Advice to younger women to marry wisely

[Anonymous]

My main advice: constant arguing, cursing, mocking is not normal. Do not marry someone who does this. Sure, couples disagree sometimes, but not with disdain and disrespect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Make sure you both are on the same page with regards to money - who earns it, who spends it, the lifestyle, the long-term goals, the priorities, etc. 2. (I know I am going to get flamed for it but here it goes) Stay clear from the guys with ADHD, executive functioning issues, etc. unless it’s clearly proven that they can hold their shit together under a moderate amount of stress. You don’t want to be their required accommodation to life. 3. Never assume anything about what others think how the marriage works - if it’s important to you, say it out loud.

I agree with all of these points but especially the bolded. 75% (my unscientific guestimate) of the threads on DCUM about husbands not pulling their weight can be attributed to the bolded.

I would add that it's important to know yourself and what you want from life and a partner before making a lifetime commitment to another person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they had a f*cked up childhood--a parent was an alcoholic or a serial cheater...RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO matter how much they swear they won't turn out that way...wait 20 years and tell me what happens.

Man here. My dad was a serial cheater on multiple wives. I am 55, been married once for 23 years, haven’t cheated yet.

I’m not him.

I think it's about probabilities. Offsprings of cheaters tend to cheat at a higher rate and so it's good that you haven't but chances are that more of the offsprings will tend to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am early 40s. Married 10 years and recently divorced.

My advice to young women is seriously this:

Do not get married.

There is literally no advantage nowadays to marriage for women. None whatsoever. The only exception is if you want to be a mother and a husband is willing to support you as a SAHM for the marriage.

Exhibit A on the effects of the wrong choice.

+1. Sorry this PP is so bitter, but she is also completely wrong and obviously not seeing her role in making a bad choice.

Overall, being married is 100% better than being single. You become a better person when you are married, through the sheer force of the institution of marriage alone.

Yes, it was the wrong choice. But I thought as an institution it was outdated even when I got married. I know very few people—and they are still married—who do not believe marriage is better than being single. Many, many people—men and women—share my view. I do not for one second think you become a better person due to marriage...that has to be one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard.

Marriage for women in general is much more sacrifice than reward. That is why divorced women are happier than divorced men. Research backs this up.

[Anonymous]

People might be interested in this article.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/591973/

[Anonymous]

Find a friend with excellent gaydar and run your boy by them. Even in this day and age, closeted gay men marry women who are apparently unaware. Personally know of 3 divorces in this category so there must be lots more of this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they had a f*cked up childhood--a parent was an alcoholic or a serial cheater...RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO matter how much they swear they won't turn out that way...wait 20 years and tell me what happens.

My husband's mother was an alcoholic and he's an amazing person and father and I wouldn't trade him for anything. You are wrong about this.

This is interesting. I think you got lucky.

I am 50 and divorced. Here are my mistakes!

I married too young.
I quit my career to move to a city where I couldn't work in the same field. I loved that career and I was good at it.
I ignored red flags because I was young and stupid.
I was looking for someone very different from me - I was quiet, he was LOUD.
He drank a lot, his father was a recovered alcoholic, his mother was awful and domineering and drank too much too. He was sexually abused as a child.

Flash forward to his forties. He fell apart. Career, substance abuse, weight, health, and was a big cheater. Personality disorder, etc.

I really wish that I had waited to marry. I should have stayed in my city, in my career. I felt a lot of pressure to marry I think.

I also wish that I had married someone with my temperament - calm and stable. Someone compatible.

And mostly, I wish I hadn't ignored the red flags.

My second time around, I found the right person for me. But I am sad about all the years I gave up for him, someone who really wasn't capable of love or stability. He basically just fizzled out. He's a mess now. And he's not a nice or good person either, and that's something I find hard to reconcile from the young guy I met in my early twenties. Basically, he cracked up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they had a f*cked up childhood--a parent was an alcoholic or a serial cheater...RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO matter how much they swear they won't turn out that way...wait 20 years and tell me what happens.

My husband's mother was an alcoholic and he's an amazing person and father and I wouldn't trade him for anything. You are wrong about this.

My husband's mother was an alcoholic and he's a crappy person -- liar, cheat, problem drinker and has the same mental illness she did which also affects my kids. I wish I'd never met him; he has caused my and our kids so much pain.

So, YMMV.

My husbands father was an alcoholic, serial cheater that left the family. Emotionally abusive.

My husband was the greatest man until middle age hit (45-49) and our oldest became the age he was when his father left. Holy batshit. He started a double life to avoid the trauma. I did not see that coming. Great father, great son-in-law, loving husband, extremely successful... the last few months of his affair he started to drink from the stress of it. He’s now in intensive therapy. Compartmentalization is how kids like this get through and if it wasn’t dealt with properly (his mother was cold) it will appear in drastic ways.

I could have written something very, very similar, especially the part about issues coming up when our oldest hit the age that my husband's family troubles started affecting him.

My advice: Find out as much as you can about the person's childhood, family dynamics, mental health history, substance abuse. Even if your person swears they are different and it appears that way, it can have a strong genetic component and can appear many years down the road. If you still want to marry them, you should go into the marriage with your eyes open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am early 40s. Married 10 years and recently divorced.

My advice to young women is seriously this:

Do not get married.

There is literally no advantage nowadays to marriage for women. None whatsoever. The only exception is if you want to be a mother and a husband is willing to support you as a SAHM for the marriage.

Exhibit A on the effects of the wrong choice.

+1. Sorry this PP is so bitter, but she is also completely wrong and obviously not seeing her role in making a bad choice.

Overall, being married is 100% better than being single. You become a better person when you are married, through the sheer force of the institution of marriage alone.

Yes, it was the wrong choice. But I thought as an institution it was outdated even when I got married. I know very few people—and they are still married—who do not believe marriage is better than being single. Many, many people—men and women—share my view. I do not for one second think you become a better person due to marriage...that has to be one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard.

Marriage for women in general is much more sacrifice than reward. That is why divorced women are happier than divorced men. Research backs this up.

I disagree with this. I am divorced (just wrote about all my mistakes here in a previous post) but I remarried, and I am the absolute happiest I've ever been in my life. He's got my back, I've got his back. I feel lucky and happy after being miserably married for 15 years to the wrong person.

I would hate to go into old age as an unmarried woman (or man). It seems so lonely. All of my divorced friends are looking for a partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not discount differences in interests and personalities. Do not discount cultural differences. These things can evolve from charming differences to points of real friction and lack of understanding. And once you add children into the mix, it can really bring these differences to the fore.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they had a f*cked up childhood--a parent was an alcoholic or a serial cheater...RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO matter how much they swear they won't turn out that way...wait 20 years and tell me what happens.

My husband's mother was an alcoholic and he's an amazing person and father and I wouldn't trade him for anything. You are wrong about this.

My husband's mother was an alcoholic and he's a crappy person -- liar, cheat, problem drinker and has the same mental illness she did which also affects my kids. I wish I'd never met him; he has caused my and our kids so much pain.

So, YMMV.

My husbands father was an alcoholic, serial cheater that left the family. Emotionally abusive.

My husband was the greatest man until middle age hit (45-49) and our oldest became the age he was when his father left. Holy batshit. He started a double life to avoid the trauma. I did not see that coming. Great father, great son-in-law, loving husband, extremely successful... the last few months of his affair he started to drink from the stress of it. He’s now in intensive therapy. Compartmentalization is how kids like this get through and if it wasn’t dealt with properly (his mother was cold) it will appear in drastic ways.

I could have written something very, very similar, especially the part about issues coming up when our oldest hit the age that my husband's family troubles started affecting him.

My advice: Find out as much as you can about the person's childhood, family dynamics, mental health history, substance abuse. Even if your person swears they are different and it appears that way, it can have a strong genetic component and can appear many years down the road. If you still want to marry them, you should go into the marriage with your eyes open.

YES! I"m the PP, and both of you wrote way more eloquently than me. Yes, find out as much as you can. My ex was fine until his forties too.

[Anonymous]

Find someone you really LIKE. Liking your mate helps for the down periods in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find someone you really LIKE. Liking your mate helps for the down periods in the relationship.

That was my problem. I’m one of the pps and I really liked, loved, adored and respected my husband. We were both head over heels and my friends and family adored him. Extremely compatible, both good careers, same interests.

I knew his dad was f@cked up and left his mother when he was 7. He hated his dad and swore he would end up nothing like him, never cheat. I heard this could be a red flag, but the package otherwise was perfect. I found at year 20 of marriage that I ended up married to his father (not the alcohol part), but narcissistic (and actual clinical diagnosis) and cheater.

70% of men with cheating fathers cheat. If there divorce and other issues in their childhood too—just walk. It’s sad, but epigenetics and trauma will emerge eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find a friend with excellent gaydar and run your boy by them. Even in this day and age, closeted gay men marry women who are apparently unaware. Personally know of 3 divorces in this category so there must be lots more of this situation.

There are a bunch of these marriages in our circle—gay men married to straight women. I’m not sure if some know. Some it’s so obvious.

[Anonymous]

Go slow. Don’t marry right away. You need time to pass in order to reveal any personality disorders. They can hide them for short periods of time.