Friend who shunned me when I divorced has gotten in touch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry, was in Zoom Hell after I posted earlier.

To explain the background, I'd say it was pretty clear they wanted nothing more to do with me. We (three women aside from me) got together every couple of months prior to my divorce (and more frequently prior to us all having babies), and on the group email where they were arranging the next meeting and "accidentally" included me, one of them said something like, "Do we still have to include (OP)?" The others chimed in that they were fine with ghosting me, basically. One said that she didn't want that sadness around while she was trying to get pregnant again. One of the others always thought that other women were after her husband, so I guess she thought I was now a threat? Neither of these are the woman who texted me, though.

The PPs who discussed the various reasons that people shun their divorcing/divorced friend covered it well. I didn't respond to the group email (and they did not reply either, so I think they realized they'd included me and took the conversation elsewhere) but I reached out to them individually (text and a voicemail), and it was just radio silence, so I gave up.

I haven't responded to her yet. I want to sleep on it, but I'm definitely not going to be her divorce doula. (Thank you, PP, for this phrase - amazing!)

This is awful, OP. I’m sorry they treated you this way.

Keep us posted on what you decide. Whether you want to call her out, send a bare minimum response or ignore it, you are in the right.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry, was in Zoom Hell after I posted earlier.

To explain the background, I'd say it was pretty clear they wanted nothing more to do with me. We (three women aside from me) got together every couple of months prior to my divorce (and more frequently prior to us all having babies), and on the group email where they were arranging the next meeting and "accidentally" included me, one of them said something like, "Do we still have to include (OP)?" The others chimed in that they were fine with ghosting me, basically. One said that she didn't want that sadness around while she was trying to get pregnant again. One of the others always thought that other women were after her husband, so I guess she thought I was now a threat? Neither of these are the woman who texted me, though.

The PPs who discussed the various reasons that people shun their divorcing/divorced friend covered it well. I didn't respond to the group email (and they did not reply either, so I think they realized they'd included me and took the conversation elsewhere) but I reached out to them individually (text and a voicemail), and it was just radio silence, so I gave up.

I haven't responded to her yet. I want to sleep on it, but I'm definitely not going to be her divorce doula. (Thank you, PP, for this phrase - amazing!)

This is awful, OP. I’m sorry they treated you this way.

Keep us posted on what you decide. Whether you want to call her out, send a bare minimum response or ignore it, you are in the right.

Good luck!

Oof. Yeah, you don't owe these folks any energy whatsoever, unless you want to dish snark at them.

[Anonymous]

Goddamn, the absolute nerve of your former friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry, was in Zoom Hell after I posted earlier.

To explain the background, I'd say it was pretty clear they wanted nothing more to do with me. We (three women aside from me) got together every couple of months prior to my divorce (and more frequently prior to us all having babies), and on the group email where they were arranging the next meeting and "accidentally" included me, one of them said something like, "Do we still have to include (OP)?" The others chimed in that they were fine with ghosting me, basically. One said that she didn't want that sadness around while she was trying to get pregnant again. One of the others always thought that other women were after her husband, so I guess she thought I was now a threat? Neither of these are the woman who texted me, though.

The PPs who discussed the various reasons that people shun their divorcing/divorced friend covered it well. I didn't respond to the group email (and they did not reply either, so I think they realized they'd included me and took the conversation elsewhere) but I reached out to them individually (text and a voicemail), and it was just radio silence, so I gave up.

I haven't responded to her yet. I want to sleep on it, but I'm definitely not going to be her divorce doula. (Thank you, PP, for this phrase - amazing!)

My God. No, you say, "I'm sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. The most difficult part is how it often seems to end friendships, right when you need them the most. It is a very painful adjustment, but I'm sure you'll make it through. Best of luck to you! XOXO Larla

[Anonymous]

I am willing to give a person a second chance, so I would have no problem responding. But I would proceed with caution.

[Anonymous]

And PS OP, I had my former friends do something similar. I described what happened and posters on here told me it was enough to make their hearts pound and their palms sweat just imagining being in my shoes. Your story is just as bad.

No, you do not go back to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry, was in Zoom Hell after I posted earlier.

To explain the background, I'd say it was pretty clear they wanted nothing more to do with me. We (three women aside from me) got together every couple of months prior to my divorce (and more frequently prior to us all having babies), and on the group email where they were arranging the next meeting and "accidentally" included me, one of them said something like, "Do we still have to include (OP)?" The others chimed in that they were fine with ghosting me, basically. One said that she didn't want that sadness around while she was trying to get pregnant again. One of the others always thought that other women were after her husband, so I guess she thought I was now a threat? Neither of these are the woman who texted me, though.

The PPs who discussed the various reasons that people shun their divorcing/divorced friend covered it well. I didn't respond to the group email (and they did not reply either, so I think they realized they'd included me and took the conversation elsewhere) but I reached out to them individually (text and a voicemail), and it was just radio silence, so I gave up.

I haven't responded to her yet. I want to sleep on it, but I'm definitely not going to be her divorce doula. (Thank you, PP, for this phrase - amazing!)

My God. No, you say, "I'm sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. The most difficult part is how it often seems to end friendships, right when you need them the most. It is a very painful adjustment, but I'm sure you'll make it through. Best of luck to you! XOXO Larla

This. This is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry, was in Zoom Hell after I posted earlier.

To explain the background, I'd say it was pretty clear they wanted nothing more to do with me. We (three women aside from me) got together every couple of months prior to my divorce (and more frequently prior to us all having babies), and on the group email where they were arranging the next meeting and "accidentally" included me, one of them said something like, "Do we still have to include (OP)?" The others chimed in that they were fine with ghosting me, basically. One said that she didn't want that sadness around while she was trying to get pregnant again. One of the others always thought that other women were after her husband, so I guess she thought I was now a threat? Neither of these are the woman who texted me, though.

The PPs who discussed the various reasons that people shun their divorcing/divorced friend covered it well. I didn't respond to the group email (and they did not reply either, so I think they realized they'd included me and took the conversation elsewhere) but I reached out to them individually (text and a voicemail), and it was just radio silence, so I gave up.

I haven't responded to her yet. I want to sleep on it, but I'm definitely not going to be her divorce doula. (Thank you, PP, for this phrase - amazing!)

My God. No, you say, "I'm sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. The most difficult part is how it often seems to end friendships, right when you need them the most. It is a very painful adjustment, but I'm sure you'll make it through. Best of luck to you! XOXO Larla

This. This is perfect.

I would for sure leave off the XOXO. These women are horrible, selfish people with shriveled souls. I had people drift away from me after my divorce but I don't think they ever discussed it and decided it consciously. Tho maybe they did I just never heard about it.

[Anonymous]

The best response is no response at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry, was in Zoom Hell after I posted earlier.

To explain the background, I'd say it was pretty clear they wanted nothing more to do with me. We (three women aside from me) got together every couple of months prior to my divorce (and more frequently prior to us all having babies), and on the group email where they were arranging the next meeting and "accidentally" included me, one of them said something like, "Do we still have to include (OP)?" The others chimed in that they were fine with ghosting me, basically. One said that she didn't want that sadness around while she was trying to get pregnant again. One of the others always thought that other women were after her husband, so I guess she thought I was now a threat? Neither of these are the woman who texted me, though.

The PPs who discussed the various reasons that people shun their divorcing/divorced friend covered it well. I didn't respond to the group email (and they did not reply either, so I think they realized they'd included me and took the conversation elsewhere) but I reached out to them individually (text and a voicemail), and it was just radio silence, so I gave up.

I haven't responded to her yet. I want to sleep on it, but I'm definitely not going to be her divorce doula. (Thank you, PP, for this phrase - amazing!)

Wow. This is truly awful. They had a conversation about purposely excluding you because they did not want the sad around. No reply is fine. And any reply where you point out your friends abandoned you is fine. Heck “are you freaking kidding me, you literally ghosted me after my divorce” is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't set yourself up for disappointment.

She seems the kind of person who only contacted you because she needs you. She was not there when you needed her. Therefore once you will give her what she needs from you now: support and information, she will say goodbye again.

This. I learned this the hard way.

+1. Had she included an apology I would feel differently. Like other posters, I like the advice to let it settle for a few days. If there were aspects of the friendship that you still miss, I'd be honest and say your feelings were hurt in the past and see if she has done some reflecting and is able to apologize. I definitely wouldn't just resume as if nothing has happened. I also learned the hard way that this doesn't work. It leads to resentment and the same issues eventually resurface.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Do you have other friends now. Why would you want to hang out with someone that treated you like crap. I could never think of doing that to anyone if they're going through a life changing event.
I think you're better than that.
The only way id consider it, if she apologizes and tells you why she was such a pathetic person back then.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, the person who is getting divorced is the one who does the ghosting. This has happened multiple times. They kind of disappear.

My childhood best friend is twice divorced. She kind of spiraled out of control both times. First time she was a wreck. She had a mental breakdown. Second divorce she started blaming others and was just plain awful to everyone. Both times she kind of disappeared and didn’t want to deal with people. We have recently reconnected. I didn’t drop her. I just gave her some space.

We have many friends who were family friends who went through divorce. Every single one of them became silent and stopped socializing for a while..understandably. One friend is going through a divorce now. The husband hangs out with my Dh but she won’t even respond to a happy new year text to me. She used to at least respond to emails and texts but now she just ignores them. If she reaches out after the dust settles, I wouldn’t hold it against her. My son had a good friend who I thought his mom was so rude and flaky. I found out they went through a bad divorce during that time. Later, she became a good friend. I still remember thinking she was so rude and how I wrote her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry, was in Zoom Hell after I posted earlier.

To explain the background, I'd say it was pretty clear they wanted nothing more to do with me. We (three women aside from me) got together every couple of months prior to my divorce (and more frequently prior to us all having babies), and on the group email where they were arranging the next meeting and "accidentally" included me, one of them said something like, "Do we still have to include (OP)?" The others chimed in that they were fine with ghosting me, basically. One said that she didn't want that sadness around while she was trying to get pregnant again. One of the others always thought that other women were after her husband, so I guess she thought I was now a threat? Neither of these are the woman who texted me, though.

The PPs who discussed the various reasons that people shun their divorcing/divorced friend covered it well. I didn't respond to the group email (and they did not reply either, so I think they realized they'd included me and took the conversation elsewhere) but I reached out to them individually (text and a voicemail), and it was just radio silence, so I gave up.

I haven't responded to her yet. I want to sleep on it, but I'm definitely not going to be her divorce doula. (Thank you, PP, for this phrase - amazing!)

This is awful, OP. I’m sorry they treated you this way.

Keep us posted on what you decide. Whether you want to call her out, send a bare minimum response or ignore it, you are in the right.

Good luck!

Oof. Yeah, you don't owe these folks any energy whatsoever, unless you want to dish snark at them.

Hmm so it was the third lady, not the TTC/sadness one, and not the jealous of someone stealing her man one...so did the lady who texted you say anything on the email thread? She is probably just a follower of the other two selfish cows. Which doesn't excuse her at all. I hate moral cowards. I'm sure now she is getting the same treatment now as you did then OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey Jane. Sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. It was particularly hurtful when my former friends dumped me. Hope your friends treat you better than mine did. Best of luck.

Love this so much.

+2

+3

I'd write some version of this.

+4 I'd write it EXACTLY this way!!