Friend who shunned me when I divorced has gotten in touch
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Anonymous
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Because now she is getting divorced and wants support.
She was one of a few good friends who dropped me when I got divorced five years ago. It was deliberate -- I was "accidentally" but probably purposely included on a group text, and my attempts to reach out to them after that were ignored, so I gave up after a while. Since then, I've only seen her once at a mutual friend's gathering about two years ago, where we were polite but distant. She didn't apologize for or explain why she and the others cut me off. I know this often happens when people don't know how to respond to a friend's divorce, but it was really hurtful at the time. I'm in a good place now, but this churned up all those old feelings. How would you respond to this? |
Anonymous
| I’d let it settle and decide in a few days if I want to respond. You aren’t obligated to be her divorce doula. |
Anonymous
| I wouldn’t. I don’t have time for that shit. I love PP’s example of Divorce Doula. She didn’t give a crap about you for five years but now you’re relatable. Whatever. You don’t need her. |
Anonymous
| I'd just ignore her. If you get close again she might just drop you again later. |
Anonymous
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Only you can answer this question, if you want to be friends again, go for it. It may be that she actually thought you handled yourself well, considering that you were one of the people she thought to reconnect with.
I personally lost friends in my divorce and wouldn't look to reconnect, everything about my life has changed (and thats OK-- but old friendships I question!) |
Anonymous
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Nope.
When somebody shows who they are believe them the 1st time. |
Anonymous
| What exactly did she say when she contacted you? |
Anonymous
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Agree to let it sit for a day or two, and see how you feel. Then, I vote for honesty.
"Hey. Sorry to hear you're going through a divorce. I'm a bit surprised to hear from you - when I was going through my divorce back in 2017, you and the rest of the whatever group seemed to drop me and didn't respond to my attempts to reach out. That was a really tough time for me, and I could have used your support." Then wait and see what she has to say. Maybe she'll have an explanation or apology. Maybe she'll just respond defensively. But it's worth it to give her a chance if you miss her friendship. If you don't miss the friendship and this has made you realize that you weren't a good fit or something, I agree with the other poster that you're under no obligation to be her "divorce doula" (love it) and you should feel free to ghost or not respond (or give non committal "sorry, that's tough. Best of luck." type responses. |
Anonymous
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Hey Jane. Sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. It was particularly hurtful when my former friends dumped me. Hope your friends treat you better than mine did. Best of luck.
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Anonymous
This. And then we can tell you how we'd respond. It really depends on what she said. And was it by text, email, or did she leave a voicemail? |
Anonymous
| Nope. I was also deliberated shunned when I went through a major trauma, and while it’s been years, I would never open the door to any of these people again. They showed their true colors and there are simply too many other people in the world. I don’t owe them anything and neither do you OP, especially when this woman hasn’t come out of the gate with a MAJOR apology. And the fact she is reaching out to you — when there are so many divorced people out there, including people she presumably hasn’t dropped over the years — has an extra ring of user/manipulative to it. |
Anonymous
+1. This is what I'd say. |
Anonymous
Love this so much. |
Anonymous
+2 |
Anonymous
+3 I'd write some version of this. |