Friend who shunned me when I divorced has gotten in touch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope.

When somebody shows who they are believe them the 1st time.

Yes, true. But consider this: maybe she knew her marriage was failing and was afraid leaning into this friendship would prevent her from denying that. Maybe she was being abused and couldn't be there for anybody. Maybe she was terrified to say the wrong thing. A rock solid marriage doesn't generally fall apart in just 5 years so she was probably scared to face truths that OP's situation would show her. Doesn't mean she wasn't a jerk... but, if she is able to apologize and recognize she failed you, I might give her another chance if you think she's otherwise a good person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope.

When somebody shows who they are believe them the 1st time.

Yes, true. But consider this: maybe she knew her marriage was failing and was afraid leaning into this friendship would prevent her from denying that. Maybe she was being abused and couldn't be there for anybody. Maybe she was terrified to say the wrong thing. A rock solid marriage doesn't generally fall apart in just 5 years so she was probably scared to face truths that OP's situation would show her. Doesn't mean she wasn't a jerk... but, if she is able to apologize and recognize she failed you, I might give her another chance if you think she's otherwise a good person.

Then she owes OP an explanation and an apology first and foremost. She should NOT have started out with a request for support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope.

When somebody shows who they are believe them the 1st time.

Yes, true. But consider this: maybe she knew her marriage was failing and was afraid leaning into this friendship would prevent her from denying that. Maybe she was being abused and couldn't be there for anybody. Maybe she was terrified to say the wrong thing. A rock solid marriage doesn't generally fall apart in just 5 years so she was probably scared to face truths that OP's situation would show her. Doesn't mean she wasn't a jerk... but, if she is able to apologize and recognize she failed you, I might give her another chance if you think she's otherwise a good person.

Then she owes OP an explanation and an apology first and foremost. She should NOT have started out with a request for support.

I agree. She should have lead with the apology. I'd respond with something along the lines proposed by other posters. If she wants to respond with a full-throated apology, then OP can decide whether that changes anything for her. But it's on her to apologize and take responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey Jane. Sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. It was particularly hurtful when my former friends dumped me. Hope your friends treat you better than mine did. Best of luck.

Love this so much.

THIS... this for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey Jane. Sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. It was particularly hurtful when my former friends dumped me. Hope your friends treat you better than mine did. Best of luck.

Love this so much.

+2

+3

I'd write some version of this.

-1000

What are you guys, 12 years old? This is a middle school type response.

(I'm the PP who wrote the "honesty" response above)

[Anonymous]

OP, don't set yourself up for disappointment.

She seems the kind of person who only contacted you because she needs you. She was not there when you needed her. Therefore once you will give her what she needs from you now: support and information, she will say goodbye again.

[Anonymous]

Been there, would not respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey Jane. Sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. It was particularly hurtful when my former friends dumped me. Hope your friends treat you better than mine did. Best of luck.

THIS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't set yourself up for disappointment.

She seems the kind of person who only contacted you because she needs you. She was not there when you needed her. Therefore once you will give her what she needs from you now: support and information, she will say goodbye again.

This. I learned this the hard way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey Jane. Sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. It was particularly hurtful when my former friends dumped me. Hope your friends treat you better than mine did. Best of luck.

Love this so much.

+2

+3

I'd write some version of this.

-1000

What are you guys, 12 years old? This is a middle school type response.

(I'm the PP who wrote the "honesty" response above)

Although I’d like to be the bigger person, pretty sure I’d find the perfection of this response impossible to resist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree to let it sit for a day or two, and see how you feel. Then, I vote for honesty.

"Hey. Sorry to hear you're going through a divorce. I'm a bit surprised to hear from you - when I was going through my divorce back in 2017, you and the rest of the whatever group seemed to drop me and didn't respond to my attempts to reach out. That was a really tough time for me, and I could have used your support."

Then wait and see what she has to say. Maybe she'll have an explanation or apology. Maybe she'll just respond defensively. But it's worth it to give her a chance if you miss her friendship.

If you don't miss the friendship and this has made you realize that you weren't a good fit or something, I agree with the other poster that you're under no obligation to be her "divorce doula" (love it) and you should feel free to ghost or not respond (or give non committal "sorry, that's tough. Best of luck." type responses.

+1. This is what I'd say.

Me too. I’d do it both because I’m a straightforward person, but also because I’d be genuinely curious to know how she responds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey Jane. Sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. It was particularly hurtful when my former friends dumped me. Hope your friends treat you better than mine did. Best of luck.

Love this so much.

+2

+3

I'd write some version of this.

-1000

What are you guys, 12 years old? This is a middle school type response.

(I'm the PP who wrote the "honesty" response above)

Disagree.

Her response will be telling.

She might respond:

“You’re right, Mary. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

Or, she might lack the self-awareness to realize that you are referring to how she dropped you. She might breeze right past it.

I think it’s a great message to suss out where she’s coming from in a polite way.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t respond. No need to kick her when she is down, but also no need to respond to a non-friend who kicked you when you were down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey Jane. Sorry to hear you are divorcing. I know how hard it can be. It was particularly hurtful when my former friends dumped me. Hope your friends treat you better than mine did. Best of luck.

Love this so much.

+2

+3

I'd write some version of this.

-1000

What are you guys, 12 years old? This is a middle school type response.

(I'm the PP who wrote the "honesty" response above)

What if the response is "honesty"? I mean, that's pretty much how I'd feel if someone did this -- I'd feel sorry for her, but what she did WAS "particularly hurtful." And I wouldn't consider her a friend anymore, and I could honestly wish that her friends are nicer to her than she was to me. It's not a vindictive response, it's just blunt. It conveys that we are not friends anymore and she should not count on me for any support.

[Anonymous]

Op, what exactly happened back then? She literally said "I can't be friends with you now that you're divorcing?"

And what did she say recently?

How this all went down matters.