Advice to younger women to marry wisely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband (who in many ways is an exceptional spouse and parent) had an idyllic childhood. I did not. In some ways I think he has a sort of bizarre naïveté about people’s motives etc. I don’t have that problem. While I agree that family dysfunction can reappear in successive generations, sometimes some contact with imperfection can bring wisdom.

This should make sense, but not in all cases. I know someone who was treated in a very hard, passive aggressive manner, with emotional abuse - and they are still very naive - almost as if they think that no one is as bad as their family. It could also be plain lack of common sense. I would say make sure that common sense and communication is valued in your spouses family - if they hate each other, are cold, are difficult to get along with, have bad dispositions, and use each other, that is no good for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wait until you are older before getting married. have your education, have a job and a way to support yourself

I married older (late 30s) and it’s one of the bigger challenges in our marriage that we’re each so used to being independent. Maybe that’s just us but I don’t think marrying older is the answer necessarily. Plus while we were able to support ourselves independently before we built a life together that requires both incomes.

Sweet spot to marry is
27-32

You can finish had school and start your career by your late 20s to early 30s

[Anonymous]

PPs have mentioned the obvious red flags.

I look around people that I know, both socially and from work. There are a lot of good men out there, but the best husbands are those that are hard working and have a more laid back personality. They may not be the most physically attractive, but a chill, funny man will outlast anyone who does not have that quality.

Pay close attention to his personality. Is he generally very defensive to any negative feedback? Does he always see the glass as half empty? Can he shrug off setbacks in life and pick himself up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you can check as many boxes as you want (Kind, responsible, accountable, you like his family) but it’s impossible to predict everything. Big part of it is also chance.

Yes. And though there are things that no one could overcome, you can reduce what's left to chance if you believe a marriage is something that's built with work and doesn't just happen with chemistry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband (who in many ways is an exceptional spouse and parent) had an idyllic childhood. I did not. In some ways I think he has a sort of bizarre naïveté about people’s motives etc. I don’t have that problem. While I agree that family dysfunction can reappear in successive generations, sometimes some contact with imperfection can bring wisdom.

There's a flip side to this. DW had an upbringing more like yours and is able to find motives some times when there are none. I wouldn't want to get taken advantage of too often, but like the idea of being able to believe that not everyone is out for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am early 40s. Married 10 years and recently divorced.

My advice to young women is seriously this:

Do not get married.

There is literally no advantage nowadays to marriage for women. None whatsoever. The only exception is if you want to be a mother and a husband is willing to support you as a SAHM for the marriage.

Exhibit A on the effects of the wrong choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wait until you are older before getting married. have your education, have a job and a way to support yourself

I married older (late 30s) and it’s one of the bigger challenges in our marriage that we’re each so used to being independent. Maybe that’s just us but I don’t think marrying older is the answer necessarily. Plus while we were able to support ourselves independently before we built a life together that requires both incomes.

Sweet spot to marry is
27-32

You can finish had school and start your career by your late 20s to early 30s

That's a pretty good range. If you were 24/25 when you met the guy you're marrying at 27 then you'd be on the close side to the young 20s when your mind was more influenced by what attracts minds of those in their young 20s, so probably worth some introspection.

[Anonymous]

What everyone has said above is great. DH is excellent all around... but he's always put his family first and consistently wants to be a mommas boy. It's been a problem over the years and I'm grateful we're 4 hours away. So make sure you know that when you marry a man, you're marrying those inlaws too. I'm very grateful that my parents and inlaws are both married. It means there's only 2 Christmases (not 4 like a few of my friends) and parents help each other through illnesses and accidents.

I absolutely do see a great value in being married IF you have kids. My children get so much stability from seeing two parents, 2 sets of skills and it helps to share the load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they had a f*cked up childhood--a parent was an alcoholic or a serial cheater...RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO matter how much they swear they won't turn out that way...wait 20 years and tell me what happens.

Rock solid parents or bust!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What everyone has said above is great. DH is excellent all around... but he's always put his family first and consistently wants to be a mommas boy. It's been a problem over the years and I'm grateful we're 4 hours away. So make sure you know that when you marry a man, you're marrying those inlaws too. I'm very grateful that my parents and inlaws are both married. It means there's only 2 Christmases (not 4 like a few of my friends) and parents help each other through illnesses and accidents.

I absolutely do see a great value in being married IF you have kids. My children get so much stability from seeing two parents, 2 sets of skills and it helps to share the load.

This. But if I hadn't wanted kids, I would not have married.

[Anonymous]

Advice to my son, don't get married. Signed woman who is mostly happily married to his dad who is a great one.

[Anonymous]

My advice would be to focus first on yourself. Figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Be realistic about what marriage entails. Be open to experiences and people that may not immediately check off every box. Let go of the fairy tales. Don't be so hyper-focused on finding the right man. Work on yourself first. That way, you'll increase the chances of making the right decision when you meet the guy who could be the right one when the time comes.

More often than not (obvious red flags aside), we find ourselves having to decide whether to marry someone based upon foresight. You THINK he's this or that based on what you've seen so far, but there's no way to truly know how he will be 5, 10, or 20 years down the road. You just hope the person you picked changes in a way that's compatible with how you will change as you go through life together. There is truly no way to ensure you've married wisely until you reach a point in life where you can look back and make a determination based upon what was right for YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice to my son, don't get married. Signed woman who is mostly happily married to his dad who is a great one.

Why would this be your advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they had a f*cked up childhood--a parent was an alcoholic or a serial cheater...RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO matter how much they swear they won't turn out that way...wait 20 years and tell me what happens.

My husband's mother was an alcoholic and he's an amazing person and father and I wouldn't trade him for anything. You are wrong about this.

My husband's mother was an alcoholic and he's a crappy person -- liar, cheat, problem drinker and has the same mental illness she did which also affects my kids. I wish I'd never met him; he has caused my and our kids so much pain.

So, YMMV.

[Anonymous]

I love the advice to watch how he interacts with service staff, pets, and children. I'd also add that a good relationship with his family is always an excellent signal.