Friend who shunned me when I divorced has gotten in touch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey Jane. Sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. It was particularly hurtful when my former friends dumped me. Hope your friends treat you better than mine did. Best of luck.

This, THIS THIS. Great response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been through something similar and my advice is no response.

The problem with responding, even to say "you hurt me and I can't help you right now" is that the other person won't see it that way. I totally agree with you and I think your ex-friend is being obtuse and selfish. But I'm sure she's convinced herself that you guys just "grew apart" or that she was somehow justified in what she did. So if you engage by explaining why you don't want to be her "divorce doula" (ha, that really is a great phrase), she will almost certainly get defensive and either lash out at you or try to engage you in a back and forth to convince you either that what she did wasn't so bad, or that she didn't realize she'd done something wrong, or that she's changed.

Whatever she's going through with her divorce is going to influence this, too. She's gonna have all these feelings over her divorce and they will overshadow her memory of what happened with you and her ability to think about your friendship critically. She's going to respond from a place of big feelings, many of which might be misplaced.

If I were in your position, I'd write a draft text or email of why you don't want to help her, and then not send it. Delete her text and move on with your awesome life. If you feel yourself unsure about this decision, you can go reread that draft of a response to remind you of why you decided not to engage.

I agree insofar as OP should not expect this person to apologize, and she might even lash out or argue with you. Don't expect any kind of closure or anything. If you want to respond with the reason that you aren't going to talk to her, do so as calmly and clearly as you can. Avoid insults, wish her well, and just state it as a fact. And be prepared for an angry or unkind response, which you should utterly ignore. Don't engage in any kind of discussion or back-and-forth. Or you can just ignore her text. Either one is fine, depending on what you want to do, just have realistic expectations. Frankly, even if she apologizes, I'd just respond that you appreciate the apology, but it's too late to resurrect your friendship and it doesn't change the fact that you are not able to be her support now.

[Anonymous]

My response would depend on what I wanted to get out of it. Under the circumstances, I would not want a friendship with someone like this. I also would not want to be sucked into providing support to someone who reaches out when they need something but not when I do. I might -- briefly -- want an apology or the chance to throw her shoddy behavior back in her face, but I'd probably realize pretty quickly that I wouldn't find this satisfying. In the end, I'd go with texting something vague, but pointed enough, like " I'm sorry to hear about your unsettling news. I wish you well, and I hope that you're able to find consistent sources of support during these trying times." I'm assuming that would be that. My goal would be to communicate that I've moved on. That would be it for me. If she called or texted with a genuine apology, I would assess that and then decide if it changed my feelings or my very self-protective stance in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, the person who is getting divorced is the one who does the ghosting. This has happened multiple times. They kind of disappear.

My childhood best friend is twice divorced. She kind of spiraled out of control both times. First time she was a wreck. She had a mental breakdown. Second divorce she started blaming others and was just plain awful to everyone. Both times she kind of disappeared and didn’t want to deal with people. We have recently reconnected. I didn’t drop her. I just gave her some space.

We have many friends who were family friends who went through divorce. Every single one of them became silent and stopped socializing for a while..understandably. One friend is going through a divorce now. The husband hangs out with my Dh but she won’t even respond to a happy new year text to me. She used to at least respond to emails and texts but now she just ignores them. If she reaches out after the dust settles, I wouldn’t hold it against her. My son had a good friend who I thought his mom was so rude and flaky. I found out they went through a bad divorce during that time. Later, she became a good friend. I still remember thinking she was so rude and how I wrote her off.

My ex was abusive. I would also not respond to people who continued to be friends with him, if they knew. My guess is that she feels vulnerable and exposed by your husband still hanging out with her EX husband. No shame in that. I did the very same. People who continued to maintain relationships with an abusive man were simply not people I wanted in my life, it was a purposeful choice.

Yup. Two friends of mine remained friends with my ex after I told them he was emotionally abusive. Then I told them he was physically abusive too and they conveniently forgot and denied I had ever told them. But that was before they had daughters and decided they cared about women's issues. Pieces of crap.

I'm the PP above that you responded to, I just want to say I'm sorry. Being unseen, unheard, or hearing "We don't want to take sides, just want what's best for the kids" was the most disorienting and painful experience of my life. I felt like, if you DON'T take a side against abuse, you either

1. Condone abuse
or
2. Don't believe me

and it put me in the position of: Let me make this easy for you, i will take a side for you, if the above is who you are. I side against you and your "friendship"

Its still incredibly triggering, just reading the above about how its women's fault they are ghosted because we don't text back while our friends husbands are out drinking or cavorting with our ex spouses sets my teeth on edge.

I am sorry you experienced similar and hope that your life, like mine, is much better now. I see you and I believe you.

Thank you very much. That is very kind of you to say. Things are about one million times better now but I still have some PTSD about it. Things improved right away after I got separated and I would have been happy single for the rest of my days. But then I fell in love with a friend from college and he is the sweetest, kindest man ever. 15 years married this summer! I'm glad to hear you are better off too.

[Anonymous]

Hard pass. 👎🏼

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, the person who is getting divorced is the one who does the ghosting. This has happened multiple times. They kind of disappear.

My childhood best friend is twice divorced. She kind of spiraled out of control both times. First time she was a wreck. She had a mental breakdown. Second divorce she started blaming others and was just plain awful to everyone. Both times she kind of disappeared and didn’t want to deal with people. We have recently reconnected. I didn’t drop her. I just gave her some space.

We have many friends who were family friends who went through divorce. Every single one of them became silent and stopped socializing for a while..understandably. One friend is going through a divorce now. The husband hangs out with my Dh but she won’t even respond to a happy new year text to me. She used to at least respond to emails and texts but now she just ignores them. If she reaches out after the dust settles, I wouldn’t hold it against her. My son had a good friend who I thought his mom was so rude and flaky. I found out they went through a bad divorce during that time. Later, she became a good friend. I still remember thinking she was so rude and how I wrote her off.

My ex was abusive. I would also not respond to people who continued to be friends with him, if they knew. My guess is that she feels vulnerable and exposed by your husband still hanging out with her EX husband. No shame in that. I did the very same. People who continued to maintain relationships with an abusive man were simply not people I wanted in my life, it was a purposeful choice.

Pp here. The husband is not abusive. The friend never once talked about their marital problems to me. Our kids were friends from preschool and we used to hang out when kids were younger. She would always say my son was her son’s best friend. Their divorce was recently finalized and she just moved out. I only know this because of DH. A mutual friend recently asked if I had spoken to her recently and I just said no. I didn’t want to spread gossip about their divorce. Mutual friend did say she has been MIA for a long time even before pandemic and I just agreed that she has been silent to me too. So I don’t think it it just me.

[Anonymous]

I would just ignore the text and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, the person who is getting divorced is the one who does the ghosting. This has happened multiple times. They kind of disappear.

My childhood best friend is twice divorced. She kind of spiraled out of control both times. First time she was a wreck. She had a mental breakdown. Second divorce she started blaming others and was just plain awful to everyone. Both times she kind of disappeared and didn’t want to deal with people. We have recently reconnected. I didn’t drop her. I just gave her some space.

We have many friends who were family friends who went through divorce. Every single one of them became silent and stopped socializing for a while..understandably. One friend is going through a divorce now. The husband hangs out with my Dh but she won’t even respond to a happy new year text to me. She used to at least respond to emails and texts but now she just ignores them. If she reaches out after the dust settles, I wouldn’t hold it against her. My son had a good friend who I thought his mom was so rude and flaky. I found out they went through a bad divorce during that time. Later, she became a good friend. I still remember thinking she was so rude and how I wrote her off.

My ex was abusive. I would also not respond to people who continued to be friends with him, if they knew. My guess is that she feels vulnerable and exposed by your husband still hanging out with her EX husband. No shame in that. I did the very same. People who continued to maintain relationships with an abusive man were simply not people I wanted in my life, it was a purposeful choice.

Pp here. The husband is not abusive. The friend never once talked about their marital problems to me. Our kids were friends from preschool and we used to hang out when kids were younger. She would always say my son was her son’s best friend. Their divorce was recently finalized and she just moved out. I only know this because of DH. A mutual friend recently asked if I had spoken to her recently and I just said no. I didn’t want to spread gossip about their divorce. Mutual friend did say she has been MIA for a long time even before pandemic and I just agreed that she has been silent to me too. So I don’t think it it just me.

I hope your friend wasn't abusive but seeming like a nice guy and the wife not talking about it doesn't mean he wasn't. It is so humiliating to be the victim of abuse that you often keep silent about it. This is anonymous but I have only ever told a few people IRL that my ex slammed me against the wall several times and punched me in the stomach.

I hope they just drifted apart and noone was a jerk but you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, the person who is getting divorced is the one who does the ghosting. This has happened multiple times. They kind of disappear.

My childhood best friend is twice divorced. She kind of spiraled out of control both times. First time she was a wreck. She had a mental breakdown. Second divorce she started blaming others and was just plain awful to everyone. Both times she kind of disappeared and didn’t want to deal with people. We have recently reconnected. I didn’t drop her. I just gave her some space.

We have many friends who were family friends who went through divorce. Every single one of them became silent and stopped socializing for a while..understandably. One friend is going through a divorce now. The husband hangs out with my Dh but she won’t even respond to a happy new year text to me. She used to at least respond to emails and texts but now she just ignores them. If she reaches out after the dust settles, I wouldn’t hold it against her. My son had a good friend who I thought his mom was so rude and flaky. I found out they went through a bad divorce during that time. Later, she became a good friend. I still remember thinking she was so rude and how I wrote her off.

My ex was abusive. I would also not respond to people who continued to be friends with him, if they knew. My guess is that she feels vulnerable and exposed by your husband still hanging out with her EX husband. No shame in that. I did the very same. People who continued to maintain relationships with an abusive man were simply not people I wanted in my life, it was a purposeful choice.

Pp here. The husband is not abusive. The friend never once talked about their marital problems to me. Our kids were friends from preschool and we used to hang out when kids were younger. She would always say my son was her son’s best friend. Their divorce was recently finalized and she just moved out. I only know this because of DH. A mutual friend recently asked if I had spoken to her recently and I just said no. I didn’t want to spread gossip about their divorce. Mutual friend did say she has been MIA for a long time even before pandemic and I just agreed that she has been silent to me too. So I don’t think it it just me.

I hope your friend wasn't abusive but seeming like a nice guy and the wife not talking about it doesn't mean he wasn't. It is so humiliating to be the victim of abuse that you often keep silent about it. This is anonymous but I have only ever told a few people IRL that my ex slammed me against the wall several times and punched me in the stomach.

I hope they just drifted apart and noone was a jerk but you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

Sounds like she cheated.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read all the replies, just wanted to say this: you said you’re in a good place now. Understandably this churns up some sadness from what she and the other friends did to you, but if you can get past that and be a friend to her, nothing says you have a hold a grudge. Grudges hurt the holder usually more than the person who is focus of the grudge. Beyond that, you know she’s in pain. You’re not obligated to be supportive, but if you cared about her, and could still care about her, why not?

There’s so much shit in the world. Everyone is damaged. If you’re the bigger person, no reason not to show your friend some love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read all the replies, just wanted to say this: you said you’re in a good place now. Understandably this churns up some sadness from what she and the other friends did to you, but if you can get past that and be a friend to her, nothing says you have a hold a grudge. Grudges hurt the holder usually more than the person who is focus of the grudge. Beyond that, you know she’s in pain. You’re not obligated to be supportive, but if you cared about her, and could still care about her, why not?

There’s so much shit in the world. Everyone is damaged. If you’re the bigger person, no reason not to show your friend some love.

This is a fundamentally flawed premise -- shunner-of-yesteryear is by definition not a friend. She is not a stranger, either. She is someone who chose, for whatever reason, to be hurtful in the past.

[Anonymous]

Don't waste your time holding onto grudges. Just say you are sorry (maybe) she's splitting. I say maybe because sometimes, it's best to split for the sake of everyone's mental and sometime physical health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read all the replies, just wanted to say this: you said you’re in a good place now. Understandably this churns up some sadness from what she and the other friends did to you, but if you can get past that and be a friend to her, nothing says you have a hold a grudge. Grudges hurt the holder usually more than the person who is focus of the grudge. Beyond that, you know she’s in pain. You’re not obligated to be supportive, but if you cared about her, and could still care about her, why not?

There’s so much shit in the world. Everyone is damaged. If you’re the bigger person, no reason not to show your friend some love.

Except she's not a a friend. She chose to stop being a friend. OP doesn't have to -- and shouldn't -- hold a grudge, but she also doesn't have to put herself out for someone who treated her so poorly, and who hasn't even apologized or acknowledged the hurt she caused. OP can, and should, kindly wish her well, and also not be a divorce doula to someone who is just using her.

[Anonymous]

Did you really just ask me to be your divorce doula after you ghosted me when I went through my divorce? Wow. Just wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Choose one of the suggestions that makes it clear that the reason you won't be her support is because she didn't support you during your divorce. And mention the text. Do not be vague.

I agree with not being vague. Make her realize her mistake.