly just grown too far apart to be friends anymore because I can't agree with anything she says or her actions. I'm sure she tells everyone about how I snubbed her when she got divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, the person who is getting divorced is the one who does the ghosting. This has happened multiple times. They kind of disappear.

My childhood best friend is twice divorced. She kind of spiraled out of control both times. First time she was a wreck. She had a mental breakdown. Second divorce she started blaming others and was just plain awful to everyone. Both times she kind of disappeared and didn’t want to deal with people. We have recently reconnected. I didn’t drop her. I just gave her some space.

We have many friends who were family friends who went through divorce. Every single one of them became silent and stopped socializing for a while..understandably. One friend is going through a divorce now. The husband hangs out with my Dh but she won’t even respond to a happy new year text to me. She used to at least respond to emails and texts but now she just ignores them. If she reaches out after the dust settles, I wouldn’t hold it against her. My son had a good friend who I thought his mom was so rude and flaky. I found out they went through a bad divorce during that time. Later, she became a good friend. I still remember thinking she was so rude and how I wrote her off.

My ex was abusive. I would also not respond to people who continued to be friends with him, if they knew. My guess is that she feels vulnerable and exposed by your husband still hanging out with her EX husband. No shame in that. I did the very same. People who continued to maintain relationships with an abusive man were simply not people I wanted in my life, it was a purposeful choice.

First, very sorry your ex was abusive but glad he is your ex. Good for you for setting boundaries.

But yes, this is what I was going to say, too. Even in a non-abusive relationship, if there is conflict or distrust, it may be very hard for people to maintain relationships with people they know still socialize with their ex.

I am especially careful with people who I know like to gossip. Even if they keep it lighthearted. No way would I want to invest in a friendship with someone who might casually share details about my life with my ex in a way that might make me feel exposed. Obviously people are going to talk, but I don't need to facilitate.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have been through something similar and my advice is no response.

The problem with responding, even to say "you hurt me and I can't help you right now" is that the other person won't see it that way. I totally agree with you and I think your ex-friend is being obtuse and selfish. But I'm sure she's convinced herself that you guys just "grew apart" or that she was somehow justified in what she did. So if you engage by explaining why you don't want to be her "divorce doula" (ha, that really is a great phrase), she will almost certainly get defensive and either lash out at you or try to engage you in a back and forth to convince you either that what she did wasn't so bad, or that she didn't realize she'd done something wrong, or that she's changed.

Whatever she's going through with her divorce is going to influence this, too. She's gonna have all these feelings over her divorce and they will overshadow her memory of what happened with you and her ability to think about your friendship critically. She's going to respond from a place of big feelings, many of which might be misplaced.

If I were in your position, I'd write a draft text or email of why you don't want to help her, and then not send it. Delete her text and move on with your awesome life. If you feel yourself unsure about this decision, you can go reread that draft of a response to remind you of why you decided not to engage.

[Anonymous]

Don’t respond. Block.

[Anonymous]

"New phone who dis?"

[Anonymous]

Jane?? Is that you? I was wondering what happened when you and the girls ghosted me when I was getting divorced. Remember that group text you guys sent around about dumping me? Crazy how karma works, right? JK ;0)
In all seriousness, I’m truly sorry you’re going through this. I know how hard it is. But I’m sure you understand why I can’t be your divorce doula, right? Lean on the other girls. You’ll get through this. I’m much stronger now, and you will be, too. It just takes time. Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, did you end up responding? What did you say?